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Old 25th July 2009, 02:36 PM   #1
Jason7
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Looking for some advice or direction.

Hello,

I apologize for posting here but I feel I need to. I have looked and this seems to be one of the better forums but I have been unable to find a good forum for singles. I am single, 26, never married, but madly in love.

I became reacquainted a few months ago with a long time friend and off and on girlfriend since grade school. We started to casually hang out, coffee, movies, and such. But I have quickly fallen in love with her, told her this. She said that she wasn't ready for a relationship, she had a past relationship with another woman. I was fine with waiting and hoping, and she didn't seem to be put off by my feelings. This past week I over analyzed some posts on her facebook page, and asked her about it. Last night we chatted online about it, and she said that she was not in love with me, and probably would not ever be. I feel we have became really good friends, and don't expect to lose that. However I really do want more.

I have done some reading on the subject of relationships, I can acknowledge that I am in the infatuated in love experience. It does not help. I scheduled an appointment with a counselor on Monday for this coming Tuesday because I could see that she was not feeling the same way about me. However Tuesday is forever away and I think that you might be able to help me or point me in the right direction. What I really want is something I can say or do that will make her fall in love with me. Maybe just talking about it will help.

Thank you,
Jason
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Old 25th July 2009, 03:29 PM   #2
Helen_uk
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,531
Re: Looking for some advice or direction.

Sadly Jason you can't make someone fall in love with you..What you can do is be the friend she says she wants or walk away. Being a friend to someone when your feelings are this strong is extremely difficult and you have to do some soul searching and decide if having her as a friend will be enough ( How would you cope if she dated someone else etc ).

If you continue the friendship in the hope that she will one day change her mind then you have to be prepared for disappointment and heartache.

Of course there IS a small chance that by being a friend she may eventually come to see you as more , but it's a huge risk to take with your heart.

Whatever you decide I wish you the very best of luck.

Helen

Last edited by Helen_uk; 26th July 2009 at 02:57 PM.
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Old 26th July 2009, 09:29 AM   #3
Raymond
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Re: Looking for some advice or direction.

One never knows how these things work out. I asked a girl out. She thought about it and declined preferring to be just friends. She had recently finished a relationship with someone. A long while later she fell in love with me and I didn't know about it for two years. She is now my wife.

However Helen is right you cannot make a girl fall in love with you. Also just finishing a relationship with another woman is not a good sign. There will be problems there.

Raymond
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Old 26th July 2009, 05:54 PM   #4
Jason7
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Re: Looking for some advice or direction.

Thanks for your replies.
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Old 27th July 2009, 02:19 PM   #5
Jason7
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Re: Looking for some advice or direction.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
One never knows how these things work out. I asked a girl out. She thought about it and declined preferring to be just friends. She had recently finished a relationship with someone. A long while later she fell in love with me and I didn't know about it for two years. She is now my wife.

However Helen is right you cannot make a girl fall in love with you. Also just finishing a relationship with another woman is not a good sign. There will be problems there.

Raymond

Do I hope I can share a story like that one day.

When I told her that I was falling in love, she told me about her relationship of 4 years. It was a sudden split where her partner left her and got married to a man after only two months. She told me that she believe in falling in love with a person, but she is more comfortable with a woman.

I have done a great deal of thinking this weekend, I've decided that I will be the good friend that I want to be, if she will let me. I think I can accept her starting a relationship with someone else and still be a good friend. I am still holding out hope that one day she will change her mind.


Jason
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Old 30th July 2009, 02:05 AM   #6
Johnee S
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Re: Looking for some advice or direction.

Jason,

You should focus on yourself to make yourself more appealing, not change your attitude or personality but rather your self confidence, your body conditioning, grooming, show her your varietyness. If not growing closer you have someone to become deep with but it may not be in the way you expect. Focus on the journey of today...
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Johnee

Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that the other feels the same.
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Old 2nd August 2009, 11:20 PM   #7
Ageing Grace
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Re: Looking for some advice or direction.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jason7 View Post
I have done a great deal of thinking this weekend, I've decided that I will be the good friend that I want to be, if she will let me. I think I can accept her starting a relationship with someone else and still be a good friend. I am still holding out hope that one day she will change her mind.
That's really lovely of you, Jason

Please be careful about "holding out hope"! You can waste a lot of years, and a lot of opportunities, by carrying a torch for someone unavailable.

Good friends are hard to find and - if your FRIENDSHIP stands the test of time - it's obviously worth staying in touch.

But if you're only 80% friend and 20% unrequited lover, there's trouble ahead. At some future time, she might decide to go for it with you - just as a reaction to something else that's happened in her life. How would you cope with something like that?

A true friend would say "er, no, get your rocks off somewhere else". Even if you were drunk or something and said yes, the event would be insignificant. Anybody hoping for more would end up feeling used & (unjustifiably) angry.

Please think carefully. You can love a gay friend - but not as a lover, that's just barmy!

All the best,
AG
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Old 3rd August 2009, 12:36 AM   #8
dave123
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Re: Looking for some advice or direction.

Hi,

My take on this is pretty simple. You did the right thing telling her. Taking chances and risks, putting your heart out there, is why love is awesome, and it can hurt so deep.

It may not turn out how you hoped, but at least you had the balls to try. And who knows what fate will come off the back of it.

Good luck, and if it doesn't ever go your way at least you know you tried.

Dave
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Old 9th August 2009, 04:37 PM   #9
Jason7
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Re: Looking for some advice or direction.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ageing Grace View Post
That's really lovely of you, Jason
But if you're only 80% friend and 20% unrequited lover, there's trouble ahead. At some future time, she might decide to go for it with you - just as a reaction to something else that's happened in her life. How would you cope with something like that?

A true friend would say "er, no, get your rocks off somewhere else". Even if you were drunk or something and said yes, the event would be insignificant. Anybody hoping for more would end up feeling used & (unjustifiably) angry.
Let me make sure I'm understanding what you are asking. You're asking if she decided she wants a one night stand, if I'd say "No."? I'm pretty sure I would. If she wanted to have a relationship, I can't think of anything I want more.


Quote:
Originally Posted by dave123
Good luck, and if it doesn't ever go your way at least you know you tried.
Thanks, and I agree. The only true failure is the failure to try, it is better to try and fail than to have never tried at all, and many more ;-)
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