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Old 22nd August 2011, 11:53 PM   #1
Newmarriagehelp
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Failing 1 yr marriage

I would really appreciate in opinion or two as I am really not sure what is going on in my marriage and have tried talking to my husband.

Background: we have been married for one year after 2.5 years together at ages me 21, H 25.

My issues mainly lie with sex although it has gone way beyond that now. We had a healthy sex life for 1.5 years then things started to die down, to the point now when we have been married just over a year and have probably had unfulfilling sex 5-8 times. Even on rare occasions when we try he can't remain erect and recently I don't seem to be ready for him though I want to be, if you understand.

I was very affectionate and would always make the first move since we were having problems, as time went on he started to reject me very often to the point now where he feels like more of a friend than a husband. He never makes the effort to have sex or even kiss me and now due to all the rejection he has shown me I equally don't want him ( on rare occasions when he tries to kiss me)

I know for sure he isn't having an affair, we have spoken about trying to fix our problems many times and when I make effort it goes unnoticed and my H fails to make effort at all.


Please can anyone advise
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Old 23rd August 2011, 12:24 AM   #2
1aokgal
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Re: Failing 1 yr marriage

Dear New..

Welcome to this site.

I am so sorry to hear of the rejection you experience in your marriage. This must be devastating when you are so young. Do you know if your h spends a lot of time online where he is possibly into porn? There are several threads here on the forum that has to do with this very issue. You might read some of these posts.

When things don't go right with sexual attempts, it sounds as if there are ED problems. That seems unusual since he is young unless there are other things going on with him, either physically or emotionally. Porn on the internet has robbed many marriages of sexual intimacy and cause problems with sexual performance with the man. In many cases these men masturbate and this becomes such a habit that they find it difficult to gain simulation in coitus.

What happens when you try to discuss these issues with him? Does he get angry and defensive or just avoid the talk completely? You are uptight from prior failures, and he has performance anxiety. It would be good if you can discuss this. Perhaps he needs a medical checkup to rule out any medical problems. Try to keep any discussions of these problems and best not to get into too much emotion. It is likely these problems have nothing to do with you, the wife, as it is in most cases where there are sexual problems.

Keep an eye on his internet use. Perhaps a search of the sites he visits online will give you a clue as to what is happening.
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Old 23rd August 2011, 12:38 AM   #3
Newmarriagehelp
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Re: Failing 1 yr marriage

Thank you for your reply I feel like someone has finally listened.

I am sure the problem is not porn related and could be emotional, when we have spoken he does become very down and says he is not man enough which to be honest to don't know how to respond to because he is my man which I tell him but he doesn't believe me I guess. I have asked him so many times to see a doctor and he says he is embarrassed. I have even made him appointments myself and he fails to attend. I really love him, but I get scared it is no longer as a husband and only as a friend, I used to see a future with him which included having children which I fear I will never get in this relationship but I don't want to leave him, especially as he is such a good man.

I really don't know what I can do to help him though I am sure he doesn't have physical erectile problems because he wakes up with "wood" without fail which from my amateur research found is a "good" sign.

I appreciate your views, and will search for those other threads. Thank you
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Old 23rd August 2011, 02:48 AM   #4
1aokgal
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Re: Failing 1 yr marriage

Dear New..

I don't quite believe the ED problem and as you said he has the early morning proof that is possible. Men do have prostrate problems and testicular cancers so he SHOULD get a checkup to rule out a real physical problem. I truly think he may not tell if it is emotional and the m is more common that one can realize. Other women on the forum deal with this very addictive and disabling to men (and the marriage) problem. It is a type of regression that men draw inward and sometimes have fear of something in the relationship.

Has something with you changed? Sometimes men have career problems or she gets a promotion and he feels inadequate. There are many subliminal problems that can put a marriage in trouble. Have you gained a lot of weight or changes in jobs there? It doesn't sound like you get often up to bat with sex. How do you both feel about children? It sounds as if there is no use of birth control? Perhaps he has withdrawn, as he fears having children so young. YOU may want children and don't use BC. That would be a big clue to what is going on there.

I would also say if there is any sex....you should use birth control. A marriage with these problems doesn't need children introduced into the mix until the problems are understood. Forgive me for clear speaking but I think that is why you are here.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 23rd August 2011 at 06:00 AM.
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Old 23rd August 2011, 09:22 AM   #5
Raymond
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Re: Failing 1 yr marriage

I agree with what 1okgl has said as I would have said it too.

One other thing I would mention is private mb. Some come into marriage with this problem and with the excitement of marriage and everything it can retreat only to come back again when things have settled and rob the marriage of it's intimacy. I had a friend who confessed this to me. His wife wouldn't have known. I told him you are defrauding her and he put an end to it. If he wants sex it has to be with her. The ED could be connected to this although I admit it is a longshot.
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Old 23rd August 2011, 10:01 AM   #6
Newmarriagehelp
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Re: Failing 1 yr marriage

I am on birth control and have been for our entire relationship, apart from about 6 months this year but have now restarted for other reasons, and I realise we will never have sex if he's scared of kids now.
In the last three years together I have gained about a dress size in weight, I am aware that this could be a problem (though i have asked him and he says it isnt,i am not so sure) and have started losing weight now.
He is stressed with his work, his travel time each day can be up to 2 hrs, however this was an issue before this job so it could be contributing but not the entire reason

As for children, we both want them but have decided to wait at least 5 years so we have established our careers and are financially sound, however he has said to me if we had the money now, like if we won the lottery or something then he would like to have children now.
I know I am more comfortable with the idea of children though he wants them too, however I cant understand how he can be scared of kids early which putting off sex because we hardly have sex and I am using BC which he knows.
I have asked him about M before, I don't know if that's right or wrong but has told me he doesn't, so is he lying? I dont know...

I am at a dead end and feel as though he should put in some effort.
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Old 23rd August 2011, 01:07 PM   #7
chosen
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Re: Failing 1 yr marriage

I really dont think that one dress size is going to make any difference at all. If you had said that you have gained 50-100lbs then yes that may be a factor, but one size is nothing.

Last edited by chosen; 23rd August 2011 at 01:29 PM.
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Old 23rd August 2011, 02:30 PM   #8
Newmarriagehelp
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Re: Failing 1 yr marriage

No I didn't put on that much weight, about 14 lbs so now I'm 140lbs, I do look fatter so it could be an issue for him
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Old 23rd August 2011, 03:35 PM   #9
chosen
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Re: Failing 1 yr marriage

140lbs isnt much at all, (only 10 stone) I cant see that it would suddenly turn him off sex. Do you think that he would agree to some good marriage counselling to get to the bottom of this?
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Old 23rd August 2011, 04:24 PM   #10
1aokgal
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Re: Failing 1 yr marriage

Dear New...

We mention things that could be a problem but to be honest, generally it has nothing to do with the woman. That little bit of weight doesn't sound like a turn off. This comes with him. I will tell you again that masturbation is a HUGE part of marriages where sex is lost for long periods of time. The reading on this, says it is a relationship problem, not a sex problem. Hard to believe that when years can go by, without intimacy, in some marriages.

The man will generally deny the m frequency. It robs the marriage of intimacy and kills desire as his needs are met. You are a young woman and unless you get this out in the open and addressed, I assure you that your marriage will only change for the worse. He likely will deny this and mb comes complete with fantasy and possibly some porn help either websites, magazines or images. Check out his website use.

These problems can be there and go underground in the glow of a new marriage and surface later in response to stress, job problems or personal conflicts in the marriage.

I urge you again on the necesssity for a medical checkup to address the physical problems and BOTH of you should talk with his doctor. My first husband was diagnosed with testicular cancer at 24. Unless you are going to approach this situation from several angles as emotional, physical and commit to treatment from these angles, you may find more unhappiness ahead. Don't be too embarrassed to take control of this part of your life.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 25th August 2011 at 01:55 AM.
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Old 25th August 2011, 12:06 AM   #11
Newmarriagehelp
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Re: Failing 1 yr marriage

Well I thought I would come and update you and thank you. Tonight we had a big, long argument which resulted in me finding out that my husband masturbates on average twice a week. This was not something I was aware of. This means for me complete betrayal, don't get me wrong whist I dont have a problem with masturbating, I have refrained from doing it myself as I thought my husband was not, also since we haven't had sex since feb with the excuse of lack of erection, my sympathies have now changed completely.
I am so angry I feel physically sick, I don't know what I will do but I have told my jus ad that I feel so betrayed he may as well have cheated on me.

I just want to thank those who opened my eyes, my views and outlook have completely changed and it is likely my future will completely change.

Thanks again
J
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Old 25th August 2011, 12:07 AM   #12
Newmarriagehelp
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Re: Failing 1 yr marriage

Told my *husband
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Old 25th August 2011, 02:33 AM   #13
1aokgal
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Re: Failing 1 yr marriage

Dear New...

I hate to tell you something but if he told you 2X, it is likely more. He should get an"atta boy" for confessing this. OK, that is the tip of the iceberg, but there is so much more to this devious addictive habit than meets the eye.

Male masturbation is distasteful to most women, not that we're so innocent. We know the facts of life, but we expect in marriage, that when there is a need, we enjoy each other. Not that he enjoys himself.

New, this m can be so addictive it leads to ED for this reason..you can't do it, and I can't do it better than he does it! That is the truth. If you offered to do it for him you would not have the same technique. The sensation becomes better to a man than intercourse once this method is used. There is a brain chemical produced that produces a high. There are studies on this. He does not have to do foreplay, meet your expectations or do anything but please himself. It's as Narcisstic pleasurable and easy as it gets.

There is issue of what he imagines. He may have porn mags, internet pics or fantasy babes that a real woman pales by comparison.
It is as addictive as a drug. Please don't think I pile it on too heavy because I tell you the truth. This pattern/habit destroys marriages. He is telling you by his performance, he regressed to self pleasure. It is a withdraw from the demands of the relationship. Generally, this is an insecure man with a demanding mother and one who may have job issues or feels he is a failure or hasn't lived up to expectations. That is the emotional part. That is a partial psychological profile.

What can you do? You took a 1st step with communication. He admitted.....many don't, and most lie about frequency. You can assure him you are there. Ask him to not engage in this behavior for a trial period. Let us say..2 weeks. If he will do that, and sex is possible, it should be as non-complicated as possible so he doesn't have performance anxiety.

I don't know your level of faith. I am a realist and don't approach this from the religious prospective except to say he cheats you, the same as if he had another woman. He may have a dozen women in his fantasy.

Next..you get a filter on your PC that restricts adult sites! Go back and get a history of the sites visited and you may get a darn shock. Don't do less than take control of this situation if you want it to end. The longer this pattern goes, the more it invades a marriage. There is a porn filter software called "Webwatcher."

I won't identity my expert opinion here, but let us say if anyone knows this subject, I do. The readings on this psychological problem is that it is a personality dysfunction that is difficult to cure without counselling and a desire on his part, to make the change. You are not together long and in the love you have for each other and sharing of your faith perhaps this can happen. You must decide what you want for your life. Trust him to make changes because he loves you. Believe HALF of what he tells you.

I hope you will accept what he has told you and assure him that you can work through problems to make your marriage wonderful. Start taking a shower with him, get some cream and do massages. Have some sensual fun together and decrease the tension. I wish you well and if you were my daughter I would tell you not to build this into an angry fight, but take it in stride and see if you can make it better. I understand you must be feeling very hurt and upset. You will be very unhappy in this marriage if you can't work this issue through together. True, this problem has a poor history.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 25th August 2011 at 07:23 AM.
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Old 25th August 2011, 08:48 AM   #14
Raymond
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Re: Failing 1 yr marriage

I am glad that at least the problem has been exposed. That is progress. Let me say that as a man mb is boring without fantasy in your head. It is almost certain that there would be accompanying fantasies which can be quite powerful in some men. If the fantasies were of you then that would be okay. But what is the point of that if you are there? As I said to my friend he is defrauding you as his wife and is opting out of intimate relationship. He has learned to be aroused in another way and may have had this habit before coming into the marriage.

I think it can be different for a woman who might be doing it to awaken herself for her husband which can be commendable. This is not necessarily the same thing as a man fantasising about other bodies, people and situations.

Whatever this does seem to be the key to the ED and sexual relationship and he needs to do something about it as it could be another form of mental adultery.
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