Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  
Old 13th September 2011, 05:05 PM   #1
Joeschmo
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Broken Hearted

This weekend my wife of 15 years has said that she wants us to split up and has moved into a friends spare room. I am completely ruined, I cannot stop thinking about her and the flat seems so empty and the bed cold. We split up earlier in the year and went through a separation stage. At that time I moved out after a particularly nasty arguement but we were trying to get back together - going on dates, speaking to each other everyday, we went to relate and after two months when I was away skiing she phoned me and said that she'd made the biggest mistake of her life and she wanted me to move back in. We went to Relate for 4 sessions but as we had sorted out our stuff it felt a bit pointless. It was great at the beginning but we still had some issues. We had agreed to keep talking when we had problems. I had some serious jeaoulsy issues and at times made a total fool of myself.

My wife is an artist and I have supported this for years, I pay all the mortage, and have encouarged her and supported her all the way through, although inside I have often felt that it would be great if we had two fat incomes coming in so we were not struggling.

Also she has artist friends who like to get drunk into the night and although I have found this fun and liberating, I just cannot keep up. This means that when she goes out I'll sometimes not go, or come home early. When she gets drunk, she has no brakes and will keep on drinking until the early hours before she crashes out, which means often I wake in the morning to an empty bed and she will come home sometime during the day. I have expressed to her how unhappy this makes me and she apologies but that doesn't stop her doing it again, like I said, no brakes.

This weekend, she went out to meet a friend for a drink. I phoned her at about 7 and she said I'm with friends come and join us - after an exhausting day at work and feeling low cause I've overspent this month and worried about money so I didn't feel like going out. (I watched TV and drank some wine instead)

I phoned her the next day but she did not pick up until the afternoon when she had woken. She said that she was going to have a bath (she was at a friends house) and then come home. I phoned her at 5 she said she was going to grab something to eat and then come home. I phoned her at 7 she said that the restuarant had just brought some free wine and she'd come home after that (..no brakes). I then told her exactly what I thought of her behaviour and she said she was sorry and completely understood my anger. I drove to the resturant to come and get her so that we could talk but she said that she wasn't coming home and that she wanted to split up. She finally came home at 6 on Sunday afternoon we talked (well, I begged and she said very little) She then left. She said that she loved me very very much and that I was very special but we had grown too apart and wanted to do different things.

I don't think that my wife has met someone else after all I know all of the friends she was with very well and she invited me along. I do think that her behaviour is compleletly wrong.

The thing is I love her so much , she is so cool, stylish, talented, caring and funny and I want her back in my life like anything.

I haven't spoken to her since she left, although the temptation to do so is really really strong. All I have done is sent her a text saying that I didn't think the planned theatre trip tonight would be a good idea. I'm going to not contact her for as long as I can and hope that she feels that she has made a mistake and we can start talking about getting back together again. I know this only happened two days ago but every minute seems like an age at the moment

We have been together since she was 18 (her birthday) and I was 21.

Advise please.
  Reply With Quote
Old 13th September 2011, 05:50 PM   #2
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Broken Hearted

I think you are right in your views Joeschmo and that your wife is very irresponsible in her drinking and appears to be in a crowd where it would be very hard to get the victory over it.

Personally I have a hunch she will come back but that doesn't solve the problem that she has. I think it is only pride that is seperating you at the moment. Which one will apologise first?

If you wanted contact maybe you can say that maybe we should keep the theatre trip which would be a way of sounding her out?

On an outside chance it could be another person. When someone drinks like that anything can happen and the moral threshold can drop quite a bit.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th September 2011, 08:58 PM   #3
Sillyman
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Broken Hearted

Hi J,

It may be too soon for this - and my situation is very different to yours - but give it a look.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-...3;t=000476;p=0

I found great comfort in a little bit of guidance in those very dark early days.

Best of luck.

SM
  Reply With Quote
Old 13th September 2011, 09:51 PM   #4
Joeschmo
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Broken Hearted

Sillyman - I think some of the 180 stuff is great - no amount of winging, pleading and being pathetic is going to win anyones heart, although it is taking all of my being not to phone her and find out if she's hurting too. (after all, what if she isn't)

Raymond - hope you are right, although we have already both apologised for our actions. For me it is more a case of realising what is important.

Fortunately, I had booked myself in for a counselling assessment before the break up. (The break up came out of the blue) so that I could try and deal with my jealousy issues, I'm just waiting for an evening session and will have that space to talk all this through.

I wish I had a time machine to go back so I could find a time to sit down and say "lets talk about our relationship", or to jump forward so it didn't hurt so fkig much.
  Reply With Quote
Old 15th September 2011, 03:41 PM   #5
Joeschmo
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Broken Hearted

Well, I got home yesterday and she was at home, I don't think that she had planned to be there. I was aware that she was coming home during the day to freshen up and change clothes. (She wasn't hiding it from me unless I believed it was pixies that did the laundry) She was just leaving when I got home and I asked her to stay for a cup of tea. I almost stuck to the 180 rules. The conversation was a little strained but perfectly nice - she even said that it was nice at one point and we didn't discuss the issue of our realtionship. I had said that I didn't want the cup of tea to be about our relationship because I might cry (not 180 (oops)) and she said that she might too. I also asked her to come for dinner at the flat sometime next week, which she said would be nice and we arranged for monday and then she left to go and do some work.

She later texted me to ask how the DJ set had gone.

Now I'm even more confused. The grief-like pain of thinking about her every moment has gone and I don't feel that I'm going to cry all the time and has been replaced with a (foolish) slight hopefullness.

I had mentioned before in one of our discussions that if we seperated some day I'd still like to be her friend - I don't know if her behaviour is wanting to spend time with me and try for trying again (if you see what I mean) or is it her just being friends - surely it's too early for that.

The thing is I don't want to ask her right out as at the moment I think she'll say she wants to split up and that'll send me back to the grief etc.

I start counselling today - very good timing - I originally put myself on the waiting list to try and explore my jealousy, but now at least I can look at the break up of my relationship.

My family all think that I am insane - after the way she has treated me why do I want her back? How many times can you get dumped? But I know this sounds stupid but - I love her.

I haven't cried today - very odd.
  Reply With Quote
Old 15th September 2011, 07:26 PM   #6
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Broken Hearted

I haven't changed my hunch that she would come back but you are not making it easy with this 180 business. For goodness sake you are still husband and wife whats with the 180?

The real problems lie ahead I am afraid and they relate to her drinking.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th September 2011, 05:25 AM   #7
1aokgal
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Broken Hearted

Dear J....

Where were guys like you when I was free? Lets' see. You support the house while she does artwork. She can stay out all night with friends partying while you get your beauty rest for work. She comes home midday to take a bath and sleep for another round of outings.

You are together..no not together..then together. It seems you are like life insurance and there to keep everything tidy and the bills paid while she parties until she finds..or stumbles on, another who supports her lifestyle. She is not likely to find one like you. No indeedy! Those other guys want a woman who works and brings in some income for the household which makes life partners. No kids at home ..she should work. They also want a bed warmer who sleeps when they sleep, and not have to worry about where...or with whom, she parties. Since she likes her booze, that also makes one giddy and pretty approachable in the bar scenes. You know women friends will lie for a friend, if need be.

That 180 is BULL. You have a right to know where she is, with whom, and what time one is home. The two of you agree that somebody gets to have an evening out with buddies. Why just her? She is running the track out there while you are pulling the workload. Open your eyes...you are being had for a free ride on her terms! I bet her bar tab is a bit pricey too if she is out there regular, unless the guys are buying. You make your own list of 180. It might read like this. Here is how you should handle this...say..

1. You get a job because I am not supporting this place 100%.
2. You are at home when I get home so we eat together. Cooking is
can be negotiated.
3. When I turn in at night you are here or you will need to get a place
to stay. An overnighter on your part means the locks get changed.
4. The marriage is a loser. You do your part here or you can find a
replacement who supports your artwork.
5. You ask questions and expect answers. Do be angry, nasty and cold at this outageous behavior.
6. Does she drive your car to party and drink? That would be another item
off the plate.
7. You need to breathe in some man confidence and expect much more of
this woman. Do not waste your life on someone who doesn't care.
8. Demand more or you will get less.
9. Take command of your ship as she runs the show. She has no
respect for you!
10. When you go clubbing..it is together. No married woman should be
partying out with friends. Maybe an occasional few hours, a movie ..but clubbing? NO.
That is asking for problems. Also...she has no barriers.

If she must make a fool of herself let her be married to someone else. Why in the world would you want to be her friend if you did separate? Let her find other friends. You need some serious self respect here and good idea for counselling. You sound like a very nice man. It is a shame you are getting rolled over. That HAS to stop.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 16th September 2011 at 05:37 AM.
  Reply With Quote
Old 16th September 2011, 08:06 AM   #8
Joeschmo
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Broken Hearted

Sorry I may not have made the situation clear - She has left me and is currently staying with a friend. One of the reasons she left me was because I was giving a hard time about staying out all night (she felt that she was in trouble from me all the time) and she said that we had grown apart. I used to be there by her side parting into the small hours and she has said (previously) that she wishes I was there too. These all night sessions were not as common as I seem to have implied from your answers. She also does have a job as well as being an artist.

The 180 stuff seemed to be like a good idea because although we have separated and she has said that she doesn't see a future in trying back together. So the idea of seeming that I wasn't desperate and needy and phoning her up all the time seemed like a good idea. So it would give her some time to miss me. I have only spoken to her by brief texts since she left.

There is a part of me that knows that she aint coming back but denial is not just a river in egypt.

I do know that I need some self confidence and thats something that we are working on in counselling.


Thanks for your advice.
  Reply With Quote
Old 16th September 2011, 01:18 PM   #9
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Broken Hearted

Without taking away from 1okgal's points my point was that she seemed to be amenable to return but you were trying to do this 180 thing which I feel could have prevented you being together again.

If you know in your heart that she is not returning that is something else. I know that you do not want to be pining for her and are doing this 180 thing but you still need to be open and friendly when you talk to her otherwise a 180 type signal could make you unapproachable.

You say the drinking is not that often but it still seems bad when it does happen to my mind. I am wondering whether she has now got into the wrong set who drink in nightclubs which can tend to erode the commitment which should be part of marriage.

I still have the feeling she will be back but don't do the 180 when she tries to do it casually.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th September 2011, 01:45 PM   #10
Joeschmo
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Broken Hearted

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
Without taking away from 1okgal's points my point was that she seemed to be amenable to return but you were trying to do this 180 thing which I feel could have prevented you being together again.

If you know in your heart that she is not returning that is something else. I know that you do not want to be pining for her and are doing this 180 thing but you still need to be open and friendly when you talk to her otherwise a 180 type signal could make you unapproachable.

You say the drinking is not that often but it still seems bad when it does happen to my mind. I am wondering whether she has now got into the wrong set who drink in nightclubs which can tend to erode the commitment which should be part of marriage.

I still have the feeling she will be back but don't do the 180 when she tries to do it casually.

I hope you are right Raymond.

I guess I was just taking some of the 180 stuff- I don't want to be untrue to the way I feel. But I'm trying to ignore the overwhelming feeling to phone her just to talk rubbish, like we used to do just a week ago.

We haven't discussed whether she wants to come back when I spoke about "giving it another go" when she told me she wanted us to split up she was quite final. So I don't want to broach the subject. I've invited her round for dinner on Monday and she said that would be nice. I'm thinking of asking her out on a date when she comes round.

Thank you all for all your concerns - to be honest I'm a mess at the moment.
  Reply With Quote
Old 16th September 2011, 05:21 PM   #11
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Broken Hearted

Coming round for dinner is a sort of date in itself. I would just be friendly and chat but don't put pressure on her to come home.

However if you sense she is hankering to come home don't do a 180 on her.

I hope it goes well. I have a feeling she wants to be around but eventually this nightclub drinking needs to be dealt with by her.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th September 2011, 04:48 AM   #12
1aokgal
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Broken Hearted

Dear J..

I get it that you have been on and off again, and split yet again. My point is, that if you don't stand firm to what you really want in your life you gain nothing if you DO get together again. If she treats the home as a way stop and changes clothes to go out again with friends...that is not a marriage. You were right to give her a hard time at the overnighters. Did she think it would be OK for her to stay out all night?

That drama must rip out your guts. When both don't have the same goals you can't make a good life together work. If you did get back together it would play out again with another separation. If she wants her freedom than she is searching for something pretty desperately. When a marriage hits this point it is a knothole that you crawl through. There is nothing you can do but see what direction she intends to go.
I would say you shouldn't make it easy for her to come back home until you agree there needs to be some changes made. You need to work now on your own issues and not be in a state of limbo which is so painful.

This is a bad time for you and you have to take care for yourself. If you belong to a health club or gym stay active or make changes at home as painting or work that is needed. This diverts your energy and fills the time. I hope you have family nearby but don't give relatives a lot of information until you see what develops.

Some marriages go a few rounds together before each decides it just won't work. Sometimes space also works to advantage. If you do see her at all than you have to be true about the way you feel. Don't get back together if you are just a way stop and not the main event.

I wasted perhaps two years of my life in a holding pattern like yours. We reconciled after several separations and it took another round of unhappiness for me to finally decide it was enough. I felt I deserved a better life. I had been through the knothole and knew it wasn't worth a repeat. Statistics say that it usually takes about 3 miserable years before a marriage will actually end. That decision is made when each reaches the limits on tolerance. It takes two committed together to make a good life. Incidentally, I married again within a year.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 17th September 2011 at 04:55 PM.
  Reply With Quote
Old 26th September 2011, 10:18 AM   #13
Joeschmo
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Broken Hearted

Well here's an update.

Nothing much has changed. I desperately miss my wife. We have had a couple of evenings together but they have not been the reconciliation which I so desperately crave. I have not really got much from her just that she wants to split up.

The thing is she keeps coming back to the flat when I'm at work, to have a bath to do washing. Everytime I see that she's been home I feel that theres that hope, everytime we spend an evening together I feel there's hope.

But that hope breaks my heart all over again.

I'm meeting with her today to have a talk and if I don't get any idea that she wants to come back I'm going to tell her that she has to leave me properly and not this half and half stuff as I need to heal.
  Reply With Quote
Old 27th September 2011, 09:25 AM   #14
Joeschmo
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Broken Hearted

Well we met and went for a pub lunch and then talked afterwards. She says that she wants to split up and she cannot see a way of us getting back together. She says that she loves me but not in that way anymore. We were both very tearful. I asked her to find a way of moving out properly as I couldn't get over her when I could smell her presence when I return from work.

When we got back to the flat, (she wanted to pick up some things) I said that maybe we should take off our wedding rings and change fb relationship update but she said that she didn't know.

I miss her so much. The flat seems really empty without her.

I did have a bit of an epiphany this morning however, I suddenly thought how much she was giving up - her home, security, cats and I relalised that it must have been really bad for her to lose all that.
  Reply With Quote
Old 27th September 2011, 12:57 PM   #15
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Broken Hearted

I think you have explained well why you need to split up properly now as you can't take this halfway business any longer. You are right in that you need it to be one thing or the other so that you can heal. That makes good sense to me. I can see that a 180 would work here. It would also test her resolve in what she really wants to do.

I do wonder if another person is involved and that she is giving up security for a good reason.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 12:07 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer