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Old 2nd October 2014, 05:05 AM   #1
Island_dan
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 2
at a loss need advice

I apologize for the long story to follow but I am at a loss as to what to do next. I will start with the fact that I am a self made man, came from nothing to being very successful. I have been married to my wife for 8.5 years now and we have 2 wonderful kids. I love my wife and I love my family more than life itself, I am the sole provider for them and my wife stays at home raising our children, which leads me to my dilema. When my son was younger (about 1-2 years old) her sex drive completely dropped off and I mean totally, well as he got older it picked up a little bit but not much. Being that I want to be the understanding husband I encouraged her to do what made her happy and at that time it was losing weight which I did as well to help out. She lost 70 lbs and was in great shape, however the sex drive did not really return. My son was 4 at the time and although I was unhappy with the intimacy/sex in my marriage I could live with it as pushing the issue or trying to do what I could to improve it was met with little if any success. Now when my son was 4 she told me she wanted a second child, which I was ok with however I did say that she had to anticipate the added work load and that it meant the sleepless night again. I was working long hours to provide the best life I could for my family (on average 11-12 hours a day 5 days a week) and I made good money providing a very nice house, and a newer vehicle. Despite my work load I did what I could to help out around the house and I also renovated my kitchen and flooring in the upstairs to please my wife. At that time my wife was pregnant with my daughter. When she was born she became the apple of my eye, my little princess. I was very happy. My daughter slept well until she started teething, and now she does not sleep well at all, adding stress for my wife and it has been ongoing for about a year now (she is 2 at the moment). I know that its not easy so I do what I can to help out, I took a job with less hours (8 hours a day with occasional overtime) and even lost some more weight myself. During her pregnancy she had regained nearly all the weight she had lost and she is currently attempting to lose it again which I am hoping will help. Sex is a rarity these days, going 4 to 8 weeks at a time, and I talked to her this past summer on vacation about it hoping to get a real conversation about it however her response was that it will eventually return. Now I am a patient man however to say that I am frustrated would be putting it mildly. I tried confronting her yesterday to get things out in the open, I told her that I love her and desire her and that I love my family however I am unhappy with our current intimacy and sex lives. What she threw back at me is that she is always tired, feels like a walking zombie and that she is unhappy. I asked her what she wants from me, I provide for my family, I do help out with cleaning, dishes, etc. I fix the vehicles when they break and financially we are doing well.
But I digress, at this point I fell like she expects me to be superman and get up at night with my daughter (which I did last night and went to work on 4 hours of sleep), provide for my family, in essence do it all. I feel that providing for my family is my half of doing things, and that although I get the whole deal with my daughter not sleeping well is hard I am not sympathetic about it. I worked my ass off to provide the life I have for my family, what I do is not an easy job (heavy equipment tech) and it is dangerous by nature so being sleep deprived is not a good idea. Am I being selfish or ignorant? Right now I feel like my good nature is being taken advantage of and it is pissing me off. I have given her a very comfortable life in my eyes, and what really worries me is that I see where this is headed as she would rather bury her head in the sand and not deal with things, where as I confront and deal with problems on the spot. When I confronted her about it yesterday all she said was that I was throwing things in her face which I do not believe is a fair assessment. I know that on the current path the marriage is headed right for a divorce once my kids are older. Other women have tried to tempt me but I want my wife, the woman I fell in love with, not other women. I am far from a controlling husband she is free to come and go as she pleases, she has social outings with other moms a few times a week, I insisted that she become more social and go out with the girls at least every second week as I knew she needed it.
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Old 3rd October 2014, 07:38 AM   #2
kasucram
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4
Re: at a loss need advice

Sorry about the pain you are going through. I know sex for women experiencing what your wife is going through right now does not come easy, but for 4 weeks plus is not good at all.

Sex is part of marriage and its one of the reasons why some marriages fail.

I will suggest this: Try the 7 days of sex challenge with your wife.

Get her to be on board in trying it, and see what happens. It has worked wonders for many marriages, and l believe it will do same for your marriage.

You should also check out this podcast: The One Extraordinary Marriage Show on iTunes and Stitcher. Hope these help.
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Old 3rd October 2014, 11:40 AM   #3
ronnoco
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 391
Re: at a loss need advice

Hello Island Dan,

I wonder if your wife feels like she has just become "mum" and you need to rekindle the romance.

What about you and your wife make a list of all the things you would like to both do. For example, dinner out, theatre, show, game of bowling, etc then if means will allow and you can get a babysitter, perhaps once a fortnight you have a night out to yourself, working through the list.

Even small steps like once the children are asleep you have a takeaway, bottle of wine and cuddle up on the sofa can help towards getting the quality time you need together.

Although I've never really been a fan of planning sex. Perhaps in your situation this could help.

It's unreasonable for her to expect you to wait up to 8 weeks. I can imagine how frustrated you are.
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Old 3rd October 2014, 12:52 PM   #4
Raymond
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: at a loss need advice

Sometimes an effort has to be made in the bedroom area but I think her problem is not just the sex. Seems to be run down. Perhaps all those long hours you worked caused a loss of relationship that needs to be got back?
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Old 5th October 2014, 10:20 PM   #5
Island_dan
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 2
Re: at a loss need advice

I appreciate the advice that you all gave. I talked to her again on Friday and it went better but the conversation was me talking and although I encouraged her to talk all she did was listen and let tears roll down her cheek which frustrated me all the more. Hard to make any improvements without feedback. I know she does not deal well with conflict and then today she turned on the ice queen attitude when she got mad at me for small stuff. At this point I am just tired of making the effort. The ball is in her court. She went out a short while ago and I have the kids right now. I did feel more positive progress once I spoke to her on Friday night but we are far from out of the woods with this and I know it. Just wish that I could get more from her on this. I have been at my new job for about a year now so it's not like she does not get help with the kids or the housework. Right now I sense it is more a case of a spoiled wife with a typical spoiled kid response when things do not go her way.
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Old 5th October 2014, 10:31 PM   #6
chosen
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: at a loss need advice

How about you book some marriage counselling sessions together?
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