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Old 12th August 2014, 06:31 PM   #16
chosen
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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That kind of thing comes with a divorce surely? There is no divorce but a hope that things will heal and become better. I think that is a good hope to have and until then a good friendship endures.
A long term or permanent separation means that she will need a home just as with a divorce.
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Old 12th August 2014, 06:34 PM   #17
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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I hope so Raymond I really do, it took me about 15 minutes or so to change the locks and codes etc and it would take that to change them back again and I told her that, now she understands why I did it and has agreed under the same circumstances she may of done the same, we don't want a war or divorce none of that some people automatically assume that the moment one person leaves then WW3 must break out, this is the wrong way to go about things, we must talk, listen, understand have empathy, if we do things that way we stay calm and peaceful ithout being bitter and nasty, this way there is always hope and some kind of chance that maybe just maybe we have some kind of chance, but there is no chance if you suddently change the habit of a lifetime and make your partner hate you and vice versa.
Many marriages to end with both partners being reasonable, if only for the children's sakes. I think the ones that end badly are usually those were one partners has deeply hurt the other and there is a lot of pain involved.
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Old 12th August 2014, 06:36 PM   #18
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Hi Raymond we are both acting honourably the best we can, we are both hurting not just me, she is a fine woman who I love and respect very much indeed, as I keep saying who knows what the future will bring, what I don't understand is those on here that automatically assume that a separation in a marriage should mean all out war, bitterness, hatred, infidelity, legal battles, instead of that why not talk and be civil to try to put things right, life is very tough for her as well as me and I have to consider that, we were truly in love at one time but somewhere something has gone a bit wobbly, we are both responsible for that so if we get back or not we owe each other to put things right, I hated changing the locks and codes that is the first direct action of any kind I have taken against her in 20 years and she knows that, we are meeting up tonight for a drink and a chat, I am going to play it very calm and none pushy, plus she has done some shopping for me and I have some bits for her from the house she needs, lets see what the next few weeks bring but please wish me luck for tonight feeling a bit nervous about it.
No one here has said anything like that about separations.
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Old 12th August 2014, 06:38 PM   #19
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Thanks mate that's really good of you, feeling a bit nervous as we are meeting to talk about anything and everything and also how we go about defining our new relationship, very early days yet but I always believe where theres life theres hope, and I am normally a bit of a pessimist perhaps I am learning things about myself I never knew, no ground breaking decisions will be made tonight or even any time in the near future or maybe if ever, but you just never know whats round the corner and I rarely if ever give in at anything letrs just see,
I hope that she will give you more idea about what she actually wants and why, this evening.
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Old 12th August 2014, 06:45 PM   #20
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

I hope it goes well ralf. I kind of get the impression that she doesn't fully know what is happening so I think you are wise to take it slowly and considerately.
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Old 12th August 2014, 07:53 PM   #21
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Evening chaps we had a lovely time almost as if we were never apart, we talked, and had a laught about a few things but we talked and communicated really well, she said how nice it had been and I agreed, and she wants me to e-mail her in the next few days so we can arrange the next one either next week or the week after, but she was really lovely but looked so tired and really fed up with herself in general, I dressed up really smart as I used to, had a shave and haircut and she said she liked my hair and new shoes, she has seen a GP and she is suffering very high stress levels which worries me, but slowly slowly catchy monkey and I am going to be very slow over the next few days, but I have to say although nervous it went really well in fact much better than we both thought, and she gave me a lift home and gave me a small bag of shopping she had done for me, I need to go away and have a big think about it all and see what I can make from it, but all things considered it was a very nice time had by 2 people who care a hell of a lot for each other, can't say fairer than that for now lets just see what happens next.
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Old 12th August 2014, 09:58 PM   #22
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Did she give any idea of her future plans or why she wants to be apart? Would she be happy to have some marriage counselling?
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Old 13th August 2014, 08:06 AM   #23
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Hi Chosen thank for your reply, it was our first proper meeting since she left, she instigated the meeting so I gave her the chance to say or ask what she wanted and I just moulded by replies and my conversation around that, I didn't pressure I didn't probe I thought it a bad idea not to go in and pounce on her while she was trusting herself to me, she is still having panic attacks and stressful episodes, we talked about some important things I didn't want to push her away I want to draw her closer, we are going to be meeting again and there will be plenty of opportunities for things to unravel themselves, we are good talkers together time is the key all will be clear one day no need to rush, as I said slowly slowly catchy monkey who knows what the future holds, we are honest, understanding, and caring towards each other that can only be a good and healthy thing lets just see what happens, thanks again for your very knid interest, keep them coming chaps I appreciate the questions and interest and is helping me by talking about it, I wanted to add that I am going to go quiet with her for a while now no e-mails no phone calls she can contact me next time, I want the aura of our meeting up to sink in and maybe she might start to wonder where I am and maybe miss me a bit.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 13th August 2014 at 08:15 AM. Reason: ading text
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Old 13th August 2014, 08:44 AM   #24
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

That is good that the date/meeting went really well Ralf. I think you are being very wise in how you are taking it slowly. I am a bit worried about her stress and am wonderingwhere this is coming from. Do you have any ideas? There seems to be some fear with it.
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Old 13th August 2014, 09:49 AM   #25
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Hi Raymond your a good man, we think grieving for her dad she had even talked about having dark thoughts and going to be with her dad and that is just not her in any way, stress of work she works in mental health and social care and some of the stuff she hears and has to deal with is traumatic, physical abuse, sexual abuse and child abuse, makes my stomach churn just thinking about it, she is under a lot of stress as her working week is spread over 3 different sites, one of her patients commited suicide earlier this year and while not her fault she feels guilty about it, plus she has been away from her home of 20 years in a strange new world I know she chose to but it cant be easy, she said last night she knows she did things the wrong way and should of flagged up how she was feeling but just bottled it all up until she nearly blew like a volcano 5 weeks ago today, could be a combo of everything including me, I could be a grumpy miserable git from time to time she didn't need to hear that after a crap day of her own home life could of been lighter from time to time we know this now and it is being dealt with, look mate she needs space and time that's obvious, im as lonely as hell but not rushing everything the rest of our lives is a long time well at least I hope it is, I have to go out in a bit knwing my luck I will probably get run over by a milk floaat
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Old 13th August 2014, 10:21 AM   #26
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Do you think it may help if she looked for a less stressful job?
Panic attacks are a warning sign(I had them many years ago), and she need to rethink her life and work because of that. She also needs to see her doctor about it.
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Old 13th August 2014, 12:41 PM   #27
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Hi Chosen it has been discussed but not an option for a number of reasons, if only it was so simple, she has seen her doctor.
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Old 13th August 2014, 01:00 PM   #28
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Hi Chosen it has been discussed but not an option for a number of reasons, if only it was so simple, she has seen her doctor.
What did her doctor say? Its hard to see why she cant at least look for a different job if that is one of the causes of this stress. Stress and anxiety are a warning, and if she doesnt make changes then depression may well result.
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Old 13th August 2014, 01:16 PM   #29
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Her DR says he is very stressed, she can't change her job because there are no jobs locally doing what she does and she doesn't want to travel, she is fortunate that she does what she does full time but spread over 3 sites even though she hates it the alternative is to travel further than now and she doesn't want to do that so she is stuck for now and having to put up with it, I have said a few times that if they made her redundant for whatever reason it could be a good way out of it for her even though the thought of no work is scarey maybe it would open new possibilities she hadn't even thought of, but as hard as it sounds that's her problem for now I have enough of my own to deal with and I m struggling with that as well as looking after a home and trying to run a business and cope with our current situation life is pretty tough right now I just cant take on too much, she knows where I am when she wants to talk I cant force her.
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Old 13th August 2014, 05:31 PM   #30
chosen
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Did the doctor suggest anything?She could consider a different job than what she does now. Its doesnt have to be exactly the same thing surely?
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