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Old 11th July 2014, 07:57 PM   #46
chosen
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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To me she seems like she really doesn't know from when we spoke, the look in her face etc.

Basically I asked her to go to the theme park for a date but she said she wasn't ready for a date and wants to be single so I said forget it then and then she sort of changed her mind and said she would go but as friends.

I totally agree with you on the limbo and going nowhere but I'm going to say something, hopefully on Sunday.
Well she said it didnt she. She said she wants to be single. That is pretty clear to me. You could always say that unless the day out is a date for you both, or unless the children are going as well, you dont really see the point.
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Old 11th July 2014, 09:01 PM   #47
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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You need to be firm in this, she is being quite controlling. She is expecting you to drop everything so that she can do what she wants. She needs to know that you have a life as well. You were right to be firm. OF course she was angry, because you are standing up for yourself at last.
It's quite ironic that she acting like that when that was the reason she left me for being "controlling". It's not the first time but normally I drop most things to suit but not anymore!
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Old 11th July 2014, 09:03 PM   #48
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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Well she said it didnt she. She said she wants to be single. That is pretty clear to me. You could always say that unless the day out is a date for you both, or unless the children are going as well, you dont really see the point.
Even though I still want to go, I think you're right.
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Old 11th July 2014, 09:15 PM   #49
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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Even though I still want to go, I think you're right.
If you feel you want to go then why not? You may be able to talk properly without the children being there.

In my experience controlling people will accuse others of being controlling. My husbands ex did the same. She is one of the most controlling bossy people I have ever known, and she accused him of being controlling. He is a typical Aussie, the most laid back, patient, easy to please, easy going person I have ever met. He hasnt got a controlling bone is his body. This is why I am sometimes sceptical when I hear a wife saying their husband is controlling. IN my experience its mostly the wives who are the one who control.
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Old 11th July 2014, 09:15 PM   #50
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

I'm not sure if it helps but I tried forcing the "date thing. It lead to my wife pulling further away and be coming very angry. It was only when I started going places without her and not contacting her that things changed dramatically. I even had a small holiday away. That really made her take notice. I stopped including her in my day to day activities and although it's more difficult where children are involved that doesn't mean we need to include them in everything. Chosen is correct in that she now has control. That's okay, but if you take away that power by doing your own thing it may very well make her look at this differently. It's a risky strategy but it can't make things worse than it is. Appear happy and confident but not dismissive or impolite. It did work for me but I confess I had nowhere else to go at the time. Good luck and stay hopeful if you still believe in her.
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Old 11th July 2014, 09:30 PM   #51
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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If you feel you want to go then why not? You may be able to talk properly without the children being there.

In my experience controlling people will accuse others of being controlling. My husbands ex did the same. She is one of the most controlling bossy people I have ever known, and she accused him of being controlling. He is a typical Aussie, the most laid back, patient, easy to please, easy going person I have ever met. He hasnt got a controlling bone is his body. This is why I am sometimes sceptical when I hear a wife saying their husband is controlling. IN my experience its mostly the wives who are the one who control.
I guess it can't do any harm can it.

Yes ever since the spilt she has been a little controlling. I call it spoilt, as she acts very childish if she doesn't get what she wants. I admit I was controlling and that's why the relationship ended. When we were together she never was controlling or acted in this way. It's just now she's like this.
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Old 11th July 2014, 09:32 PM   #52
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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I'm not sure if it helps but I tried forcing the "date thing. It lead to my wife pulling further away and be coming very angry. It was only when I started going places without her and not contacting her that things changed dramatically. I even had a small holiday away. That really made her take notice. I stopped including her in my day to day activities and although it's more difficult where children are involved that doesn't mean we need to include them in everything. Chosen is correct in that she now has control. That's okay, but if you take away that power by doing your own thing it may very well make her look at this differently. It's a risky strategy but it can't make things worse than it is. Appear happy and confident but not dismissive or impolite. It did work for me but I confess I had nowhere else to go at the time. Good luck and stay hopeful if you still believe in her.
Thanks for the reply Barry. I'm beginning to think this is my last chance to win her back but like you say it's risky.

How long were you spilt from your wife for? Did you move out or live together at the time of the spilt?
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Old 11th July 2014, 09:50 PM   #53
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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Thanks for the reply Barry. I'm beginning to think this is my last chance to win her back but like you say it's risky.

How long were you spilt from your wife for? Did you move out or live together at the time of the spilt?
It is risky but what have you got to loose? She has said she wants to be single, so the worst that can happen is that she stays where she is now.

People do sometimes get angry if they think that someone is standing up to them. For the last year she has had her all her own way with you running around after her meeting all her needs and demands and where has it got you? You are still in exactly the same position as you were a year ago. Maybe time for a different strategy.
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Old 11th July 2014, 10:18 PM   #54
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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It is risky but what have you got to loose? She has said she wants to be single, so the worst that can happen is that she stays where she is now.

People do sometimes get angry if they think that someone is standing up to them. For the last year she has had her all her own way with you running around after her meeting all her needs and demands and where has it got you? You are still in exactly the same position as you were a year ago. Maybe time for a different strategy.
That's very true!

It's got me nowhere and I do think you are right. I'm thinking maybe go on this day out with her and then have the chat where I tell her I can't go on like this and maybe we just need to talk only about the kids and hopefully she will come round. I think in addition the letter you mentioned would be a good idea too.

I know it sounds easy but to me it's really complex on what to say and how to put things across and I'm so confused and worried
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Old 11th July 2014, 10:53 PM   #55
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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That's very true!

It's got me nowhere and I do think you are right. I'm thinking maybe go on this day out with her and then have the chat where I tell her I can't go on like this and maybe we just need to talk only about the kids and hopefully she will come round. I think in addition the letter you mentioned would be a good idea too.

I know it sounds easy but to me it's really complex on what to say and how to put things across and I'm so confused and worried
That's why I think you may need to write it down before hand, and give it to her to take home and read on her own. If you say it in person like you have tried before, she will probably try and stop you by mentioning another woman again or something similar. I do wish she would agree to counselling again so that you could communicate about all this with a trained third party there to mediate.

I think the main thing to say is that if after this past year she still wants to remain single, then things need to change for the sake of your emotional health and for the sake of the children so they know where they are.
If she wont come back or at least agree to counselling and working towards reconciliation, then you need to start to separate your lives and make things a bit more permanent and structured. I doubt she will like it, because she is happy with the status quo it seems.
You could then mention some of the things you think need changing at this time, and end by saying that at the moment you are still very open to you both trying hard to make a go of it if she still wants to. She has to make a choice and stop keeping you hanging on forever.


The only other alternative is that you carry on this way for a set time, say another 3-6 months, and hope that she will suddenly decide that she no longer wants to be away.
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Old 12th July 2014, 09:10 AM   #56
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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That's why I think you may need to write it down before hand, and give it to her to take home and read on her own. If you say it in person like you have tried before, she will probably try and stop you by mentioning another woman again or something similar. I do wish she would agree to counselling again so that you could communicate about all this with a trained third party there to mediate.

I think the main thing to say is that if after this past year she still wants to remain single, then things need to change for the sake of your emotional health and for the sake of the children so they know where they are.
If she wont come back or at least agree to counselling and working towards reconciliation, then you need to start to separate your lives and make things a bit more permanent and structured. I doubt she will like it, because she is happy with the status quo it seems.
You could then mention some of the things you think need changing at this time, and end by saying that at the moment you are still very open to you both trying hard to make a go of it if she still wants to. She has to make a choice and stop keeping you hanging on forever.


The only other alternative is that you carry on this way for a set time, say another 3-6 months, and hope that she will suddenly decide that she no longer wants to be away.

Yes I agree. Although this is really getting me down sometimes I think I would give her more time, say 3-6 months if say she is willing to maybe start dating after x amount of months to see where it goes. I'm getting nothing as she doesn't know what she wants in terms on a yes or no final answer.

I think I have one choice deep down and through these last few months of certain things happening, for example like yesterday it proves that she doesn't like it when I say no to her. Maybe by talking only about the kids it will prove and show her what it's really like without me being there for her on tap and maybe she might come round.
I got a feeling she's going to make things very hard for me if I go this route and it's a risky situation but I don't want to live my life in the friend zone and I would rather move on than her just seeing me as a friend and nothing else!

I wish I knew how she really felt about me and if there are still any feeling there no matter how small...
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Old 12th July 2014, 09:33 AM   #57
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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Yes I agree. Although this is really getting me down sometimes I think I would give her more time, say 3-6 months if say she is willing to maybe start dating after x amount of months to see where it goes. I'm getting nothing as she doesn't know what she wants in terms on a yes or no final answer.

I think I have one choice deep down and through these last few months of certain things happening, for example like yesterday it proves that she doesn't like it when I say no to her. Maybe by talking only about the kids it will prove and show her what it's really like without me being there for her on tap and maybe she might come round.
I got a feeling she's going to make things very hard for me if I go this route and it's a risky situation but I don't want to live my life in the friend zone and I would rather move on than her just seeing me as a friend and nothing else!

I wish I knew how she really felt about me and if there are still any feeling there no matter how small...
No she wont like it because she likes the way things are. Its convenient for her and she has the best of both worlds. She is living like a single woman while getting all the benefits of a married one. She needs to know that while she may be happy with this status quo of just being friends, you arent, and you cant carry on this way for ever. You either want her as your wife or you need to move on and make a new life for yourself.
I think that is totally reasonable and after a year already I am not sure what she expects to be honest.

You could give her the choice and put the ball in her court. 1)she comes to counselling with you with a view to working on the marriage and being reconciled, or 2) you begin to make changes and separate your lives more. Then she can have a time to think about it and make her decision.
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Old 12th July 2014, 09:52 AM   #58
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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No she wont like it because she likes the way things are. Its convenient for her and she has the best of both worlds. She is living like a single woman while getting all the benefits of a married one. She needs to know that while she may be happy with this status quo of just being friends, you arent, and you cant carry on this way for ever. You either want her as your wife or you need to move on and make a new life for yourself.
I think that is totally reasonable and after a year already I am not sure what she expects to be honest.

You could give her the choice and put the ball in her court. 1)she comes to counselling with you with a view to working on the marriage and being reconciled, or 2) you begin to make changes and separate your lives more. Then she can have a time to think about it and make her decision.

Can't see her being up for going to counselling. Why would a single person who is apparently happy that way want to go? What benefit would that be to her?
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Old 12th July 2014, 02:42 PM   #59
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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Can't see her being up for going to counselling. Why would a single person who is apparently happy that way want to go? What benefit would that be to her?
Well thats my point really. She seems more than happy to have the freedom of a single person, and the benefits of a married one. Is anything going to change unless you begin to stand up for yourself more?
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Old 12th July 2014, 03:21 PM   #60
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

Very true. I guess I proved that yesterday when I said I was going out and she put the phone down on me. She rang today and was a nice as pie so didn't stay angry for long.

Something just come to me. I always remember what she said shortly after we spilt up and should of done really but never did. She told me she wanted me to act like I didn't care she ended the relationship and that it would make her want it more. The thing is, it was the opposite I wanted to do at the time. I've made so many mistakes. I feel like I should always do the opposite from what I think from now on...

Last edited by UkGuy; 12th July 2014 at 03:47 PM.
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