Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

[chosen]

If the marriage is over why is she will contacting you?

[ralfgarnett]

She rang me again at lunchtime she sounded lovely but I haven't replied as yet, I know its wrong but I want her to know what its like to pine and worry over someone wondering what you have actually done wrong to deserve such treatment, I may call her back some day soon as the cats need their annual innoculations and they are my number 1 focus at the moment not us 2.

[ralfgarnett]

Originally Posted by chosen

If the marriage is over why is she will contacting you?

Don't know porobaly about the cats vets visit

[chosen]

Maybe you need to ask her not to contact you any more if she isnt coming back. It will only make it harder for you in the long run. If she isnt returning they are effectively your cats now anyway.

[ralfgarnett]

Originally Posted by chosen

Maybe you need to ask her not to contact you any more if she isnt coming back. It will only make it harder for you in the long run. If she isnt returning they are effectively your cats now anyway.

That scares me, the thought that I would never see that sweet little face, those sad green eyes, her soft red hair ever again cuts me in 2, plus I feel really sad for the kittys they are our babies and I don't like the thought of them not having her in their lives they love her so much and I know she loves them, so confused sometimes I need to clear my head and try to start thinking clearly, maybe my 2 breaks before the end of the year will help me to do that, I just hope that the SADS doesn't take too much of a grip on me as that clouds my ability to think straight it really is gruesome sometimes especially when in starts getiing dark early in the afternoons I can feel myself starting to painic inside and tears come in to my eyes, it scares me really badly and the thought of horrible tatty crappy Christmas makes me feel physically ill I just hate what it has become its vile I will be glad when its over in fact if I had my way I would ban it all apart from religious worship, I hate the greed, the tat, the gluttony, the irrelevance, the lack of genuine religion, I hate the sentimentality of it all, the TV, in fact everything about what it is today, I have the greatese respect for the Victorians but could kick them up the backside for giving us the legacy of this tatty version of Christmas it really makes me want to puke I hate it so much.

[chosen]

ralf if the marriage is over, then surely it will make it harder for you if you keep seeing her?

As for Christmas, its what you make of it. We have never gone over board, we don't drink, we don't each much more than usual and we don't spend much on presents. If you want it to be just a time for remembering what Jesus did, then make it that way for you. You could even go away for Christmas, many do. We dont have to go along with the flow do we.

[ralfgarnett]

Originally Posted by chosen

ralf if the marriage is over, then surely it will make it harder for you if you keep seeing her?

As for Christmas, its what you make of it. We have never gone over board, we don't drink, we don't each much more than usual and we don't spend much on presents. If you want it to be just a time for remembering what Jesus did, then make it that way for you. You could even go away for Christmas, many do. We dont have to go along with the flow do we.

I am scared chosen these days it reminds me of my mum dying a few yaers ago and she would be sad to see my wife and I apart and me sat here on my own on xmas day like billy no mates or scrooge, the good reverend has invited me for dinner though and he has a first class wine cellar that I could raid, I might do that if nothing else comes up

[chosen]

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

I am scared chosen these days it reminds me of my mum dying a few yaers ago and she would be sad to see my wife and I apart and me sat here on my own on xmas day like billy no mates or scrooge, the good reverend has invited me for dinner though and he has a first class wine cellar that I could raid, I might do that if nothing else comes up

Thats very kind of him and a good idea for you. I understand the christmas and loosing someone thing. When my mum died suddenly age 57 in Jan 28 years ago, the last time we saw her was at Christmas:-(
Also I do remember the Christmasses after my first marriage ended. Just me and the children, and trying to put on a happy face for them. Not easy.

[ronnoco]

I think you should take that offer Ralf - it sounds good and sometimes things don't turn out as bad as what you think.

I agree that Christmas is way to hyped up. I don't like seeing anything to do with it until at least after Bonfire night, but as a father of 3 children - I do see the other side. When you see how excited they get during the build up, opening their advent calenders and then the presents on the big day, it is very nice.

Also, they learn a lot about Christmas and the meaning behind it at school. Seeing them singing carols and in nativity plays is really quite lovely.

It's not all bad, but for someone like you, in a dark place there can seem little point. As Chosen says, embrace it how you see fit but worry about Christmas at Christmas. Take each day one day at a time. Hold on tot he good ones and let the bad ones go.

[ralfgarnett]

I probably will go, he is a nice bloke and very jolly with a good sense of humour, there will be quite a few other people there as the rectory is quite big and he has lots of friends, but not making any decisions as yet will wait until much closer to the time for that, who knows we might of sorted things out by then and we can have a family day together as we used to.

[ralfgarnett]

As with UK-chap I have been out with my wife today too, although we only went to the vets ( I have been meaning to get myself neutered for a while now) we still had a nice time together, she was even talking to the vet about our home life and what the cats get up to, very strange almost like we have never been apart AGAIN, I really don't understand its not bothering me but she seems confused, asked to meet up next sunday for Armistice day and coming back for lunch, as with UK-chap I too am going with the flow for now

[chosen]

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

As with UK-chap I have been out with my wife today too, although we only went to the vets ( I have been meaning to get myself neutered for a while now) we still had a nice time together, she was even talking to the vet about our home life and what the cats get up to, very strange almost like we have never been apart AGAIN, I really don't understand its not bothering me but she seems confused, asked to meet up next sunday for Armistice day and coming back for lunch, as with UK-chap I too am going with the flow for now

So she has said the marriage is definitely over right? She said recently that she isnt coming back? She wants to see you just as friends? Are you going to be able to get over her and move on if you are still seeing her regularly? It will be a lot harder for you.
Maybe its a man/woman thing, but if I was so clearly rejected by my spouse, I wouldnt want anything to do with them. Seeing them would open the wound each time.

[ralfgarnett]

Hi Chosen thanks for your concern your very kind, I don't accept it's over I never have, when I see her I see a very scared lost girl not sure of herself, I have faith that one day we can sort things out somehow, with regards moving on I don't even know what that means for me or even how to do it, I have heard it said many times of course but don't understand it, I agree about rejection it hurts like mad sometimes but I don't think she really knows what she is fully doing, I might be totally wrong but I have hope that things will change I don't know why but I just do, funny thing when I see her I don't feel wounds opening up I just see someone I care a lot about I don't feel sad or anything when we part its quite odd really after all these years, had there been infidelity then I would feel and act very differently about her and the situation in fact I would of done all I could to destroy her but thank god it hasn't been like that.

[chosen]

She was quite clear a couple of weeks ago when she said that she would never come back. I believe you have to respect her decision and accept it.
Moving on means accepting it, grieving for the loss of the marriage, and beginning a life without her in it as a single man.

Whether she is or isnt lost is no longer your responsibility, as she has decided that she no longer wants to be a married lady, and that doesnt seem like the decision of someone who is lost, it seems like someone who knows what she wants and has done it.

[ralfgarnett]

im scared so very scared I need my break next week and se what comes from it fel so ill