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Old 22nd October 2002, 02:36 PM   #1
heavensmyhome
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Question divorce

Hi, I am going through a divorce I have started the proceedings myself...It is really hard to come to terms with. I have been a Christian for 13 yrs and married for 10yrs seperated for 3yrs.
It was my husbands decision to end the marraige and he asked me to move out 3yrs ago we have 4 children. I couldnt talk him into a reconcilliation, but just hoped god would heal our marraige and change both of our hearts for it to work. I was devastated.
About 6 months ago he got a girlfriend and commited adultry.
So to me the marraige was over I had to come to terms with this and move on. I really believed God wasnt going to heal our marraige. so i took the decision to finallise it on paper because I really dont want to live my life alone and would love to re-marry.
My ex husband and I are still friends so I told him he will receive a letter from the solicitor with the divorce papers. He broke down and want to come back. But I cant I have nmoved on to far, It has taken me 3 yrs to come to terms with our seperation and I finally managed to overcome the grief and start life again.
I dont think God wants me to take him back, but I dont want to anyway and I feel awful about this. It is so confusing. But I really would like to meet someone else, and thats another can of worms about christians re-marrying. Its all so complicated and I guess I just want to feel like I am doing the right thing.
Thanks for listening sorry it so long.
God bless f
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Old 22nd October 2002, 06:38 PM   #2
Liz
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Dear Heavenismyhome,

You have been through a lot of hurt and heartache and by the sound of it tried to do the right thing throughout. You are bound to have some strong and difficult feelings about what is happening. Were you surprised at your husband's reaction? I guess you assumed that by now he had moved on. He is facing the challenge of the finality of the thing, something he may not have faced up to so far. It will take him time to do that.

You don't say whether you have sought help to cope with the separation or whether you've done it on your own. Is there someone in your church who you can trust to counsel you and pray with you through this situation (someone of the same sex or a couple). For your peace of mind you need to hear from the Lord, what He wants for your life, how He loves you come what may, His forgiveness for any mistakes you have made and how to forgive your husband. The bible says that God hates divorce, but not the divorced or abandoned spouse.

God loves and accepts you just the way you are. There is nothing we can do to make Him love us less or more than He already does. If you try to keep close to Him, He will show you the way forward.

Liz
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Old 22nd October 2002, 07:18 PM   #3
heavensmyhome
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Thank you for that Liz, yes I was surprised by my husbands reaction, its been confusing all the way through, he gave the impression it was all over for so long that when he came to visit the children he did expect the marital activities to carry on but I found this uncomfortable and confusing. so when he found a girlfriend I really thought it was a release in the end. But he finished with her saying he wants to come back to me.
Yes I have spoken to my pastor and his wife about it and they have been very supportive and loving through it all.
I do feel very close to God which is why I dont ever want to let him down. I dont want to do the wrong thing because I dont want to save the marraige. On the other hand I do think deep down the Lord has guided me down this path and I feel he has actually saved me from this marraige so Im pretty sure its not for me to rescue my husband and God is allowing me my freedom.
I just cant help feeling a little guilty because I dont want to save my marraige, but its been 3 yrs, 2 affairs, abusive and I have changed God has healed alot and I am afraid to go back to how it was incase it all goes wrong again and I am nothing once more.
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Old 22nd October 2002, 07:59 PM   #4
Liz
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Is there a third way?

You rightly say that you don't want to go back into an abusive relationship in which you are nothing. You obviously also want a mature adult relationship that respects the way you have grown and matured.

But perhaps it's possible that God wants to change BOTH of you so that your marriage can be born again on a proper foundation - one born of mutual respect not abuse.

I agree it's not for you to "rescue" your husband - but can you allow the possibility that God can??

God's "freedom" is perfectly expressed in service - and the deepest way two human beings can serve each other is in a Christian marriage. He rarely changes us without a purpose.
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Old 22nd October 2002, 09:35 PM   #5
heavensmyhome
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Thanks for your view, but I dont actually consider my ex husband as a Christian now he has gone away from the Lord and hasnt been to church for over 3 yrs. I would really like a new relationship. I realise this is something I have to deal with and alot of Christians will not approve. But for me that marraige is in the past and thats where I think I should leave it.
Thanks anyway.
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Old 26th October 2002, 09:43 AM   #6
Kate
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Dear Heavensmyhome,

You say your husband is no longer a Christian, but that doesn't mean that God has stopped loving Him and I hope He hasn't given up on him either or else what do Christians have to hope for if God abandons them when they mess up?

In the end it's your decision, and it doesn't matter what other people think, only what God thinks, but sometimes He uses His other children to speak His truth into our lives, if we're willing to listen. I'm sorry we can't just say, "Yes you're doing the right thing" if we're not convinced that you are. In the end we will all have to stand before Him and give account of what we've said and done.

All the best

Kate
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Old 26th October 2002, 10:04 AM   #7
heavensmyhome
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so are you saying you dont think I am doing the right thing?
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Old 26th October 2002, 11:32 AM   #8
Kate
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Dear Heavensmyhome,

What I'm trying to say is that I can't say one way or another what you should do. In the end we each need to make those sort of decisions for ourselves after taking advice from those we can trust. In reading your postings, I wondered if you were looking for reassurance and affirmation that you were doing the right thing.

You are facing very tough decisions - there is no doubt that your husband has wronged you and hurt you, but I've come across so many folk on this site and in life who realise too late that they have hurt their spouse and wish they could put things right and rebuild their marriage. For some of them their spouse decides that the risk in trusting them again is too great. You've accepted your husbands apparent rejection of your marriage and now he's apparently changed direction again. It is confusing.

If you look back at what Liz and I have said - we have tried to encourage you to have an open mind to consider the possibilities for a future with your husband, but we have tried very hard not to say what decision you should make, because it is your decision. We have also tried to encourage you to believe that God will go on loving both of you whatever your decision, but that He does care what that decision is.

I always look at troubled marriages and hope and long for healing, both for the people in the marriage and for the relationship itself. I believe God has the power to heal and restore, but it needs both parties to be willing to allow Him to do so. It is often a mystery as to why some are healed and others aren't. I believe that the Lord loves and accepts those who end up divorced and that He wants the best for them. In the end we all fall short of His longings for us, not just in our marriage relationships but in myriads of other ways.

I hope that makes what we are saying clearer.


Kate
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Old 26th October 2002, 04:46 PM   #9
heavensmyhome
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Thank you Kate, yes I do understand what you are saying, and I realise that no-one can make this decision for me. Inevitably in the end it is between me and God and yes I will have to suffer the consequences of my actions, and answer to God for what I have done, and I cant expect anyone else to be part of my mistakes, I dont want anyone to sin because of my decision cos then I have to answer for that aswell. I wish there was an easy answer to this but I know there isnt. Thank you for trying to help. I really dont know what I am going to do. I can only hope and Pray for Gods wisdom and guidance. And trust in His forgivness if I do make the wrong decision.
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Old 1st June 2005, 04:59 PM   #10
sophsl
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Re: divorce

This website will help you tremendously. I belive you should give your husband another chance. Remember, we can't be forgiven unless we forgive and God has the ability to even restore love that was lost. See your husband through God's eyes and you will want to give him another chance as God has given you another chance.

http://www.restorem.org/cgi-bin/index.cgi?page=index

I wish you God's blessings and peace.
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Old 11th September 2008, 11:23 AM   #11
Akinbowale
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Re: divorce

DIVORCE AND REMARRIAGE – AN ACTS OF REMOVING GOD’S ANCIENT LANDMARK IN OUR MODERN TIMES.
Proverbs 24:21; Isaiah 55:7; Malachi 2:14-16; Matthew 19:6; Revelation 22:18-19
God set landmarks in His word. The Bible doctrines are God’s ancient landmarks which God Himself has set. “My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, for as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.” That is why the Bible says: “My son, fear thou the Lord and the king: and meddle not with them that given to change”. If you tamper with God’s landmark you will slump into doctrinal compromise.
Divorce is a direct blow against who instituted Marriage. From the beginning, Adam & Eve did not have second choice, so God is not God of second choice in marriage .He hate divorce. Divorce close the door of reconciliation – 1Corinthians 7:11
Remarriage to another constitutes adultery, Romans 7:3; Luke 16:18; Proverbs 30:20; Mark 10:1-12; Matthew 5:31-32.
Divorce and remarriage are very common in the advanced nations, and it’s eaten deep at the fabric of Christianity in this modern times. Men and women are changing their commitment and consecration, God’s ancient landmark is being removed as a result of disobedient to God’s word but God never change Malachi 3:5-6
“Remove not the ancient landmarks which thy father’s have set” (Proverbs 22:28).
The worldly system has crept into the church of God as a result of political systems and compromising preacher in our modern times. When we do things in God’s way, we receive divine backing and good result ( this is getting the mind of Christ, not seeking our own ) 1John 2:6; Philippians 2:5 True Christians are only pilgrim on earth, God’s word is giving to us as the only final authority and only true guideline to follow. The Bible tell us clearly that the books will be opened for Genesis to Revelation and we will be judge by what God has written in those book…. And not by man’s interpretation.
In the Middle East churches, it is impossible to get divorce under any circumstances. If you happen to want a divorce, you will have to go to the Moslem court who will demand that you DENY Christ and accept Mohammed. Then, they will grant you a divorce and remarry you to a MOSLEM. But the Christian Court will not divorce and remarry anyone. If a person goes to the Moslem Court and denies Christ, then, he is a heretic and put out of the Christian Church. And if he dies, the church will not bury him. All the churches of all the denomination do their own marriages, and they don’t have to go to the Moslem (Government) Court, as they do in the advanced nations But the church do the whole work and register them in the church book and issue a legal marriage Certificate. And no Christian church will issue a divorce to anyone on any grounds whatever – except putting away for the cause of FORNICATION.
In view of God’s judgment, preachers must preach the whole counsel of God and made every member stand to it, we must preach strict disciplined in the church, not to turn the grace of God to lasciviousness. God is certainly LOVE… but the LOVE of God does not trample over the justice of God. Read John3:36
God called us unto holiness, and without holiness no man shall see the Lord(Hebrew 12:14). Judgment must first begin at the house of God, and if it begins with us, what will be end of those who know not God?–1Peters 4:17.
God is merciful, He is ready to forgive us and heals our land if will turn to Him today with humility and genuine repentance (2Chronicle 7:14, Proverbs 28:13; Ezekiel 18:30-33).
There is nothing like God of second chance in marriage. He is not a respecter of person. You can’t divorce and remarry. You can’t steal a car and continue to use it after repentance, you need to return it to the rightful owner – Restitution.
Marriage was instituted by God before God gave the law to Moses for him to teach the people of Israel . It was God that join a man and woman together not a court. Infact, court was not privy to man’s creation, the Creator and the Founder of marriage says “ ….He hates putting away…..” Malachi 2:16). Christ added ….” Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so. And I say unto you , whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery; and whosoever marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery. His disciples say unto him, if the case of the man be so with his wife, it is not good to marry .But he said unto them, All men cannot receive this saying…” (Matthew 19: 8-11a). But if you born of God, you will overcome this thing; “whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: for this is the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith” (1John 5:4).i.e. you must overcome sins(the works of the flesh), self(flesh and passions), Satan(temptation and its allurements), and the world(the lust of eyes and the pride of life), and live a life of self-crucifixion daily with absolute dependence on God’s grace daily before you can be a true child of God.
As a matter of fact, all that court does in marriage is a written witness that two people have agreed to join in Holy matrimony that is instituted by God for the spreading of the human race on earth. God does nor change His laws nor His standards for any one or any generation. His word still remains “ Whatever God has joined t ogether, let no man put asunder” A true born again child of God will not put asunder God’s ordained institution. The Ancient of days hates putting away!
In Matthew 19:1-8 – Moses permitting them to put away their wives did not receive the approval of Jesus. Neither did God tell Moses to go ahead and let them put asunder what I have put, and take another chance at it, and try to make the second marriage succeed.
Remarriage to another constitutes adultery. Romans 7:3; Luke 16:18; Proverbs 30:20; Mark 10:11-12.
Saving for the cause of fornication: Matthew 5:31-32; Matthew 19:9 – Jesus is dealing with one who has broken the law of espousal by fornication. Under the law of espousal they were already considered husband and wife before they came together (Deuteronomy 22: 25-26; Matthew 1:18-25 – The bridegroom had the option to put his espousal wife away when she was guilty of fornication. Joseph did as he was told, “and knew her not, till she brought forth her first son” (Matthew 1:25).
In 1Corinthians 7:15, 11 A brother or Sister have unbelieving companion can separate but remained unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. 1Corinthians 7:39-40; But if her husband died, she can remarry (she is free to do so Romans 7:3). Hence, when one commits adultery, they sin against the marriage vow and bed. But when one commits fornication, they sin against their own body (1Corinthians 6:19-20).
“ A house can change from a heaven to a hell when a child acquires a stepparent”. But God house is established on truth, laws and judgment which are part of the nature of God. God house is a holy place (our body is the temple of Holy Ghost ), the worshippers of God must live a holy life and abide in the God-given heavenly constitution (The Bible) to guide us on earth. 1Timothy 3:15; 2John9-11)
God is a God of orderliness. The combination of holiness, faith and prayer make a lethal weapon no enemy can face, the family that has it shall do exploits. ”Meditate upon these things: give thyself wholly to them that they may appear to all. Take heed to thyself and unto the doctrine: continue in them; for in this thou shalt both save thyself and them that hear thee”(1Timothy 4: 15-16). But for those who hold the truth of God in unrighteousness shall be judged.. 1Peter 4:16, 17-19; 3:4; 1peter 3:17; James 1:15-16; Romans 1:22-24; 1Corinthians 6:9; 15:33-34. God’s judgment on whoredom Read: Leviticus 19:29; Deuteronomy 23:17-18; 22:13-30; Ezekiel 16:33-59; Ephesians 5:5-6; 1Timothy 1:9-10; Hebrews13:4; Revelation 21:8 “ “For I am jealous over you with godly jealousy: for I have espoused you to one husband….” 2Corinthians 11:2; Revelation 19:7

Akinbowale Isaac Adewumi
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