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Old 16th February 2015, 07:56 PM   #1
Nikki
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having a hard time believing my husband

I recent found out about my husband's multiple affairs. He confessed everything but told me he sought comfort and self assurance from these women due to his perceived feeling of rejection from me. As much as i understand how he felt, what's puzzling to me is that he said the sexual encounters were not for pleasure but occurred as proof that he was dersirable and can have easy sex with these women. He said the sex was not enjoyable!! But my question is...how could he get aroused and go all the way if it wasn't enjoyable? And why multiple times? He also said he was forced to have sex with the last affair partner because she threatened to tell me. I mean someone threatens you and you can still get aroused! Can someone please shed some light on whether this is possible or is he trying to downplay his indiscretions in a desperate attempt to save our marriage. it's difficult to move on as i find it unbelievable.
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Old 16th February 2015, 09:23 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: having a hard time believing my husband

He is telling you a pack of lies to stop himself needing to take any responsibility for his serial adulteries, lies, betrayals and deceit. Blaming the other spouse is a common way of blame shifting.
Why on earth would you even consider staying with such a deeply immoral cheat and liar? He clearly has no concept of faithfulness, honesty, integrity or decency. In your place you wouldnt see me for dust. You have no marriage. IT was destroyed long ago.

Last edited by chosen; 16th February 2015 at 09:33 PM.
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Old 16th February 2015, 09:30 PM   #3
ralfgarnett
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Re: having a hard time believing my husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
He is telling you a pack of lies to stop himself needing to take any responsibility for his serial adulteries, lies, betrayals and deceit. Blaming the other spouse is a common way of blame shifting.
Why on earth would you even consider staying with such a deeply immoral cheat and liar? He clearly has no concept of faithfulness, honesty, integrity or decency. In your place you wouldnt see me for dust. You have no marriage.
Ditto, I read this earlier and coudnt believe the naivety of the op, he is a filthy cheating sewer rat, you summed it up perfectly dear chosen.
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Old 16th February 2015, 09:45 PM   #4
Raymond
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Re: having a hard time believing my husband

He is right in a way Nikki. Men can get aroused very easily and forget the reasons during the event, especially where there is no commitment.

There is no excuse for adultery but he obviously suffers from low esteem and thinks you reject Him. He obviously is going the wrong way about it and had no thought about what you felt by this betrayal.

The future lies with you really. Either you end the marriage on the basis of adultery or you continue. If the latter you would need his full repentance to make it work. I wouldn't try and move on without that. A seperation is in order until you see that repentance, if it is not there already. I think that is the first stage. I won't say any more until you have ascertained his position, but I would stress again that it is obviously your choice on what you decide.
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Old 16th February 2015, 10:30 PM   #5
Nikki
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Re: having a hard time believing my husband

That's for shedding some light Raymond but i still don't see how he could not have been enjoying it. The mere fact that he went back says a lot in my book but i need a man's perspective on this perhaps some who has cheated. He has accepted full responsibilty and does feel remorseful and wants to make it up to me. So far since dday dec 2 he has been open and honest about his feelings, whereabouts etc. And has tried to answer all my questions. ..it's just that one thing that bothers me which i need to get a third party perspective on because i don't know what's going on in a man's mind. I haven't decided yet whether to stay or move one cuz I'm still hurting very badly.
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Old 16th February 2015, 11:45 PM   #6
chosen
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Re: having a hard time believing my husband

He hasnt accepted full responsibility at all, he is blaming you and blaming one of the women. No one can 'force' you to have sex, unless someone rapes you. He will of course have enjoyed the sex as sex, some men can do that wheras most women also need an emotional involvement.
I dont see any repentance at all, and for a man to have had that many affairs, it will be almost impossible for him to then be faithful. How could you possibly ever trust him again or believe a word he says?
Did he tell you or did you have to find out?

Its common for cheaters to say that they 'didn't really enjoy it,' or that it was 'just sex'. Rubbish. He wouldn't have had so many affairs with so many women if that was the case. You dont risk you marriage for something that isnt enjoyable or exciting.

I am afraid that you are not seeing what is in front of your eyes here. You dont want to see it which is understandable. This isnt just a one night stand, a one off mistake, this is many many women many many times, along with the many years of lies and deceit and betrayal.

Last edited by chosen; 16th February 2015 at 11:54 PM.
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Old 17th February 2015, 10:50 AM   #7
Raymond
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Re: having a hard time believing my husband

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Originally Posted by Nikki View Post
That's for shedding some light Raymond but i still don't see how he could not have been enjoying it. The mere fact that he went back says a lot in my book but i need a man's perspective on this perhaps some who has cheated. He has accepted full responsibilty and does feel remorseful and wants to make it up to me. So far since dday dec 2 he has been open and honest about his feelings, whereabouts etc. And has tried to answer all my questions. ..it's just that one thing that bothers me which i need to get a third party perspective on because i don't know what's going on in a man's mind. I haven't decided yet whether to stay or move one cuz I'm still hurting very badly.
There's no question that he didn't enjoy it Nikki. Of course he did, even though it was wrong.

You now have to make a judgement on whether you have real repentance that will mean a change of lifestyle. As I said it's your choice. You have good grounds for divorce. If you are looking to the aspect of continuing the marriage then he needs to prove himself and begin to restore the trust. This will take a long time as it is the one aspect of a relationship that takes the longest to be built up but can be broken the quickest. You would need to find forgiveness as well.

I know it is very difficult as you will be suffering from betrayal, broken trust and a host of other things. I really pray that you will be able to do the right thing.
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Old 10th March 2015, 05:45 AM   #8
rose61
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Re: having a hard time believing my husband

Why on earth would you even consider staying with such a deeply immoral cheat and liar?
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Old 10th March 2015, 08:27 AM   #9
constantcrab
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Re: having a hard time believing my husband

Hi, I understand that it is really difficult to accept a person especially your husband after a betrayal. Actually, you will really lose your trust and could not even give it back so easily unless your husband proves it to you that he already change for good. However, if you want to save your relationship and you love him, then you may give him another chance. It is really up to your decision. I suggest that you talk to your husband about it and compromise.
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Old 13th March 2015, 12:00 PM   #10
addeson7
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Re: having a hard time believing my husband

You will both find it to be a great help and comfort to be able to talk to someone who has faced similar troubles and be supportive and understanding of each other. You are honest enough to say that you see this lady as purely a platonic friend and of course there is nothing wrong with that, we are allowed friends of the opposite sex.








__________________________________________________ ______________
Usman

Last edited by addeson7; 19th November 2018 at 06:46 AM.
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Old 13th March 2015, 12:50 PM   #11
chosen
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Re: having a hard time believing my husband

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Originally Posted by addeson7 View Post
You will both find it to be a great help and comfort to be able to talk to someone who has faced similar troubles and be supportive and understanding of each other. You are honest enough to say that you see this lady as purely a platonic friend and of course there is nothing wrong with that, we are allowed friends of the opposite sex.
with sensible boundaries of course.
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