Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  
Old 17th April 2014, 09:53 AM   #1
Lost2014
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2
Unhappy Wife is confused

Hi everyone,

This is my first post. I'm here because my wife has had an affair, which I can forgive, but says she has feelings for him. She's only young (26) and so am I (25) but this man she's seeing is 40. He's left his wife, and she did leave me, but came back because she had nowhere else to go.

Since she's been home, we've talked a lot and she said that our marriage was never bad before, she didn't want this to happen, but it has. She says she loves spending time with me and doesn't want to lose me but doesn't know what her feelings are for this other person.

I've told her that she can stay while she tries to figure out what she wants, I believe that this is just a phase and it'll burn out because it's just infatuation. I know she now has doubts about leaving, everything isn't as green on the other side as she thought.

I love her wholeheartedly and we fit together perfectly. We could spend forever in each other's company and never get bored, and she says she still feels the same way about me. I honestly believe that we're perfect together and think the attention from this other man was enough to excite her and this is how it's ended up.

So my question is; is this just a fling? Would she really be at home with me if she really wanted to be with him? She is still going out and seeing him, because I want her to know that this isn't real until she recommits to me.

I guess I'm just looking for everyone's thoughts on this really...

Thanks!
Lost2014 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th April 2014, 10:37 AM   #2
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Wife is confused

Lost, I cant believe that you are allowing her to carry on seeing him when she is still with you. .She must stop seeing him or having any contact with him at all. You allowing this to happen while she is married to you and living with you is not going to help, and you need to stand up for your marriage and stop this affair now. If she refuses to stop seeing him then she needs to leave. She needs to choose you or him.
She must know that you are not going to put up with her cheating with another man ever again. At the moment she has not had to suffer any consequences for her awful actions so she has the best of both worlds.

She has already broken up one marriage by her actions, and she may break up two. She said she didn't want this to happen, but she choose to cheat and she choice to deceive and betray you. She is fortunate that you want anything more to do with her. Many would end the marriage and thank God for a lucky escape.

If she chooses you, then you guys need to have some serious talks about setting clear boundaries with how she relates to the opposite sex. I have some good books I can recommend about that subject.

I am very concerned that your marriage is so new, and yet she has already cheated. It doesnt send out good messages I am afraid, and she doesnt seem to value faithfulness or trust.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th April 2014, 01:04 PM   #3
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Wife is confused

I agree with Chosen. This is adultery for goodness sake. I think you should put your foot down and give her stark choices. Either him or you. I don't think it is helping to accomodate her in this. In a way you might be enabling it because of your weakness. I think you have to be cruel to be kind in this situation. Please take some control. If you get a chance speak to him confront him. He has got a cheek flirting with your wife. A right anger will better serve you in this situation. Her choosing you must include cutting off from him completely with no contact whatsoever. Don't give her halfway options. That will lead to confusion.

Last edited by Raymond; 17th April 2014 at 05:57 PM.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th April 2014, 01:53 PM   #4
ronnoco
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 391
Re: Wife is confused

Lost - I think I know what's happening here.

Because you love your wife so much and don't want to loose her, and are scared, your mind isn't correctly digesting what has happened. You need to research "5 stages of grief" on Google because right now, you are in shock. You just want everything tyo be like it was but it's not going to be that simple. You need a reality check.

Please listen to Raymond and Chosen as I can guarantee you they are correct.

The biggest problem you have now is your wife is literally having her cake and eating it and you are actually allowing this to happen!

If you turned around and said to your wife "pack your bags, get out, we're finished!" - her world would probably crumble. I'm not suggesting you actually do this but seriously, you can't go on as you are. Your wife has taken a diabolic liberty here. Her behavior is appalling. Don't be scared now - stand up for yourself and what is right. Your wife is taking advantage of your good nature - no more Mr nice guy - you can't just be a safety net for her - you wont last.

Have a look at these, the second bullet point of the 1st link is particularly important : -

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/16

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/127

All the best and keep posting.
ronnoco is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th April 2014, 08:03 AM   #5
Lost2014
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2
Re: Wife is confused

Thanks everyone.

I do understand what you are saying. I'm just having a difficult time doing anything about it. All I want is for us to work. He's just a fling that will fall by the wayside and I don't think that's worth risking my marriage for.

We got together very young, but that's enabled us to grow together. We've been together 10 years and married for almost 5.

I guess I'm just trying to rationalise what on earth is going on here!
Lost2014 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th April 2014, 01:47 PM   #6
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Wife is confused

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lost2014 View Post
Thanks everyone.

I do understand what you are saying. I'm just having a difficult time doing anything about it. All I want is for us to work. He's just a fling that will fall by the wayside and I don't think that's worth risking my marriage for.

We got together very young, but that's enabled us to grow together. We've been together 10 years and married for almost 5.

I guess I'm just trying to rationalise what on earth is going on here!
You dont know whether it will fall by the way side or not, but you allowing her to cheat on you while still together will make her think that you are weak and that she can act how she lies with no consequences.
If you were having an affair would you expect her to just accept it and stay together under the same roof?
Your fear of losing her is allowing her to manipulate you and walk all over you. If you do nothing, then even if this affair ends she will probably cheat again because you are not being firm or wise in the way you are handling this. You are not setting good boundaries for the marriage as to what is and isn't acceptable. If you give her a choice and she chooses him, then you will have had a lucky escape from a life time with a woman who thinks nothing of cheating on her husband under his roof. She needs to know that there are serious consequences to what she had done(and is doing). She has already left one wife without a husband, and probably children without a father.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
advice, affair, love, marriage, separation

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 11:04 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright 1999-2019 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer