Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  
Old 6th August 2013, 11:26 PM   #1
Puglove
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Exclamation Husband has left!

Hello! I am new to this forum and need some help, my husband has left me after 9 months of marriage!

I will start from the beginning!

Unfortunately my dad died a month before our wedding last year, what followed due to grief was me becoming an angry, depressed person. I'm 25 my husband is 28. For 5 months after he was lovely, however he has always had a desire to go to the pub quite a bit. We had an argument in feb of this year during which I told him I didn't feel loved and appreciated (due to him leaving a few nights a week to go out.)

From that moment he changed! He said he wasn't sure if he "felt the same" anymore. He then got in with some younger friends and HAD to go out with them twice a week, he would come home from work and go straight out until 2am on a work night.
My mum then paid for me and him to go on holiday for a week with her and my brother in memory of my dad, two weeks before the trip he ran back to his parents for "some space" my mum phoned his parents to see what was going on etc. he the came back saying he did not want to go on this trip! It was all paid for!! I told him it meant a lot to me so he had to go!

He went, we all had a nice time. After that he got worse, he moved to the spare room, was going out more, I couldn't meet these young Friends or go out with him, he wouldn't talk to me.
We tried one relate counselling session during which I screamed at him for not talking. He said "he wanted to do what he wanted to do, all I want is to settle down." Two data later he wants a "seperation" no discussion.

He left to his parents 5 and a half weeks ago. Since then he keeps saying he wants a divorce, but then he will say he doesn't really want to do this but he has no choice because he's not a big fan of my mum, he doesn't feel the same way about me but today on the anniversary of my dads death he came over (fathers day this year he spent it with his new mates!)

He insists he isn't seeing anyone (and I believe him,) he always seems so sad and upset when talking to me.
I admit I had faults, I was an angry and bitter woman. I am on medication and having therapy and feel more like the girl he married again! When I told him this tonight he has said he "hasn't got it him in to argue anymore," "I am only saying what he wants to hear!" Then when leaving he gave me a cuddle!

I really think he isn't himself, not thinking it through, just wanting to "run away," things were never "that bad" we have no money problems, both been faithful, not violent. To me marriage is forever and he is just running at the first hurdle! No one wants us to split up. He won't talk to his parents about this (they don't want us to split) he is convinced my whole family think bad of him (they don't!) he is so thin and I'm just worried why he wants to throw away me, our house when he "doesn't really want to."

I want him back but back to the lovely man he was (and who seems to be coming back!) I don't feel it's over yet! I need advice and help desperately!



X
  Reply With Quote
Old 6th August 2013, 11:36 PM   #2
Puglove
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Husband has left!

Just to add he then blamed me for "making him" go on the all paid for holiday.
We have no children only two dog babies! Both work full time! Do I just wait? I am a totally different girl to the girl he left. I'm more Independent and happy!
I do have a very close relationship to my mum and gran which he does not have with his as such and considers my mum to be interfering (which she can be!)
He seems to run a lot from things and does not like confrontation. To me he has left at a time when I needed him...yes we had a few arguments but nothing I would consider "divorce worthy!"
  Reply With Quote
Old 7th August 2013, 05:17 AM   #3
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Husband has left!

Puglove, I would give him time and space and continue to get yourself better.

One thing I would strongly advise however, is that you have to start being your own family and putting him first over your mum and grandmother. He CLEARLY didn't want to go away with them, and yet you did pressure him to go. You TOLD him he HAD to go!!!!!NO he didn't, but he felt under so much pressure from you and your mum that he felt he had no choice. The fact that your mother paid for it and put pressure on you to go is irrelevant. She should have asked you both first and not booked it until you had both willingly agreed.

He should always come first now. I think you need to separate yourself from your mother emotionally and fast. Don't let her interfere. Controlling interfering mothers have caused many divorces.

You may need to limit contact with her, and PLEASE stop telling her all your personal problems between your husband and yourself.
What was she doing ringing his parents up and asking what was going on? It was none of her affair and was between you and him. I couldnt believe that she did that.
I think you need to apologise to him for allowing your mother to interfere, and that in future you wont allow it. God is very wise when He says that we must leave our parents and cleave to our spouse.

Shouting at a man will never work, it makes them close down emotionally, and is probably partly why he started going out so much. Most men hate confrontation. Start treating him with respect, making home a nice inviting and calm place to be, mother in law free, and see what happens.

Maybe try writing him a letter, stating all the things that you know need changing, and see what he says.

Last edited by chosen; 7th August 2013 at 05:25 AM.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th August 2013, 07:45 AM   #4
Puglove
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Husband has left!

He agreed to the holiday to start with then suddenly decided two weeks before hand he didn't want to.
You are right about my mother though! I also have been texting/phoning him and I know I shouldn't I just find it so difficult!! I keep trying to rush this as is he! He is trying to rush through the divorce process but equally I want him back, now!!!! And I know that won't happen.
X
  Reply With Quote
Old 7th August 2013, 07:53 AM   #5
Puglove
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Husband has left!

I've told him how I've changed etc but he just says he "hasn't got it in him to start again and end up the same way"
  Reply With Quote
Old 7th August 2013, 09:10 AM   #6
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Husband has left!

Puglove I dont know where you live, but in the UK no one can divorce another unless they agree and sign the papers. Otherwise they have to wait 5 years.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th August 2013, 10:25 AM   #7
Puglove
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Husband has left!

I live in the uk and I did not know that! At the beginning he seemed really angry at me but now he just seems so upset by it all! I actually feel for him as I think he is depressed and struggling to deal with the seriousness of what he has done! He doesn't really want to do this and he wants to believe me when I say we will get through it but he can't!His mum has informed me he is so down at their house, running to his room, not talking about it. I just want things to be ok but don't know what to do x
  Reply With Quote
Old 7th August 2013, 01:14 PM   #8
toellandback
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 228
Re: Husband has left!

Hi there.
Sorry to hear your in the same place I am. If you have a look at my thread our situation is similar. It became apparent yesterday that my wife actually is worrying about us and not , as seemed apparent , just moving on.
I've felt the despair of losing everything, my hand shakes as I write this. But its clear your husband is suffering , as I belive everyone does in these awful situations.
I'm being looked after by my daughter, I'm able to now be more concerned about me whilst presenting a more positive image if me as a person. It's clear its making her see that she might have to reevaluate what she wants. At this time my wife and I are at radio silence. Chosen is correct , give space , look after yourself. Try to be strong and positive toward your husband. I love my wife dearly and until I know for certain she is gone forever, I will fight for us , even if my wife doesn't want me to.
I have a feeling from your words that you will be ok. And your husband WILL return.
__________________
Barry
toellandback is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th August 2013, 01:24 PM   #9
Puglove
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Husband has left!

Thank you it's such an awful situation that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I always thought if a man left me I would be strong and " if he wants to leave he wants to leave!"
I was wrong!!

I have since realised that my grief after losing dad turned me into an angry bitter person. I was petrified of my husband dying or getting hurt so almost acted like his mother!! Worrying about him. My overbearing began to suffocate him so he started going out more to get away from me and my reaction was anger! 6months after losing dad I suddenly lost my great aunt (who was more like a 2nd gran to me,) we visited her in the same hospice as dad, she passed away in the same room!
I felt that I should push everyone away so I couldn't be hurt again!

I do feel he felt I was too much to handle and the lovely girl he married was gone forever!
  Reply With Quote
Old 7th August 2013, 01:32 PM   #10
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Husband has left!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Puglove View Post
I live in the uk and I did not know that! At the beginning he seemed really angry at me but now he just seems so upset by it all! I actually feel for him as I think he is depressed and struggling to deal with the seriousness of what he has done! He doesn't really want to do this and he wants to believe me when I say we will get through it but he can't!His mum has informed me he is so down at their house, running to his room, not talking about it. I just want things to be ok but don't know what to do x
Someone I know was trying to divorce her husband, but he just refused to sign anything. If he has started the divorce then just refuse to sign anything and just say that you don't agree with the divorce. He will have to wait till he has been away from you for five years to divorce you without your consent. That's unless it has changed in the last few years.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th August 2013, 01:43 PM   #11
Puglove
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Husband has left!

Thank you. He hasn't started anything yet. I spoke to a solicitor purely for legal advice but he hasn't.
  Reply With Quote
Old 7th August 2013, 11:48 PM   #12
Puglove
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Husband has left!

I have been informed he spoke to his parents (finally as he wasn't speaking to anyone!) saying he is worried that if he comes back things will go bad again and he will have to leave again!
  Reply With Quote
Old 8th August 2013, 01:19 AM   #13
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Husband has left!

OK so he has been thinking about it at least. Why not write and tell him the changes that you are wanting to make, re your mum being controlling and the anger issues, and ask if you can talk about it and work on it together.
Apologise for not putting him before your mum and for acting so badly before.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th August 2013, 07:43 AM   #14
Puglove
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Husband has left!

I have done just that! He is coming over to stay at our house tomorrow for a week (my mum is away so I'm going to hers.) I am hoping time and space in our own home will make him seriously think! He has said "I will just be sorting out my stuff!" But I've had 6 weeks in this house on my own to think, he's been at his parent! Plus he is having one of our dogs (his favourite) for the week.
  Reply With Quote
Old 9th August 2013, 12:09 PM   #15
Puglove
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Husband has left!

I going to my mums tonight. She is away for a week. He is staying in the house with one of our dogs. I just hope the space will help x
  Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
advice, divorce, husband problems

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 04:29 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright 1999-2019 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer