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Old 26th January 2013, 02:47 PM   #1
doublezero
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1
Angry Anxious and need advice

I am in a 10 year relationship. We have always been good together and have 2 kids (6 and 1) and have bought a house together.

About 5 years ago, my partners mum passed away. She went through horrible anxiety and depression. She was really nasty for a long time and refused to get help. I stuck by her and saw her through it, till she was ready to see the doctor. I knew it wasn't her, she wasn't as horrible as she was being. I knew once she got help she would be back to the person I loved.

Now the shoe is on the other foot and it's me with the anxiety and depression. About October/November 2012 I was having a lot of trouble at work (bullying boss), we were told there were going to be redundancies. I starting getting ill, but didn't know. At the same time, my other half decided she would go from being home all the time, to wanting to be out every Wednesday and Friday night. She would stay out to the small hours of the morning, and be so tired on the Thursday and Sunday, she may as well have not been there.

Her dad then got taken into hospital. He friends was on the way home from the hospital. So, she went round there after the hospital each night. From that point it became 4-5 nights per week. And yes, I started to get suspicious.

I had always trusted her 100%, until all this started. My mum started putting doubts in my head at the same time - asking me if I knew what she was actually upto. A doubt I had never had before then.

I started trying to ask her to stay in more, and stop staying round her mates every weekend (when they went to pub). I started checking her phone etc as it went on for so long - I know it was wrong, but I had doubts in my head and she had changed completely.

I know she wasn't cheating and just wanted to have fun, I do trust her mates, I've known them for years and they are always with her when she is out. But after 10 years, it was a big change for me to accept.

Unfortunately, I tried laying down the law, saying I wanted her in for more nights than shes out and asking her to only stay out every other weekend. After all we do have two small kids and I didn't think it was fair for me to have to sort them out every night after a long day at work.

So, she started to do the opposite, was going out 4-6 nights a week and staying out every Friday night, I know she was picking up her brother, shopping etc on some of those nights, but she still wasn't home with me.

I kept asking her to sort it - but she refused. I said some horrible things, like she was never happy no matter what I gave or did for her.

After Christmas I went back to work and got told there was now the money to start the project I had been working on for last 18 months. This gave me new hope, that this would save me from loosing my job in the redundancies.

Then she decided to call things off. So I asked for a 2 week trial. Where I would prove to her I wouldn't worry about what she was up to and we would just get on with things. But I don't think she had any intention of trying. She was home for 1 of the nights in the two weeks !!!!! I didn't hassle her, got on with my own thing.

As I did my own thing, I was so surprised when at the end of the two weeks she decided she wanted to call thing off completely. So, I moved into a friends house. Not nice, sleeping on a mattress on the floor. I had a breakdown at work, I couldn't stop crying and couldn't see that I had any future. I missed my children so much, but I could only see them at the weekend now, due to work.

I went to the doctors and they said I have really high levels of Anxiety and Depression. The Depression I can understand, I'm missing my family so much.

Looking back, the Anxiety explains a lot about the way I behaved. A lot of things I said we caused by the same thing. I had never acted like that in the 10 years we were together.

I started to explain to her that the things I said and did were becuase I was ill, like she was when her mum died. But while I was prepared to put up with it, she just wanted me to move out !!!!!

I've been trying to get her to understand that if I wasn't ill, I wouldn't have behaved or thought like that. And she is refusing to see it.

I put up with it for months. It seems so unjust that she can't see why I behaved the way I did coz she was changing and I was ill.

Does anyone think she will come round, given time, now I have identified they key issue causing our breakup? Or am I wasting my time on her.
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Old 26th January 2013, 09:57 PM   #2
Forever
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,408
Re: Anxious and need advice

Why shouldn't you have worried about what she may have been up to? A wife with two children galavanting out nearly every night and leaving everything at home for you to handle does raise big fat red flags! No wonder you were under such anxiety and depressed. Do not try to justify what she is/was doing...she would not have put up with that from you were the tables turned would she?

Wasting your time on her? Only you can answer that one...what is she offering you now that enriches your life or the lives of the children? If you can answer that to the affirmative, then you might want to see this through one way or the other.
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Old 27th January 2013, 11:35 AM   #3
chosen
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Anxious and need advice

I agree with forever, she was acting like a single teenager and not someone in a relationship with two children. Going out socialising alone without your partners is a bad idea, and while you say you trust her, she is not acting as if you CAN trust her.
It takes two to make a relationship work, and at this time she doesnt seem to want to try. I feel so very sad for the children, who she is hurting so much.Spend as much time as you can wiht them and be the best father you can is my advise, for the time being.
She may grow up at some point, and realise how selfish she is being but its hard to say..
How is she managing to go out every night now that she doesnt have you there to look after the children?Poor kids.
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