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Old 28th January 2012, 02:17 AM   #1
mrsc
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Can't get over my affair

Hi all - this is the first time I have EVER spoken to strangers over the internet so go easy on me! I have been married for five years, and three years ago I started an affair with an ex-boyfriend (E) who I had not seen for ten years. We fell instantly in love and remain so. We did not have sex but lots of kissing and hand holding. This went on for around two months and involved just four meetings. It ended because I knew it was wrong and selfish to potentially break up two families and upset six children. I think about him ALL the time, miss him, cry about him, can't get over it. My husband and I have since had another baby but even that has not stopped me thinking about him constantly. I have seen him occasionally and there has been the odd text (we have lots of mutual friends) where he says he is facing the same challenge. My husband was fully aware of the affair - I told him all about it - and he knows I continue to struggle with my feelings. I don't see any end to this and it frightens me to think I will be living with this melancholy for the rest of my days. I thought I would be over it by now. I have tried zero contact (18 months) and occasional contact (one or two texts a year, about something innocuous) but it makes no difference I just adore him. All advice incredibly gratefully received. Thanks in advance.
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Old 28th January 2012, 06:48 AM   #2
1aokgal
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Re: Can't get over my affair

Dear MRSC,

You are in love with the fantasy and not with a real day to day love. The daily life in your marriage might be about diapers, making dinner and having sex fit around the needs and schedules of your children. I can understand it might be really sweet to see someone when there are no other complications that come with living day to day.

You don't deal with the dirtys sock he slings under the chair, or that he snorts when he sleeps, or forgets your BD, like the man you married who fills in all the things for you since he is there. Maybe your husband cooks sometimes, helps you with the kids, and tells you that you look nice, even in your jeans and T-shirts. That is a love that survives real issues.

My husband was there for me when I was in the emergency room with a problem. He was there when I went into the hospital years back. He came early AM, before work, to tell me I would soon be OK. That is a real love! That is not a dream lover. A fantasy man doesn't hang around when there is sickness. A boyfriend isn't responsible to work longer hours to see your physical needs and the childrens', are met. Since you don't live with this man, you don't see the flaws in him, one sees from the day to day.

Here is one thing you DO know about this man. He deceives his wife whenever he saw YOU! He spent time in amorous embraces with YOU, instead of with the mother of his three children. He exposed her to hear gossip and to be seriously hurt if someone said they had seen you together. He put his family last, and his own selfish desires first. That doesn't say a lot for his integrity.

How would you feel if you were the wife, with a husband who spent time with another, by email and with the zesty meetings? How would you feel in that womans' place? Suppose he tells you he is "so much in love with the OW he is confused?" Is there enough empathy in you to put yourself into that wifes' position? She has my deep sympathy.

Do you feel you are a better woman, than his wife, as more attractive, smarter, since he spent time with you? Is that about making yourself feel better? I really think you have to strip off the fantasy and get down to the real marrow here. This is SO wrong and should never have been.

You knew exactly what you were about, to see the man alone somewhere. No one can say you just went along without taking responsibility for your actions. What do you think you see in this man, you don't have in your own life?

If your marriage has problems..it is likely because there are three young children and that can crowd in a lot of living for the children, and not getting some of your own needs met. A mother wants the best for her children. Do you think it was best to bring conflict into your home?

I wonder how your husband feels when he looks at you? He must feel all his loyalty got him a woman who plays games with all your lives!

You need some serious work on yourself. A woman sets the tone in her home and she brings in spirituality to nurture her husband and children, so that home is a place of peace and happiness. You may not realize it, but you may have lost everything, for an infatuation like a teenager.

If your marriage is not all you want it to be, see if you can make changes to make things better. I think you owe your husband an apology and for you to be a woman he can trust. He has to know you are a woman of virtue who took martial vows, and means to keep that promise.

You sound very young to think you can so casually say you, "told your husband everything about your love" and he is OK with that! I wonder how you could destroy the love and loyalty he has shown you by making him feel he comes second with you? You say you might live with melancholy for the rest of your days about this man. If your husband is like most men, with a straying wife, they tell you to hit the road. You really will be melancholy as you get to visit your kids a few days a month, as in other split marriages.

I am a fan of statistical data, and the sociological statistics say that women forgive an unfaithful husband, but most men will not accept a wife who strays. That marriage will usually end. That shows that men are far less forgiving, with pride that means they won't accept infidelity in the their woman.

I am curious why your BF blew it the first tme? You were with him when you were younger, yet you married someone else. If that was a great love, why didn't it work out then?

Maybe that man wasn't willing to do the things a real man will do for the woman he loves? You were with him sexually before, but you say there has been no sex since? That seems unlikely, as you know about each other intimately, right?

Now you are only married 5 years. Are all the children born of this marriage? I wonder how you had time to play on the internet with the young kids at home. You are the homemaker, likely, as you have time to do that while he works. So the last three years you have been having this affair while you are at home, while your husband works to care for all of you.
No wonder the internet is blamed for 50% of todays' divorces!

It would really come as a big surprise to you if he says he can no longer stay married to a woman who has put another man before him. Wake up before it is too late!
Nobody said any marriage doesn't get tough at times but it is for you make a home that will nurture your children to lead good lives. You must be an example of a woman who knows what is important in life. I hope you think out the issues here and come to peace to make your home a happy place. Make that decision to be a righteous and virtuous woman.

You came here to be able to get some FB and think out the issues. I have been hard on you. Maybe moreso, because you have put your whole marriage in jeopardy by your actions. I hope you can do damage control there! Otherwise you put everything on the line for an infatuation.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 28th January 2012 at 08:01 AM.
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Old 28th January 2012, 07:28 AM   #3
chosen
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Re: Can't get over my affair

Hi mrsc
1aogkal has put it well.
I will add that you can control who and what you think about, you really can, with self discipline and self control. Every time that you think of this man, stop the thoughts in their tracks, and think instead of your amazing patient and long suffering husband. Think of his poor wife who has a husband who desires another women(or thinks he does). Think of what you have, a good man, three lovely children, be thankful for what you DO have and not fantasise about what you DONT have, and never will, unless you destroy 2 marriages and all thse innocent children's lives.
You cant have him, so why torture yourself? Take your focus off the things that arent yours and that you can not have, and put 100% effort into the marriage and family and be the BEST wife and mother that you can be. If you keep feeding these fantasises they will never go away, if you starve them they will eventually die. The choice is yours.
I am amazed that your husband is still there to be honest. I would be devastated if I thought that my husband was with me but lusting after and desiring another lady. He must be very patient, long suffering and love you a lot. You chose to marry him, you made promises to him, so keep them and cut off ALL contact with this man for good. This is not real life, and is the reason why any contact with ex's once you are married is potentially disastrous.

I would have no respect at all for a man who had acted like this, cheating in so many ways and lying to his wife. I would have no interest in a man who woud risk hurting his children so badly. If he has done it to his wife, he can do it to you, and probably would. Stop this selfish behaviour and put all of your energies and thoughts where they should be, into your own family and not into another ladies husband.
As 1aokgl says, this is an infatuation, leave it in the past, leave him in the past, and be thankful that you never married a man who lies, decieves and cheats.
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Old 28th January 2012, 08:31 AM   #4
Raymond
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Re: Can't get over my affair

Very good advice from 1okgal and Chosen.

You must count this as forbidden territory mrsc. I know you are having difficulty but you must keep on until it dies and it has to die if you want to do the right thing and honour your family and his.

It is always dangerous to see those we have had sex with in our youth. Sometimes a wrong soul tie has been made which needs to be broken. I know you have tried to break this and I commend you for it. I have seen these broken through prayer in christian circles but it did take an acknowledgment of the wrong first.
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Old 28th January 2012, 09:29 AM   #5
mrsc
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Re: Can't get over my affair

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. Some excellent points made there, but I would like to redress a few innaccuracies, just so that you have the full picture:

Regarding his wife, she has my deep sympathy also. He had another affair for over two years which ended shortly before our meetings in 2009. I do not and would not trust him and I do not want to be with him for these and many, many other reasons. Unfortunately these truths are not enough to stop my infatuation. I have no intention of engineering some sort of future with him, although i completely agree that I may have jeopardised my own situation.

"Do you feel you are a better woman, than his wife, as more attractive, smarter, since he spent time with you? Is that about making yourself feel better?" No - I know her to be a dedicated homemaker and mother, I was at their wedding, and she is also a personal friend. I have the greatest respect for her, which is one of the other reasons the affair ended so quickly because I knew neither her nor my husband were deserving of the consequences.

"What do you think you see in this man, you don't have in your own life?" - he is ambitious, arrogant, good looking, sporty, successful. Yep all the cliches there. My husband is kind, homely, contented.

"Do you think it was best to bring conflict into your home?" Well of course not, which, again is why I ended it. The children's needs, not mine, must be paramount.

"I wonder how your husband feels when he looks at you? He must feel all his loyalty got him a woman who plays games with all your lives!" You have no reason to assume that, with respect. We have spent many long hours at Relate, and have discussed the situation into the wee small hours. I know he feels that stuff happens to people, that I am not a bad person, and that we need to work and continue to work together to get over it. He admires my honesty, and has seen how much we have both suffered because of the affair.

"A woman sets the tone in her home and she brings in spirituality to nurture her husband and children, so that home is a place of peace and happiness." Hmm sorry that doesn't sound like us!

"You may not realize it, but you may have lost everything, for an infatuation like a teenager." I don't see how, as we are still together.

"I think you owe your husband an apology and for you to be a woman he can trust" I have apologised more times than I can remember. he trusts me because I have been brutally frank about every meeting/text/feeling.

"You sound very young" Actually I am 46.

"If your husband is like most men, with a straying wife, they tell you to hit the road. You really will be melancholy as you get to visit your kids a few days a month, as in other split marriages." Again, an assumption.

"they won't accept infidelity in the their woman" I am not 'his' woman. I feel this is an archaic view and more than somewhat sexist, again, with respect. I am an individual,committed to my relationship with my husband, and quicjkly came to a realisation that I must act on what I feel to be right.

"I am curious why your BF blew it the first tme? You were with him when you were younger, yet you married someone else. If that was a great love, why didn't it work out then?" It was just a few dates as part of a larger circle of friends. We lived 150 miles apart so that didn't help.

"You were with him sexually before" I have never had any sort of sex with him. Then or since.

"Are all the children born of this marriage?" I have an eleven year old from a previous relationshiop and the baby from this marrige.

"I wonder how you had time to play on the internet with the young kids at home" We never communicated via the internet.

"You are the homemaker, likely, as you have time to do that while he works." I have three businesses and a job which sometimes takes me away from home.

"So the last three years you have been having this affair while you are at home, while your husband works to care for all of you" Not accurate I'm afraid. There have been no clandestine meetings with E since summer 2009, and my husband and I are equal partners.

"No wonder the internet is blamed for 50% of todays' divorces!" The internet played no part in my affair.

" it is for you make a home that will nurture your children to lead good lives" It is for both partners to do that.

"You must be an example of a woman who knows what is important in life"
I believe I am - its the infatuation I can't get over in my head.

Othert than that, thank you for your courtesy in taking the tinme to reply
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Old 28th January 2012, 09:39 AM   #6
mrsc
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Re: Can't get over my affair

"If you keep feeding these fantasises they will never go away, if you starve them they will eventually die."

Yes I think I need to go back to zero contact, but its difficult as we have lots of mutual friends so unless one of us dies that won't be happening! We ourselves have been friends for nearly thirty years. I should have said that the meetings we have had since 2009 were at parties or dinners thrown by these other friends, there has been no ongoing affair in any physical sense.

I an fully cogniscent of how amazing my husband has been through all of this. I was just looking for some help on how to stop loving this other man. you are all right about the fantasy aspect of it. I am just keeping my fingers crossed that time will heal I suppose, that's the best I can hope for. Ugh.
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Old 28th January 2012, 10:17 AM   #7
Sillyman
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Re: Can't get over my affair

Mrsc,

Do you think 'scratching the itch' might work? Just an idea.

SM
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Old 28th January 2012, 10:25 AM   #8
chosen
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Re: Can't get over my affair

mrsc

You seem to have done all the right things here to get your marriage back on track. I dont think it is just seeing him that is dangerous, but thinking about him and allowing those thoughts to wander and wonder. He is man with no moral values, who lies to his wifeand decieves her and cheats on her. You do have to wonder why she puts up with him(Does she know about the two of you?).
Discontentment is so dangerous for a marriage. Its not disimilar to reading loads of romance novels and fastasizing about the men in them. Get those thoughts away from this man and back onto your husband. Write down all the good things about your husband that made you fall in love with him not so long ago. Thoughts can be dealt with, we are not powerless over all the thoughts that come into our mind. We can pull them down and starve the fantasies like a fire. Dont feed the fire and it will go out, feed it and it will get hotter and hotter.
I doubt that you do love the other man, he just seems to tempt you(and probably other women) because he appears bad and exciting. I have no idea why ladies like men like this, arrogance in a man makes me cringe, I hate it, and they only bring heartache and pain.
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Old 28th January 2012, 10:25 AM   #9
chosen
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Re: Can't get over my affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sillyman View Post
Mrsc,

Do you think 'scratching the itch' might work? Just an idea.

SM
sm what do you mean by this?
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Old 28th January 2012, 10:25 AM   #10
mrsc
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Re: Can't get over my affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sillyman View Post
Mrsc,

Do you think 'scratching the itch' might work? Just an idea.

SM
Hi SM

Yes that had occurred to me. In times of utter desperation I would have given my left big toe to see him just to stop the pain. I have no doubt it is quite possible that if we rekindled our affair, I would get bored, see him for what he is, and get over him.

However, the terrifying and very real prospect that I might just as easily get myself even more embroiled emotionally, together with the absolute truth that it would be utterly disrespectful to my husband, his wife, and our joint six kids is more than enough to stop that ever happening.

So thanks but I'll give that one a miss! Too risky and the guilt would overwhelm me even more than it does already.
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Old 28th January 2012, 10:26 AM   #11
mrsc
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Re: Can't get over my affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
sm what do you mean by this?
I assumed SM meant giving in to it? At least i think that's it!
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Old 28th January 2012, 10:30 AM   #12
Sillyman
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Re: Can't get over my affair

Mrsc,

You're a very strong person. I wouldn't advocate it - I know the damage it causes from bitter experience.

SM
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Old 28th January 2012, 10:30 AM   #13
mrsc
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Re: Can't get over my affair

Hi Chosen - thanks for that:

"He is man with no moral values, who lies to his wifeand decieves her and cheats on her." Yup.

"Does she know about the two of you" Nope. Nor about his other two year, fully sexual affair.

"Write down all the good things about your husband that made you fall in love with him not so long ago." The thing is, I love my husband now much niore than when we first got together, as I have come to know him better. Its only been five years!

"Thoughts can be dealt with, we are not powerless over all the thoughts that come into our mind. We can pull them down and starve the fantasies like a fire. Dont feed the fire and it will go out, feed it and it will get hotter and hotter." Like that - positive, hopeful. I am banking on that strategy.

Thanks again Chosen!
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Old 28th January 2012, 10:33 AM   #14
mrsc
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Re: Can't get over my affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sillyman View Post
Mrsc,

You're a very strong person. I wouldn't advocate it - I know the damage it causes from bitter experience.

SM
Thanks SM I appreciate that. Yes I am strong willed. I am fiercely logical, and quite good at making my head rule my heart when it comes to actions, but the thoughts are what I am struggling with still. This is helping tremendously though. Just writing down how I feel is most cathartic.
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Old 28th January 2012, 10:37 AM   #15
mrsc
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Re: Can't get over my affair

"I have no idea why ladies like men like this, arrogance in a man makes me cringe, I hate it, and they only bring heartache and pain. " said Chosen.

Its bonkers it really is. So common. I can only think we are inexorably drawn to Alpha males because of some inate desire to be with a 'strong' partner. Can't think why else. I believe its a very deep seated need on the part of those women, like me, who are drawn to it. Power is an aphrodisiac and all that. Interesting.
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