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Old 7th July 2014, 03:22 PM   #1
PaleGhost
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girlfriend & mother of my child cheated, about to forgive her but idk if I should

Ok to start off, I've already done research on all this and I know how my feelings stand. I'll start off at the very beginning. We were 16 when we started dating, and I kinda stole her from my best friend, but he was treating her badly and I talked to him about it after they had broken up. We were together for 5 years after that, we had a kid together and wanted to move in together. I had a full time job and she hadn't had one since before our son was born and its hard to afford a good place on a single salary at 20. I tried helping her get a job, helped her look and get applications. After one trip in particular I found she had been hiding the applications and hadn't filled a single one out. So I told her if she didn't want to grow up and help support our family, then she could keep living with her parents and I'll just break it off. Went snag put myself in for child support and everything. 7 months later she found a job and I was starting to get back together with her, she had been going to a bar with this new girlfriend of hers. She liked the loud music and dancing, which I could understand considering how much Just Dance she would play. I can't stand bars, because stupid drunk people, so I only went with her one for ten minutes. Anyways, so about 2 months after we got back together officially. She was out with this friend and her husband, got drunk and went to go take her home but for some reason he dropped his wife off first and took her home and made advances. Fast forward 2 years later we have our own place for over a year and thingS are going great, but being a guy I randomly kept tabs on her Facebook messaging and what not. March of this year I found intimate messages to this guy. I confronted her about it for 2 months until she told me it was a one time thing 2 years ago and he was trying again. I told her I couldn't believe it was just that and stopped talking to her. The next day she tells me that was how it started but she met up with him and fked 3 times sober over 5 months until he moved out of state. And as I questioned it I found out that they had been talking intimately the entire time after he moved over Facebook, she didn't see him again and the only time he came to town she couldn't get away. I think now that I know everything I could forgive her because I want us to be a family and I love her. But my topic is should I forgive this affair, she says she is sorry and will never do it again after seeing how much she hurt me. She cut off all contact right away when she first got caught. She has been taking steps to learning what she needs to do in order to make this right. But her reason still haunts me "I cheated because I can't say no and wanted to be liked." Sorry for the book but I felt you needed to heart the whole thing in order to form a just decision.
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Old 7th July 2014, 07:42 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: girlfriend & mother of my child cheated, about to forgive her but idk if I should

Really it is your decision. There is a place for repentance and forgiveness. She sounds like she has really repented and is sorry but it bothers me that she cannot say no because she wants to be liked. My thought is to forgive her because of the repentance but lay down if it happens again that is it. She needs that shock I think. It will take time for the trust to build up again but if she is genuine the marriage can be restored. I recommend getting her to read the "Boundary" book by Townsend & Cloud if she has trouble with people pleasing. Sounds like she needs to mature a little.

What you can't do is not forgive her and carry on with the marriage, otherwise it won't work.
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Old 8th July 2014, 02:48 AM   #3
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Re: girlfriend & mother of my child cheated, about to forgive her but idk if I should

Thank you. I have already made up my mind on it and looked up advice to help me get though it. I really just wanted someone to say whether I was being stupid about it or not. She has been working really hard to show me she wants to fix this, but doesn't understand how to grow up and mature. I loved the innocence about her, not her being childish and immature. And now that that innocence is gone its gonna be a huge hurdle for both of us.
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Old 8th July 2014, 08:46 AM   #4
Raymond
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Re: girlfriend & mother of my child cheated, about to forgive her but idk if I should

Forgiveness where there is repentance is not a bad thing and you are not stupid to extend this to your wife. Indeed it would be difficult to continue the marriage without it. We all need second chances at times. Forgiveness does not condone what has happened but extends the hand of mercy where someone has messed up and are sorry about it. Hopefully she has learned her lesson and will mature.
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Old 8th July 2014, 04:53 PM   #5
chosen
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Re: girlfriend & mother of my child cheated, about to forgive her but idk if I should

If you are both 100% committed to making it work there is hope. For the childs sake its worth trying. Maybe you need to tell her that this is her last chance so she knows that she must never let it happen again. No one can say if she will cheat again, so you will need to decide if its worth risking.

I feel for the OM's poor wife.

Another good book is called 'Boundaries' by George K Simon.
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Old 9th July 2014, 01:18 AM   #6
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Re: girlfriend & mother of my child cheated, about to forgive her but idk if I should

She is in complete denial.
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Old 9th July 2014, 08:25 AM   #7
Raymond
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Re: girlfriend & mother of my child cheated, about to forgive her but idk if I should

What do you mean? I thought you said she was sorry.
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Old 9th July 2014, 12:06 PM   #8
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Re: girlfriend & mother of my child cheated, about to forgive her but idk if I should

They said they felt sorry for the other man's wife, who is in complete denial after I told her and sent her the 3 months of messages.
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Old 9th July 2014, 08:44 PM   #9
Raymond
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Re: girlfriend & mother of my child cheated, about to forgive her but idk if I should

You mean the man and your wife felt sorry for his wife and broke it off?

Are you saying your wife is not sorry now?

Sorry I have been swimming up and down and feel a bit whoozy just now.
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Old 9th July 2014, 10:10 PM   #10
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Re: girlfriend & mother of my child cheated, about to forgive her but idk if I should

Quote:
Originally Posted by PaleGhost View Post
They said they felt sorry for the other man's wife, who is in complete denial after I told her and sent her the 3 months of messages.
Poor poor lady.
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Old 10th July 2014, 06:01 AM   #11
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Re: girlfriend & mother of my child cheated, about to forgive her but idk if I should

Chosen was the one feeling sorry. I've been working really hard with my wife about having to be completely and totally honest with me all the time. She has been taking steps towards maturity (baby steps) while I still have issues with what she is saying because it doesn't make sense to me. I always knew to look out for her because I knew she wasn't strong enough that if a guy started toying with her she wouldn't be able to stop him. But I always thought I would have to deal with a one time thing that she cries about, you know a real mistake. But with a physical affair to an online affair, it really sends you through the grinder because you can never know what went on during those online affairs. I found out there is an "I can't say no affair" that fits her almost to the T, but I can't find any stories or advice about working through this type of affair. All I really got out of it was put her in counseling for sexual addiction. And that's near impossible to find anything that doesn't talk about celebrities. And I had this messed up thought. If she was a sex addict, and she has only been with me sexually before the affair, what does that say about me
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Old 10th July 2014, 09:50 AM   #12
chosen
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Re: girlfriend & mother of my child cheated, about to forgive her but idk if I should

Quote:
Originally Posted by PaleGhost View Post
Chosen was the one feeling sorry. I've been working really hard with my wife about having to be completely and totally honest with me all the time. She has been taking steps towards maturity (baby steps) while I still have issues with what she is saying because it doesn't make sense to me. I always knew to look out for her because I knew she wasn't strong enough that if a guy started toying with her she wouldn't be able to stop him. But I always thought I would have to deal with a one time thing that she cries about, you know a real mistake. But with a physical affair to an online affair, it really sends you through the grinder because you can never know what went on during those online affairs. I found out there is an "I can't say no affair" that fits her almost to the T, but I can't find any stories or advice about working through this type of affair. All I really got out of it was put her in counseling for sexual addiction. And that's near impossible to find anything that doesn't talk about celebrities. And I had this messed up thought. If she was a sex addict, and she has only been with me sexually before the affair, what does that say about me
People dont usually have affairs because they are sex addicts, and also we can all say no to wrong choices and desires. Of course she can stop herself from cheating, and if she cant then you will have to deal with this many more times. There are far too many people making excuses for wrong behavior and calling their sin a 'condition' of some sort. Its nonsense to be honest.
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Old 10th July 2014, 06:47 PM   #13
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Re: girlfriend & mother of my child cheated, about to forgive her but idk if I should

If she is sorry and you have forgiven her, that is one thing. If you are saying that she cannot help herself because she has a condition then really she is not capable of being married. Faithfulness is absolutely essential in marriage. One might find the strength to forgive a slip but a habit is something else. Have I got it right?
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Old 14th July 2014, 06:13 AM   #14
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Re: girlfriend & mother of my child cheated, about to forgive her but idk if I should

Well, cheating 2/2 serious relationships could be considered a habit. She finally broke down and realized how bad the affair truly was. And the sex addict thing us from my own research about the details of the affair. Air how she acted about it. She says it was only sex and with her minimizing it, it seems to add up. I stint know of I can't post links here, but if you google "I can't say no" affair you will see what I found. I had her take 3 different sex addict tests and all of them said she was in the beginning stages. Probably because she never had many opportunities.
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Old 14th July 2014, 06:35 AM   #15
chosen
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Re: girlfriend & mother of my child cheated, about to forgive her but idk if I should

Well unless she will make a decision to never cheat again and set clear boundaries that you can both agree to as to her behavior with other men, I cant see much hope. There is no such thing as 'cant say no'. We all have free will to make our own choices, for good or bad. THere is no excuse.
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