Is my marriage over ? - 2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums

toellandback · 5th August 2013, 08:54 AM

Hi everyone.
My wife has left to go and stay with her family. We have been married three years. I am aware from talking to her that there is no one else. Mostly , this leaving was prompted by a huge family row where my adult son behaved terribly. She says she loves me , missesme etc but needs to find herself.
I've tried all I can , usual sad crawling !! We did attend councilling once but she refuses to go anymore. All I hear now is she can't do it anymore. I want to give her space , but as we are apart, fear losing any chance of reconciliation.
Thoughts please .

chosen · 5th August 2013, 10:16 AM

HI Barry
How very sad.
Have you both had previous marriages? Have you both got children?
Has she told you why she cant take it any more or what is making her leave? There must be more to it than a row with your son.

I think this statement of needing to find yourself is an excuse. She just needs to look in the mirror and she will see herself! I don't agree with separation unless there is abuse or cheating as I don't think it solves anything. Do you think she is wanting out of the marriage?

toellandback · 5th August 2013, 10:43 AM

Hiya Chosen , thanks for your reply. Briefly , we are both in our second marriage. My wife has three adult boys and I have three adult girls and one son. Two of my wifes sons live with us and over the three years we have fostered most of them at some point lol. But there have been many arguments over family , this one does not like this one etc etc.
The two living with us treat us as hoteliers , which causes rows all the time. My son , he lashed out out my wife after she hit him during a family bbq that turned silly. Handbags really , just slaps. Gets better, during the row I slipped on a path and broke my ankle ruining our plans to go abroad, our only holiday of the year. Kinda disaster after disaster. I am in shock and I guess my wife is. We were the happiest we have been for such a long time when all this happened. Now nothing. Im shattered mentally and physically.
Anyone reading this must think we are mad lol , but we are hard working , loving ppl. My wife is generous and wonderfully attractive when she smiles. She can be volatile but I love all her traits.
Just came here looking for some advice from others who may have got the , I love u , miss u messages. But ultimately been told , its over

toellandback · 5th August 2013, 05:16 PM

Best I say that there has been no abuse or cheating. I think we have both been struggling with confidence recently. This in turn has led to rejection on both sides. We , I , tend to want the close moments over quickly , almost as if I already feel I failed to satisfy her emotional and physical needs before I've even started.
I was trying to peice together what happened at the BBQ. When I learned my wife hit my son first , I told her she shouldn't have done that. To her it was blame. I never meant that. After she walked out she came back to sort things out. So she said. My son was at the house , I was talking to him. Trying to understand why he had lost control. It looked cosy to my wife, she thinks I put him first. After this she visited again to sort things out. But we both were so defensive it ended with more shouting. And so , here I am , totally at a loss.

Raymond · 5th August 2013, 09:43 PM

It is unwise to get the close moments over quickly. Your wife might need these times. Intimacy is very important in marriage. I would find out her love language and practice it for a start. It could be Words of Affirmation, Touch, Quality Time, Gifts or Act of Services. One of those will be her special love language that you need to learn. This is so you can love her in the way she needs to be loved. It can be learned where there is a will. You need to open up a little emotionally it seems.

toellandback · 5th August 2013, 10:18 PM

I've opened up , this whole episode has shocked me enough to really talk to her. To be more thoughtful and to try and understand her pain, not just mine.
Seems her wall to me is truely up. I look at the recent events as the reason she left. But I'm not sure its the whole story.
Thanks for the advice. Her language is touch

Raymond · 6th August 2013, 08:39 AM

You seem to be on the right track now tb. The reasons for leaving could well be much deeper as you surmise. It may be a matter of reaching her with your understanding which is another important facet of love. I hope you will be able to work it out with her.

My wife's love language is touch as well which I have had to learn. Just being aware of it and responding has to be a good thing.

toellandback · 6th August 2013, 10:24 AM

I've been honest about the reasons I failed her. I've made changes already over the past year or more. I say sorry a lot , don't walk away after arguments and don't seek to be in charge so to speak.
My wife acknowledged this when we spoke. My concern is how quickly events have moved and the speed at which my wife has seemingly given up everthing. Even the home we shared, our pets. Everything , including me it seems. I wear my ring still but hers is absent. I'm trying now not to contact her, give her time to think and hopefully miss me on a higher level

Raymond · 6th August 2013, 12:46 PM

We need to be looking in the right direction for the problem. Could it be to do with the adult children possibly? A question of boundaries? Not having you own life? I don't know. You need some inkling as to the real reason before you can understand. I think you need to get away and talk together when she is ready. Obviously she is thinking a lot at present. Is she still friendly to you?

You need to put her first before the children as she is your wife. The children will eventually make their own lives. Your good mariage will have a positive affect on them but they have to keep their boundaries. The marriage and her should come first.

toellandback · 6th August 2013, 01:07 PM

Arguments about family , her side, my side is how my wife sees it. My nagging about her sons not contributing enough etc etc .
Fair to say your pretty close with your assumptions.
We are friendly , we have met several times , but always because I beg her to.
I try to listen , understand, reach out but I'm met with a brick wall , although not an unloving wall. I always end up pleading for time , begging her to give us time. Promising the earth. To late is all I hear. Maybe I should just let go Raymond. The days ahead scare me

toellandback · 6th August 2013, 01:09 PM

Also , my wife does come first. Very much so. Everything else will take care of itself

Raymond · 6th August 2013, 06:32 PM

You can't just let go TB. The family must fit around your marriage and you both must keep good boundaries to protect it. If you are one family she must let you be the father over all the family. One rule for all. Not they are yours and they are mine. You shouldn't be nagging her about her children. You should have authority over all in your house. She should help but you must have ultimate control. If hers are not pulling their weight then you must deal with it not nag her as if they are totally her responsibility. I think you are letting the children split you when there should be unity in the family. You must be careful not to be biased towards your own children. Her children will feel it. She must let you discipline her children if need be. So long as it is fair and not biased. If there is disunity in the family then the pressure may just be too overwhelming for her.

toellandback · 7th August 2013, 10:50 AM

Hi again.
I understand and accept that family disharmony is at the root of our collapse. If anything I have allowed myself to become weak and third best in her eyes. I've not attended to her needs because of this.
It's interesting that my wife txt me last night , a little angry because I had not contacted her for 24 hours !! I explained in a short reply that I was giving her space. My wife was sarcastic in reply so I just left it.
Strange !!

Raymond · 7th August 2013, 01:06 PM

You are giving some of your own answers Barry which only you can sort.

It does sound like family disharmony is at the root of your marriage problems. Her respect is very important in the marriage. Most wives will do their best to respect their husbands but there will be a limit when their needs are ignored and when the man of the house is not fulfilling his role.

You have to sort this disharmony aspect and get it right whilst still atending to her needs. I think my last e mail speaks about ground rules but also you need to make sure you are loving your wife and are trying to understand her dificulties. I would fix what you know you can and then tackle the disharmony by being the unbiased father of the household. Not yours and mine - ours, now that you are married to her. You need to discuss this plan with her to get her co-operation as she also has to behave in an unbiased way regarding the children otherwise you will not have unity, that precious commodity in a marriage. All this should have been sorted when you first married of course.

chosen · 7th August 2013, 01:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by toellandback

Hi again.
I understand and accept that family disharmony is at the root of our collapse. If anything I have allowed myself to become weak and third best in her eyes. I've not attended to her needs because of this.
It's interesting that my wife txt me last night , a little angry because I had not contacted her for 24 hours !! I explained in a short reply that I was giving her space. My wife was sarcastic in reply so I just left it.
Strange !!

Maybe not contacting her will make her realise what she may loose.