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Old 8th July 2017, 04:14 PM   #1
Pmsc
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 8
Feeling depressed

I really don't know how to start this thread. As time goes by it feels obvious that I am depressed and the depression feeling gets stronger every time. I've been looking back at my childhood up til now. I have always had this feeling inside me except for the periods of high school where I felt fine and happy go lucky until I moved to London when I was 18.

When I was a few months old, my father committed suicide and left me.i never knew how he died until I was much older. But because of how i reacted I was only told bit by bit over the years. Since he died I have been kidnapped by my father's parents because they wanted me to replace the loss of their son. I have been sexually abused by a neighbor when I was 4 and again when I was 11 by a shop keeper who lured me to his apartment above the shop. I kept that quiet untill I was married and had my children. But the response that I got was that it happened years ago and that I'm a man now and to get over it.

I have always felt out casted and abondoned from activities. Like I wasn't really wanted. When I did find a life that I was happy and carefree with I was made to move to London and struggled to make a life. Even after getting married to my ex wife. Since as far back as I can remember, I had thought of suicide. Before I was 10 I wanted to drink a bottle of bleach. When I was 11 I was standing on top of an electrical house and wanted to jump. And it goes on.

When I met my ex wife I thought my world had changed for the better but throughout the 20 years together I felt like I was struggling to cope. Eventhough I was ambitious and doing everything possible to better my family lifestyle, I always felt I have let them down and it frustrated me and I would feel more depressed. Eventually my ex wife left me for an older guy and stopped me seeing my son, abondoned our daughter and granddaughter. This killed me inside and I attempted suicide twice in that period. I had counseling for a year and thought I had gotten over it.

4 years ago I met my current partner which is also a mess. I felt alive and actually thought I found what was missing in my life. Everyday has been a struggle and although she denies it, there is every evidence and action to show that she has cheated on me at the beginning. I learned to forgive but not forget. At this time i had attempted suicide 3 times. By this point I started to realise that there is something wrong with me. I always seem to feel down and alone. Even when things seem to be going good for me. But even now it feels like I'm fighting a losing battle with everything. Relationships, friends, work and my own health.

What's wrong with me? Why do I always feel like this? People say there is a silver lining. I just have to wait but to be honest I'm nearly 50 and it still hasn't happened. What's the point of feeling like crap. Everything's me something good happens to me, something bad ruins it. I always mess things up and always lose out. Never have a break. Even my last job, I was pushed out and bullied because I was good at my job and 2 individuals thought it was funny to wind me up to the point that I would quit. Now I'm doing a job that I hate and feel resentful and reluctant to do it.

What's wrong with me and why do I always feel like this? I really feel like giving up. What's point if I only ever get hurt?
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