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Old 16th March 2015, 01:23 AM   #1
Summer1996
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Unhappy Is my husband being unreasonable

I've been with my husband for 15yrs.. we have 3 children, over the last 10yrs I've been putting up with his drinking and gambling I've stuck with him even though we lost our house through it .he's made me so depressed that I tried to take my own life which I now so ashamed of but at the time I was so low , basically he don't gamble as much now as his pay isn't as good as his last job but my issue is that he goes out mon fri sat sun night also sat sun day he works non to fri and I work all different shifts which usually means he take the children to the pub with him which I'm not happy about if I get the weekends off work he never makes the effect to have night in with me . Today I've give him yet another alternation after weeks and months of feeling very low and fed up I told him choose family or drink he choose to go out so I've packed his bags he at his mates tonight but he thinks he not doing any thing wrong
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Old 16th March 2015, 07:41 AM   #2
sambrooklands
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Re: Is my husband being unreasonable

Hi Summer.

First of all, I want to say what a strong, loyal, and supportive person you sound.
There are a number of complications here, however it will be possible to sort them. The first thing you need to do is accept that it will take months, maybe years to work through everything, and not days or weeks. First job is to really think If you are prepared and have the energy to do this for the long haul. Let me know your thoughts on this and then talk later maybe.
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Old 16th March 2015, 08:59 AM   #3
Summer1996
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Re: Is my husband being unreasonable

Hi thank you for your kind words, we'll I've had the best night sleep woke up happy for a change so deep down I know it's the best thing to do is carry on with the seperation but I love him so much I don't won't a failed marriage I've lost a lot of confidence over the years that I'm scared to sort things out like with housing and benefits also I'm don't think id be able to carry on working as I won't have anyone to have my children whilst I work unsociable hours and holidays lucky enough I'm off this week so it gives me time to decide . I just wish my husband could understand all I won't is for him to spend quality time with me and his children I don't mind him having a drink or going out but it's the amount of time
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Old 16th March 2015, 10:22 AM   #4
sambrooklands
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Re: Is my husband being unreasonable

Ok Summer - sounds that you are coping well, and you will find out over the coming weeks and months that you will be stronger than you ever thought. You appear to still love your husband very much, so maybe it is time to really start showing 'tough love'. Keep up the separation for now, however make it clear that it is due to hime needing to sort himself out. It is critical that you make him aware that if he does sort himself, there maybe a future but the crucially important part is that you make him 100% aware that there are no guarantees at this stage (otherwise he is likely to revert back to type pretty quickly once he considers the crisis is over...). He needs to show sustained and committed dedication to getting help and grasping the opportunity for recovery with both hands before you soften in any way.
I am assuming you are in the UK?
..If that is the case I urge you to call AL Anon. They are a free, impartial support line who are not to be confused with Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). Al Anon exist to support the FAMILIES of those affected by addiction, not the victim. Put AL Anon into google and it will bring up a contact number.

Do this now, as it will take a great burden off you, and they will be able to help with all the concerns you have listed so far. Let me know how you get on, and speak later.
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Old 16th March 2015, 10:25 AM   #5
sambrooklands
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Re: Is my husband being unreasonable

Here is the number ;

0207 4030888

Call them, now.
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Old 16th March 2015, 04:18 PM   #6
defeated
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Re: Is my husband being unreasonable

Yes, your husband is being totally unreasonable, but it may be because he's an alcoholic and so his judgement is guided by this and his addictive personality.
You need help, but you know that and sounds as though you're doing everything right and making the right moves to take your destiny in to your own hands rather than relying on him.
It's really hard and I haven't been in your situation, but can imagine how down-trodden you feel and yet still love him.
I agree with sambrooklands... get some help asap and tough love is the only way forward.
Best of luck and as sambrooklands said to me... coming on to this site is the hardest thing, but once you're here you're already a step towards making positive steps for yourself!!! Good Luck.
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Old 16th March 2015, 06:59 PM   #7
Lindentree1
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Re: Is my husband being unreasonable

It sounds like you're doing the right thing, Summer. I'm not sure what else you could have done. I know you're scared but it sounds like your husband has a serious drinking problem. If he doesn't do anything about it--it will get worse in time. That's not good for your marriage, his health, and your emotional well-being. I know you're scared, but you did the right thing. He needs help.

And Al Anon sounds like a very good idea for you. It's a support system and it should help.
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Old 16th March 2015, 07:08 PM   #8
chosen
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Re: Is my husband being unreasonable

Sometimes people wont act on their issues until they think they may loose everything No one should have to deal with what you have year after year.
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Old 16th March 2015, 09:38 PM   #9
capital
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Re: Is my husband being unreasonable

He is being totally unreasonable - for reasons that may be clear to him. It seems a terrible deal for you. What do you love about him?
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Old 16th March 2015, 10:25 PM   #10
Summer1996
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Re: Is my husband being unreasonable

Hi everyone thank you for your replies .. I've had a really good day today I feel like the world been lifted of my shoulders , thank you for the advice about al but I feel I have no confidence to talk to someone the phone at the moment . My girls have been a little upset today my littlest 9yrs old cried today at school as they are missing their dad .. But they do understand why dad has gone they even said I'm happier , at the moment he staying at his bosses house but it won't be long before he has to leave as they only got small house and two little children he has text me today says he wants to come home and he loves us all and he will try again but I've told him he's had chances after chances and that I don't think he will ever change and that I'm thinking of me and the children from now on I'm going to see my boss sometime this week to try at sort my work shifts out .. And to answer question about what I love about him .. I thought hard to find i don't love anything about him I think it's just the love of I been with him for so long if you get what I mean ..I'm just worried now that he will go done bank as he's never had to look after his self can't cook or use appliances lol .. What I can't understand either as 3yrs ago he was diagnosed with cancer on the voice box he's did well with his treatment and has regular check ups which all come back clear , so I would of thought that having been through this it would of made him real use how important his family was but it seemed to make him more selfish .
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Old 17th March 2015, 04:34 AM   #11
chosen
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Re: Is my husband being unreasonable

Quote:
Originally Posted by Summer1996 View Post
Hi everyone thank you for your replies .. I've had a really good day today I feel like the world been lifted of my shoulders , thank you for the advice about al but I feel I have no confidence to talk to someone the phone at the moment . My girls have been a little upset today my littlest 9yrs old cried today at school as they are missing their dad .. But they do understand why dad has gone they even said I'm happier , at the moment he staying at his bosses house but it won't be long before he has to leave as they only got small house and two little children he has text me today says he wants to come home and he loves us all and he will try again but I've told him he's had chances after chances and that I don't think he will ever change and that I'm thinking of me and the children from now on I'm going to see my boss sometime this week to try at sort my work shifts out .. And to answer question about what I love about him .. I thought hard to find i don't love anything about him I think it's just the love of I been with him for so long if you get what I mean ..I'm just worried now that he will go done bank as he's never had to look after his self can't cook or use appliances lol .. What I can't understand either as 3yrs ago he was diagnosed with cancer on the voice box he's did well with his treatment and has regular check ups which all come back clear , so I would of thought that having been through this it would of made him real use how important his family was but it seemed to make him more selfish .
I think you must stay strong and dont even think of having him back unless he is fully committed to treatment and has been away from the drink and gambling for some time. It may take a year or more, and thats if he decides to really commit himself to it.
Talk is easy but actually doing it is a different matter. It will do him good to have to manage alone for a while, it may make him appreciate you more.
The girls will miss him, he is still their dad despite his faults, and they cant see the whole picture as you can.
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