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Old 16th March 2015, 09:35 PM   #1
capital
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Exclamation scared

hello, this is the first time I've started using a site like this. I wonder if you can help me - I have a partner of 20 years and we have 3 teenagers. he is a kind slightly selfish man who I've never fancied. Now I am able to think about a future by myself I can't tolerate being with someone I've never had any attraction to. What do I do? ps he loves me dearly.
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Old 16th March 2015, 10:00 PM   #2
notDoneYet
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Re: scared

You have 2 kids to a man you don't fancy? And you've been with him 20 years? What's the real story here capital?
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Old 16th March 2015, 10:10 PM   #3
capital
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Re: scared

hello notDoneyet i married him because he was so kind to me and I had no real confidence. We had children immediately and then he spent most of our lives away working. Ive become very confident and made a community with friends, worked, lived as a single parent. Now he's back, as sweet as ever but doesn't fit into my life and I can't find a flicker of attraction. Its so sad I don't know what to do, we're having counselling and Ive even considered hypnotherapy I'm so desperate to find him attractive.
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Old 16th March 2015, 10:19 PM   #4
N654563
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Re: scared

Quote:
Originally Posted by capital View Post
hello notDoneyet i married him because he was so kind to me and I had no real confidence. We had children immediately and then he spent most of our lives away working. Ive become very confident and made a community with friends, worked, lived as a single parent. Now he's back, as sweet as ever but doesn't fit into my life and I can't find a flicker of attraction. Its so sad I don't know what to do, we're having counselling and Ive even considered hypnotherapy I'm so desperate to find him attractive.
It sounds like a desperately sad situation but by the sound of it you want to love him and want to find him attractive so that is positive. Keep talking to your councellor and each other. Have you told him how you feel?
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Old 16th March 2015, 10:30 PM   #5
notDoneYet
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Re: scared

Wow, slow down here girlfriend. Now he's back? What does that mean? I think this is an important piece of information you need to share if you want a fair opinion.
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Old 16th March 2015, 11:55 PM   #6
defeated
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Re: scared

How has he been as a husband over the past 20 years?
He might love you dearly, but do you really love him deep down - 20 years is a long time??
What do you think life really looks like without him and how long have you been feeling like this?
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Old 17th March 2015, 04:21 AM   #7
chosen
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Re: scared

Quote:
Originally Posted by notDoneYet View Post
Wow, slow down here girlfriend. Now he's back? What does that mean? I think this is an important piece of information you need to share if you want a fair opinion.
She said he has been away working for most of the time.
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Old 17th March 2015, 04:26 AM   #8
chosen
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Re: scared

THis is sad, by all accounts he has been a good husband and dad, and he has done nothing to deserve being rejected. There is no rule that says you MUST fancy your husband, just that you should love him and treat him with respect. Now he is with you more, you need to make time for him in your life, go out together, maybe find a hobby that you can enjoy together, carry on counselling, put him before you other friends and activities, make him feel wanted.
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Old 17th March 2015, 04:52 PM   #9
capital
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Re: scared

Thank Chosen, yes he's been working for about 8 months of each year which is why I have been too busy to face that i feel unfulfilled, until now. Thank you so much for the responses. I fear that trying to settle for what I have is the only solution and accept that I should consider myself lucky. It doesn't feel right ....doe anyone think hypnosis would help?
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Old 19th March 2015, 01:52 PM   #10
Raymond
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Re: scared

In my opinion I wouldn't go for hypnosis. It could open you up for worse things.
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Old 19th March 2015, 07:09 PM   #11
chosen
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Re: scared

I agree with Raymond, there is NO WAY that I would EVER have hypnosis, you dont know what you are opening your mind up to.
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Old 20th March 2015, 08:28 PM   #12
StarryD
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Re: scared

If my husband had to be hypnotized in order to be attracted to me, I'd be mortified. I definitely don't think that's going to have any positive influence whatsoever. It's a tough situation, you seem to genuinely be desperate to feel something for a man that you clearly just don't, and by your own words, never have.. Very doubtful an attraction will magically appear now.

He is happy to plod on with the life he's lived with you for several years, you are unfulfilled with that and so built a new life of which he doesn't fit in.
I believe every marriage is worth fighting for, but really, I'm not sure that should be the case here. I was married at 24 until I was 34 to a man I was never in love with (although the issues that came with it were very different in my situation to what yours are) he was never away from home other than normal working hours and we both lived separate lives within the same house. Now 5 years later I'm married to a man I love with all of my heart and am happier than I ever thought I'd be.. That being said, of course we have problems, but the key to being able to work at a marriage is that both participants feel enough for the other to truly try. I just can't help feeling that the more you try to force yourself to feel things that should come naturally, the more resent you will end up feeling toward a man that has (by the sound of it) been a good loving husband to you.

That isn't fair on either of you. He deserves to be with someone whos feelings of love and attraction are mutual, not forced. 20 years is a very long time, and if after such an amount of time no attraction has evolved then I don't think it ever will. A lot of people can stay in marriages where there is no attraction because a mutual respect and deep friendhsip is enough. But from what you have written, this is not enough for you, and I completely understand that. Life is short, and people don't want to end up years down the line with regrets or feel like their life could have been better had they only made certain decisions sooner when they had the chance. Everybody is entitled to their own happiness, you and he.
For the childrens sakes I hope you manage to come to some kind of mutual agreement regarding your marriage that doesn't involve one or the other spouse being forced to endure things they are not happy with.
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