Lost

[Bummedoutwife]

I am at a total loss over how to improve my marriage. My husband says he loves me and cares for me deeply, however all his actions say otherwise. I wake up with our son every day while hub sleeps in. I do all the cooking and cleaning. I work full time and am a full time college student. I beg him for help and he's all promises but never changes. I'm exhausted all the time. When I tell him he makes me feel uncared for it always escalates to an argument where he tells me I'm crazy/being self centered. It is starting to alter my personality. I cry often which just annoys him. He tells me I'm too focused on my emotions.
In addition to this, our physical relationship is often painful and pleases only him. Sometimes I feel like he is only satisfied if I am uncomfortable. He asks me to participate in ways that I feel degrading. When I say this, he guilts me into doing them which leads to tears and more arguments.
I don't want to separate as a feel a together family is best for our son. Is he correct that I am being selfish? Should I just get over it? I just feel like I am not treated with respect. If he cared wouldn't he want to help?

[Raymond]

There does seem to be an imbalance there. We are supposed to love our wives and try to understand them. I think you are doing too much if you are working full time and are a full time college student. Is being a full time student something you agreed on together? Who does the housework and the cooking? Does your husband work full time?

I don't know what he wants you to do in the bedroom and don't want to know but we should never force things on our spouses if they are uncomfortable with it and feel degraded. My wife once told me she was uncomfortable with oral sex, so we stopped doing it, not that we were really doing much of it. That is not a standard for others it is just knowing what is acceptable to the other and what is not. She is comfortable with some other things so she is not a prude. We have to find agreement together. It shouldn't be one dominating the other and making them feel guilty either in the bedroom or generally.

I think you have to protect yourself and your boundaries if he is not. One cannot criticise if he gets up late etc. but we can get a balance by giving a "No" when it is needed and not be intimidated. I think every person has this right.

[TJW]

Originally Posted by Bummedoutwife

My husband says he loves me and cares for me deeply, however all his actions say otherwise.

I tend to agree. If my wife cried after having intimacy with me, I surely wouldn't ask her to do anything that she doesn't feel is ok. I would never want her to feel degraded by anything we did, whether in the bedroom or not.

I don't want to separate as a feel a together family is best for our son.

I also agree that God's plan is the best for your son, and I believe that is a together family.

However, after having said that, I think it must also be recognized that Dr. Phil is right, too, when he says that "....a child would rather be from a broken home than live in one..."

Your son is growing up everyday towards becoming just like his dad. That is perhaps a large factor in why your husband is like he is, it's what he saw modeled in his family-of-origin.

Over time, if your feelings of degradation continue, you will have a broken home. It might be a "together" home in the physical sense, but it will be radically, beyond repair, broken, in the emotional sense.

Is he correct that I am being selfish? If he cared wouldn't he want to help?

The first question is a no-brainer. It is HIM who is being selfish, not you.

The second question isn't so easily answered. I had to re-learn some things to have successful marriage. My dad was someone I considered a wonderful dad. He was a very good christian and I know he loved my mother, their marriage lasted 54 years before she went home with the Lord. My dad followed 11 months later. However, this was my mom's constant complaint, that he didn't help much around the house, or with me and my brother. He grew up in a family where the dad was the breadwinner and the mom did everything else.

Later, after my brother and I left their home, dad started to take on some domestic activities and my mother was delighted.

I know he loved my mom because he CHANGED. This will be how your question is answered.

Maybe some marriage counseling would help.

[chosen]

can you sit down together and list all the jobs that need doing each day and decide who will do what? Put the list up somewhere where it is seen clearly. Maybe at weekends decide that one day you will get up with your son and the other day he will. As for sex, he does sound very selfish, and if there are things you feel very uncomfortable about then tell him when you are not havings sex and say that you wont be doing that again.

I am sure that some good marriage counseling will help as well.

Do you actually have to study as well as work? When you have a small child they need your time and attention and trying to do too much wont help. Can you study when the child is older?

[Muj]

I actually have similar situation, where i feel like i have been doing a lot, yet my husband still ask me what i have done for the marriage. The thing is, people like this are narcistic, where they think they deserve many from you and in order for you to keep doing it, they said things to put you down. However, i am a person that against divorce, i believe marriage and family is better to the kids than divorce. So if you want to stay married, i guess you have to put up with him. You can ask help, but do it without being emotional. Say it straight to his face when you need to do something and you want him to clean/cook now. Dont give time for him to think, so dont say things in advance.