Hubby, you asked for perspectives from Christian women and I'm not a Christian, so you can stop reading me now if you like!
Despite my ungodly leanings, I wholeheartedly share Raymond's concern about, sympathy for and frustration with you. You're having a horrible time, you've been unfairly treated and you're reacting to it all most destructively. You're also a great writer, and very witty. So I hope your thread runs and runs
You say you're determined that god gave you this wife for a purpose. You say she is a sheep to your shepherd. Clearly, she's not the best sheep on the mountainside - so are you saying god gave you the mean-tempered sheep as a test of your shepherding skills? (Actually, all sheep are mean-tempered, but let's stick with the parable.)
The bible is full to the bookends with sheep parables. As I recall, no biblical shepherd was ever tasked with turning a bad sheep into a good one. All they are required to do with their sheep is not to lose them. That's a shepherd's job.
So, if god gave you your wife as he gave sheep to Aramaic shepherds, it was for you to clamber down any ravines she might fall into and bring her back up; protect her from predators; keep her alive. She is alive, fed, watered and housed. Therefore you are a good shepherd. You have not failed in the task you believe god gave you.
You've even resolved to continue these duties all your life, regardless of how many ravines she tumbles into. That makes you not just a good shepherd, but an outstandingly dedicated one. God must be polishing up a special gold crook for you right now!
I'm interested in your questions about why god lumbered you with such a tricky marriage. While it's tempting to dish out glib, god-related replies, I'd prefer to interpret his will as an expression of our inner knowledge (I believe that's allowable: we are all expressions of his will, and he is in us all).
Yes, we do choose our partners for their individual characteristics - and for how those characteristics chime with our own. Your wife is clearly a troubled soul. To find your own inner self disgusting, as she does, must be unbearable. Her desperation to
not be disgusting - such that she tries to convince herself of god's approval, contrary to all she's been taught - I find utterly heart-rending. Sad little shags, in disgusting places with disgusting people, hardly constitute a pursuit of pleasure or fulfilment. It sounds more like punishment; self-inflicted at that. The poor, poor girl.
It's a no-brainer, then, why she chose you. You're her good shepherd. She damn well needs one, by the sound of it. She's not just falling down ravines, she's in an abyss and it's dark down there.
Slightly less obvious: why did you choose her? Someone with such a profoundly distressed soul as your wife can't possibly have seemed like pure apple pie when you chose each other. She could possibly have appealed, however, to a man whose own insecurities drove him to feel needed - as provider, guardian, rescuer, shepherd - by someone whose needs were very great. Or she could have appealed to a man who found himself disgusting, and felt kinship in that way, though his response was to make himself extra-good where she went for extra-bad?
Either way, Hubby, you took your role as 'good shepherd' and you fulfil it to the tee. But you're well on the way to breaking your deal, since you now say (rather alarmingly, in the same paragraph) you hate her and you love her. Go carefully, please, this looks like treacherous ground.
If I were big-headed enough to claim a guess at god's motives, I'd suggest he gave you each other to work out each other's demons. Or to provoke each other into working out your own demons, which amounts to the same thing.
Whatever your wife's issues represent to you, I think you're making a mistake to see it as a purely moral/emotional issue on her part (obviously, it is to you). Such extremely self-destructive behaviour, especially coupled with her guilt-tortured reworkings of her faith, is more than waywardness. It's illness. She's sick.
That information isn't a whole lot of help to you right now, since she won't seek help of any kind. You can't have her sectioned as she isn't threatening her own or anyone else's life. She will, however, reach a point eventually where she asks for help or is forced to accept it.
I'm distressed at the thought of you both going through this - and worse - before she's in safe hands, where she can find some peace of mind. But I'm even more scared that, before she gets to those safe hands, some even more psychotic quasi-religious nutter will get hold of her & destroy whatever's left in her that's good! She's prime fodder.
Of course, Hubby, nobody would blame you if you decide to divorce, seperate, or whatever gets you out of this mess with your family more or less intact. As others have pointed out, even god will allow you that one. You do deserve some happiness - or, should I say, some serenity.
Happiness and serenity are largely states of mind. If they're conferred upon us, they don't last long unless the benficiary has already achieved a state of equilibrium in their own being. This, you don't have at present. It's what you need. Strangely enough, you can achieve your serenity
in any circumstances. Whether you're with your wife or not; poor or rich - you can achieve it.
The only thing that's holding you back from finding your own peace (in life!) is your resentment. Your posts are shot through with it. Try to lose it. God doesn't like resentment very much (except when it's his own, heh); most of the parables are about serenity. Whichever course of action you decide upon, try to
stop resenting the past you wish you had but didn't; to calmly deal with the present you have; to peacably adopt a happier view of life and believe in your own capacity for happiness.
You have a massive helping hand in your faith - find yourself some kind, genuine souls amongst your church community to support you when your faith in god's benevolence wavers, and also when your faith in your self does. Become an optimist; one who revels in the joys of god's creation.
Personally, I hope you will find it in you to carry on, more equably, shepherding your wife. This is because I fear for her. Maybe you do, too, and maybe you do need that level of challenge after all. Maybe you'll choose to leave that particular sheep in her abyss; maybe you'll find a wider cause to support, like a victim support project or something else that calls on your shepherding skills but less intensely.
In any case, the thing for you is to find your optimism. And become serene. I wish you the very best of luck; I think you'll get your helping hand from on high when you look for it in hope.
Whew, too long!
I'll be interested to see what you thought (if you read it, of course!)
AG