Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  
Old 13th September 2009, 11:01 PM   #16
hubby12
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 9
Re: I give up

The chance to be a happy young couple is gone and can't be redeemed. Monogamy is gone. The special gift of lovemaking with our husband or wife is gone even if it were to happen I would just be one of many and would never have the place I should. Respect is gone. Trust is gone. Most of my life is gone. If I were to lose a leg it might be possible to live a good with one leg but the loss could never be redeemed. I don't think I could ever be happy being lover number 32. It's too late to make it right. You say I could be happy with less but I just can't let it go. I morn for what could have been and something less is just something less. Apart from that how does one "forgive" someone who is not sorry? Sure she knows she has done wrong but she honestly thinks her sin is against God and not me. She never thinks how this had devastated me and thinks I should just get over it and leave her alone about the whole thing.
I give up
hubby12 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th September 2009, 08:18 AM   #17
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: I give up

Hubby it is never profitable to mourn about the past. You still have a future. Are we not told to be overcomers. Your problem is to reconcile the past. Bitterness wil hold you to the past and could destroy you. Personally I think you ought to have divorced her as soon as this adultery was happening where there was no repentance. As it is you chose to stay and there is no point in being bitter towards her if you are going to live with her. God can restore the years the locust has eaten however that works out.

It is true she cannot receive your forgiveness without her repentance nevertheless there should be a lack of bitterness in you and a forgiveness of her within yourself so to speak for your own sake. This can be played out fully where there is her full repentance.

She will be under conviction in her relationship with God and will have to get right over it with you also if she is ever to enjoy the fullness of his presence. Therefore you can encourage her relationship with God. Her conviction will be greater the nicer you are, but if she never repents she is living a total lie for one who professes to be a christian.

On another tack my wife has asked have you never explained to her what this has done and what it is doing to you even now?

Raymond

Last edited by Raymond; 14th September 2009 at 08:25 AM.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th September 2009, 08:18 AM   #18
1aokgal
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I give up

Dear Hubby12...

I see you turning on a open spit like a pig burning to a crisp over issues which are truly beyond your ability to change. It seems you spend a lot of your waking hours trying to analyze her behavior, which is distasteful and repugnant, and defies sane explanation.

It is sad to live day to day and feel life is hollow and all you do lacks purpose or meaning. You feel isolated and spurned and everything tastes like ashes. While you provide the basics of living it seems a just thing that you could at least have a partner who shares your years until death do you part who is more than a roomie.

I am sorry to see someone with a story like my own. There is a special despair one feels to see life pass and know it will likely never change. Others see a functional facade of a marriage but the truth is that two people just co-exist. After so many desperate years one can develop deep seated anger and cynicism and likely if the partner ever did make a decent overture we would likely reject that action. A spurned mate feels too much anger to be receptive and loving toward a torturer who dishes out a lot of attitude and hurt.
We would have to pay back for all that pain.

My husband is a good companion. We do things together when he is here and he likes to please and do token things for me. It is his compromise as he is not a husband. He is generous with gifts and tokens to replace affection, touch and caring in an intimate way. He cares nothing that I may be attractive to others or have opportunity to be with someone else. He is sure I am always here. I dislike him for that part because I think to take me for granted is hurtful and an insult. It is as though I have no value.

He is not with other women though I once told him it would be fine with me if he were because at least I would respect him for being a normal man. That was an anger remark and passed.

There were years I felt as you do..hopeless and defeated and lonely. Then I detached and began to see life as belonging to me and not to him. I became my own person with interests, friends and pursuits and do not include him in these things. I paint lovely pictures, have an internet business and two strong big dogs to train and show. I try to keep busy and think little of him. His job keeps him somewhere else most of the time which is good for me because it is easier when he is not here. We do share a very large bed.

He does put his arm around me or holds my hand and often tells me he loves me and does kind things. I no longer find him someone I want to be with physically as the rejections have been prolonged for years and my confidence is damaged. It is for that reason I probably stay faithful because I do have opportunity but I think I find men a bit diststeful at this point. The trust, and sensual desire has been blunted or lost. Maybe you understand that and experience this? If I knew he were repeatedly unfaithful, as in your situation I would divorce, no doubt on that.

Sometimes I desire and wish... but recoil in reality. I never thought anyone as confident and physical and feminine as I am would ever feel so diminished. It is a type of abuse we have experienced that wounds the spirit to the core. I don't like him for the treatment he has given me. I loved him absolutely...perhaps still do. It just will never live again.

Like you, time has passed. The years have gone by and hope lost. I wish you to think more about your own needs, happiness and interests. Take up a hobby, sport or interest that you love and make that a passion. Stop questioning what makes HER tick. Who cares! Stop rationalizing all this as if you are the master of your fate. The "she was given to you to lead, etc".... sorry...I don't see all that from the view you do. She had choice and made it. Maybe your choice should be to go on a great safari or trip and find who you are as if she died. (She did.)

Find your destiny apart from her. Yes, consider divorce if you have some years ahead.

If you think that is not possible, be where she is NOT. Quit taking all the responsibiltiy on your shoulders. You got unlucky! You got the short straw. Make the best you can of life whle you can.

You have my sympathy. You seem almost too intellectual to just throw in the towel and take your energy and invest it in something wonderful. Maybe in the "withholding" this is her way to punish you for being too controlling in other areas? Who knows why these people seem incapable to give or receive love. I think my husband deprives just because he can.

Your analogy of the job you were given is a good one but I think scripture cannot always explain the working of the human heart. Do you know if this woman had sexual abuse in her childhood and if that trauma could be part of what plays out here? She seems to lack innner components but we were attracted to the neediness in them at the beginning so maybe we are people who like order. Now they are in control. There are as many theories as one can imagine. It is all just painful and others Could never understand unless they experience it as well. Glad there is this place.

I wish you happiness.
  Reply With Quote
Old 16th September 2009, 05:18 PM   #19
surrender2Christ
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I give up

I think you and your wife must speak a different love language than you and have completely different temperaments. This site has a test to find out your love language with your spouse if you can get her to take it. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/enq.pdf It will help you understand what she really wants, and what she isnt getting from you , and vice versa. I do give you props, because I would have left by now if I were you.
  Reply With Quote
Old 17th September 2009, 07:07 AM   #20
hubby12
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 9
Re: I give up

Raymond
What you say is probably true but somehow I just can't see it right now. Some things one just can't get past. If she had thrown herself on my mercy when these things happened I might have been able to forgive and try to put it behind me. But when I have spent my life in an attempt to be a good man and husband only to have my effort summarily dismissed as not worth consideration then it just sucks. At your urging I attempted to speak with her two days ago. It went like this. I asked her to sit by the pool for a moment with me. She sat about ten feet from me and asked me what the problem was. I said sometimes my life just seems empty and don't know just how much longer I can go on this way. She stood immediately and said "that's between you and God and I don't want any part in it". For the next two days she has acted as if I said nothing. As far as divorce goes, while I make a very good income even a very good income divided by two would never satisfy her needs and if you know anything about California divorce law you should know I would end up living like a pauper and she would get everything. Also I would never want to have my children think marriage is somehow disposable.
1AOK
I appreciate your sentiment and can understand your way of dealing with it. I really don't obsess about it much but you don't know me. Pleasing my wife is central to my being. It is how I'm made. I would much rather make others happy than do something for myself. I know it may sound sick but in large part I believe a good husband measures himself by the contentment of his wife. I cannot divorce myself from core intellectual concepts that are the underpinnings of my existence. It's simply who I am. I could no more go find a substitute for my wife than I could serve another God if my god somehow disappointed me. Please understand I am not in any way passing judgment on your life or what works for you but I can only do that which is in me.
Surrender
If she would be willing to take such a quiz there would be no need to do it, if you get my drift.
Thanks guy
Hubby
hubby12 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th September 2009, 08:45 AM   #21
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: I give up

It's not just between you and God Hubby. That is a very hypocritical thing to say. She is involved as it is to do with your relationship. I hope you got it accross what the situation is doing to you. It seems like you are rewarding her for her immorality and the witholding of herself from you.

Divorce is legitimate where there is unrepentant adultery and I am sure the courts would see it that way and not leave you a pauper. Money is a good servant but a bad master. I would not let that aspect control things. Naked you came in and naked you will go out.

It sounds like she has left you in herself but enjoys your provision. Until she finds repentance towards you this seems set to continue I fear. If you won't change it all you can do is build yourself up in God and seek his wisdom for the situation, but that may also mean getting good counsel, for in the multitude of counselors purposes are established.

Raymond
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd October 2009, 12:59 PM   #22
Ageing Grace
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 738
Re: I give up

Hubby, you asked for perspectives from Christian women and I'm not a Christian, so you can stop reading me now if you like!

Despite my ungodly leanings, I wholeheartedly share Raymond's concern about, sympathy for and frustration with you. You're having a horrible time, you've been unfairly treated and you're reacting to it all most destructively. You're also a great writer, and very witty. So I hope your thread runs and runs

You say you're determined that god gave you this wife for a purpose. You say she is a sheep to your shepherd. Clearly, she's not the best sheep on the mountainside - so are you saying god gave you the mean-tempered sheep as a test of your shepherding skills? (Actually, all sheep are mean-tempered, but let's stick with the parable.)

The bible is full to the bookends with sheep parables. As I recall, no biblical shepherd was ever tasked with turning a bad sheep into a good one. All they are required to do with their sheep is not to lose them. That's a shepherd's job.

So, if god gave you your wife as he gave sheep to Aramaic shepherds, it was for you to clamber down any ravines she might fall into and bring her back up; protect her from predators; keep her alive. She is alive, fed, watered and housed. Therefore you are a good shepherd. You have not failed in the task you believe god gave you.

You've even resolved to continue these duties all your life, regardless of how many ravines she tumbles into. That makes you not just a good shepherd, but an outstandingly dedicated one. God must be polishing up a special gold crook for you right now!

I'm interested in your questions about why god lumbered you with such a tricky marriage. While it's tempting to dish out glib, god-related replies, I'd prefer to interpret his will as an expression of our inner knowledge (I believe that's allowable: we are all expressions of his will, and he is in us all).

Yes, we do choose our partners for their individual characteristics - and for how those characteristics chime with our own. Your wife is clearly a troubled soul. To find your own inner self disgusting, as she does, must be unbearable. Her desperation to not be disgusting - such that she tries to convince herself of god's approval, contrary to all she's been taught - I find utterly heart-rending. Sad little shags, in disgusting places with disgusting people, hardly constitute a pursuit of pleasure or fulfilment. It sounds more like punishment; self-inflicted at that. The poor, poor girl.

It's a no-brainer, then, why she chose you. You're her good shepherd. She damn well needs one, by the sound of it. She's not just falling down ravines, she's in an abyss and it's dark down there.

Slightly less obvious: why did you choose her? Someone with such a profoundly distressed soul as your wife can't possibly have seemed like pure apple pie when you chose each other. She could possibly have appealed, however, to a man whose own insecurities drove him to feel needed - as provider, guardian, rescuer, shepherd - by someone whose needs were very great. Or she could have appealed to a man who found himself disgusting, and felt kinship in that way, though his response was to make himself extra-good where she went for extra-bad?

Either way, Hubby, you took your role as 'good shepherd' and you fulfil it to the tee. But you're well on the way to breaking your deal, since you now say (rather alarmingly, in the same paragraph) you hate her and you love her. Go carefully, please, this looks like treacherous ground.

If I were big-headed enough to claim a guess at god's motives, I'd suggest he gave you each other to work out each other's demons. Or to provoke each other into working out your own demons, which amounts to the same thing.

Whatever your wife's issues represent to you, I think you're making a mistake to see it as a purely moral/emotional issue on her part (obviously, it is to you). Such extremely self-destructive behaviour, especially coupled with her guilt-tortured reworkings of her faith, is more than waywardness. It's illness. She's sick.

That information isn't a whole lot of help to you right now, since she won't seek help of any kind. You can't have her sectioned as she isn't threatening her own or anyone else's life. She will, however, reach a point eventually where she asks for help or is forced to accept it.

I'm distressed at the thought of you both going through this - and worse - before she's in safe hands, where she can find some peace of mind. But I'm even more scared that, before she gets to those safe hands, some even more psychotic quasi-religious nutter will get hold of her & destroy whatever's left in her that's good! She's prime fodder.

Of course, Hubby, nobody would blame you if you decide to divorce, seperate, or whatever gets you out of this mess with your family more or less intact. As others have pointed out, even god will allow you that one. You do deserve some happiness - or, should I say, some serenity.

Happiness and serenity are largely states of mind. If they're conferred upon us, they don't last long unless the benficiary has already achieved a state of equilibrium in their own being. This, you don't have at present. It's what you need. Strangely enough, you can achieve your serenity in any circumstances. Whether you're with your wife or not; poor or rich - you can achieve it.

The only thing that's holding you back from finding your own peace (in life!) is your resentment. Your posts are shot through with it. Try to lose it. God doesn't like resentment very much (except when it's his own, heh); most of the parables are about serenity. Whichever course of action you decide upon, try to stop resenting the past you wish you had but didn't; to calmly deal with the present you have; to peacably adopt a happier view of life and believe in your own capacity for happiness.

You have a massive helping hand in your faith - find yourself some kind, genuine souls amongst your church community to support you when your faith in god's benevolence wavers, and also when your faith in your self does. Become an optimist; one who revels in the joys of god's creation.

Personally, I hope you will find it in you to carry on, more equably, shepherding your wife. This is because I fear for her. Maybe you do, too, and maybe you do need that level of challenge after all. Maybe you'll choose to leave that particular sheep in her abyss; maybe you'll find a wider cause to support, like a victim support project or something else that calls on your shepherding skills but less intensely.

In any case, the thing for you is to find your optimism. And become serene. I wish you the very best of luck; I think you'll get your helping hand from on high when you look for it in hope.

Whew, too long!
I'll be interested to see what you thought (if you read it, of course!)

AG
Ageing Grace is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd December 2009, 12:43 AM   #23
rppearso
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I give up

Scripturally valid or not, this marriage will destroy you and is not of God but of satan. God did not design marriage to be prudish or sexless. The real problem to contend with is if there are kids you will have serious child support consequences if you divorce unless you can get custody.
  Reply With Quote
Old 30th January 2010, 02:14 AM   #24
BigBen
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I give up

Oh Hubby - i thought I had it bad - i was married in '76 - but at least our sex life lasted a little longer than that. Look - yes - you have kept to your word - and all credit to you. I don't know where you live - i'm from the U.K. - but you seem like a really nice God-fearing guy - a human being of the very best kind ------------ but --- what is the price you have paid???? I just pray that you take the remainder of your life and LIVE it!!!!! - God bless you man!!!
  Reply With Quote
Old 16th February 2010, 06:28 AM   #25
addymark
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I give up

i don't think its good for getting marrige because no any holy process like in Hindu so i thing its not bater that that one. no any program of dance or etc....

Have it well.
  Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 04:41 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer