What is the right thing to do for my wife right now?

[Ageing Grace]

Originally Posted by confused555

I am a guy, ... So can you be specific about how to be there in the background..

Lol, Confused, you are a guy - overcomplicating the statement!

I simply meant stuff like working out a plan that will afford you & your kids the best chance of regaining some stability, accepting that she has her own stuff to do, and TELLING her you appreciate she's having a hard time.

Tell her you're available to discuss anything (including the Meaning Of Life, etc ) as long as she phones to arrange a suitable time & place with you beforehand. Tell her what you're doing to assure a reasonable level of stability for your children, and explain you need this, too, because you're doing your best for your family. Let her know it's not fair on the kids to change plans at short notice; say it's fine for her to reduce her level of contact for a while if she needs to.

Keep explaining that you understand she needs to explore her own thing. Keep explaining, also, that your family needs stability, and boundaries have to be set to afford it. Your boundaries may be open to discussion - now and in the future - but make sure you set them and keep them!

This is alarmingly similar to what you do when letting teenage children go. My wisest friend calls it "giving them wings". Your wife is acting - as near as possible, for a married woman with children - like an experimental teenager. Whilst you are minded to support her, I suspect this is the model that will be most helpful.

Remember that you are not her parent; your actual children need you for that. Give her wings, if you like, and assure her safe landings.

Remember the fledglings only learn how to use their wings when they're pushed out of the nest! So, push your wife

It sounds like you have a great counsellor there, Confused55. If s/he disagrees with any of this, I'd advise you to give preference to your counsel. If my 'teenager' analogy chimes with what they're saying, maybe all these words will help ...

Over to you. Sorry for lengthy reply!

AG

[confused555]

Ag,

Thank you very much for the suggestions. I agree with you that she is trying out her wings like a teenager. She has dropped all responsibilities and gets angry when I “take things over”. I only do them because she is not there not because I want to take them over.

I know we need to have the separation details worked out. I did try that before when she first signed the lease and I’ll I got was I don’t knows. I hesitate to setup the boundaries for fear of being accused of being controlling. I guess I am going to have to do it tell her I am doing it for the sake of the children’s stability and let her emotions go where she takes them.

[Jenn]

You have to take control of the situation and if she thinks that is controlling, then so be it.

[Ageing Grace]

Yep. It's tricky for you. As you HAVE been controlling/manipulative - and are busy giving that up - negotiation between you & your wife is full of inevitable potholes.

From your own point of view, Confused, I think the best you can do is to evaluate your motives before making potentially controversial remarks. I realise you're already doing that - just by way of a reminder And then evaluate hers. One of the most precious side-effects of therapy (when it works, as it is doing for you) is the insight you gain into other people's thought processes.

This, in itself, should be enough to keep you on a fairly steady course through the negotiations to come. With the support of your counsellor, I think you will be able to impose boundaries where necessary, reasonably explain your reasoning, and choose immunity to her 'button presses' (like calling you controlling).

From your rather inspiring posts, I suspect you already have all the resources you need to make these changes. Should you lack the courage, maybe you could look for a family lawyer who is trained in mediation. This type of mediation is nothing to do with relationship management; it's meant to facilitate practical arrangements between couples who have split up. It comes in useful when you need a delusional partner to take a quick reality check!

Sending you good wishes. You can do it.
AG