Concern over husband's behavior during engagement party. Where next?

[bow595kt]

I'm 36, been married since November '09. 6 years married now. Live in Boston, Massachusetts.
On Wednesday night me and my husband went to my friend/co-worker Karla's engagement party, at a local restaurant. The meal went well enough, she'd pre-booked it for her and 13 other people [well, 15 in total if you include us).
Until about 1/2 way through the meal, my husband then started to try and flirt with the dude next to him, asked him about the color of his underwear, his dick size, asked him if he'd ever consider ****ing with him ina hotel, my friend was in shock when she heard this and the meal suddenly became somber. Then my husband asked Karla's fiance about his dick size, told Karla he'd been sleeping with her husband since March and they argued, he denied it, a food fight broke out, Karla's fiance began to fight with him, and we all got thrown out the restaurant.
I went home, and we argued and argued, he said he wasn't gay or bisexual, said he was only trying to have a bit of fun, said he was joshing.
This is so out-of-character I don't really understand why he did this. He insists he's not gay or bisexual, and has no history of affairs.
Why would he do this? I feel angry, unnerved and sick and don't know what to do, where to go next, I feel embarrassed, and I've had an angry voicemail from Karla on the autodialler saying:

We need to talk.

Any advice you can provide would be good.

[chosen]

wow, I am shocked, and I am not easily shoccked. My feeling is that if he isnt gay why didnt he flirt with the women there and not the men??His excuse that it was a joke is a lie, anyone would know that that wasnt funny.
I cant only think that he was pretty drunk, was he? It was incredibly rude and offensive to both men and your friend, and ruined her evening.
I honestly dont know what to say. Has he ever flirted before? Got rude when he was drunk?

[bow595kt]

Originally Posted by chosen

wow, I am shocked, and I am not easily shoccked. My feeling is that if he isnt gay why didnt he flirt with the women there and not the men??His excuse that it was a joke is a lie, anyone would know that that wasnt funny.
I cant only think that he was pretty drunk, was he? It was incredibly rude and offensive to both men and your friend, and ruined her evening.
I honestly dont know what to say. Has he ever flirted before? Got rude when he was drunk?

He's never flirted or got rude when drunk before, he's just been a bit, well, er, he struggles to stand up, and goes rather quiet. He ain't flirted when drunk before.

However... since this was an engagement party and Karla (it's not her real name) is my close friend, what now?

Karla still insists we need to talk about this, but when?

I discovered on our computer he'd emailed Karla's fiance (he's a tradesman) and sent him an email to his business's address using our shared email address asking for underwear pics and selfies of him in his underpants, calling him a cocktease and a cockblocker.

[chosen]

He clearly has an attraction to men, otherwise why ask a man for picks of him in his underwear????He is acting terribly, this other man is engaged and clearly not interested in men. WHy is he being so rude and offensive to him, its terrible behaviour. Does he know that you found that email?

So firstly, no matter what he says he has an attraction to men. Secondly he is married to you so shouldnt be flirting with anyone, let alone asking them for such pictures. Thirdly, he is embarrassing you and causing trouble with you and your friends.Its hard to understand what on earth he thought he was doing saying all those things to her fiance at his engagement party, and you must have been terribly upset and embarrassed.

I would definitely speak to karla and see what she wants. It maybe she wants to tell you about his email and photo requests. You also need to find out what is going on with him, he may well deny it all, but its pretty clear that he fancies that guy. Not sure where that leaves you, you may need to have some good marriage counselling, especially if he still refuses to tell you the truth.
is your sex life ok? Does he seem to find women sexually attractive as well?

[bow595kt]

Originally Posted by chosen

He clearly has an attraction to men, otherwise why ask a man for picks of him in his underwear????He is acting terribly, this other man is engaged and clearly not interested in men. WHy is he being so rude and offensive to him, its terrible behaviour. Does he know that you found that email?

So firstly, no matter what he says he has an attraction to men. Secondly he is married to you so shouldnt be flirting with anyone, let alone asking them for such pictures. Thirdly, he is embarrassing you and causing trouble with you and your friends.Its hard to understand what on earth he thought he was doing saying all those things to her fiance at his engagement party, and you must have been terribly upset and embarrassed.

I would definitely speak to karla and see what she wants. It maybe she wants to tell you about his email and photo requests. You also need to find out what is going on with him, he may well deny it all, but its pretty clear that he fancies that guy. Not sure where that leaves you, you may need to have some good marriage counselling, especially if he still refuses to tell you the truth.
is your sex life ok? Does he seem to find women sexually attractive as well?

He does find women attractive, judging by the amount of times he's looked up "Brandi Glanville hot pics" on Google and pictures of Taylor Schilling on Google images a lot. Not quite Playboy... but still, it's porn I guess. So yeah.

Our sex life before now was as good as it could be even though I'm mom to a 3-year-old son.

I don't think he knows that I found that email. Equally, he's got a business trip out-of-state, he's off to Minnesota later on in the week for 3 nights, work trip (he travels sometimes) so I gotta find the time to discuss it with him.

I don't think Karla knows about that, she's not involved in her husband's business (well, not in work capacity or financially at least).

I found another weird thing - husband posted selfie of himself wearing a US-flag bikini in our SUV on some forum for SUV owners, it got loads of negative comments. So he's a crossdresser?? Never knew about that. Weird as hell, weird and odd. I also found a secret Instagram account of his with about 5 pics of him wearing bikinis and my lingerie, 1 of him wearing my crop top and bootyshorts and about 20 other pics of him in Boston city center, plus 1 of him photoshopped with a picture of Ted Cruz reading "CRUZ. 4 LIFE. CRUZ IS DA BOI FROM THE HOOD.". It was crudely photoshopped and looked awful. There was even a photo on his Instagram of him with a coffee cup facepalming in Starbucks and Comic sans text reading "some days you hate Uncle sam and his government... idiots.!!!"

He's also shown other odd behaviors- he wants to eat osso buco for breakfast alongside pancakes, he's never been into that food before, previously said it was for stupid rich people and Donald Trump, now he wants to eat osso buco as often as he can. He's also been obsessing over Selena Gomez's twitter page and the photos on it too.

I've also seen him ranting in the garden, to no-one, ranting about "that idiot called Donald Trump who should go to hell, he's an idiot, I hate him" (He says far worse than that, NOT death threats but I won't repeat it here... too NSFW).

I don't know what to do. Should also add that we have a 3-year-old son as well. I'm a mom and shouldnt have to worry about this.

[Raymond]

Sounds to me like he has attraction to both sexes. Marriage only works when your spouse is number one and with regard to sexuality only number one. I think he is playing with fire and is obviously feeding on a diet of this kind of stuff by the sound of it. It can be a kind of mental adultery. Our sexual drive should only be expressed in marriage not all over the place as in porn and the like.

I think you need to get to the bottom of it. Sounds to me like he could be reading or looking at the wrong stuff. You and we were shocked at the outburst and it does sound much more than a joke. Faithfulness is so important in marriage. Particularly the sexual side.

[bow595kt]

Originally Posted by Raymond

Sounds to me like he has attraction to both sexes. Marriage only works when your spouse is number one and with regard to sexuality only number one. I think he is playing with fire and is obviously feeding on a diet of this kind of stuff by the sound of it. It can be a kind of mental adultery. Our sexual drive should only be expressed in marriage not all over the place as in porn and then like.

I think you need to get to the bottom of it. Sounds to me like he could be reading or looking at the wrong stuff. You and we were shocked at the outburst and it does sound much more than a joke. Faithfulness is so important in marriage. Particularly the sexual side.

I don't really understand why he'd look at this sort of stuff on the Internet. How the hell do you explain the bikini-wearing/crossdressing and Donald Trump stuff?

Also, because it was an engagement party, does this risk Karla calling off the wedding, or relations turning sour between me and Karla?

[chosen]

not sure why karla would call off the wedding because of the way your husband acted? I would also think it odd if her fiance didnt tell her about what your husband did in sending his photos, unless they are both involved with this behaviour.
It does sound as if he is also a cross dresser as well, a normal guy wouldnt do that.

The way he looks at porn and seems obsessed with other women is also not right for a married man. It must make you feel unloved and hurt. Sounds to me as if you both need to communicate better and he needs to be honest and tell the truth, that may need to be done with a trained counselor. He may not agree of course, he wont want all this to come out, so you would need to tell him what you know, and take it from there. surely telling him that him looking at porn or at sexual photos of other women(or men) isnt acceptable is a first step.

[bow595kt]

Originally Posted by chosen

not sure why karla would call off the wedding because of the way your husband acted? I would also think it odd if her fiance didnt tell her about what your husband did in sending his photos, unless they are both involved with this behaviour.
It does sound as if he is also a cross dresser as well, a normal guy wouldnt do that.

The way he looks at porn and seems obsessed with other women is also not right for a married man. It must make you feel unloved and hurt. Sounds to me as if you both need to communicate better and he needs to be honest and tell the truth, that may need to be done with a trained counselor. He may not agree of course, he wont want all this to come out, so you would need to tell him what you know, and take it from there. surely telling him that him looking at porn or at sexual photos of other women(or men) isnt acceptable is a first step.

I don't know why Karla would call off the wedding, aside from the claim during the engagement party in which my husband said he'd had sex with her fiance and been sleeping with him for the past year or so. It sounds like BS to me; Karla's fiance is a nice guy, and he's also a dad to a 6-year-old daughter too so how's he gonna find the time for an affair?
I will try and get a counselor depending on when his work schedule is free, he ain't gonna like it, but still.
One other question. How do you explain the Instagram thing with the crossdressing pics and these pictures:

photoshopped with a picture of Ted Cruz reading "CRUZ. 4 LIFE. CRUZ IS DA BOI FROM THE HOOD.". It was crudely photoshopped and looked awful. There was even a photo on his Instagram of him with a coffee cup facepalming in Starbucks and Comic sans text reading "some days you hate Uncle sam and his government... idiots.!!!"

I don't really know why Comic Sans is a viral thing online, but still, how do you explain his Ted Cruz photoshop. On that same Instagram I found a photo of Donald Trump's head crudely photoshopped on Selena Gomez's bikini body, wth does he think he's doing? It got loads of negative and nasty comments about him (well, my husband, not just Donald).

[Raymond]

I confess I do not know what he is up to but I expect he has been feeding himself on this stuff, perhaps from the internet and is now doing it himself. He is getting a bad influence from somewhere. I don't know about the political stuff but the interest in crossdressing and gay stuff is troubling. So is the porn. You need to asess it and tackle it. You have quite a lot on your plate to find out if it's lies, truth or a joke. I rule out a joke as it has gone too far and does bely some interest in the subject. It is not a joke to say you have slept with someone's fiancee in public just before a wedding etc.

It is important that you find out what is happening fast and tackle it as best as you can.

[chosen]

ok you didnt say before that he claimed he had had an affair for a year with the other man, thats even worse. Its either true, in which case both you and she need to know the truth, or lying in which case its likely that neither she nor he will want to see your husband again, and you cant blame them can you.

The first thing you need to do it see her or speak to her on the phone asap to find out what she knows. The more you can find out the better.

I agree with raymond in that he is clearly filing his mind with porn and other dirt and filth. Unless he stops all that I am not sure the marriage can improve, and he clearly has some serious sexual issues.

If it is true about the affair, which is hard to believe but not impossible, then you will need to decide what you want to do.

[bow595kt]

I sent Karla back a text asking her when she was ready. I don't think it sounds at all likely that her fiance would have an affair with my husband, as it is, I've known Karla since I was 14, she's a really close friend.
I have tried to talk it over with my husband but he yelled at me, insisted "I'm not gay. Not bisexual. No fah-reaking way am I a gay dude. if I was a gay dude wouldnt I be living in NYC with the gay bros and not be with you?? Dammit, what are you thinking??"
He's been ignoring our son for this behavior, and on Friday night I found on the computer twenty pictures of different dudes wearing bikinis, it was unpleasant, he'd saved it as "Family Photos 000389" on the desktop.
I also found he'd left Twitter open in a tab on Chrome, he'd tried messaging Gigi Hadid about buying her used bikinis, yeuch, what the hell is he thinking, why would a dude who's married message a celebrity/Victoria's Secret model for swimwear/underwear that they've worn? I also found a tab open with a secret gmail where he'd emailed a woman in Canada asking her to come down and stay at our house, she said she's coming in two weeks time. WTH?? He didn't tell me this?? Is he having an affair?? I'm worried! and angry. I know a bit about Yosemite and browsers but am not a Mac expert... where should I go on this?

I suspect my husband was either being malicious or nasty saying that at the engagement party. But how do you explain the being thrown out the restaurant during the meal (everyone there)?

[chosen]

Originally Posted by bow595kt

I sent Karla back a text asking her when she was ready. I don't think it sounds at all likely that her fiance would have an affair with my husband, as it is, I've known Karla since I was 14, she's a really close friend.
I have tried to talk it over with my husband but he yelled at me, insisted "I'm not gay. Not bisexual. No fah-reaking way am I a gay dude. if I was a gay dude wouldnt I be living in NYC with the gay bros and not be with you?? Dammit, what are you thinking??"
He's been ignoring our son for this behavior, and on Friday night I found on the computer twenty pictures of different dudes wearing bikinis, it was unpleasant, he'd saved it as "Family Photos 000389" on the desktop.
I also found he'd left Twitter open in a tab on Chrome, he'd tried messaging Gigi Hadid about buying her used bikinis, yeuch, what the hell is he thinking, why would a dude who's married message a celebrity/Victoria's Secret model for swimwear/underwear that they've worn? I also found a tab open with a secret gmail where he'd emailed a woman in Canada asking her to come down and stay at our house, she said she's coming in two weeks time. WTH?? He didn't tell me this?? Is he having an affair?? I'm worried! and angry. I know a bit about Yosemite and browsers but am not a Mac expert... where should I go on this?

I suspect my husband was either being malicious or nasty saying that at the engagement party. But how do you explain the being thrown out the restaurant during the meal (everyone there)?

well they threw you out because of the fight surely?

Keep all the things you have found, see your friend and go from there. if you have all this stuff to show him he cant deny it, but no doubt he will try and give innocent explanations.
Its likely he will deny everything but its clear he is not acting as a married man should. He is acting appallingly to be honest. In a sick way. Unless he stops all this stuff, starts being honest and faithful to you and is repentant, then Its hard to see how the marriage can ever be good and healthy.

Ignoring the child because he is angry, is so immature and cruel to be honest.

Its possible this can be sorted with some counseling, but he has to want to, you may need to set conditions for you to stay together, such as no contacting other women, complete honesty about the cross dressing and his attraction to men, no porn of any sort, openness with his computer and phone, and porn blockers on both. He needs to know that you are not going to put up with all this any more. Trouble is he is feeding his obsessions and sexual deviances by looking on line, that needs to stop.

[bow595kt]

Originally Posted by chosen

well they threw you out because of the fight surely?

Keep all the things you have found, see your friend and go from there. if you have all this stuff to show him he cant deny it, but no doubt he will try and give innocent explanations.
Its likely he will deny everything but its clear he is not acting as a married man should. He is acting appallingly to be honest. In a sick way. Unless he stops all this stuff, starts being honest and faithful to you and is repentant, then Its hard to see how the marriage can ever be good and healthy.

Ignoring the child because he is angry, is so immature and cruel to be honest.

Its possible this can be sorted with some counseling, but he has to want to, you may need to set conditions for you to stay together, such as no contacting other women, complete honesty about the cross dressing and his attraction to men, no porn of any sort, openness with his computer and phone, and porn blockers on both. He needs to know that you are not going to put up with all this any more. Trouble is he is feeding his obsessions and sexual deviances by looking on line, that needs to stop.

He said he wanted to be with me, wanted to stay together after the rant about not being gay, but I also found a "smoking gun" of sorts on his iPhone; sexy messages exchanged between him and Taylor Swift including a bikini selfie of Taylor she sent to him which was a bit x-rated and some messages mentioning when they'd met before in person (I didn't know about that until now). Does the fact the "other woman" is a celebrity contribute to things? I also found he'd used our personal email for messaging Taylor too, conversations dating back to April 2014 at least, some too X-rated to mention here. How the hell did she get our personal email address and why is she messaging my husband? i asked my husband about this but he was unable to explain.
About porn blocking... much of the sites with these photos on are mostly celeb gossip sites, would that even qualify as porn? BTW, it's a shared computer with Yosemite, not his personal one.
One other question... why would he be messaging Gigi Hadid via her twitter page asking to buy her used underwear/swimwear? Isnt this a bit weird?

I have told him how I felt, he claimed he needed "some release from workday stress" but isn't that a BS excuse?
What should I do about the woman from Canada who's coming to stay at our house in two weeks time (she said she was staying for a week at our house, my husband invited her), the email contained pics of this woman in a bikini and a link to the car dealer she works at in Toronto, it was some .ca email address.
Now I know a bit more about these other women, my stress levels have gone up, not down. I'm worried over the whole thing, the fact he's been messaging celebs too only makes it worse. Should i worry about that factor?
I love my husband and this is our first major crisis in our marriage and I'm now feeling low, I only really have three major friends in my life and not a large support network; Karla, Janine (not her real name), Gabrielle (not her real name) and one sister who lives in Washington (not D.C., btw!) who I don't see as often now.

[Raymond]

Perhaps he's into celeb gossiping stuff rather than serious porn? Perhaps he gets a buzz from associating with the famous. The underwear part though sounds a bit fetishist and so does the Gay talk at the pre wedding meal. I can't understand why one woman is coming to stay with you though. What on earth will happen when she comes? It can't be an affair if you are there, so it sounds more about rubbing shoulders with celebrities maybe? Could this be business related some kind of publicity stunts? If it is it has gone way too far and is out of control.