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unless I commit myself to happiness, I won’t be able to look myself in the mirror. I haven’t yet worked out exactly how I’m going to achieve this, but it will probably involve me being a bit more selfish.
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Firstly, let me say that I have been in your shoes in a previous marriage.
And, I'll tell you what I did to restore my own sense of manhood and selfhood. I could not remain in the relationship with her and do that any longer.
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Forgiveness does not always restore relationship where the other sees it as a weakness.
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This is so very true. In fact, the relationship, if it is going to continue, must go forward on a basis of mutual respect. Seeing another's forgiveness as a weakness is disrespect. Raymond has delivered his usual good wisdom in the rest of his post. I cannot improve on what he told you.
I see your wife as being similar to mine in that she is completely unrepentant for her affair(s)
(yes, I think it's plural) and that she sees you as a "doormat" over which she can walk freely.
I had to stop hanging on to the idea that this was ever going to change. A scripture verse helped me considerably - right from the very end of the Book:
Revelation 22:11 (KJV)
He that is unjust, let him be unjust still: and he which is filthy, let him be filthy still: and he that is righteous, let him be righteous still: and he that is holy, let him be holy still.
Even with God, there does come a time when He shuts the door. He accepts that some people are going to continue in their filth, and writes them off.
I made the choice to remain physically in our home and to not seek a legal separation or a divorce. Mainly, because the lawyer told me that she would likely retain custody This would have subjected my sons to a never-ending onslaught of selfish and wayward men coming in and out of her life. Hers would have been their only example, with me gone. I wanted them to learn that men can live their lives for God in spite of what their wives do.
As to becoming more "selfish" ? Yes. That is precisely what I did. I stopped all intimacy with her, didn't even sleep in the same bed. I asked myself the question "...if your wedding were tomorrow, would you go to an altar and say "I do"..... or "I don't"..... - and my answer to that question was quite clear. There was no way in hell
I would marry her, knowing about her what I found out over time in the marriage.
She admitted later that she married me for my "qualities" - of being a "christian man", a "good provider", and a good father. But she was attracted to "bad boys".
So then, the "aha" moment came, for me. She was an entirely-selfish, self-centered person who had no respect for the rights and emotional well-being of others.
She was sexually attracted to men with the same attributes, however, she was "smart" enough to know that a marriage to one of these men would be a disaster.
Boy, did I ever have a gigantic "sucker" sign on my forehead.....
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I think, at some point, my wife and I are going to have to discuss all this.
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No, sir. For me, any "discussion" was OVER. I changed one of my jobs, she came to me and said "....don't I have a say in this?...." .... my answer was "...no. You no longer have any 'say' in what I do, where I go, why, or with whom I do it....I will keep a roof over your head, help you with the boys, earn your living, and will not share my body with other women, just like I promised, but you will not have a 'say'....if you want to divorce me, please, be my guest, however, you will find that you have absolutely no legal grounds whatsoever upon which you can do it.... "
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This will involve us (me) getting out of the massive rut we’re in
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Well, you've got it half-right. This will involve you getting out of the massive rut you're in, however, you must just let your wife remain in whatever rut she chooses to be in.
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My wife has had several affairs and desires them or can't help herself.
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Yes, sir. Your wife has had more than one affair. And, yes, sir, she desires them. And, no, sir, she can indeed "help herself", and it's high time for you to get out of the way. God is trying to shoot.