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Old 5th June 2011, 07:53 PM   #31
Chamomile
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 816
Re: A future after wife's affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by chris1729 View Post
She's 44 and I'm 43. We love each other very much.

These are the facts. Here's what I'm thinking:

Either:

1) My wife has had several affairs and desires them or can't help herself. If this is the case, our marriage is over.

2) This affair was her first. She thought she could control it but couldn't. She never really wanted to hurt me or be with this man but was flattered and excited by his attention.

Discuss!: I want to understand this situation.
Hi Chris I'm unable to figure out if you are in denial in some way about what happened?

If a woman loved her h deeply, I doubt she would be interested in cheating with another man. So it's difficult to understand when you say, "we love each other very much." at the beginning of the ot. This does not make any sense whatsoever, to be frank. Cheating is not a behaviour within a marriage where two people love one another.

I don't think it's hard to know basics of cheating without actually having had an experience of cheating. Yes, people cheat for different reasons but I doubt if anyone would stray if they "love each other very much". When people are happy with one another, I doubt, the thought of cheating would even come into their marriage.

Since your w started to tell you how unhappy she has been, here you go, you got the reason why. xx
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Old 31st August 2016, 06:07 PM   #32
chris1729
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Posts: 18
Re: A future after wife's affair?

Here I am, six years after the affair.

As the summer holidays approached, the affair came back to mind strongly, for some reason. It was more the implications of the affair, than the affair itself, notably the following two points:

1) She's probably been unfaithful before (or even since); one thing's for sure: I've no way of knowing.

2) She really enjoyed sex with him; with me, sex has been lacklustre at best- she's tried to convince me that she just has a low sex drive.

Well, we were going on holiday to a beautiful place, so I thought I'd try to shove it to the back of my mind, but that didn't work. I wouldn't say I thought about it all the time, but it was always there.

Now, recently, my wife has had some pain during sex, so obviously we've stopped having penetrative sex, which is fine. Before we went away, I gently suggested that we should explore other ways of enjoying sex together, and I did make a couple of clumsy attempts, but she responded in a way which suggested she’s uncomfortable with sex with me.

I’ve reached a certain point now: I can see how the affair could have been consigned to the past, and I can see that we, as a couple, have not taken that path. I feel regret at two things: firstly, that, before we got married, I didn’t tell her that our lacklustre sex life was unacceptable to me and, if that’s all she wanted, then we shouldn’t get married; secondly, that I didn’t allow myself to ‘feel’ the natural feelings which arose, six years ago, on discovering the affair.

I have started online counselling with Relate (UK). I don’t know how this will help, but I want to give it a go. I’ve also come to the realisation that, unless I commit myself to happiness, I won’t be able to look myself in the mirror. I haven’t yet worked out exactly how I’m going to achieve this, but it will probably involve me being a bit more selfish. I think, at some point, my wife and I are going to have to discuss all this. This will involve us (me) getting out of the massive rut we’re in, so I’m not expecting it to be easy.

I’m adding this comment in case it helps anyone else in a similar position to me, and I may well add to this thread again. Your thoughts, whatever they may be, are very welcome.
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Old 5th September 2016, 08:32 PM   #33
Raymond
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Re: A future after wife's affair?

Sounds to me that it was perhaps swept under the carpet at the time. You need to ask questions as it obviously has not been sorted. It also sounds to me that she does not regret the affair and that somehow she was switched on by it.

I don't think it is wrong to bring up things that have not been healed. At the time I would have hoped you were the type of person to say him or me without putting up with it. That might have brought her to her senses. As it is you need to bring it up at the appropriate time if she has not repented of it. I'm not sure if it wise to express forgiveness where there is no repentance even though I believe in forgiveness. Of course we should not be bitter about being wronged or taken advantage of but if the marriage is to hold it would have been better for there to be sincere repentance before the expression of forgiveness. Forgiveness does not always restore relationship where the other sees it as a weakness.
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Old 9th September 2016, 12:40 PM   #34
TJW
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Re: A future after wife's affair?

Quote:
unless I commit myself to happiness, I won’t be able to look myself in the mirror. I haven’t yet worked out exactly how I’m going to achieve this, but it will probably involve me being a bit more selfish.
Firstly, let me say that I have been in your shoes in a previous marriage.

And, I'll tell you what I did to restore my own sense of manhood and selfhood. I could not remain in the relationship with her and do that any longer.

Quote:
Forgiveness does not always restore relationship where the other sees it as a weakness.
This is so very true. In fact, the relationship, if it is going to continue, must go forward on a basis of mutual respect. Seeing another's forgiveness as a weakness is disrespect. Raymond has delivered his usual good wisdom in the rest of his post. I cannot improve on what he told you.

I see your wife as being similar to mine in that she is completely unrepentant for her affair(s)
(yes, I think it's plural) and that she sees you as a "doormat" over which she can walk freely.

I had to stop hanging on to the idea that this was ever going to change. A scripture verse helped me considerably - right from the very end of the Book:

Revelation 22:11 (KJV)

He that is unjust, let him be unjust still: and he which is filthy, let him be filthy still: and he that is righteous, let him be righteous still: and he that is holy, let him be holy still.

Even with God, there does come a time when He shuts the door. He accepts that some people are going to continue in their filth, and writes them off.

I made the choice to remain physically in our home and to not seek a legal separation or a divorce. Mainly, because the lawyer told me that she would likely retain custody This would have subjected my sons to a never-ending onslaught of selfish and wayward men coming in and out of her life. Hers would have been their only example, with me gone. I wanted them to learn that men can live their lives for God in spite of what their wives do.

As to becoming more "selfish" ? Yes. That is precisely what I did. I stopped all intimacy with her, didn't even sleep in the same bed. I asked myself the question "...if your wedding were tomorrow, would you go to an altar and say "I do"..... or "I don't"..... - and my answer to that question was quite clear. There was no way in hell
I would marry her, knowing about her what I found out over time in the marriage.

She admitted later that she married me for my "qualities" - of being a "christian man", a "good provider", and a good father. But she was attracted to "bad boys".
So then, the "aha" moment came, for me. She was an entirely-selfish, self-centered person who had no respect for the rights and emotional well-being of others.
She was sexually attracted to men with the same attributes, however, she was "smart" enough to know that a marriage to one of these men would be a disaster.

Boy, did I ever have a gigantic "sucker" sign on my forehead.....

Quote:
I think, at some point, my wife and I are going to have to discuss all this.
No, sir. For me, any "discussion" was OVER. I changed one of my jobs, she came to me and said "....don't I have a say in this?...." .... my answer was "...no. You no longer have any 'say' in what I do, where I go, why, or with whom I do it....I will keep a roof over your head, help you with the boys, earn your living, and will not share my body with other women, just like I promised, but you will not have a 'say'....if you want to divorce me, please, be my guest, however, you will find that you have absolutely no legal grounds whatsoever upon which you can do it.... "

Quote:
This will involve us (me) getting out of the massive rut we’re in
Well, you've got it half-right. This will involve you getting out of the massive rut you're in, however, you must just let your wife remain in whatever rut she chooses to be in.

Quote:
My wife has had several affairs and desires them or can't help herself.
Yes, sir. Your wife has had more than one affair. And, yes, sir, she desires them. And, no, sir, she can indeed "help herself", and it's high time for you to get out of the way. God is trying to shoot.

Last edited by TJW; 9th September 2016 at 12:57 PM.
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Old 10th September 2016, 10:40 AM   #35
Raymond
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Re: A future after wife's affair?

It must have been very hard for you TJW but you are well placed to give advice in these kinds of areas having lived through it.
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Old 6th December 2023, 09:08 PM   #36
chris1729
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 18
Re: A future after wife's affair?

An update.

13 years have passed since the affair. I'm still married, I still love my wife. However, I feel my marriage is like a millstone around my neck. I was misguided when I chose not to confront the issues regarding the affair, when it came to light all those years ago. The feelings haven't gone away. I'm not sure what my next steps should be.
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