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Old 3rd July 2016, 01:48 AM   #1
mshaw
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Join Date: Jul 2016
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Need some advice...

A few years ago my wife started having affairs with married men she would meet on Ashley Madison. She was unhappy with our marriage and suffering from depression. Her doctor was prescribing a high dosage of antidepressants which likely caused a hypomanic episode and elicited her promiscuous behaviour. She was later diagnosed as bipolar, and with medication, has been faithful.

When she was hypomanic she confined in her father. Although he did warn her of the consequences (he is a serial adulterer and on his third marriage, so he would know), I doubt her father believes that being faithful/honest is necessary in a marriage. In fact he told her that he was exploring Ashley Madison himself. Although he had many opportunities to intervene, he decided not to even if his daughter’s family was at risk.

After a while my wife’s guilt got the best of her and she confessed what happened. Though a lot of research and healing, I was able to truly understand it was the medically induced hypomania and not the fault of my wife. Given what her father did (or didn’t do), she stop speaking to him for five years. During that period of time he never tried to speak to her, me or our kids. He never tried to reconcile, explain himself or ask for forgiveness.

About a year ago, my wife heard he has prostate cancer. My wife believes he will soon die from it but he has had it for many years and I’ve read many men now live with this cancer. My wife decided to re-establish her relationship with him and this has now caused a substantial rift in our marriage. My wife and he never speak about what happened and her father continues to have no contact with our kids or myself.

Although I have a different opinion, I understand my wife feels she has a duty to her father. What is of great concern to me is how she can ignore what he did in that he disrespected not only the kids and myself but also that of his own daughter. At least she should express to him that what he did was wrong and failed to support his daughter when she needed him the most.

I am not trying to sabotage my wife’s relationship with her father. What I feel now is that if her own family is important to her that she would let her father know. I’m feeling my wife lacks empathy and is disrespecting our family. This is eating at me so much that I think after many years of healing, our marriage will end in failure.

I appreciate your thoughts because discussing this with family and friends would be very difficult.
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Old 3rd July 2016, 09:36 AM   #2
chosen
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Re: Need some advice...

I greatly admire you for staying after those affairs, not many could/would.

As for the rest, have you told her all this? what did she say?

Last edited by chosen; 3rd July 2016 at 10:20 AM.
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Old 3rd July 2016, 11:40 AM   #3
Muj
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Re: Need some advice...

Probably your wife see something in her dad that reminds her of herself. How would she be when she's getting old. And thats what pushed her to reconnect to her dad. Its just that, she should have explain to you about it instead of ignoring you.
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Old 3rd July 2016, 02:45 PM   #4
TJW
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Re: Need some advice...

This has nothing to do with your father-in-law. Your wife has been an adult for years, and should have had no need whatsoever for her father's moral compass. That's what CHILDREN need, but not adults.

Your father-in-law failed to teach his child what is right, and what is wrong. Yes, in that way, he is a failure, as well as in being morally turbid himself.

Quote:
I’m feeling my wife lacks empathy and is disrespecting our family.
Correct. But not by continuing a relationship with her father.

The affairs are ON HER, not him. And, these two things are the exact reason why your wife had those affairs. Yes, it is the ultimate form of disrespect a spouse can show a spouse. And, she obviously doesn't give a carpenter's damn how it made you feel.

It has nothing to do with bipolar or medication or psychiatry. My daughter is bipolar and has never had an affair. Countless other bipolar sufferers have also never had affairs, so bipolar cannot be blamed for adultery. Likewise, many have taken antidepressants and have not behaved in lewd and promiscuous ways. These things come from the SIN NATURE of human beings and are a CHOICE of the person who participates in them.

It is the job of parents to teach their children how to seek God for their moral compass. When the children are adults, it is their own responsibility to seek God for their moral compass, and the fact that they don't can no longer be blamed on the parents.

Quote:
I think after many years of healing, our marriage will end in failure.
No marriage ends in failure if there has been "healing". In your case, there is no "healing", because you and your wife are both living in denial of the TRUTH about her affairs. You are excusing her, and she is not "owning" her behavior and making amends, as we are instructed by the bible.
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Old 3rd July 2016, 03:54 PM   #5
chosen
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Re: Need some advice...

Quote:
Originally Posted by TJW View Post
This has nothing to do with your father-in-law. Your wife has been an adult for years, and should have had no need whatsoever for her father's moral compass. That's what CHILDREN need, but not adults.

Your father-in-law failed to teach his child what is right, and what is wrong. Yes, in that way, he is a failure, as well as in being morally turbid himself.



Correct. But not by continuing a relationship with her father.

The affairs are ON HER, not him. And, these two things are the exact reason why your wife had those affairs. Yes, it is the ultimate form of disrespect a spouse can show a spouse. And, she obviously doesn't give a carpenter's damn how it made you feel.

It has nothing to do with bipolar or medication or psychiatry. My daughter is bipolar and has never had an affair. Countless other bipolar sufferers have also never had affairs, so bipolar cannot be blamed for adultery. Likewise, many have taken antidepressants and have not behaved in lewd and promiscuous ways. These things come from the SIN NATURE of human beings and are a CHOICE of the person who participates in them.

It is the job of parents to teach their children how to seek God for their moral compass. When the children are adults, it is their own responsibility to seek God for their moral compass, and the fact that they don't can no longer be blamed on the parents.



No marriage ends in failure if there has been "healing". In your case, there is no "healing", because you and your wife are both living in denial of the TRUTH about her affairs. You are excusing her, and she is not "owning" her behavior and making amends, as we are instructed by the bible.
I have to agree with this, I have had severe depression and was on very high doses of antidepressants for many years, and never cheated and never would. I know its tempting to blame an illness or addiction for sin, but in the end we make choices. WAs she repentant for the affairs? Did she do everything she could to make it up to you and build the trust again?

Also its not right to blame her upbringing or her father, my dad had affairs and neither myself nor my brother have.
To make that decision to go onto a website that is specifically for married people to have affairs, isnt what someone who is drugged does, it takes cold, calculated thought and planning.

I wonder if some good marriage counseling may help.
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Old 3rd July 2016, 11:17 PM   #6
mshaw
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Re: Need some advice...

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
I have to agree with this, I have had severe depression and was on very high doses of antidepressants for many years, and never cheated and never would. I know its tempting to blame an illness or addiction for sin, but in the end we make choices. WAs she repentant for the affairs? Did she do everything she could to make it up to you and build the trust again?

Also its not right to blame her upbringing or her father, my dad had affairs and neither myself nor my brother have.
To make that decision to go onto a website that is specifically for married people to have affairs, isnt what someone who is drugged does, it takes cold, calculated thought and planning.

I wonder if some good marriage counseling may help.
I believe she is truly remorseful for what she did, otherwise the marriage would have failed at that point. Hypo-mania presents itself in many forms and promiscuous behavior is one of its ramifications. I'm not justifying her behavior as she knew at the time it was wrong but when you are manic you don't think the rules apply to you. And you are right, her father is not to blame for what she did because she knew it was wrong.

Marriage counseling was part of what helped to get us this far and she has mentioned it for this situation. Her position about duty to her father is very rigid so I'm not sure counseling will help and I'm just tried of it all and thinking it is best to just move on.
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Old 4th July 2016, 01:40 PM   #7
TJW
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Re: Need some advice...

Quote:
thinking it is best to just move on.
I believe there comes a time when a divorce becomes the "gnat" and the pain and suffering of a bad marriage becomes the "camel".

Your wife is believing in a lie, her "duty" is TO YOU FIRST. However, I agree with you, that it will be next to impossible to convince her of that, that's one that it seems God Himself has to take on. I'm not sure He succeeds, either.

There's one thing for certain. If your wife doesn't respect God, she surely is not going to respect you. And, as Dr. Phil so rightly states...."the most reliable predictor of a person's future behavior is his relevant past behavior..."
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