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Old 7th March 2015, 01:24 PM   #1
defeated
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Join Date: Mar 2015
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Unhappy Virgin User..

Hi
I've never been on to any sort of forum before, but as i feel desperate and yet don't want to burden friends/family and feel that non biassed opinions may be more helpful I thought i'd try.
I've been married for 8 years to someone i met on an online dating site. We were instantly attracted to one another and seemed to have loads in common and had the same background/interests, although i found some of his reactions peculiar....
When i first discussed the death of my father with him, when we were dating, he was extremely cold and clinical in his response, but i put that down to his medical training (he was a doctor, now works in industry).
We got married and i remember even the lead up to our marriage he was extremely stressed by work pressures.
He went to boarding school from a very young age and has a terrible/no relationship with his brother.
I come from a big family and i'm very close to my sisters and brothers but not close to my mother and my family has felt a bit fragmented since my father, who held us all together, died 15 years ago... but as i met him after the death of my father he never saw what we were like as a proper unit and is damming of my family when we have tiffs and in fact said he doesn't like or want to know my sisters.
When we first got married and just after we had our first child his job took us to America. Which i wasn't keen to do, but after a year of being there made wonderful friends and made it my life there.
I had 3 more children when were in America and we bought a house and it became home.
We had problems and had to see a marriage counsellor when we were there due to him putting the needs of a woman he worked with before mine. The marriage counselling went wrong when the counsellor brought in religion and he refused to go back.
When the relationship with the woman went sour and he snubbed her advances and so she caused all sorts of trouble and did her best to lose him his job, he decided he wanted to return to England.
I was in two minds. I was desperate to see old friends and family but had made a life in America and loved it.
He managed to find a job with a company who paid for us to return to the UK, but then was in a 'golden handcuff' position, where he had to work for them for 4 years or repay them the removal costs (which was enormous, for a family of six and a dog). (BTW, the dog, again was something i didn't want, but he did... i had enough on my plate being in a country with no support and four tiny children).
Anyway, we moved back to England - to an area where we had no friends or family, due to it being near his job and he HATED the job and was always travelling and extremely stressed and unhappy.
I got extremely down too and even had suicidal thoughts, being alone, with four children 6 years and under and no support network and a husband who was always away and very stressed and unhappy and non communicative when he was at home.
Sadly, his father died after a few months of us being in England.
I was very supportive to him and his mother with the loss of the father, even doing a reading at the funeral. I could empathise hugely, having been knocked sideways, losing my own father.
We then moved house to one we both loved and he fortunately was made redundant. I thought this would help, but he wanted to do nothing but play his playstation and wanted to do nothing with me or the children at all.
We started arguing a lot and i got further and further hurt by his lack of wanting to talk to me, or do anything i suggested like having a coffee together.
I encouraged him to do something he loved as he had all this time off work and a good payout and he decided to go on a fishing trip to Mexico for 10 days.
The night before he left we were burgled, whilst we were all asleep upstairs and i was a wreck.
He went on his fishing trip and was posting things on facebook like 'the best day of my life' while i was at home, not sleeping and turning in to a wreck. The police and one of my sisters were an enormous support, but he wasn't.
He came back and we were still arguing and so i decided to go for a 5 day break to Spain with my sister. We argued hideously just before i left. I had hoped that we might reconnect (absence makes the heart grow fonder etc).
I got home to the front door being locked and him being hugely hostile.
We started seeing a marriage counsellor, who i think seems to understand that he is complicated, but it doesn't seem to be helping our relationship.
I am defeated, i feel constant disappointment and just shattered. I can't sleep, i can't remember when we last had sex. I am confused as he does some things which seem so nice, like planning a night away for valentine's day, but then the second we're back at home is hostile to me.
I was planning a surprise party for his birthday, but then asked him what he would like to do and he said he wants to go off fishing to Mexico again. For some reason that has floored me and i can't stop crying.
I feel completely overlooked, undervalued and as though the more i do, the more he takes and doesn't give me kindness.
It's been 8 years and i desperately don't want to break my family up, but just don't know if i can remain in this sexless, uncommunicative, unloving relationship and feel as though it's crushing who i am.
I feel as though he has issues that he needs to resolve - the problems he has with his brother, stress and anger issues and don't know what i can do if he can't see he has any problems. I have asked if it's grief, but he's determined it's not.
I don't know what to do. I'm always walking on egg shells and i just want to be happy and feel loved and love in return.
Please help me with any suggestions. Please, i am so grateful of anyone taking the time to give me any perspective on what's going wrong or what i should do.
I don't want to be feeling so wretched 8 years from now.
As far as the children know everything is fine, thank goodness, but i'm not sure how long that can go on... it feels like years of me wanting to feel loved and just not.
Thank you for taking the time. I know this is very long, and there are also so many gaps that i've had to make so as not to write a novel and so it's not a true, clear picture, but hope this gives you an idea of the situation from my perspective anyway.
x
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Old 7th March 2015, 03:57 PM   #2
sambrooklands
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 55
Re: Virgin User..

Hi Defeated.
I want to offer some perspective as there are some parallells with my own life and marriage here.
Your husband clearly has deeply buried issues (as I did) that are manifesting themselves in a number of ways, and will continue to do so until he adresses them. You sound so supportive and have clearly made a great deal of sacrifices for what you believe is the greater good for your family.

If you were to call it a day on your marriage, ask yourself truthfully what do you think his response and true feelings would be?
Come back to me if/when you think you can answer this and I may possibly be able to share my experiences and give you a few pointers.
Sam
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Old 7th March 2015, 04:53 PM   #3
N654563
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 58
Re: Virgin User..

Quote:
Originally Posted by defeated View Post
Hi
I've never been on to any sort of forum before, but as i feel desperate and yet don't want to burden friends/family and feel that non biassed opinions may be more helpful I thought i'd try.
I've been married for 8 years to someone i met on an online dating site. We were instantly attracted to one another and seemed to have loads in common and had the same background/interests, although i found some of his reactions peculiar....
When i first discussed the death of my father with him, when we were dating, he was extremely cold and clinical in his response, but i put that down to his medical training (he was a doctor, now works in industry).
We got married and i remember even the lead up to our marriage he was extremely stressed by work pressures.
He went to boarding school from a very young age and has a terrible/no relationship with his brother.
I come from a big family and i'm very close to my sisters and brothers but not close to my mother and my family has felt a bit fragmented since my father, who held us all together, died 15 years ago... but as i met him after the death of my father he never saw what we were like as a proper unit and is damming of my family when we have tiffs and in fact said he doesn't like or want to know my sisters.
When we first got married and just after we had our first child his job took us to America. Which i wasn't keen to do, but after a year of being there made wonderful friends and made it my life there.
I had 3 more children when were in America and we bought a house and it became home.
We had problems and had to see a marriage counsellor when we were there due to him putting the needs of a woman he worked with before mine. The marriage counselling went wrong when the counsellor brought in religion and he refused to go back.
When the relationship with the woman went sour and he snubbed her advances and so she caused all sorts of trouble and did her best to lose him his job, he decided he wanted to return to England.
I was in two minds. I was desperate to see old friends and family but had made a life in America and loved it.
He managed to find a job with a company who paid for us to return to the UK, but then was in a 'golden handcuff' position, where he had to work for them for 4 years or repay them the removal costs (which was enormous, for a family of six and a dog). (BTW, the dog, again was something i didn't want, but he did... i had enough on my plate being in a country with no support and four tiny children).
Anyway, we moved back to England - to an area where we had no friends or family, due to it being near his job and he HATED the job and was always travelling and extremely stressed and unhappy.
I got extremely down too and even had suicidal thoughts, being alone, with four children 6 years and under and no support network and a husband who was always away and very stressed and unhappy and non communicative when he was at home.
Sadly, his father died after a few months of us being in England.
I was very supportive to him and his mother with the loss of the father, even doing a reading at the funeral. I could empathise hugely, having been knocked sideways, losing my own father.
We then moved house to one we both loved and he fortunately was made redundant. I thought this would help, but he wanted to do nothing but play his playstation and wanted to do nothing with me or the children at all.
We started arguing a lot and i got further and further hurt by his lack of wanting to talk to me, or do anything i suggested like having a coffee together.
I encouraged him to do something he loved as he had all this time off work and a good payout and he decided to go on a fishing trip to Mexico for 10 days.
The night before he left we were burgled, whilst we were all asleep upstairs and i was a wreck.
He went on his fishing trip and was posting things on facebook like 'the best day of my life' while i was at home, not sleeping and turning in to a wreck. The police and one of my sisters were an enormous support, but he wasn't.
He came back and we were still arguing and so i decided to go for a 5 day break to Spain with my sister. We argued hideously just before i left. I had hoped that we might reconnect (absence makes the heart grow fonder etc).
I got home to the front door being locked and him being hugely hostile.
We started seeing a marriage counsellor, who i think seems to understand that he is complicated, but it doesn't seem to be helping our relationship.
I am defeated, i feel constant disappointment and just shattered. I can't sleep, i can't remember when we last had sex. I am confused as he does some things which seem so nice, like planning a night away for valentine's day, but then the second we're back at home is hostile to me.
I was planning a surprise party for his birthday, but then asked him what he would like to do and he said he wants to go off fishing to Mexico again. For some reason that has floored me and i can't stop crying.
I feel completely overlooked, undervalued and as though the more i do, the more he takes and doesn't give me kindness.
It's been 8 years and i desperately don't want to break my family up, but just don't know if i can remain in this sexless, uncommunicative, unloving relationship and feel as though it's crushing who i am.
I feel as though he has issues that he needs to resolve - the problems he has with his brother, stress and anger issues and don't know what i can do if he can't see he has any problems. I have asked if it's grief, but he's determined it's not.
I don't know what to do. I'm always walking on egg shells and i just want to be happy and feel loved and love in return.
Please help me with any suggestions. Please, i am so grateful of anyone taking the time to give me any perspective on what's going wrong or what i should do.
I don't want to be feeling so wretched 8 years from now.
As far as the children know everything is fine, thank goodness, but i'm not sure how long that can go on... it feels like years of me wanting to feel loved and just not.
Thank you for taking the time. I know this is very long, and there are also so many gaps that i've had to make so as not to write a novel and so it's not a true, clear picture, but hope this gives you an idea of the situation from my perspective anyway.
x
Hi Defeated. You sound like you are having a terrible time and I really feel for you. I am sure that you will find some good and honest advice from the people on this site as they have no personal connection with you both and will have no agenda apart from trying to help.

It sounds to me that you have made much effort and made many sacrifices to make the your husband happy and your marriage work, but it appears that it has been very one sided with not much back in return from him. From your description he comes across as being very selfish in his actions with little consideration for your feelings. I am sure that having four young children must be hard for both of you and and I speak of that with my own experiences of four kids. It takes a huge amount of time and energy to be a good parent and will often leave you exhausted with little interest in many of the things you did as a couple before the kids arrived. It sounds encouraging that he is still thoughtful enough to take you away for valentines etc but the hostility that you face at home is worrying.

The situation is clearly making you very un-happy and rightly so and the only advice that I can give you is to try and break the barriers down and talk honestly with him about how you are feeling and your relationship. Have you told him how un-happy you are? I know when my wife dropped the bombshell on me recently I was stupidly ignorant of how she felt and was so focused on providing a solid base for my kids that I neglected her feelings...not intentionally but I just got lazy and comfortable and didn't realise until it was too late. In my opinion it is better to try by speaking to each other than say nothing and let the resentment build up. Good luck!
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Old 7th March 2015, 06:19 PM   #4
defeated
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 54
Re: Virgin User..

Hi there
Enormous thank you to you both for taking the time to read my post and respond. It made me feel so much better that, as men, you can see that i'm very giving in my relationship and attitude towards my husband and family.
I have talked and talked and talked to my husband, as I said we have been to marriage counselling whilst living in America and more recently, since he was made redundant, which I thought would bring him the contentness and happiness that I feel I'm always waiting for him to find. He knows I'm very unhappy and I have asked him repeatedly what I am doing that could cause him to be so distant, unaffectionate and unkind. We have talked in depth in counselling and yet I feel as though nothing gets through. He can't give me any feedback on what I'm doing wrong and just gets angry and takes even me saying i feel unloved or overlooked as a huge attack and insult.
No matter how gently i try to tell him i'm unhappy it nearly always errupts in to him getting really angry and then turns in to a huge argument.
It is really hard having four little ones, but I feel as though i give my all to them and i don't know if he slightly resents me being so focussed on the children as he seems irritated if he wants to talk to me about his day and i have to go and wipe someone who's done a 'number 2' or dish up supper etc.
He sleeps so much, that once the children are up, i've cooked us a meal, he just wants to eat that in front of the tv and then sleep.
I find it very hard as I have little adult companionship and so find it hard that we don't talk at all as when i'm able to chat he doesn't want to because he seems to feel snubbed about the fact i'm tending to the children.
He has just announced he wants to go off on a 10 day trip to Mexico again over the Summer and I'm really upset about it. It feels as though he's an island that will do as he pleases and gets very angry if i suggest he needs to curtail his needs because he's part of a family with very little children.
I used to be a big party girl and yet obviously have had to change my needs for the fact I have children.
I'm sure i sound whiney (which is what my husband has taken to saying i am recently).
I really value your feedback and any direction or insight any of you can give me is hugely appreciated.
Thank you.
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Old 7th March 2015, 06:52 PM   #5
sambrooklands
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Posts: 55
Re: Virgin User..

I would say your husband is clinically depressed. The fact that he is distant, and also sleeps alot could also lead to this. I was in a very similar situation a couple of years ago, and after years of my depression ( and having an autistic son in the mix as well) my wife gave me a firm ultimatum to sort my depression out or it was over. I was sent into the spare room for a good few months and it was hell. This forced me to get help as i could not cope with losing them all. I was diagnosed with depression and undertook a strict plan of medication, exercise and positive changes to my life. Little by little things started to improve, and 2 years on although i still suffer with ocd, my life is on the whole so much better for us all. What I am trying to say here is that you show some 'tough love ' to your hisband, stick your ground, and give him also an ultimatum (with no guaranteees at this stage) to get help for his depression. As an ex public school guy, successful career etc etc myself i can fully relate to his desire to achieve, however it is now time to look closer to home. An ultimatum may make him hit rock bottom for a few weeks, but i think you need to do that to start coming back up again. Be honest with yourself also. Are you depressed (i would expect you to be) and if so get help yourself from the GP. I can recommend fluoxetine as it is gentle Non addictive and manageable. Do either of you drink much alcohol?
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Old 7th March 2015, 08:14 PM   #6
defeated
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Join Date: Mar 2015
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Re: Virgin User..

Quote:
Originally Posted by N654563 View Post
Hi Defeated. You sound like you are having a terrible time and I really feel for you. I am sure that you will find some good and honest advice from the people on this site as they have no personal connection with you both and will have no agenda apart from trying to help.

It sounds to me that you have made much effort and made many sacrifices to make the your husband happy and your marriage work, but it appears that it has been very one sided with not much back in return from him. From your description he comes across as being very selfish in his actions with little consideration for your feelings. I am sure that having four young children must be hard for both of you and and I speak of that with my own experiences of four kids. It takes a huge amount of time and energy to be a good parent and will often leave you exhausted with little interest in many of the things you did as a couple before the kids arrived. It sounds encouraging that he is still thoughtful enough to take you away for valentines etc but the hostility that you face at home is worrying.

The situation is clearly making you very un-happy and rightly so and the only advice that I can give you is to try and break the barriers down and talk honestly with him about how you are feeling and your relationship. Have you told him how un-happy you are? I know when my wife dropped the bombshell on me recently I was stupidly ignorant of how she felt and was so focused on providing a solid base for my kids that I neglected her feelings...not intentionally but I just got lazy and comfortable and didn't realise until it was too late. In my opinion it is better to try by speaking to each other than say nothing and let the resentment build up. Good luck!
Quote:
Originally Posted by sambrooklands View Post
I would say your husband is clinically depressed. The fact that he is distant, and also sleeps alot could also lead to this. I was in a very similar situation a couple of years ago, and after years of my depression ( and having an autistic son in the mix as well) my wife gave me a firm ultimatum to sort my depression out or it was over. I was sent into the spare room for a good few months and it was hell. This forced me to get help as i could not cope with losing them all. I was diagnosed with depression and undertook a strict plan of medication, exercise and positive changes to my life. Little by little things started to improve, and 2 years on although i still suffer with ocd, my life is on the whole so much better for us all. What I am trying to say here is that you show some 'tough love ' to your hisband, stick your ground, and give him also an ultimatum (with no guaranteees at this stage) to get help for his depression. As an ex public school guy, successful career etc etc myself i can fully relate to his desire to achieve, however it is now time to look closer to home. An ultimatum may make him hit rock bottom for a few weeks, but i think you need to do that to start coming back up again. Be honest with yourself also. Are you depressed (i would expect you to be) and if so get help yourself from the GP. I can recommend fluoxetine as it is gentle Non addictive and manageable. Do either of you drink much alcohol?
Wow, what an amazing response, it was so close to the bone.
I have suspected he's depressed in some way and when i've talked to friends, they have come up with the suggestion that he is.
I have suggested to him that because of his grief he isn't right and seems to have an underlying anger bubbling a lot of the time. I have suggested before that he's depressed and it just gets him angry - he says that i'm just putting all the blame on him for our problems and he's completely fine.
He gets so angry about people at work and situations, like extra marital affairs, which are nothing to do with him and we've had full blown arguments about people i've never even met and couldn't care less about and always tell him to just let it go over his head, but he gets so angry with me for not being angry about it.
We do drink, but not excessively and smoke too and he does zero exercise.
I genuinely don't think i'm depressed, although i have had bouts in the past and so know how bad it can be, but i think there are many forms and i've had crashes due to circumstances (this being one, but i think i'm more balanced in general and so i'm trying to not allow myself to be dragged down by it). I am honestly a really happy person, make friends easily and laugh when i can and I have to be happy for my children and so that sort of forces you not to be depressed when you have these little forces of nature being a pain, but adorable too, around you the whole time.
I think there are many forms of depression though - and when I go in that direction it's usually a crash. I try to be pretty healthy and go to the gym regularly, which i think also fends it off.
He refuses to see or even entertain the idea he could be depressed, which scares me that if i did offer an ultimatum he'd just see red and it was just get seriously nasty.
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Old 7th March 2015, 09:41 PM   #7
sambrooklands
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Re: Virgin User..

For those of us that have depression, we have all been in denial about being depressed so please book an appt with your GP - it is amazing what help is available out there via them. What part of the UK are you in? I am in Scotland, and the mental health services up here are second to none! It sounds to me that you are in a borderline abusive relationship. Name calling (saying you are whiney) and what concens me most is your fear of him 'seeing red and getting nasty' if you try to put pressure on him getting help. Be assured, things will not get better without him getting help for his depression. You must not live in fear of his reaction as this is an unequal relationship and no basis for security. Try putting a little pressure on him getting help in a safe place, such as in a counciling session - it is for his benefit after all! You cannot carry on in this trapped state of affairs. One thing that helped me in recovery was giving up booze completely. There is no one single golden ticket in repairing such situations - it is always a number of small improvements all working together. Give up alcohol for 3 months....completely. You will feel the benefit for sure, and to be brutally honest if you cannot do this, then maybe you are a too dependant on it, which needs adressing as well. From my own experience, in times of stress, alcohol seems a relaxent, but it is a poison.....belive me. Chocolate, nice food , anything (even cigarettes as now is not the time to give up...that can wait for now.) but avoid booze. Please.
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Old 8th March 2015, 02:06 PM   #8
N654563
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Thumbs up Re: Virgin User..

Quote:
Originally Posted by sambrooklands View Post
For those of us that have depression, we have all been in denial about being depressed so please book an appt with your GP - it is amazing what help is available out there via them. What part of the UK are you in? I am in Scotland, and the mental health services up here are second to none! It sounds to me that you are in a borderline abusive relationship. Name calling (saying you are whiney) and what concens me most is your fear of him 'seeing red and getting nasty' if you try to put pressure on him getting help. Be assured, things will not get better without him getting help for his depression. You must not live in fear of his reaction as this is an unequal relationship and no basis for security. Try putting a little pressure on him getting help in a safe place, such as in a counciling session - it is for his benefit after all! You cannot carry on in this trapped state of affairs. One thing that helped me in recovery was giving up booze completely. There is no one single golden ticket in repairing such situations - it is always a number of small improvements all working together. Give up alcohol for 3 months....completely. You will feel the benefit for sure, and to be brutally honest if you cannot do this, then maybe you are a too dependant on it, which needs adressing as well. From my own experience, in times of stress, alcohol seems a relaxent, but it is a poison.....belive me. Chocolate, nice food , anything (even cigarettes as now is not the time to give up...that can wait for now.) but avoid booze. Please.
I completely agree on the alcohol part. I don't drink large quantities or even regularly but I like an odd social drink every now again. But on a couple of occasions over the past two weeks I have drunk too much and although I thought it might make me feel better and forget about my problems, it doesn't, it only made me feel much worse. I didn't sleep well afterwards and I even had slightly harmful thoughts towards myself....not good! I have made the decision that I won't drink anything until I am in a better state of mind and less miserable about my situation. I am sure that if you are suffering from depression then those feelings must be exaggerated with alcohol. It is difficult though to even suggest to him to stop drinking because he will only take that as a negative. Please be careful that the emotional abuse that you are suffering does not become physical. As Sam says there is no excuse in the world for that to happen.
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Old 9th March 2015, 09:19 AM   #9
defeated
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Re: Virgin User..

Quote:
Originally Posted by sambrooklands View Post
For those of us that have depression, we have all been in denial about being depressed so please book an appt with your GP - it is amazing what help is available out there via them. What part of the UK are you in? I am in Scotland, and the mental health services up here are second to none! It sounds to me that you are in a borderline abusive relationship. Name calling (saying you are whiney) and what concens me most is your fear of him 'seeing red and getting nasty' if you try to put pressure on him getting help. Be assured, things will not get better without him getting help for his depression. You must not live in fear of his reaction as this is an unequal relationship and no basis for security. Try putting a little pressure on him getting help in a safe place, such as in a counciling session - it is for his benefit after all! You cannot carry on in this trapped state of affairs. One thing that helped me in recovery was giving up booze completely. There is no one single golden ticket in repairing such situations - it is always a number of small improvements all working together. Give up alcohol for 3 months....completely. You will feel the benefit for sure, and to be brutally honest if you cannot do this, then maybe you are a too dependant on it, which needs adressing as well. From my own experience, in times of stress, alcohol seems a relaxent, but it is a poison.....belive me. Chocolate, nice food , anything (even cigarettes as now is not the time to give up...that can wait for now.) but avoid booze. Please.
It is impossible for me to book him an appointment with our GP without his agreement and there is no way that he'd go as he genuinely doesn't think he's depressed at all. I know i am unhappy about my situation but I've suffered bouts as I said in the past and I'm not depressed at the moment, just consumed and upset with the state of my marriage and scared about it ever getting to be how i want.
I am confident that violence would never be something I worry about, however the mental stuff is very hard to deal with - in a way actual physical abuse is something that you have that's solid to say is unnacceptable and with this treatment you're left doubting yourself about whether you are actually being unreasonable or not.
I am interested to find out if your experience of public school had an impact on you as a grown up and how that affected you. Were you a boarder? From what age?
I had a lot of unsettled times growing up and was also at boarding school myself, from 11, but I am sure it's different for girls to go to school and I had a wonderful experience of it. I am very in touch and open with my emotions and so i find it easy to express myself, but I know for men, your natural default is to shut down and not want to address your feelings.
Alcohol, is really something that's only around really at weekends - my husband might have the odd glass in the week, but I do not drink during the week and so it's literally a glass here or there. I am not sure he would ever stop for a while partly because he doesn't think he has any reason to and partly because he has a lot of meetings and dinners through work which often involve alcohol... again i don't think too much and I would be very open to trying it, but convincing someone not to do something they enjoy when they don't see it having any impact on them is very hard.
We are in the South East, I have no idea what the services are like for depression etc. I appreciate your advice and suggestions hugely, thank you both.
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Old 9th March 2015, 10:57 AM   #10
chosen
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Re: Virgin User..

YOu may need to just come out and say that unless things change the marriage is over.
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Old 9th March 2015, 02:00 PM   #11
sambrooklands
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Re: Virgin User..

Defeated: I hated my school as it was violent and abusive, and to be honest there are quite possibly buried issues with your husband here. My personal experiences were painful and did not come out and get dealt with until last year, when I had to give evidence in a major court case. Rather than go into long rambling details on it, Google St. Ambrose College abuse Altrincham and that will give you an idea of what I went through. I am now 41 and it was buried for over 20 years. Your husband has alot of issues and needs to pick then off one by one.
I am now going to be brutally honest with you as when I was not well, those that were so with me I can now see were the dearest to me....
'a few glasses' or 'only at weekends'.... these are classic phrases from depressed people on the slippery slope. I am not against alcohol at all as I am quite happy in the company of others that drink socially however i am not convinced you have a grip on this. If it is only the odd glass, you can give it up for three months then can't you.........? (be honest with yourself if not me)

You are being manipulated and living in fear of your husband. I am sure he is not a monster or a bad man, just someone with issues as i was. But you need to bring this to a head and quickly or else each week that passes will create more tension, more frustration, more anger, and more mistrust. Will he see a councillor where you can give him an ultimatum to seek help.? Another good option is for you to see a councillor on your own for help in putting together a plan. You sound so loyal, so loving and you are magnificent in standing by him and your family, but do please take this opportunity in pushing on for help.... Possibly the first and hardest step was coming on here, however you have done it so now keep the monentum, as there is every chance this time next year you could be looking back on this week being the point you turned things around for the better.
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Old 9th March 2015, 09:29 PM   #12
N654563
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 58
Re: Virgin User..

Quote:
Originally Posted by sambrooklands View Post
Defeated: I hated my school as it was violent and abusive, and to be honest there are quite possibly buried issues with your husband here. My personal experiences were painful and did not come out and get dealt with until last year, when I had to give evidence in a major court case. Rather than go into long rambling details on it, Google St. Ambrose College abuse Altrincham and that will give you an idea of what I went through. I am now 41 and it was buried for over 20 years. Your husband has alot of issues and needs to pick then off one by one.
I am now going to be brutally honest with you as when I was not well, those that were so with me I can now see were the dearest to me....
'a few glasses' or 'only at weekends'.... these are classic phrases from depressed people on the slippery slope. I am not against alcohol at all as I am quite happy in the company of others that drink socially however i am not convinced you have a grip on this. If it is only the odd glass, you can give it up for three months then can't you.........? (be honest with yourself if not me)

You are being manipulated and living in fear of your husband. I am sure he is not a monster or a bad man, just someone with issues as i was. But you need to bring this to a head and quickly or else each week that passes will create more tension, more frustration, more anger, and more mistrust. Will he see a councillor where you can give him an ultimatum to seek help.? Another good option is for you to see a councillor on your own for help in putting together a plan. You sound so loyal, so loving and you are magnificent in standing by him and your family, but do please take this opportunity in pushing on for help.... Possibly the first and hardest step was coming on here, however you have done it so now keep the monentum, as there is every chance this time next year you could be looking back on this week being the point you turned things around for the better.
wow, great reply and i can only agree with everything said here.
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Old 9th March 2015, 10:10 PM   #13
defeated
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 54
Re: Virgin User..

Quote:
Originally Posted by sambrooklands View Post
Defeated: I hated my school as it was violent and abusive, and to be honest there are quite possibly buried issues with your husband here. My personal experiences were painful and did not come out and get dealt with until last year, when I had to give evidence in a major court case. Rather than go into long rambling details on it, Google St. Ambrose College abuse Altrincham and that will give you an idea of what I went through. I am now 41 and it was buried for over 20 years. Your husband has alot of issues and needs to pick then off one by one.
I am now going to be brutally honest with you as when I was not well, those that were so with me I can now see were the dearest to me....
'a few glasses' or 'only at weekends'.... these are classic phrases from depressed people on the slippery slope. I am not against alcohol at all as I am quite happy in the company of others that drink socially however i am not convinced you have a grip on this. If it is only the odd glass, you can give it up for three months then can't you.........? (be honest with yourself if not me)

You are being manipulated and living in fear of your husband. I am sure he is not a monster or a bad man, just someone with issues as i was. But you need to bring this to a head and quickly or else each week that passes will create more tension, more frustration, more anger, and more mistrust. Will he see a councillor where you can give him an ultimatum to seek help.? Another good option is for you to see a councillor on your own for help in putting together a plan. You sound so loyal, so loving and you are magnificent in standing by him and your family, but do please take this opportunity in pushing on for help.... Possibly the first and hardest step was coming on here, however you have done it so now keep the monentum, as there is every chance this time next year you could be looking back on this week being the point you turned things around for the better.
Thanks for your response.
I did look up what you've been through and just shudder to think what school life must have been like for you. I'm so sorry you've been through something so traumatic and can only imagine the devastation it caused for such a long time. Just hideous - there are no words and the though that these sick people in authority can violate children is completely sickening.
It sounds as though you've been on such a journey to get to where you are now and you should be thoroughly proud of your openness and honestly and know that you are helping others through the man you are now.

I have just returned from a meeting with the marriage counsellor. I was going alone but my husband decided to come with me in the end, which indicates he really does want to make things work.
It was a really horrible, stomach churning meeting. I said exactly how i'm feeling and it got a bit heated and I also brought up a traumatic incident that happened to him when he was young and how that could perhaps be causing him to react the way he is. He is fuming and won't speak to me.
I said that i'm not sure i can carry on in our marriage unless he addresses his issues, but he is completely defensive and sees it as me attacking him and is refusing to accept his past or any experiences have had any effect on him and that he has any issues to work on.
I wasn't brave enough to outright say I would leave him unless he does it - I was sort of building up to it and then our time ran out.
He is going away on a business trip for a week in a couple of days and so I hope he'll think about a few things that are said - but I think his anger about me forcing him in to a corner, as he put it, might just make him stay in the place he is.
I will go back to the counsellor alone and ask advice about how to handle things as she obviously knows us both.
It's so frustrating as I know that if he would just face up to things and accept that he has issues that he needs to deal with we would be wonderful.

I so appreciate your kindness and thought and taking the time to respond to me.

You're right that to get to the point I'm on this forum, shows that there are serious issues that I need to face up to in myself.

Thank you so much for your support. You have no idea how much it's appreciated and being able to talk to people who are unbiassed (although ofcourse only hearing my side of the story) and have such supportive advice and suggestions.
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Old 10th March 2015, 12:24 AM   #14
sambrooklands
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 55
Re: Virgin User..

Well done! It really sounds like you are making progress. Of course your husband is going to feel under threat with your suggestions of him getting help (I was for years!)
A step at a time as they say, and you have taken some pretty big ones in the last week or so...

I travel away on business alot in UK and abroad, and I find it exhausting. Spending a great deal of time hanging around airports and hotels is certainly not good for the soul. (and I mean that in a non religious way, as St Ambrose turned me right off the church, howver that is another story..!) Is your husband any good at dealing with Airports, hotels travel etc? How does he spend his time in evenings etc when in hotels - does he call home every night ?
Seeing the councilor on your own is an excellent plan, and grab with both hands any advice they can offer in giving your husband an incentive to seek help
Keep up the good work - you are a star. Keep talking and keep in touch. We are all in this together in our own unique ways.
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Old 11th March 2015, 12:16 AM   #15
defeated
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 54
Re: Virgin User..

Absolutely panicking about whether i'm doing the right thing.
I know that I can't go on as it is, but it feels as though i'm going down a road i don't want, although i can't carry on as things are.
I would swear a lot, but don't know if this site allows it (haha, the shock has made me delirious).
Woah. I'm in shock.
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