Right or wrong ? - 2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums

ralfgarnett · 9th March 2015, 06:49 PM

As many of you know I have been separated from my w/s since last summer, just recently a female friend of mine has also gone through an out of the blue breakup with her partner, well to cut to the chase she and I have been spending time together purely as friends, she has been to my house for lunch and drinks and I have been to hers for the same, basically we are company for each other and are supporting each other through these bad times in our lives, we even went out at the weekend for a drink and a chat and had a nice time together, but even though we are just friends I am still a married man so my question is this, is it morally right that I see this lady as we do purely platonically ? as I said I am still married and took my vows very seriously but I didn't ask for this situation I loved / still love my wife but it was her that walked away not me I would never of left her I would of stayed and fought for our marriage she chose not to, maybe I'm being overly sensitive but is my friendship with this very pretty girl appropriate or inappropriate in my situation ?

N654563 · 9th March 2015, 08:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

As many of you know I have been separated from my w/s since last summer, just recently a female friend of mine has also gone through an out of the blue breakup with her partner, well to cut to the chase she and I have been spending time together purely as friends, she has been to my house for lunch and drinks and I have been to hers for the same, basically we are company for each other and are supporting each other through these bad times in our lives, we even went out at the weekend for a drink and a chat and had a nice time together, but even though we are just friends I am still a married man so my question is this, is it morally right that I see this lady as we do purely platonically ? as I said I am still married and took my vows very seriously but I didn't ask for this situation I loved / still love my wife but it was her that walked away not me I would never of left her I would of stayed and fought for our marriage she chose not to, maybe I'm being overly sensitive but is my friendship with this very pretty girl appropriate or inappropriate in my situation ?

Ralf, as far as I am concerned you are doing absolutely nothing wrong. You will both find it to be a great help and comfort to be able to talk to someone who has faced similar troubles and be supportive and understanding of each other. You are honest enough to say that you see this lady as purely a platonic friend and of course there is nothing wrong with that, we are allowed friends of the opposite sex. Enjoy each others company and make the most of the fact that it will help you to take your mind off your wife and will get you out of the house and active again, but just be careful that you don't start to develop feelings other than friendship because i think it sounds like it could be too soon for you both. Good luck mate and start to enjoy life again.

sambrooklands · 9th March 2015, 08:17 PM

Enjoy it and take it as it comes. What will be will be, and in the meantime cut yourself some slack and be thankful that you are starting to rebuild your life again.

ralfgarnett · 9th March 2015, 08:20 PM

Thanks N6 yes we talk a lot and have had many a cry and laugh together recently, neither of us is in anyway ready or even thinking about relationships with each other or anyone else we have just bonded quite well and have promised to help each other the best that we can to get through our bad times, we have known each other a long time she knows my wife and I knew her partner and we all got on well, but now our partners have gone so we just watch out for each other.

chosen · 9th March 2015, 08:25 PM

One problem may come if one of you wants more than the other. So you may not want anything more than friendship, while she may come to want more and get very hurt. Or visa versa. There is also the danger that you will have a rebound relationship with each other, and use each other intentionally or unintentionally to fill that gap that the break ups have caused, and they rarely last.

Its not for me to say what you should do, but you are still very hurt and damaged by your wife leaving, and are in no way ready for another relationship, but if you are both able to just see each other from time to time as merely friends(and it may be a good idea to meet outside the house only) and she is totally clear that you dont want anything more, then why not?

I met my husband when he was still married, but his wife was divorcing him, and the divorce was under way, and sex was out of the question so there would be no adultery(we dont believe in sex outside marriage anyway) so it didnt get too serious until the divorce was complete. He wasnt so emotionally hurt as you because they had already previously had a one year separation, and he hadnt been happy with her for years.

Just be very careful.

N654563 · 9th March 2015, 08:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

Thanks N6 yes we talk a lot and have had many a cry and laugh together recently, neither of us is in anyway ready or even thinking about relationships with each other or anyone else we have just bonded quite well and have promised to help each other the best that we can to get through our bad times, we have known each other a long time she knows my wife and I knew her partner and we all got on well, but now our partners have gone so we just watch out for each other.

Ralf, that is great. Enjoy it for what it is and take comfort in that someone is now there for you as you can be for her.

ralfgarnett · 9th March 2015, 08:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chosen

One problem may come if one of you wants more than the other. So you may not want anything more than friendship, while she may come to want more and get very hurt. Or visa versa. There is also the danger that you will have a rebound relationship with each other, and use each other intentionally or unintentionally to fill that gap that the break ups have caused, and they rarely last.

Its not for me to say what you should do, but you are still very hurt and damaged by your wife leaving, and are in no way ready for another relationship, but if you are both able to just see each other from time to time as merely friends(and it may be a good idea to meet outside the house only) and she is totally clear that you dont want anything more, then why not?

I met my husband when he was still married, but his wife was divorcing him, and the divorce was under way, and sex was out of the question so there would be no adultery(we dont believe in sex outside marriage anyway) so it didnt get too serious until the divorce was complete. He wasnt so emotionally hurt as you because they had already previously had a one year separation, and he hadnt been happy with her for years.

Just be very careful.

yes thank you I promise I will be very careful we both know where we stand and she and I have both said that we feel damaged by our experiences, there is nothing in it apart from a bit of fun there has been no hanky panky and as far as we are both concerned it will stay that way. she is very hurt as I am very hurt and we are only spending innocent time togtether and looking out for each other, but I would love to have my wife back I have been thinking about her a lot today and have been pining for her a lot today, but Monday is counselling day and todays session was particularly tough I had to face up to things today that scared me and the fall out of that is that I have felt it inside all day, I wish she was here I wish she would talk with me, I did nothing wrong and there is no good reason why she shouldn't be here in our marital home.

notDoneYet · 9th March 2015, 08:45 PM

I don't for one minute think this is wrong or inappropriate, as long as you are careful. I personally think this could be good for you mate. You are getting a life. Moving on. Good for you.

ralfgarnett · 9th March 2015, 08:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by notDoneYet

I don't for one minute think this is wrong or inappropriate, as long as you are careful. I personally think this could be good for you mate. You are getting a life. Moving on. Good for you.

Yes but I love my wife and miss her terribly I wish she was here I wsih I could hold her in my arms I wish we could hold hands and wake up together I miss her so much I want my marriage back I love my wife I miss her and want her back please god bring her back to me please god I beg of you

notDoneYet · 9th March 2015, 09:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

Yes but I love my wife and miss her terribly I wish she was here I wsih I could hold her in my arms I wish we could hold hands and wake up together I miss her so much I want my marriage back I love my wife I miss her and want her back please god bring her back to me please god I beg of you

We know you do but that's not happening right now. Have fun with your friend. Don't back track from the positive changes.

defeated · 9th March 2015, 09:28 PM

Good for you. You can't sit in at home and wait in hope for your wife to come back, you need to carpe diem!! We are only here once, make the most of it. You've done nothing wrong so far... although you are obviously really attracted to her otherwise you wouldn't be posting here.. but you're only human, don't feel bad about it. I'd just try to make sure you keep up other interests/meeting up with other friends too so that you don't get drawn in to a relationship when you're obviously still a little confused about stuff. Enjoy, have fun, sounds like you're both a huge support to one another!

Lindentree1 · 10th March 2015, 09:24 PM

You're not doing anything wrong. You deserve a friend to lean on, one who understands your struggles and is going through them as well. This friendship sounds good for both of you.

ralfgarnett · 16th March 2015, 08:15 PM

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Originally Posted by Lindentree1

You're not doing anything wrong. You deserve a friend to lean on, one who understands your struggles and is going through them as well. This friendship sounds good for both of you.

Thanks LDT we went out again on Saturday and had another nice time, we enjoy each others company and get on very well togtether, we are both young me 50 her 43 so we are on the same wavelength and have a laugh together talking about the old days in the area that we live in.

N654563 · 16th March 2015, 08:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

Thanks LDT we went out again on Saturday and had another nice time, we enjoy each others company and get on very well togtether, we are both young me 50 her 43 so we are on the same wavelength and have a laugh together talking about the old days in the area that we live in.

That's great Ralf. Enjoy the time you spend together and take comfort from each other. Talking to someone in a similar situation will help you enormously.

ralfgarnett · 16th March 2015, 08:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by N654563

That's great Ralf. Enjoy the time you spend together and take comfort from each other. Talking to someone in a similar situation will help you enormously.

Yes we do and it does I just worry sometimes that one of us might get the wrong idea one day and do the wrong thing.