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Old 7th March 2015, 06:56 PM   #106
notDoneYet
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

So bit of a mind blowing day today. With the WAW trying to work out how best to deal with S9. One thing was that I was thinking about agreeing to things I'm not comfortable with, ie me staying with S9 while WAW goes with OM. So I agreed with Chosens point of view above and said no to her. So this is now what I know from WAW. But remember you don't believe ANYTHING you hear from WAW
It's still my fault ( no, it's not)
I'm being unreasonable
now get this. She actually thinks that this is a mutual decision ( have pointed out its not). That this is what we both want (errrrm, no). That's she's not having an affair (remember that friends story line "we were on a break"?) even though she started this before we separated, and that I don't have S9's best interests at heart (and there was me thinking being at home with mum and dad was the best for him, silly me).
I know that she will talk in absolutes, so get this. When I point out all the facts above she says "so we stay together and be unhappy for the rest of our lives"? See, absolutes cos she wasn't misrable for the last 20 years. Just doesn't make sense.
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Old 7th March 2015, 10:47 PM   #107
chosen
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

Yes it is an affair because you are still married. She is trying to put all the blame on you and manipulate you. Dont give in, and stand up for what is right. When she says things that you dont agree with, how about politely and calmly countering them.
So say that its not a mutual decision, that you dont want the marriage to end, that you werent miserable and that neither was she till she met the OM, that the best thing for you son is for his parents to be together etc etc.

She is realising that living alone isnt giving her much freedom, and thats good, because she needs to know that and feel that. Its bad enough that she is cheating, without expecting you to enable it by sitting for her, what a cheek.

Last edited by chosen; 8th March 2015 at 11:07 AM.
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Old 8th March 2015, 11:46 AM   #108
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

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Yes it is an affair because you are still married. She is trying to put all the blame on you and manipulate you. Dont give in, and stand up for what is right. When she says things that you dont agree with, how about politely and calmly countering them.
So say that its not a mutual decision, that you dont want the marriage to end, that you werent miserable and that neither was she till she met the OM, that the best thing for you son is for his parents to be together etc etc.

She is realising that living alone isnt giving her much freedom, and thats good, because she needs to know that and feel that. Its bad enough that she is cheating, without expecting you to enable it by sitting for her, what a cheek.
this is precisely what I did. Of course she doesn't accept it so I camly walked away and refused to be drawn into a fight.
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Old 8th March 2015, 01:45 PM   #109
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

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this is precisely what I did. Of course she doesn't accept it so I camly walked away and refused to be drawn into a fight.
That will rile her for sure. I don't know how you manage to stay so calm and collected and walk away in such difficult circumstances!
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Old 8th March 2015, 02:03 PM   #110
chosen
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

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this is precisely what I did. Of course she doesn't accept it so I camly walked away and refused to be drawn into a fight.
well done you. Is she wanting a divorce?
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Old 8th March 2015, 02:51 PM   #111
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

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well done you. Is she wanting a divorce?
The staying calm thing comes with practice, but it is very difficult.

Yes chosen, she wants the D. Get this, she said it was what we both wanted. That's when I pointed out to her that no, I don't want this, she is having the affair and it's her that is breaking up the family, and of course having a loving family for S9 is he best thing for him. But, the best is yet to come friends. When I told her I wasn't going to stay over to enable her affair she said she was going to have to introduce S9 to OM then. I pointed out that she was using S9 to blackmail me. So I left the house at that point. Oh. And remember this is my fault.
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Old 8th March 2015, 05:08 PM   #112
chosen
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

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The staying calm thing comes with practice, but it is very difficult.

Yes chosen, she wants the D. Get this, she said it was what we both wanted. That's when I pointed out to her that no, I don't want this, she is having the affair and it's her that is breaking up the family, and of course having a loving family for S9 is he best thing for him. But, the best is yet to come friends. When I told her I wasn't going to stay over to enable her affair she said she was going to have to introduce S9 to OM then. I pointed out that she was using S9 to blackmail me. So I left the house at that point. Oh. And remember this is my fault.
Are you in the uk ndy? Just thinking of the divorce and the law etc. I am in the UK.
Remember that you dont HAVE to go along with it.
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Old 8th March 2015, 05:18 PM   #113
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

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Are you in the uk ndy? Just thinking of the divorce and the law etc. I am in the UK.
Remember that you dont HAVE to go along with it.
Yip, I'm in Scotland. I know I have to do it if she really wants it. But I will not validate her bad choices because she wants everyone, including me to think this decision is mutual. It's not. It's her choice not mine and she needs to understand that. This is something she is finding difficulty coming to terms with as she still thinks she has done no wrong.
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Old 8th March 2015, 06:05 PM   #114
ralfgarnett
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

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Yip, I'm in Scotland. I know I have to do it if she really wants it. But I will not validate her bad choices because she wants everyone, including me to think this decision is mutual. It's not. It's her choice not mine and she needs to understand that. This is something she is finding difficulty coming to terms with as she still thinks she has done no wrong.
unbelievable
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Old 8th March 2015, 06:58 PM   #115
chosen
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

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Yip, I'm in Scotland. I know I have to do it if she really wants it. But I will not validate her bad choices because she wants everyone, including me to think this decision is mutual. It's not. It's her choice not mine and she needs to understand that. This is something she is finding difficulty coming to terms with as she still thinks she has done no wrong.
Not sure how the law differs there, but in England you can either divorce for unreasonable behaviour(which you can dispute), or after 2 years of separation if you both agree, or after 5 years if only one agrees. A lady I used to know tried to end her marriage to a man who was awful, but he completely refused to sign any papers and after years of trying she gave up. I am assuming that she may have ended it after 5 years, but she had moved away by then. It seems that by refusing to sign anything you can delay it indefinitely.

IF a man I was married to tried to divorce me against my will for no reason, I would refuse to sign anything and make him wait 5 years, but then I can be bloody minded sometimes.
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Old 8th March 2015, 07:00 PM   #116
chosen
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

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Originally Posted by notDoneYet View Post
Yip, I'm in Scotland. I know I have to do it if she really wants it. But I will not validate her bad choices because she wants everyone, including me to think this decision is mutual. It's not. It's her choice not mine and she needs to understand that. This is something she is finding difficulty coming to terms with as she still thinks she has done no wrong.
Yes some people are very good at justifying the most appalling behaviour, even adultery.
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Old 8th March 2015, 07:18 PM   #117
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

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Not sure how the law differs there, but in England you can either divorce for unreasonable behaviour(which you can dispute), or after 2 years of separation if you both agree, or after 5 years if only one agrees. A lady I used to know tried to end her marriage to a man who was awful, but he completely refused to sign any papers and after years of trying she gave up. I am assuming that she may have ended it after 5 years, but she had moved away by then. It seems that by refusing to sign anything you can delay it indefinitely.

IF a man I was married to tried to divorce me against my will for no reason, I would refuse to sign anything and make him wait 5 years, but then I can be bloody minded sometimes.
It's the same here wrt law, but if I'm honest I won't resist. In fact, I may even file because I won't live in an open marriage. With the WAW, at this point she hasn't really experienced much of a loss. Just the social freedoms and me being there to 'do stuff' around the house. She is testing and baiting me but her problem is I know this. So I can plan how I act and she's not enjoying it one bit.
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Old 8th March 2015, 08:55 PM   #118
N654563
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

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It's the same here wrt law, but if I'm honest I won't resist. In fact, I may even file because I won't live in an open marriage. With the WAW, at this point she hasn't really experienced much of a loss. Just the social freedoms and me being there to 'do stuff' around the house. She is testing and baiting me but her problem is I know this. So I can plan how I act and she's not enjoying it one bit.
NDY, my understanding is that if she divorces you then you could end up with the legal bill. A friend of mine was divorced by his wife and because she divorced him he had to pay court costs etc even though he did nothing wrong and it was her that wanted the divorce. I am not 100% on this but it maybe worth looking into. Stay strong my friend.
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Old 8th March 2015, 09:04 PM   #119
notDoneYet
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

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NDY, my understanding is that if she divorces you then you could end up with the legal bill. A friend of mine was divorced by his wife and because she divorced him he had to pay court costs etc even though he did nothing wrong and it was her that wanted the divorce. I am not 100% on this but it maybe worth looking into. Stay strong my friend.
Hi N6. I've looked into it and I'm pretty sure that here at least the costs are shared. 50/50 no matter who files. It'll be cool.

On another subject. I've just read an amazing post on another thread from a WAW and their perspective. Only suitable for me because of the OM but by god the perspective was out of this world. Does anyone know if I'm allowed to post links to other forums?
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Old 8th March 2015, 09:48 PM   #120
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

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Hi N6. I've looked into it and I'm pretty sure that here at least the costs are shared. 50/50 no matter who files. It'll be cool.

On another subject. I've just read an amazing post on another thread from a WAW and their perspective. Only suitable for me because of the OM but by god the perspective was out of this world. Does anyone know if I'm allowed to post links to other forums?
I'm not sure on the rules of posting links to other forums but I have definitely seen others post links to web pages. Do it, whats the worst that can happen!!!!
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