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Old 20th January 2016, 03:08 AM   #1
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Do I give up on my Marriage of 10yrs - together for 17yrs

My husband and I have been together for 17yrs, married for 10yrs and have two girls 10 and 7. Past 16yrs we have been the power couple, madly in love, very healthy sexual life 4-5times a week and life was great. We have always been an honest couple, very straightforward no secrets, we did everything together, no girls night or boys night we were joined at the hips.. Which is why I thought we lasted so long compared to everyone else we know.

Last year I started noticing that my husband was slightly changing. Losing his patience very quickly with the girls, spending more time by himself and just generally withdrawing. I thought it was myself feeling different towards him, maybe I didn't love him as much anymore? that was late in the year of 2014. In March 2015, his 2 brothers came back into our lives and he felt he had to help them with life, (1 just came out of jail and the other one is a ice junky) against my wishes. Said he was sick of everyone elses drama but he was bringing into our lives. He then told me he had put me on a test for me to prove myself to him?? In June 2015 I found out he started using Ice in 2014 and had hidden it from me since then.

He was feeling that I use him to clean the house, do chores etc. I do work long hours and he finishes at 3pm. He picks up the girls from work, cooks and cleans as I get home at 7pm. I do the homework with the girls, clean up, spend an hour watching my tv shows then shower and spend time with my husband. I pay all the bills as I am the higher income earner and he does the house things.

We both discipline the girls but he feels I don't support him enough. My girls are very well behaved girls the 7yr old is a tomboy and just very playful. If they are in trouble over the smallest things he tends to lecture them for too long and then expects me to yell at them when I get home. Which of course I don't, I end up arguing with him as I don't want to walk in the house from a long day to hear him carry on about the smallest things.

He feels I am very controlling, which to a point I am, we have a schedule, I plan our weekends and he is always the last to know what we are doing. If I didn't plan anything we would just be stuck at home as he only enjoys playing poker, table tennis, darts with all his friends and does not like meeting new people or being social.

His problems with me are - I do no support him enough with the children
- he feels that he does too much around the house
- in the bedroom I do not show him enough love (even though we have sex 4/5 times a week still after 17years.
- we do not spend enough adult time together - as I love to have my girls with me all the time

because of these reasons he started Ice behind my back. From our last fight he told me he was using Ice. Then for 3 weeks he was on it everyday, arguing with me, staying out for 3nights, he moved into the shed.

it has now been 7months. He moved out 2months ago, for the 5months of living under the same roof he was disgustingly terrible. telling my 10yr old all his feelings. The screaming matches etc. He spent all of his savings which was around 60 grand at the casino and on Ice. Savings that he saved off my back because I pay for everything.

He has now been clean for 2months has no money, living in a whole. He wants to try and save our marriage. Even though he wants to save it he is still very angry with me as he blames me for him starting ice.

All of our problems could have been solved, but because he was on ice these small marriage problems turned into a bigger things because thats what ice does to you.

I am at the point where we are about to put our house on the market to sell, I have a solicitor and for the past 7months I have been living life normally, making sure I am always busy with the girls.

My family and close friends say I need to move on (I have not told anyone else as I am embarrassed that my husband chose a drug over working on his marriage).

I know he loves me and I still love him, but am I scared of really ending it because i don't know what the future holds as a single mother at 38.

This week we have argued again when he was trying to talk about making it work, we can't even sit down for 10mins without screaming. We are both still very angry.

Do I give my partner of 17yrs - which he was the perfect husband and perfect father - Do I give him this one year of mistakes and try to make it work - will it work?

Or do I move on, even though I know I still love him and miss him very much. We both have not slept with anyone else but we are both too angry. He can not admit to me that he was hiding his drug habit, he is showing no remorse on how he has treated us while high on Ice and he still feels I am the one that needs to change for us to work. He is on his high horse and he always has to be Mr right in every situation. If he could only show me that he is sorry, really sorry and go to rehab and really try, but he isn't and he won't.

I just don't know if it will work if we do try, but at least I should really try after all these years?? I know I won't love anyone else as much as I loved my Husband. Plus I don't want my girls to miss out on having a dad (even though I will always let him see the girls) but its not the same as a full time dad.

Sorry for the long story but I Need some advice from strangers?
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Old 20th January 2016, 03:38 AM   #2
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Re: Do I give up on my Marriage of 10yrs - together for 17yrs

I think seventeen years is a good reason to see if you can work it out. If you both still love each other. I think it's bad to blame you for his drug use. He needs to own up and take responsibility.

Have you thought of giving marriage counseling a try? It sounds like you have some things to talk out.

My other piece of advice is not to pay for everything. If he works, he should contribute to some of the bills. It should not all be on your back. I would be horrified to hear he blew $60,000 on gambling and drugs.

It's good he is clean but he needs to prove himself to you. He's broke and wanting your marriage back but still blaming you.

If you really want this to work marriage counseling might be a great help. If you can't get past your issues, at least you know tried everything to make it work.
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Old 20th January 2016, 10:06 AM   #3
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Do I give up on my Marriage of 10yrs - together for 17yrs

That he is blaming you for him taking ice is not on. It was his choice to react in that way to a problem he had. It appears that his brothers have a very bad influence on him. I wouldn't do too much work yourself on the marriage at this stage. Let him do it and hopefully he will see where he went wrong. Just accepting him back with open arms without him being repentant about his part is asking for trouble I think.

It may be that these negative feelings about you came from taking ice and he needs to deal with that. Any ordinary marriage problems can be sorted when that is out of the way.

All in all I would ride it through and let him come to himself, if he does. You are going to need patience. Things won't be sorted until he climbs down so don't be in a hurry is my advice. Let him sort things before he comes back. Hopefully that won't be too long if he really loves you.
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Old 20th January 2016, 04:49 PM   #4
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Posts: 5,794
Re: Do I give up on my Marriage of 10yrs - together for 17yrs

The 2 things that concern me most are first the drug use, which is very serious, with the fact that he blamed you for that?!?!With that the financial aspect. How is it that you payed all the bills when he was able to saved 60 grand? Why werent you both paying bills? Its also alarming that he has now wasted all that money on drugs and gambling.
The only way I can see it working is if you both agree to long term marriage counselling, living apart while you do that, and see how things go. I would certainly be very wary to trust him with any money for a long time.
Until takes responsibility for his very bad decisions, I cant see how it will work. I also think he needs to cut off contact with his brothers who are clearly a very bad influence.
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Old 23rd February 2016, 04:53 AM   #5
Sylvia Smith
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 6
Re: Do I give up on my Marriage of 10yrs - together for 17yrs

The fact that you are being blamed for his drug use is not something to be okay with. At the end of the day, saving a marriage is the prerogative of both partners. And for this, he needs to own up and take accountability for his actions. Blaming you (his wife) will not cause any good.

Having said this, I do feel that your marriage can be revived. You both need to keep the anger and blame aside; focus on the feelings and consider what you both have together (a house, 2 lovely daughters, so many memories together).... Couples counseling will help you see the positive and enable you to keep all of this behind you and start afresh. They may even give you tips on other related matters that you can bring into the marriage later on (like sharing of fiances and bills - you should not be the one to handle all the bills)

I would seriously advice you both to seek professional help and give this marriage another chance. Get some help here 8 Easy Tips to Save your Marriage from Divorce.
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