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Old 18th February 2016, 06:33 PM   #2116
chosen
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
Just the usual load of old waffle, although I have almost formulated my exit strategy out of the UK where I could live abroad with a view to starting a new life but still earn a living on-line here in the UK but pay my way abroad whilst still paying my business taxes here and covering my domestic liabilities over there, the plan just literally came together last Thursday in a rare moment of clarity it simply just fell in to my lap like a light going on in my head and I could see it all laid out in front of me like a map, in which I finally figured out the business and property aspect very clearly and how it should work, all I need now is to implement it and that is easier said than done at the moment.
Well you need to do something that will enable you to move on. What is stopping you?
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Old 19th February 2016, 12:19 PM   #2117
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Well you need to do something that will enable you to move on. What is stopping you?
Only me and my indiciceiveness and distinct lack of self motivation caused in no small part by my reactionary depression, and also the fear of the un-known and the fear of potential failure because once I go there my be no way back if it all goes t-ts up, and also leaving everything behind that I have known, been familiar with, and been used to living amongst for just over 51 years, so not a lot really.
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Old 19th February 2016, 10:36 PM   #2118
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Only me and my indiciceiveness and distinct lack of self motivation caused in no small part by my reactionary depression, and also the fear of the un-known and the fear of potential failure because once I go there my be no way back if it all goes t-ts up, and also leaving everything behind that I have known, been familiar with, and been used to living amongst for just over 51 years, so not a lot really.
I do understand, we are moving soon to a county further north and west, 2 hours drive away from here. There are many advantages, the houses are about 40% cheaper there, so we are buying a larger house for less money, but I have lived in Surrey all my life(different parts) and in this particular area for 32 years so its a massive change. We dont know a soul there and had never been there till recently, but have already found a large and lively looking baptist church on line which is near to where we will live, so we will go to that, and as well as being nervous at such a massive change, we are excited as well to explore a new area and have a new challenge. After all people do it all the time. My husband came from the other side of the world to live here when he was only 29. His older son moved to Oz 3 years ago age 30, and is now settled there and married to a lady he met there.

If its Malta you have family and friends there as well, which is a big advantage.

have you been able to accept the marriage is over now?
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Old 20th February 2016, 05:46 AM   #2119
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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I do understand, we are moving soon to a county further north and west, 2 hours drive away from here. There are many advantages, the houses are about 40% cheaper there, so we are buying a larger house for less money, but I have lived in Surrey all my life(different parts) and in this particular area for 32 years so its a massive change. We dont know a soul there and had never been there till recently, but have already found a large and lively looking baptist church on line which is near to where we will live, so we will go to that, and as well as being nervous at such a massive change, we are excited as well to explore a new area and have a new challenge. After all people do it all the time. My husband came from the other side of the world to live here when he was only 29. His older son moved to Oz 3 years ago age 30, and is now settled there and married to a lady he met there.

If its Malta you have family and friends there as well, which is a big advantage.

have you been able to accept the marriage is over now?
So happy for you, Chosen. I know you've been wanting to move for awhile now, and I remember you saying you wanted a larger house. Good luck on your move.
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Old 20th February 2016, 10:37 AM   #2120
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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So happy for you, Chosen. I know you've been wanting to move for awhile now, and I remember you saying you wanted a larger house. Good luck on your move.
Thank you I have wanted to get a new house with my husband for nearly 11 years now, and for the last 4 years have felt that we would be moving away somewhere. Now we will have room for the children/grandchildren to come and stay. I did many many many hours of research over a 2-3 year period on line to find the right place.
We both feel we have found it.
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Old 20th February 2016, 01:13 PM   #2121
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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I do understand, we are moving soon to a county further north and west, 2 hours drive away from here. There are many advantages, the houses are about 40% cheaper there, so we are buying a larger house for less money, but I have lived in Surrey all my life(different parts) and in this particular area for 32 years so its a massive change. We dont know a soul there and had never been there till recently, but have already found a large and lively looking baptist church on line which is near to where we will live, so we will go to that, and as well as being nervous at such a massive change, we are excited as well to explore a new area and have a new challenge. After all people do it all the time. My husband came from the other side of the world to live here when he was only 29. His older son moved to Oz 3 years ago age 30, and is now settled there and married to a lady he met there.

If its Malta you have family and friends there as well, which is a big advantage.

have you been able to accept the marriage is over now?
Mmmm Surrey very nice, no wonder property prices are through the roof no pun intended, I have cousins somewhere in deepest darkest Byfleet but haven't seen or heard from them for decades, in fact I cant even remember their names, my mum had all that sort of information but as she has been dead just over 10 years I wouldn't even know where to start looking for them if I ever felt the urge too that is, I have always been a Lancashire CCC fan, but have always had a soft spot for Surrey CCC for some reason, but I really don't like the Oval one bit, I much prefer Lords and of course the real and original Old Trafford that the red rabble up the road copied and knicked the name of because they couldn't be bothered thinking one up for themselves, horrible club always have been and that blue lot t'other side of the city aren't much better either.

Also "have you been able to accept the marriage is over now?"
most certainly not, I refuse to accept something so wrong, so unjust, so unnecessary, so badly handled, so unfair, and so ill-judged on every conceivable level, I doubt that I will ever accept such a lousy decision made as a knee jerk decision in a fight or flight panic moment by a semi deranged middle aged woman with obvious mental health issues such as depression, surpressed grief, and severe work related stress issues that we talked through so many times and I thought we had been able to put all that in to perspective, but obviously not, as all my words of advice and positive spin were wasted on a woman that seemingly was like talking to a brick wall, I did my best my very very best and it still didn't work, so all the time I was trying to help her I was obviously wasting my breath on a closed mind, but as her husband I would still be there to help her out and give her advice, the door will never be closed to her and she can talk to me about whatever she wants any time she wants, and she knows this I have made it very clear to her more than once.
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Old 20th February 2016, 02:30 PM   #2122
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Mmmm Surrey very nice, no wonder property prices are through the roof no pun intended, I have cousins somewhere in deepest darkest Byfleet but haven't seen or heard from them for decades, in fact I cant even remember their names, my mum had all that sort of information but as she has been dead just over 10 years I wouldn't even know where to start looking for them if I ever felt the urge too that is, I have always been a Lancashire CCC fan, but have always had a soft spot for Surrey CCC for some reason, but I really don't like the Oval one bit, I much prefer Lords and of course the real and original Old Trafford that the red rabble up the road copied and knicked the name of because they couldn't be bothered thinking one up for themselves, horrible club always have been and that blue lot t'other side of the city aren't much better either.

Also "have you been able to accept the marriage is over now?"
most certainly not, I refuse to accept something so wrong, so unjust, so unnecessary, so badly handled, so unfair, and so ill-judged on every conceivable level, I doubt that I will ever accept such a lousy decision made as a knee jerk decision in a fight or flight panic moment by a semi deranged middle aged woman with obvious mental health issues such as depression, surpressed grief, and severe work related stress issues that we talked through so many times and I thought we had been able to put all that in to perspective, but obviously not, as all my words of advice and positive spin were wasted on a woman that seemingly was like talking to a brick wall, I did my best my very very best and it still didn't work, so all the time I was trying to help her I was obviously wasting my breath on a closed mind, but as her husband I would still be there to help her out and give her advice, the door will never be closed to her and she can talk to me about whatever she wants any time she wants, and she knows this I have made it very clear to her more than once.
it really doesnt matter if it was a bad decision on her part, its still happened and its still something that you need to let go of.

Should my husband have never accepted or let go of the fact that his former wife found another man? Or that she divorced him? Should he still be in that limbo unhappy place all these years later, punishing only himself and wasting his life because of what she did? Or was he right to accept it was over, make the best of it and be open to a new different life in which he met me and later married me?

The only one suffering now because of this is yourself. Whether we like it or not bad things happen, and people do things that hurt us. we cant control that, but we can control what effect it has on us and what we do about it. We can let it ruin the rest of our life, or we can make that decision not to let it, and move on.

Last edited by chosen; 20th February 2016 at 04:50 PM.
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Old 20th February 2016, 08:00 PM   #2123
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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it really doesnt matter if it was a bad decision on her part, its still happened and its still something that you need to let go of.

Should my husband have never accepted or let go of the fact that his former wife found another man? Or that she divorced him? Should he still be in that limbo unhappy place all these years later, punishing only himself and wasting his life because of what she did? Or was he right to accept it was over, make the best of it and be open to a new different life in which he met me and later married me?

The only one suffering now because of this is yourself. Whether we like it or not bad things happen, and people do things that hurt us. we cant control that, but we can control what effect it has on us and what we do about it. We can let it ruin the rest of our life, or we can make that decision not to let it, and move on.
Who really gives a flying f-ck about any aspect of it all ?, I am alone with practically no support, the more I think about it kills me and it invades my thoughts far too frequently especially early in the mornings, I lie in bed full of fear and anxiety having the most frightful thoughts and visions, the sooner it's all over the better, I truly, honestly, really don't want to be here any more, my heart has been hacked in half, my future plans lie in pieces, there is no more for me to suffer, I have hit rock bottom, the only option left to endure is my life short time is the thought of certain eternal death sooner rather than later, the long sleep, eternal rest, and no more mental torture to endure day after day, no more visions of my wife, our previous life, our wedding day, her lovely little hand in my bigger hand, and the list goes on and surs pour toujors, je suis touts finis pour mois ces.t soir at est pour tojours , bon nuit touts le mondes, je ne suis pas beacoup tres joli est mon finis est tres beinvenue.
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Old 20th February 2016, 08:27 PM   #2124
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Who really gives a flying f-ck about any aspect of it all ?, I am alone with practically no support, the more I think about it kills me and it invades my thoughts far too frequently especially early in the mornings, I lie in bed full of fear and anxiety having the most frightful thoughts and visions, the sooner it's all over the better, I truly, honestly, really don't want to be here any more, my heart has been hacked in half, my future plans lie in pieces, there is no more for me to suffer, I have hit rock bottom, the only option left to endure is my life short time is the thought of certain eternal death sooner rather than later, the long sleep, eternal rest, and no more mental torture to endure day after day, no more visions of my wife, our previous life, our wedding day, her lovely little hand in my bigger hand, and the list goes on and surs pour toujors, je suis touts finis pour mois ces.t soir at est pour tojours , bon nuit touts le mondes, je ne suis pas beacoup tres joli est mon finis est tres beinvenue.
Until you make that decision to let it go and move on, you will never get better. Many have been through the most appalling things, they have had to make that decision. Its been so long now why are you letting this ruin the rest of your life?

A young lady I know who was sexually abused by her father for about 13 years, said to me that her father had ruined her childhood, but she wasnt going to let what he did ruin the rest of her life. She made the decision or forgive him(for her own mental healths sake)went to uni, got a degree, has a job she likes, many friends, a nice boyfriend and a bright future. Was it easy? No she had to drag herself from the pit, carry on and do things with gritted teeth sometimes, get through many difficulties, and carry on regardless. You can do the same if you make that decision to stop wallowing in anger and bitterness, stop replaying things over and over and over again in your mind, and let the past go. Make the decision to forgive her(very important) and look ahead.
The decision is up to you. Your future is in your hands. One that is full of unhappiness, regret, anger and unforgiveness, or one that is free and good and positive?Why carry that heavy load when you can put it down and walk away?
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Old 20th February 2016, 09:25 PM   #2125
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Lets get one thing straight from now on, I do not have or posses one inkling of anger not one bit I never have and I never will, sadness yes, grief yes, pain yes, sadness yes, regret yes, hurt yes, anything else yes, BUT ANGER NEVER.
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Old 20th February 2016, 09:33 PM   #2126
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Who really gives a flying f-ck about any aspect of it all ?, I am alone with practically no support, the more I think about it kills me and it invades my thoughts far too frequently especially early in the mornings, I lie in bed full of fear and anxiety having the most frightful thoughts and visions, the sooner it's all over the better, I truly, honestly, really don't want to be here any more, my heart has been hacked in half, my future plans lie in pieces, there is no more for me to suffer, I have hit rock bottom, the only option left to endure is my life short time is the thought of certain eternal death sooner rather than later, the long sleep, eternal rest, and no more mental torture to endure day after day, no more visions of my wife, our previous life, our wedding day, her lovely little hand in my bigger hand, and the list goes on and surs pour toujors, je suis touts finis pour mois ces.t soir at est pour tojours , bon nuit touts le mondes, je ne suis pas beacoup tres joli est mon finis est tres beinvenue.
I know this part is not true. I know very well you have supportive friends. I think your friends would think this statement is hurtful.
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Old 20th February 2016, 10:35 PM   #2127
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Lets get one thing straight from now on, I do not have or posses one inkling of anger not one bit I never have and I never will, sadness yes, grief yes, pain yes, sadness yes, regret yes, hurt yes, anything else yes, BUT ANGER NEVER.
you sound angry in your posts about the situation. Its comes over quite strongly.
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Old 21st February 2016, 11:01 AM   #2128
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Do you want me to send your wife a message?
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Old 21st February 2016, 11:15 AM   #2129
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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I know this part is not true. I know very well you have supportive friends. I think your friends would think this statement is hurtful.
Hi LDT it's nice to hear from you and I sincerely hope that things are looking up for you, let me explain what I mean, I have a very small handful of people I see on a very irregular basis, I can go days without seeing anyone and quite often the only human interaction I get is by telephone or e-mail but I understand that sometimes it's just not possible to see someone that your close too for many different reasons, I have a few very dear friends whom I know I can ring any time I want which is good, but I really like and enjoy human interaction face to face eye to eye, I am fortunate that god has blessed me with good communicational skills and also a good sense of humour, I can easily make people laugh with my daft jokes or silly stories, but I don't see enough people often enough, weeks go by where the only person that crosses my door is me, I like going to visit people but 9 times out of 10 if I ask iif it's ok to call round people have other plans, and that's ok I get that, so gracefully bow out and wish them a good day, so when I say about not having enough "supportive friends" I don't mean that I don't get verbal emotional support and interaction because I do, but I don't get enough physical interaction with the key people in my life, I am human being with feelings, and just like most people when the chips are down I just need a big warm hug, or somebody just to put their arm round me and tell me everything is going to be ok, my wife and I were very affectionate to each other always hugging, kissing, holding hands, cuddling, always telling each other we loved each other, then one day in July 2014 that love died in front of me, suddenly and without warning, une morte subite, and ever since that evening I have felt very unloved and there have been very many times that I have felt very alone in the world with not one person on this planet that loves me, I love other people that is my nature, I love my wife, I love my closest friends wherever they are in the world, but nobody loves me back and all I want right now is a hug and somebody to tell me that I do matter and I am important, and that they love me, I'm crying again so it time to stop, but I hope you understand what I mean well in fact with your situation without me being a mind reader I am pretty sure you know exactly what I mostly mean, god bless you and watch over you, thinking of you and dear little Buddy from across the pond.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 21st February 2016 at 11:27 AM.
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Old 21st February 2016, 11:21 AM   #2130
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Do you want me to send your wife a message?
No thanks best let sleeping dogs lie it would serve no good and she would probably be very offended as she is a very quiet private person she would probably perceive it as an intrusion no matter how well meaning it's intention, and let me repeat once again and for the very last time that I'm not angry and I'm not bitter and I forgave her a long time ago with our bible, our rosaries, and our crucifix on the wall, instead I am very sad, very hurt, very rejected, and very lonely and alone most of the time.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 21st February 2016 at 11:38 AM.
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