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Old 19th May 2011, 04:10 AM   #1
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Join Date: May 2011
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my feelings and thougths are all over the place and I need a place to let it out

I meant my husband in 1979, we started living together. We married in 1989. No kids. I am a career woman, and have always made good/enough money, he has never had a steady income, but I love him and this never really bothered me/us, as far as the man takes care of the women scenario goes. So I have always “taken care” of him. I don't know why I put that in there, guess it bothers me. You see at our age I love him and he needs the benefits etc. that I provide. After all we have together I would not leave him in such dire straits. That said, I have just found out that he has an online love. She lives far, actually only a state away and they have never really been together physically. At first I was very upset, I mean ready to have a nervous breakdown, which was last week. When this all first happened he asked me if I wanted a divorce. I told him no way. I can forgive him. He is 56 and I am 55, I do not want to be a divorcee at my age. We still get along. I truly believe he is going through a midlife crisis, whatever. But I can forgive him and go on from here. The reason my screen name is “Broken” is because when I found this site last weekend, well I was very hear broken.

I guess I’m just extremely annoyed with him now. I find it rather comical actually, but still sometimes sad. The feeling go up and down to be honest, but not as bad as last week. I asked him a few times, “If he was trying to get on the Jerry Springer Show”? Something even funny is the phone he uses to talk to her on is in my name and I can look on-line and see every time they communicate and for how long. Christ, they aren’t even aware.

I did some shopping therapy tonight and bought some sexy clothes and so far I’ve lost 10 pounds, down to 128 lbs. So I do not want another man I just want what’s mine back, but I guess we can’t own people and I don’t want to come off sounding that way. I really don’t. I just love him and want to love him through thick or thin.

I cook his food, take care of him, wash clothes, all those things that are a big part of my life and of which I do enjoy but this on-line crap is making me crazy. I wish she was like a paid site sex slut but, she’s a regular person age 53 (I guess). I actually called her last week and talked about 4 minutes and I told her not to call him, but she still is, so slut inside I guess. The scoop on her is she’s collecting SSI, on Prozac, has panic attacked, things of this nature. I believe she is telling him anything he wants to hear, whatever, this is what he told me about her. Yes he told everything to me.

So what’s anyone thoughts? I know you can say I’m a fool. But 32 years together is a long time together, and I have seen him and I go through lots of changes and things.

Well this is my mood and thoughts on the subject tonight. Tomorrow I may be crying …who knows…but I certainly feel better expounding about this on here. Thanks!

Love to hear back from you folks.

Last edited by broken; 19th May 2011 at 04:34 AM.
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Old 19th May 2011, 04:49 AM   #2
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Re: my feelings and thougths are all over the place and I need a place to let it out

Welcome here, its good to have you. Actually I am exactly the same age as you so thats something in common!

I am not surprised that your emotions are all over the place, as this is very painful for you.

You have done so much for him for so long and now this.
Now, is he prepared to end it with this lady or has he said that he wants to carry on the relationship? Have you asked him to stop this contact?If so, what did he say?Do you know how long this has been going on for?

I hear of so many people whose marriages and relationships have ended or been damaged by one spouses meeting someone else on face book or similar, its so sad, but in the end it does depend on whether he values the marriage enough (and you enough) to do the right thing and stop all contact with her. The fact that you have asked her to stop and she still hasnt, means that she clearly hasnt much integrity or morals and so it will have to come from him.

If he refuses to stop then you will need to decide if this is something that you are prepared to put up with just for the sake of staying with him. What if he decides to go and meet her?

Do you think that he would consider marriage counselling?

By the way most of us here are from the UK so you should get more answers later as it is only 5am here!
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Old 19th May 2011, 05:33 AM   #3
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Re: my feelings and thougths are all over the place and I need a place to let it out

thanks for answering. good points you made. I did ask im to stop. He said no. I told him I didn't want to do anything rash. He said they liked to talk, but also more they do I really don't want to repeat here, I know you can imagine, phone sex blah blah blah. They have been doing this for 2 months. After me finding out last week, I told him I'd give it a month, for him to stop. (I don't know what a month is going to do, I really have no plans in a month). He told me everything. Not all the details, but everything how he felt... he loves her, he'd like to f* her. It's a crazy situation, nothing I would have ever expected. One thing I always thought I had with him was faithfulness, I'm terribly let down. I think it's a mid life crisis. He needs to work it out within himself. I think that if they had any true great love they would be together. You know what I mean? I mean if I loved someone THAT much...I would be in the car, on a bus, on a plane to be with them. I think it's just a very stupid fling, he got caught and he's dying of embarrassment and other feelings, quilt, worthlessness, whatever. He knows I love him. He knows I care about his wellbeing. After 32 years, it's deeper you know? Time will tell, but thank you so much for being there for me to talk to. to get through this whatever the outcome is. thank you for reading my posts and taking the time to reply, that is much appreciated.
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Old 19th May 2011, 08:31 AM   #4
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Re: my feelings and thougths are all over the place and I need a place to let it out

Good morning to you from Steve. Reading through your posts and CHOSENS response, I do wonder whether he is enjoying the thrill of the online fun and attention, but hsas no intention of taking it any further. She is a state away and you are right if they were truly "in love" or had such strong feelings then they would be together.
This does not mean to say that you should put up with it as it is unacceptable and you deserve much better. He needs to sort himself out and get past this thing of his and work on his marriage as hard as you are. I am sending you massive hugs and hope that things resolve themselves in a very positive way

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Old 19th May 2011, 08:34 AM   #5
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Re: my feelings and thougths are all over the place and I need a place to let it out

Reading briefly here Broken. On the way to work. The thing that struck me is your empty threats when within yourself you are not prepared to back it up because you are afraid of being alone. This is the road to being a doormat actually. There is no room for this behaviour in a marriage. I believe you have to put it to the test and risk all. Her or you. That will have a much stronger affect than your pleadings, but you have to be prepared within yourself to carry it out if necessary. It is actually mental adultery from what you have said. There is no place to pander to this.

Sometimes we have to lose something to gain it. The more rope you give to this the more it will tie you up. Deal with this quickly and effectively and you might just get the repentance that is needed here.
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Old 19th May 2011, 09:12 AM   #6
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Re: my feelings and thougths are all over the place and I need a place to let it out

I agree 100% with Raymond . Now that you have said more about how serious this is,the online sex etc, and what he said about what he wants to do with her, I believe that you do need to stand VERY firm and if necessary ask him to leave until he ends this relationship.If you dont do this he will never end it. If we allow or enable anything like this in our marriages, then we are partly to blame if it never stops. Its like porn use, if the wife turns a blind eye, it will never stop.
Really, you will survive if he does leave. I had to suddenly end my 25 year marriage after finding out something really serious about my ex husband, and I had 3 kids and was earning practically nothing.. You will manage.
Hopefully he will see sense if he knows that you wont put up with it.

Of course he isnt in love, they have never met, and you cant get to know anyone properly online, he is infatuated with who he thinks she is, he is lusting after her, and she may not be quite so keen when she finds out that he is a 'kept man'.
You said yourself that you earn good money and could easlily supprt yourself, and it may just do him good to have to work for once!

You do need to let him go as Raymond said, and then it wil be up to you if you have him back if he stops the other wrong relationship, but if he does stop then you will need strict boundaries so that it doesnt happen again.
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Old 20th May 2011, 05:49 AM   #7
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Re: my feelings and thougths are all over the place and I need a place to let it out

Thank you for your responses. Given me some things to think about. I truly appreciate your opinions and comments. I'll let you know how we come to odds with this.
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Old 11th February 2016, 02:45 PM   #8
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Re: my feelings and thougths are all over the place and I need a place to let it out

You are a good wife and you still hold on for your marriage. I appreciate you for being an honest to your husband.
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Old 14th February 2016, 03:47 AM   #9
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Re: my feelings and thougths are all over the place and I need a place to let it out

I agree with Raymond. Realize you deserve much better treatment than this. Find the strength within yourself to decide what it is you think you deserve. Are you willing to put up with this type of treatment? Obviously she's not going to end it, so it's up to you to take steps. For now, I'd stop doing anything for him. I'd even tell him he can start to support himself. Let him see what's he's missing. Then I'd be very busy, going out with girlfriends, to the movies, etc. If he really cares for you, this will shake him up. If he starts showing interest in you - great. But I wouldn't come running home to him either. I'd still be out there having fun. Men like a challenge. It's a bit of what helps them feel like a man - when they can accomplish something they've set out to do. If you let him take advantage of you, there's not much of a challenge. He knows he's got you and will always take care of him. Recognize what a catch you are and start to act that way. Let him know your worth - discover your value for yourself as well. You sound like a lovely woman. Now start to treat yourself as such.

Good luck!
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