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Old 26th January 2010, 10:11 PM   #16
Ageing Grace
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Re: Moving on & How do we avoid the mistakes of the past?

"Moving on & How do we avoid the mistakes of the past?"

Those of us who've been subjected to abuse - and that's a lot of us on here - have a hard time getting over it. This is because abuse - emotional, verbal, physical, sexual, or any combination - works to convince us that there's something "wrong" with us. Abusers quite deliberately make us doubt our own thoughts & feelings. They make us deny the evidence of our own eyes and ears. They make us care only about them, sacrificing our entire selves to their insatiable ego.

If you have ever said you feel as if you're "twisting yourself out of shape" in a relationship - you are being abused. If you've ever answered the question: "is something wrong?" with a reply that centres on how your partner feels, you're being abused.

Sometimes, relationship abuse is temporary. A cheating partner becomes abusive for the period of duplicity. A sick partner can become abusive as a result of their illness - as long as the illness is certain to heal, we can live with that, though it still damages us and our relationship.

More often, the abuse is subtle, insidious and ongoing. It weakens us by stages. Often disguised as weakness by the abuser, it relentlessly erodes the target's personality, emotions, social life, finances and, ultimately, physical health.

Even after the target escapes their abuser, the damage remains unless they take time to face it. Once the injured party recognises the horrific loss of trust in their own thoughts & feelings, which has been caused by their abuser, they can begin to heal. This often takes a long time; it always requires help. Without this healing, the target will - sadly - instantly choose another abusive partner. The new partner recognises the target's psychic wounds, and is attracted like a wolf to an injured deer.

There is a wonderful, and highly readable, book that describes abuse. Everyone who finds they have begun to doubt themselves in a relationship, or whose friendships seem to have become eroded during their relationship, should read it. Urgently!
Here it is:
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

Here is a page from Women's Aid in the UK, which outlines the most usual methods of abuse:
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200410001&itemid=1272
Scroll down to "What are the signs of domestic violence?"


Take very good care of your soul. Listen not only to your instincts, but also to your friends. Take time to heal.
AG
xxx

Yes, this is a pointed message.

Last edited by Ageing Grace; 26th January 2010 at 10:31 PM.
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Old 26th January 2010, 10:22 PM   #17
Helen_uk
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Re: Moving on & How do we avoid the mistakes of the past?

Hugs to you AG

I know how abuse comes in many forms and can begin by an undermining in childhood . For many years I picked co-dependant relationships because that's all I knew. After the last one I took time out to find me , to love and value me . I'm so glad I did because it's only now, having taken a huge step back , that I can see the pattern ....

Helen x
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Old 26th January 2010, 10:35 PM   #18
Ageing Grace
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Re: Moving on & How do we avoid the mistakes of the past?

Helen

Isn't it great when you CAN step back & see it?!!

Hugs back x
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Old 26th January 2010, 10:38 PM   #19
Helen_uk
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Re: Moving on & How do we avoid the mistakes of the past?

It's wonderful AG !

I couldn't believe it had taken me soooo many years of grief to see the obvious.. and it was a chance remark by someone on a website that made me stop and think .

I'll always be grateful to that person even though I have no idea what their name is now , a line of text penetrated the fog I was in at the time and changed my life forever !

Are you doing ok AG ?
x
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Old 27th January 2010, 12:07 AM   #20
Ageing Grace
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Re: Moving on & How do we avoid the mistakes of the past?

I am OK, thank you Helen I'm trying to catch up on real life a little - I know this *is* real life, but the idea is to spend less time on forums!

As you can see, I'm doing a great job ...

Did you ever join that Aspie thread on Mumsnet? You'd be a godsend.
Umm, I mean this one:
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/775733-Anyone-else-have-an-Aspergers-DH-How-do-you-cope

I'm so happy you're in a decent relationship.
Maybe I'll get it together to find one of my own - if I keep away from the interweb for a bit!
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Old 27th January 2010, 10:09 AM   #21
georgie
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Re: Moving on & How do we avoid the mistakes of the past?

AG this is so strange. I wrote a post of a similar vein in the other web site I use, Daily Strength. I have conciously avoided getting even remotely close to dating anyone for the past year because I have not yet completely worked out how to break the pattern of co- dependancy. I guess I have not firmly established my own boundaries yet, in fact i know I havent because I recently found myself in an online 'friendship' with someone, which had started to get to a stage where I was feeling guilty for not doing what the other person wanted, and feeling guilty for not being constantly available to them. The eye opener was that you just cant pick the people that will do this based on their personality.
My mother had a particular personality type, she was overtly controlling issueing orders and counter orders, moving the goal posts just after u struck the ball every time.
My X was so different to her, that it took me many therapy sessions to realise that although on the surface he was a different type of person, we were still doing the same dance - I did what he wanted or I was in trouble or wrong.
So, then I get chatting to this really nice person, nothing at all like my X in personality, genuinely interested in other people etc. an all round lovely guy. However 3 months in I find that over the course of the friendship I've become conditioned to being 'available' and at the beck and call , I find myself apologising for going out or getting home late etc. I even find myself saying sorry for being home late after a rare night out, at 4am in the morning to someone that expected me to 'check in'... So I'm not fixed yet!!

The thing is do we train people to treat us this way?? or are they just the wrong people, this kind of baffles me becuase if u lined up the 3 samples above they are all so different and yet I was completely consumed by all of them.

My boundaries need re-enforcing, big job to undertake, nearly there but not quite I think.

xxx
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Old 27th January 2010, 11:33 AM   #22
jellybean28
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Re: Moving on & How do we avoid the mistakes of the past?

Hey Georgie

I that was me until a couple of months ago. For me I refused to admit that I was co-dependant.
I had rejection issues and low self esteem from an emotionally abusive/absent mother and Ex H.
For me I did a workshop called "The mental toolbox" the man who runs it is called Paul Blackburn.
Not cheap google his name and you should find him.

Though that I met a the most amazing life coach who lives here in WA (She does sessions over the phone with as I'm three hours away). Again not cheap, but a worthwhile investment for the amazing progress I'm making.

Though her I've managed to move on from my ExH even being grateful for him walking away from our marriage!! and forgiving him for the pain it caused me. Posted the story on this thread.
From this the most amazing thing has happened. Money is tight for me but I have a once a year opportunity to come to Melbourne for a 3day workshop which will enhance what I do in my work in aged care. I emailed my Ex and asked if he could send me some money, no explanation of what I need it for. He was fine about it and we had a pleasant chat via email.

I really have no idea as to how this change in me has come about. All I know is that 2 months ago I was still trying to please/defend him. Playing the poor me victim role. Now I can ask for something or say no to people without feeling guilty or being at their beck and call for fear of rejection.

I don't know if this has helped you Georgie, but it for me what helped was the above.
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Old 27th January 2010, 11:42 AM   #23
Helen_uk
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Smile Re: Moving on & How do we avoid the mistakes of the past?

I know what you mean AG.. sometimes forums can take over your life a bit.

I hadn't heard of mumsnet til recently but I am a member of a number of different aspie groups , mostly those for parents but most of the groups have adult aspie members too . I found that interesting because it gave me a glimpse into the future and a bit of an idea of what to expect .

I'm glad to hear you're taking some time out to look after your own needs , you've been such an immense help to us on here , but sometimes it's tempting to spend too much time on other's and ignore your own :-)

JB have you read the book co-dependant no more ? Can't recall who the author was now but it was an eye opener for me !
xx
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Old 27th January 2010, 03:26 PM   #24
georgie
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Re: Moving on & How do we avoid the mistakes of the past?

HI I have a book by Melanie Beatie I think which is about co depandancy - daily affirmations, i found it fantastic, but think it needs revision to make it sink in a bit more permanently xxx
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Old 27th January 2010, 03:54 PM   #25
Wedgewood
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Re: Moving on & How do we avoid the mistakes of the past?

[QUOTE=georgie;49948] I would never be interested in anyone that did not love all 3 of us and that we loved in return. [/QUOTE]

This is they key for you Georgie.

You will find someone whenever you are ready. Your 'mistakes' are not YOURS, only half yours at best. Just be yourself and you will find someone soon enough (if you haven't already )

Mark xx
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Old 27th January 2010, 04:17 PM   #26
Helen_uk
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Re: Moving on & How do we avoid the mistakes of the past?

I was recommended the book by someone on a support group Georgie , I'd never heard of co-dependancy before that and generally don't bother with self help books... but I was amazed to find how much of this one applied to my behaviours..

Finding someone is the easy part finding the right person is a damn sight harder. All of my ex partners have been of the same ilk even though outwardly they were different personalities.

And I think all mistakes are worth making if we learn from and don't keep on repeating them.. of course it's recognising we're making mistakes that sometimes takes time !

A friend of mine humbled me recently when she was diagnosed with breast cancer . Instead of asking " why me " she said "why wouldn't it be me , I'm human and fallible ". She's moving forward and accepted what's happened and fights it with the same spirit she applies to everything.. dogged determination and positivity . She's just 32 . I wish I had more of her outlook sometimes.
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Old 27th January 2010, 05:58 PM   #27
Ageing Grace
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Re: Moving on & How do we avoid the mistakes of the past?

Georgie, my exes invariably said I "made" them that way. It's just another way of pushing all the responsibility onto you, another string of guilt & self-doubt they attach to you. Controlling people do spot the little give-away signs of co-dependency. That's why they pick you. You don't make them, train them, or otherwise induce them to do it. Nice, secure, stable people don't do it.

Your Mum trained you to be over-compliant. Compliance cannot turn a nice person into a nasty one! It is *not* your fault.

Lovely replies, Helen & JB

xxx
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