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Old 25th April 2013, 10:51 AM   #1
13579
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marrage and myself are broken

Hi there.

First off i joined this site as im really not sure where else to turn.

Please excuse some of my spelling.

My fourth wedding anniversery is coming up next month. And we have been together for around 11 years. Im 28 and she is 25.

Im married to the most beatifull girl ive ever met. I love everything about her her smile her humout her body her dress sense the lot. But she knows shes good looking and ive always thought she was too good for me.

Last week she finally told me she doesnt love me any more. After a week of me asking whats wrong

We have one 2 year old boy and hes amazing.

Now since we got together years back things were rocky in the first year. we both cheated on each other and then got back together. Since then tho i think we both had trust issues. And cant really speak to eachother.

Anyway one weekend out she was with her friends and i was out with one my mates. and i ended up bumping into her shouting at her because i felt jelous. Seeing her having a great time without me ect. We dont go out together because she says we cant have a good night without arguing. But i dont understand this as we havent ever been out together.

So she said that was the last straw and things had gone too far. Now the past year maybe two ive been stupid and spending most of my time away working on things or just not being there with her. Half because i feel when i do stay in we dont talk we sit on our phones or whatever. I regret this more than anything now.

We never really talk about things atall. Yes silly things like tv and our days ect but not feelings ect.

Anyway she says shes not happy and last weekend i finally got it out of her that she didnt love me. I was broken i didnt know what to do. How do you handle when the woman you love with all your heart and sole tells you this. I was in pieces and still am.

Anyway that day she left our son with me at home and went away to her mates for a couple of hours.Later came back. My sister had came over to comfort me and look after our son. So We talked we shouted we cryed ect i tryed what i could to give me another chance to prove to her i could change.. she said i dont make an effort with her family and i was never there. Anyway i left to go pick up our son at my sisters. When i got back she said ok we will try. Id love to say i showed her i was happy but i couldnt understand what changed in that half hour.

I wasnt sure how she changed her mind as she had been so sure it was over that whole day. and that was it she was sorry ect. But wanted to know id be ok.

So few days passed i was feeling sorry for myself ect. Now ive pulled together and trying to act normal. Like she asked the other day she just wants us to be normal.

She lets me kiss her and hold her in bed. I tell her i love her every night and every morning but no reply but good night or have a good day from her. Shes told me her feelings wont change then she doesnt know if her feelings will change even said i dont love you yet.

Shes never been one to come kiss me or ask for sex ect.

So yesterday i said right. Lets go have a fag then go have sex. She smiled and said maybe. But then nothing happened. She had stuff to do on the computer and i had to go down the road to help a mate. I rushed home thinking we were still on for sex. Watched some tv. Laughed. Went to bed and she said she would be asleep in seconds so i asked are we not having sex? She said no. And i said ok tomorrow then she said dont push the matter. Should i stop asking or say it again in a not to serious manor?

Basically ive no idea whats going on. She wont sit down and talk to me ive asked a few times amd she just says everythings been said already.

Ive been trying ive been doing loads of housework and keeping myself tidy ect. And she makes me go out for a while because she doesnt want me to feel like i have to stay in. I dont. I want to try save our marrage.

Does anyone have any advise for me as to how i can go about this? Do i just keep acting like everythings fine and not talking about things? Wen i ask her on text ect she says im suffocating her.

Im very good to her in my eyes i always buy her presents and if she asks me for somthing ill get it if i can if not ill do my best to get it later. But jelousy is my issue id say. Scared she would find someone better or with more money. She is a little bit shallow tbh but id never tell her. She has plenty faults but im not willing to tell her them just now in case it goes wrong.

Also wonderimg whats the best thing to do for anniversery? Will i cook us a meal and candlelight? Or go out to food? Or book a nice hotel local?I dont want her to think im not trying or that im trying too much.

Shes had a night out away planned for a while now in a few months for her mates birthday and i cant help feeling whats going to happen. Even tho her other mate says she hasnt got it in her to cheat on me. Her mate thats birthday it is has just recently seperated from her husband but still stays in the same house but its defo over they say.

Im not sure i can handle not being with her and seeing her with someone else. It would kill me emotionoy and pyhsicly. I want a good family life seeing my little boy grow up and coming into bed with us ect. Ive never loved another woman. Ive never even really had sex with another woman.

Also a few months back on a night out she sent me a message that was ment to go to her mate saying shes going to pretend to enjoy sex. Said sorry and that she thought it was the same thing and got boring.
Now id say im a good looking guy i see other woman looking at me and sex wise we both have moments. I can sometimes last for a while but mostly ten 15 mins. Also the times i do last longer she gets pains so we have to stop. Also which she says sorry for.

Please any info you have would be great but no slagging her off please she is still my wife and i love her more than i love myself. Also shes never mentioned divorce yet. Does that matter?

Please help me to help my wife be happy and my marrage florish.

Thank you very much if you managed to read my messed up post.

Last edited by 13579; 25th April 2013 at 01:34 PM.
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Old 25th April 2013, 02:21 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: marrage and myself are broken

HI there
I would strongly advise you both to have some good long term marriage counselling. If you are in the UK you can contact relate.
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Old 25th April 2013, 03:05 PM   #3
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Re: marrage and myself are broken

Im affraid to ask that tho. Nobody wants to admit they need counselling. Even less that they were wrong.

I dont want to say or do anything to make things worse.

Was planning on asking her to come out with me for dinner and drinks after on saturday.
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Old 25th April 2013, 05:01 PM   #4
chosen
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Re: marrage and myself are broken

We all make mistakes, and we all need help sometimes in our lives. Loads of people have counselling.
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Old 25th April 2013, 07:26 PM   #5
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Re: marrage and myself are broken

Well i tried to talk to her tonight. She wont talk about stuff. Says im suffocating her and wants me to be out of the house because she doesnt think i want to stay in. Which i do.

Even asked if she wohld come out for dinner with me on saturday. But she had saod two of her mates are coming over on friday or saturday and doesnt know.

Im totally confused here. Im tryn my best to act normal but its REALLY hard.

If she wont talk to me i cant see that she would want to talk to a stranger about it.
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Old 25th April 2013, 08:19 PM   #6
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Re: marrage and myself are broken

Can anyone answer any of my questions?
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Old 25th April 2013, 08:57 PM   #7
Raymond
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Re: marrage and myself are broken

It will take time to work out what is going on here 13579.

I think your fear is playing a big part. You are not secure and that is leading to a wrong kind of jealousy and lack of confidence on your part.

Why can't she enjoy herself with other friends so long as she is being faithful sexually and as a wife? I think you are maybe trying to control her and maybe she feels suffocated by it. Could you perhaps try and be happy for her when she is happy instead of seeing it as a threat? Love wants the best for it's object otherwise it isn't love.

She doesn't feel loved by the sound of it and thinks maybe that you always prefer to be out and not with her.

Basically I would let up on the jealousy and control and step up the love by being around when she needs you.

To be honest she sounds a bit immature but that could be her age. Love is a thing to cultivate as well as feeling it. Obviously work needs to be done on your marriage and you need to win her back without the jealousy and control I think.

You could start with finding out what her love language is. There are five of them. As well as general love each of has a love language that if not expressed to us we will not feel love in a special way. They are Gifts (nothing big just the thought) Acts of Service, Touch (as apart from sex, hugs, holding hands etc.) Quality time and Words of Affirmation. One of these will be her love language. Do you know which it is?

Lastly I would say try and reach her with love, not just your feelings. I am talking about love on purpose. It will take getting your mind off yourself a little, with the fears and jealousy you have and concentrate on her to see what is lacking for her in the marriage.
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Old 25th April 2013, 09:19 PM   #8
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Re: marrage and myself are broken

You seem to know what your talking about. She has said that im trying to control her but to be honest i cant see it. I want uer to tell me how i am so i can change it but she wont.

I have no problem with her enjoying herself with her friends. Nothing makes me happier than seeing my wife happy.

As you say i must be insecure within myself and ill have to fix that somehow? And quality time i cant really give her right now. How can i figure out what one she needs from me?



Id love to tell you 100% that i know she wouldnt be faithfull to me i really would. I hope deep down in my yeart she would never do it to our family.

Your right about the immature part tho she is a little. But maybe just because shes missed out on things in the past i dont know. Again she wont talk. Im giving her space now like she asked by being in the bedroom while sye gets on with some coursework in the sitting room.

Im not sure about the love language part tho. I do buy her things quite often.

I asked her tonight if she was bored with her life or what and she said no. I really dont know what is lacking. Maybe its not the lacking but as you say the control?

I really apprieciate the help youve gave me. Im so glad i joined the forum now. Ill deffinatly be giving her more space for things she wants to do and ill try to stop asking her things thats wrong because thats really not helping things atall.

Thank you very much.
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Old 25th April 2013, 10:21 PM   #9
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Re: marrage and myself are broken

She cant hate me that much if shes still here and lets me hold her at nights can she? Im sitting here listening to her dancing around in the living room to her ipod and i feel gokd about it. Magbe allot of space is exactly what she needs.

Im very happy you commented here raymond and the fact you can see whats going on from my posts is great. Ill take your advise and hopefully i can use it the best i can. I really dont want tonloose her and im willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. (Meaning ill change my stupid ways and make her feel more free)

Thanks again.
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Old 25th April 2013, 11:06 PM   #10
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Re: marrage and myself are broken

Also ive been reading up about controlling husbands and boom there it is. What have i been doing why am i like this. I need to change this right now this second this is horrible what ive become. I think more than us both going to counseling that i need to go myself and sort myself out.

Last edited by 13579; 25th April 2013 at 11:11 PM.
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Old 26th April 2013, 08:00 AM   #11
Raymond
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Re: marrage and myself are broken

The great thing is that you see it. A lot don't, even when they are told. That is a big step forward. We cannot control another even our wives. They must feel free to relate to us as they are. They are individuals in their own right. Of course if they tread on our toes we need to confront, but that is something else. Control is a kind of manipulation like one manipulates a puppet on a string. We want them to do what we want them to do for our benefit. That is not love. If love is not given to us freely it is not worth much.

About the bedroom. You have found out that she is bored in doing the same thing. Some are happy to do the same thing every time. I think my wife is but I am not. Therefore I am the one that brings a bit of imagination into it. She thinks it is exciting but she would never initiate it. Why don't you talk to her about it. Maybe she is the one with the ideas. My wife is not comfortable with everything but that's okay. Allow her to bring a few thoughts and see if you are comfortable with it or not. She needs a bit of excitement in that area I think.

About the love languages. I am not telling you to perform them all. Only to see what her particular love language is. One of them will be special to her. I think it would be worth finding out what that was. If it was gifts and I don't know that it is, it wouldn't be a matter of giving her what she asked for but giving her something she hasn't asked for. But don't do anything about that as that might not be her particular love language.

Enough for now.
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Old 26th April 2013, 10:31 AM   #12
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Re: marrage and myself are broken

Thanks for that. I see what you mean and i will need to fix myself. Ive told her now i know what she meams by controling and suffocating and i was sorry for that. I wont make her do anythimg she doesnt want to.

About talking ti her and asking her what she wants. She wont talk about anything. When i ask to talk she gets fustrated and annoyed. I really dont think she wants it fixed. Ill see what the weekend brings ill ask her if she wants to do anything if not i wont push her at all.

She says she isnt bored. Its not about looks and she does love me but only as my sons father.

I do feel like i need her to talk to me and tell me what she needs out of this. If she told me i could make my best efforts to change but again i dont want to be on at her upsetting her.

We havent done anything since this happened asked to watch a film on monday but tuat didnt hqppen no big deal we still sat on the same couch and talked about other things.

She either needs time to figure stuff in her head or she really has gave up on me and is only staying home because of our son or whatever .

Im greatfull for the replies i really hope i can use your comments and help not just our marrage but help my wife to be happier than ever before. Im scared shes gave up totally tho.
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Old 26th April 2013, 12:53 PM   #13
Raymond
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Re: marrage and myself are broken

Winning her back will take time unless there was someone else.

Are you able to check on that without being upset as you are prone to? Do you know her movements? This is a hard thing to say knowing your proneness to jealousy but only one working on the marriage is not very effective if the other has left the marriage in their minds. I know you need some hope here because of all the work you are willing to do but first I think you need to make sure she is faithful and is not cheating. If that is clear then you will have time and opportunity to turn things around.
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Old 26th April 2013, 01:18 PM   #14
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Re: marrage and myself are broken

I dont think she has cheated on me atall. A. We live in a small place so things spread fast and B. Unless it was someone at her work then she wouldnt have time to do it. One thing i noticed a while back was if i sat beside her she would turn her phone or laptop away from me. I did ask and she said it was just yer friends and she didnt know why she done it. So that made me a bit paraniod.

I do trust her enough to be happy that shes out having fun. All i want is for her to talk to me and spend at least one night a week with me doing something.

I really dont know what else to do i do feel like its onlt me trying. She said a few times for me to keep it in ky head that she knows im trying. Some of the things i do she thinks its fake and i dont really want to do it.

Like me staying in more. Obv i want to stay in more now and try and fix things but she just wont let me.

She also said that she thought i was trying too hard and didnt think i ment it.

How can we fix things if she wants me to not be around and wont speak to me about things?

I cant say what she wants or what shes feeling apart from whats been said already.
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Old 26th April 2013, 02:24 PM   #15
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Re: marrage and myself are broken

Ok have first off said sorry and that ill say this now so i dont annoy her later when were at home.

Messaged her saying that i know ive been wrong and ill do everything i can to change. Also said that if shes totaly gave up on me to at least tell me and talk to me about it that i dont want her to be affriad to tell me anything any more. Also that ill leave her alone and im happy shes spending time with friemds to take her mind off it.

She just said to stop forcing it and just to let it be.

Not overly sure what that means but im glad she didnt say shes gave up on me.

Ill not ask her anything to do with it now ill just try to be normal and as i say change things i do and dont do.

I hope i can change myself for our family. Thanks very much to raymond for the massive eye opening reply last night. I guess deep down i did know what i was doing but i didnt know what it was doing to us. Just thought by keping her close would make us a better couple but i was so very very wrong
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