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4th June 2011, 08:12 AM
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#1
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Registered User
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 200
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Really need some advice this is bad
Hi all i have just registered as i am desperate to save my marriage. My wife and i have been together for 23 years and married for nearly 15 years, we are both 40 with 2 kids one 21 and the other 12, my life like most is my wife and kids and have always put them before myself in all situations no matter what which may not have been the best thing to do as after many many happy years together my wife has now told me that old saying but only after asking her why when i was off on holiday from work why she seems so distant.
After being lonely from being off on holiday from work by myself the usual in these times when both are working i asked her why she seemed so distant and had been for some time, she did in the end tell me the old chestnut that she did love me but was not in love with me, i kind of panic as she has never said anything like this before in 23 years. And to top it i noticed she had started befriending old old boyfriends from over 24-30 years ago on Facebook, this really did not help and caused many arguments as i could not understand what was going on nor the need for people she had had no contact with in all these years and are not even friends, there are no other males on her account, she says there just old school friends which i do understand but why now she also has no interest in them but still has them on there even though it hurts me.
We have had many arguments over that last month and she asked for some space as she has been feeling like this for nearly 2 years which i never knew anything about , i did pick up that she was not too bothered when i was not there ( i work nights ) nor was very loving for that period but i put it down to us both working the kids and the usual daily pressure in life we all face i did not suspect there was to serious an issue, she said that she never told me as she felt it would just pass, but has not and her feelings have got less. i am finding this impossible and has seriously affected my life, work and general well being not to mention my mental state, as after the first blow out she told me she did love me daily as i was in a right bad way and couldnt even work, i realise now she had only told me this to make me happy so i could go back to work and obviously as she may have been feeling guilty this is her own words, after a week of what i thought was a good week i would ask her how she was and again she would she she didnt love me anymore, this went on back and fore telling me she loved me then would tell me she did not but only when i asked her i am now in a contant state of insecurity, i cant stop going to her for affection and reassurance and she says she wants to try and also feel the way she used to but she keeps pushing me away emotionally but i am so distressed and no longer know what to do for the best, there is no other people ( guys involved ) fact, but these people on facebook did take some getting used to and have had to let it go even though i find it very hard and have never since being married had any trust issues ever, what should i be doing , distance and leave her to come to me.
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4th June 2011, 08:47 AM
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#2
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad
I think your wife is flirting on facebook and beginning to wander in her mind. It is possible there is a man even though you deny it. It wouldn't be the first time we have heard this but I hope that is not the case.
If I was counseling her I would tell her to love from her will until the feelings came back which they would. Marriage is a commitment stronger than what we feel and she needs to put into it to reap the benefits.
However I am not counseling her but you. My feeling is that any space you give her could be abused and give her fuel to wander. I think you have to keep loving her through this but be very firm on any hanky panky going on with these old boyfriends. She is on a journey which doesn't stop still. This will either lead to a better marriage or she could drift and weaken the marriage.
Really you have to keep loving her and being as good a husband as you can but also keep your antenna up for any unfaithfulness in any form. Once you allow this you could become a doormat. You will need to be strong and even be the one to warn her that you will not be taken for granted if the need arises. Sometimes a shock like that can do the trick if it is called for.
Also try not to take her for granted yourself as this can kill love also. Give her attention and really think about ways that you can love her. You could read The Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman. Any effort in this direction might possibly turn things round, but you musn't put up with any nonsense.
Last edited by Raymond; 5th June 2011 at 08:35 AM.
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4th June 2011, 09:25 AM
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#3
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Registered User
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 200
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad
thank you for a very quick responce, all that you have mentioned i have tried, i asked her to delete these people who i believe mean nothing apart from as you say her mind wandering, i work nights as said and feel this really has had an effect, as we only sleep together at the weekend and she turns away she says its just the way she get comfy?.?. while i am at work she is on facebook constantly usually playing games but not always as she says she is bored even if that means my youngest is sitting upstair playing his xbox all evening.
The face book thing was only brought to my attention when i was off on holiday and bored and started looking at pics of her as i missed her, i even found one friend??? a guy that before we married she had cheated on me with but was 20 years ago, she deleted him saying she never thought about it in that way .
I have been a step ahead and have been checking all activity on our laptops, there has been a few conversations with one guy in particular but has all been very harmless, no suggestion of anything there, even though like many i suspect i think its just me looking for a reason and am a little paraniod that all this has came at once.
She also says i am invading her privicy which to be honest i understand but theres a difference between privicy and secrecy i feel, i tell her all the time how i feel and i suppose i have been a bit smoothering to say the least overkill considering how i am feeling, she said she does not want to be affectionate for fear i think things are all ok but i do need some response as i am really trying hard.
My wife has said i am a great guy father husband etc etc all the usual stuff and i am not at fault, and she just wants to feel as she did before, tbh some of the things she has said have crushed me but then i did ask, so rule dont ask lol, but it aint that easy living with the one you love so badly and being shut out, i find it almost impossible but i must try to be strong, should i give her space and move out for a bit as she suggested it may clear her head or is that a bad idea. i feel as i am hardly here due to work it would cause an even bigger divide and would be easy for her as she already only has to spend the weekends with me which i used to think was quality time during the week we only have a few hours max before i leave for work after her returning from hers...... i am so lost
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4th June 2011, 09:36 AM
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#4
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Registered User
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 200
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad
i did take the i love you but am not in love with you thing (aka) i am trying to let you down gently, very very badly and crumbled for days unable to even work i felt so bad, but she had also said while iwas trying to make the effort to go back to work , that she did infact love me but i managed to catch a coversation she had had the very night i went back thinking things may have turned round, the conversation was with the forementioned guy but was all very harmless, the conversation that got to me was with her twin sister saying that " i do have feelings just not enough i am having to pretend to make him happy " this obviously did not go down to well when i broght it up as well as the guy and the harmless friendly chat, we argued for a while and of course she then told me she did love me??? so now i find it hard to believe her now.
Things have changed in the last few weeks, as i was comin home in the morning and checking the pc for as i call it evidence of her strange behaviour, and would challenge her if i found even the slightest thing i was unhappy with, i know this was wrong but now feel she is resenting me for either being here or maybe because she feel that i am checking, something i have said i am no longer doing.
I do understand that if working away from home or on nights that women will develop a slight independance and routine but surely this after all our years together should not cause this.
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4th June 2011, 09:48 AM
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#5
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Registered User
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 200
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad
the facts....
I go off on holiday after a very busy year
I am lonley as i miss my wife and she is at work
My wife tells me the she no longer loves me thing
I am lonely after this and look for reasurance looking at pics of her on facebook which i never looked at before
I find ex boyfriends from over 23 years ago now on her facebook account all men on there are ex boyfriends ????
Causes argument and she deletes one but i feel hurt as say i am not happy with this and give ultimatium.
She stands her ground as refuses to delete the rest saying theres nothing in it.
Arguments continue
I ask her to sort this out and i did not have trust issues before now
She feel i am invading her privicy and am being controling
She tells me she has not been happy for nearly 2 years but thought things would magiclly get better ???? they never but i was unsuspecting
She contiually tells me she does not want nor love me ( or as much ) only to tell me she does when she sees me crumble
She says she is trying but i dont see it, she is dispondant to affection and asks for space to rethink.
We have or had a very strong relationship with good foundation childhood sweethearts all was good but feels now like everything is all wrong or gone.
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4th June 2011, 08:03 PM
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#6
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad
You are right in that there is a difference in privacy and secrecy. There shouldn't be any secrecy in marriage. If there is I can understand how you feel. One can only get suspicious about it.
This business about having to pretend to make you happy is not good. That should never depart regardless of how we feel if our spouse is being faithful as you are.
This sudden interest in her old flames is not a good sign. She may say it is nothing but I would say it is one of the symptoms of her attitude. Almost as if she is trying the waters outside of marriage. Sizing herself up so to speak. I hope I am wrong.
The answer now is to both work on your marriage but that takes two. Maybe marriage counseling would help if she is open to it. Work and counseling on your marriage would go a long way. Just relying totally on ones feelings can be deceptive. They don't always speak the truth. We need to use our wills as well and do the right things when we know what they are. Feelings will follow.
On a practical level working most of the time cannot have done much for your relationship. Couples have held fast in similar situations but it can't help.
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4th June 2011, 11:10 PM
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#7
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Registered User
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 200
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad
At the moment I am sitting in the kitchen while she is on Facebook playing a stupid game, I only have the weekend to spend real quality time together but still she goes on, I am at my wits end with what to do I can't get threw anymore she is very moody and as she says unhappy maybe even bored. I have only just tried shutting off myself as it hurts too much living with her and not feeling love from her. We have never been like this , I have to say my wife whom I love even more now has caused many probs in the past and I kind off switched off through resentment but after telling me this I realise just how much I love her no matter what , I have lost houses cars and silly amounts of money all of which are irrelevant now so do I give her space and leave chancing losing her or bite the bullet and stay no matter how hard things have became , I love her more now than ever but can't live here knowing how she feels now the cat is out of the bag. To start she was receptive but because of my suspicions which are more paranoia caused arguments and me even begging not good I know , I have no longer any say in my home not even my bank account I really need advice here
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5th June 2011, 01:21 AM
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#8
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,408
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad
Well,
Where is your dignity and self respect man? She makes it clear that she is just there biding time, faking her feelings for you, while at the same time saying she does not feel the same about you any more. Should you grovel? What would that net you? If my husband said and did all that your wife is saying and doing, I would just up and tell him that I respect his feelings and am getting out of his way so he can have more of the privacy he values so much.
She rocked your world, the only way you are going to know if you mean anything to her at this point, is if she believes she is losing you by default and does a complete turn around. She is busy availing herself of fantacies and the world "out there" as if you are not enough for her. That is the level of her present love and commitment. She is busy playing head games with you while taking whatever you have to offer because she KNOWS you are now living in fear. What a great lady.
Last edited by Forever; 5th June 2011 at 01:27 AM.
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5th June 2011, 08:59 AM
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#9
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad
If she was receptive initially HB is there any chance you have messed it up being overly suspicious? I don't know. I don't think it is right what she is doing and it does seem that she has given up on the marriage. I don't think these are grounds to end the marriage but it could lead to grounds to end the marriage if she ends up in adultery. Even then it would be your choice.
Say you walked out, what would her response be? Would she take that as an opportunity to indulge her wandering or would it be a sharp shock to realise that she could end up alone. I don't think you should play around with games like this until you really know.
For the time being I would say continue to confront any flirtateous behaviour that you see and don't set your hopes up for something which isn't there at the moment. I mean coming home for the weekend hoping for closeness etc. but she's not even on the same page. It just leads to disappointment at the moment. I think she is a bit immature the way she is behaving quite frankly.
Keep talking on here. Something may come out of this. Sometimes it takes a while for a clearer picture to emerge.
I don't know if I said this before but it might be a good idea to check what she is feeding on. Not food but her reading and internet practices. Sometimes wrong behaviour patterns can be picked up from the internet etc. promising good things when in fact they are deceptions that lead to devastation in marriage. Just a thought. She might just be gullible.
Last edited by Raymond; 5th June 2011 at 09:04 AM.
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5th June 2011, 10:05 AM
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#10
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad
Thinking a bit more about this (whilst having a shave) may I ask if you take her out at all or is it work work work. Maybe there was a need not being met in marriage as opposed to a want. Nothing justifies affairs but an unhappy marriage would leave her open to temptation.
Do you know what her love language is? We can love a person and still not meet that special need that they have. For some it is Gifts (just the thought), Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Touch (hugs etc. as opposed to sex) or Quality Time. Whilst all of these things may be good one of those will be her special love language. The thing that she specially perceives love from. You may be loving her using your own love language when hers might be different from yours. I think we need to be aware of our spouses love language. My wife's is Touch. Once I realised that she is much happier. I'm not particularly tactile myself but I have learned to be with her.
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5th June 2011, 10:20 AM
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#11
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Registered User
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 200
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad
thank you to you all your advice is helping me. For the last few days i have seen a clearer picture and am trying to not allow her to influence my mood and stay or try to stay upbeat,to be very honest i had not been dealing with this very well, panic and terror had set in and i had been overly smoothering towards her, her reaction then was to push me away not at the start but lately.
After confronting her actions as of late eg looking up ex boyfriends and constantly being on facebook to play games and neglecting her responsibilities other than work she became very defensive and cold, suggesting i was invading her privicy something i had i had never done before but after this i must admit i have been checking, i am no longer eyes wide shut and would rather know what she is doing. In all honesty there is no content i am worried about. I just dont understand why she feels the need.
I have to say after years of constantly losing all due to her it had taken its toll on me and i had threw up a defensive barrier to the extent i had became robotic and was not very loving myself only at the weekend i would expect the love just to be there on her part, we do or did get along week to week but after her telling me how she felt its as if she has let the cat out of the bag and can no longer go back to what she was doing ( acting or trying ??) or feeling, i understand it must have taken a lot to say what she said.
I also understand i had to an extent lost respect for her due to all the problems she had caused not just me but our family over the years.
Weeks ago i after many arguements agreed to move out, she seemed to not care and i went, only to return hours later after realising why should i move out when it is not me who is that unhappy, i mean why should i lose all again including walking away from my children, i returned to tell her to leave if she was that unhappy, she did and went to her mothers but the children did not want to go with her and she left on her own but only for one night and returned saying she could not be without the kids but would stay and look for somewhere else to stay for her and the kids. Her looking for somewhere else has never happened, i have checked.
So we have a stalemate, i do not want to leave and am trying so hard to let her realise just how much she means to me which she already knows , i am doing all around the house taking care of everything as well as working which i am struggling to concentrate on due to what is going on, there just is not enough time in the day but still i push myself, i have lost lots of weight to which she calls the heartbreak diet.
I do feel she has became depressed to an extent but will not do anything about and thinks could not happen to her she will not go to the doc either. she said she had been feeling like this for almost 2 years and her feelings had just got less and less. Finally my trying and sudden change towards her seems to be in vain as she feels i am being fake, i am truely not i have just let down the defense i had put up and am being the person i had been before many years ago which is loving helpful and caring not that i had not been before just more so now only time will let her see i really do love and care for her and this is not an act i had just been so hacked off with what she had done over the years.
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5th June 2011, 10:28 AM
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#12
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Registered User
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 200
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad
believe it or not when i was in such a mess emotionally, after her saying that she loved me but was not in love with me she would do a complete u turn and then tell me she did love me and also use sex to make me feel better, i would then ask after a few days if this had meant anything to her and she would respond by saying it had been fun but there was again no feeling there, very strange i know. Maybe she feels guilty for what she is saying and does not like seeing me in such a state and tries to take back what she had said, i dont know anymore.
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5th June 2011, 10:57 AM
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#13
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Registered User
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 200
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad
R i am starting to understand about the love lang, over the years as you do you speak about you past and childhood good or bad, i realise now that hers was good but mines was bad, i crave touch and security as i never had this as a child but she does not crave the same as her childhood was secure and loving up until her mother and father spilt very badly and truely believe she has never dealt with this, i have searched in my mind what it is she craves and feel as see is a twin and always felt second best as well as her father not being in her life to much now and never really shows that he cares now nor the attention and confermation that she was a nice and worthy person.
What with all the BIG mistakes she has made over the years i admit i have banged on about them which would only serve to make her feel bad and not a good and worthy person same as her dad, she has been mentioning this a lot lately (her dad), so could it be she needs to feel like a worthy and descent person but with me banging on about her mistakes makes her think even less of herself again just like she felt with her dad, which love lang would this be that she feels she is not getting, as touch etc is not the one while mines obviously is, i truely recon i have more than one.
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5th June 2011, 11:36 AM
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#14
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Registered User
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 200
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad
OMG serious moment of clarity, love lang is the key, i thought love ( in my eyes) was touch and affection due to my childhood and had tried this as i perseve this as love, this had not worked as hers is different well is just now, her long lang if this is one is feeling good and worthy about herself and not second best me fueling and going about what she had or is doing wrong only confirmed to her that she is not a good or worthy person, so how do i make her now feel after years of going on about what we had lost due to her a good person again, she really does not think much of herself but must take responibility to an extent for what she had done and realise that by doing these things made her inturn feel bad about herself not just me banging on about them which to be honest she must expect if its affecting our family, how do i change this, must i convince her that she is my world and i really do love her and that she is a decent person even though she is convinced she is not????
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5th June 2011, 07:47 PM
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#15
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad
Hi HB.
First of all there is a difference in a love language need and having a problem.
If her love language is Words of Affirmation she will always need this as this is part of how she experiences love in a special way. If touch feeds you this might be what helps feed her. We usually love in our own love language until we realise that people need to be loved in their language. I always keep my wife topped up with touch but it doesn't work if we are having an argument.
If she has a problem with low self esteem this will be the same as all who have low esteem.
The good news is that this can be changed by the right words. It being her love language as well just makes it more clear that she needs to feel self worth and what better place to get it from than her own husband (apart from God of course).
Your words are extremely important and one cannot underestimate that. I think you have done a brilliant analysis here.
Self worth is different from the worth we get from achievement. Self worth comes when we are loved for ourselves unconditionally. Children who have this do not strive for acceptance through achievement. Her self worth will be improved when you stop the pulling down (as you yourself have analysed) and build her up.
However this is not about lying or flattery which she will quickly see through. It is more about the encouragement of genuine things which we all have in us. Everybody has good points which we need to encourage. We have negative points as well but criticism and tearing down are only destructive forces. The golden rule is to do everything in love.
If you think someone is a lazy slob the thing to do is to encourage, thank and appreciate the little that they do do although you may be wanting to tear into them and pull them down. When people feel better about themselves they function all round in a better way. I am sure that she has many good points that you can appreciate and encourage.
This may take some time but over a period it will take affect. I think you are a really astute thinker who will be able to do this. You are going to get it wrong a lot of the time and shout at her in the wrong way, but always fix this with a sincere apology. Never let your wrong words stay in her and fester.
I think your goal here is not only to love her as you do but to make her feel loved through the way you understand her.
Words of Affirmation is the place to start if your analysis is correct. That would include compliments that you are able to give sincerely, maybe on her appearance or anything else she might do. Are you able to make her feel worth something in spite of the seeds that her father sowed? I think you can do it. Getting the book "The Five Languages of Love" by Gary Chapman will help here. You can get it on this site or where you are if you are in the States.
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