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Old 1st October 2011, 10:22 AM   #331
Chamomile
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

Hi HB

lol

Just remember you need to learn to love and please yourself more. :-)

I looked online and there are some useful sites and phone numbers listed.

"Call us on freephone number 0808 801 0327 - free from landlines and mobile phones. We are open:
Monday - Friday 10am-1pm and 2pm-5pm"


www dot mensadviceline dot org dot uk


Another one is,


National Helpline
01823 334244


www dot mankind dot org dot uk


It might be worth looking through these sites for info, support & advice etc.

Hang in there. Things will only go up once you have hit the bottom.


Chamomile
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Old 1st October 2011, 10:25 AM   #332
Raymond
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

It's unbelievable what is happening in your house. I can hardly get my head around it that your wife gets away with actually attacking you and robbing you. Surely you can do something about this without calling the police. You need to work out some action instead of just moaning. Can't you just deal with her physically when she attacks you? You are a man and she is a woman.

There is nothing you can do about the police inquiry now. Maybe it will not go the way you think. No charges will be made without your consent and why do they need to go to her work? They can see her at your home. You can apologise for calling the police but don't be afraid of her. You only have to do the right thing. Your motivations shouldn't come out of fear of her.

With regard to money maybe you need to cancel the joint account for the time being if she cannot be trusted.

She seems to have a big lack of respect for you and I think you ought to stand up to her instead of just moaning. I still think you should let her mess up if she won't listen but she must know that you will divorce her if she gets into adultery. There may be a chance that she will mess up and be really sorry about it and you might find it in your heart to forgive her, but if she is not sorry you must keep your word and divorce her because the marriage would be finished. Maybe clear guidelines will produce some sanity here instead of the moaning. At the moment she is just riding rough shot over you and you are lost underneath it all.
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Old 1st October 2011, 10:45 AM   #333
heartbroken
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

yeah i dont feel very male at the moment, and i would never do anything to her to stop her when she gets physical, as for the bank account its not a joint one, i have my own that she goes into and she has her own that i never see.

Funny enough a nice new pair of expensive jeans arrived for her this morning,

I just feel all this has went too far now , but i have been wrong before my wife is a very fickle thinker and flips all the time, not worried about the damage it causes.

No doubt she will come back today for clothes or may wait till i go to work tomorrow night, she will tell me its well and truely over and she is filling for divorce again, the previous letter will be followed up. And just as i said in my earlier posts this week that she would have an arguement with me to make me feel that was why she was going out, just shows you my gut feeling is right in its suspitions, because that was basicilly what has happened.

The only way this would ever work was if she was to be really sorry and start towing the line, but this really aint gonna happen she is in it for the long haul and is too stubborn to change.
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Old 1st October 2011, 12:28 PM   #334
Helen_uk
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

HB

Are you seriously telling us your wife has access to your bank account but her own account is for her use only ?

You need to put a stop to this, seriously.

Her behaviour over the last few days is appalling and I think it's time she learned about consequences and cause and effect . The police won't be visiting her at work because of YOU they will be visiting because of HER. Just imagine the uproar and legal consequences if it had been you attacking her , they'd throw the book at you. Domestic violence is not just men attacking women .

If she was that concerned about her job then she should have modified her behaviours and thought about the consequences.

You have to ask yourself what it is about this woman you love and can't live without . She has no respect, no regard for your feelings and if this is her idea of trying to make the marriage work, well I dread to think what she'd be like if she wasn't trying !

Not only have you done the right thing in reporting this assault, you've done the only thing you could . NOBODY should be allowed to get away with assaulting another person in this way. To be honest I think if she's in a position of trust at work then her employers have a right to know how volatile she is .

Is she going to change ? The short answer is no, not unless she feels she has more to lose than gain . And right now she doesn't see that she has.

Here's an idea for you , how about YOU tell HER that the marriage is truly over because she has no respect for you and you're not prepared to put up with her behaviour....

Chamomile is right, you need to start thinking about you and what's best for you .
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Old 1st October 2011, 01:43 PM   #335
heartbroken
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

all i seem to say is thanks but thanks,

Yeah she has full access to my account for years i didnt have the password for online banking but she did, my fault i know but i had lost a lot of interest and trusted with my money, money as a married man i thought was ours, today i am sitting in my house after only days ago i ws paid to find i have no money in my accout well under £50 pounds and a long wait till pay day, as said she had just been paid but has left me with basicilly no money again, this happened last time.

I am getting ready to go to my brothers or mothers i havnt decided yet i just need to get out as i am back to work tomorrow night and my head is in a bad way.

I am scared to go out in case she comes round and takes things from the house that i own, thats how bad it is.

I know i called the police but i feel it was wrong of me doing this i feel bad, shrinking again. But as said she needs to know that this can not happen, she has not contacted me so i am left guessing where they are as i feel i cant call round to see where they are, of course her family will have the picture it was all my fault but i know the truth and to an extent so does some of my family after my wife swaering and acting as she does in front of mother, i am glad she saw how she relly is with me.

My mother has like me put up with her behaviour over 23 years and never judged nor said anything against her even after everything she loves her as a daughter my wife even admitted that my own family treat her better than her own, so to hear my wife swearing at my mother for no reason (she is 64) just shows how she is thinking now, she did say sorry but i am sorry in 23 years she has never done this my mother is a sweet old lady who has never had a cross word or done anything to anyone how dare she, she knows my mother is a dear old lady.

Everyone has told me to leave her or to ditch her but i still love her but that was the person she was not the person she is now and i fear for her there is no going back to the woman she was, the snowball is rolling and gaining momentium, the woman i once knew is gone, what is left is a selfish uncaring woman not wife who will do anything to get what she wants and think of no one, she harps on that she still cares for her kids but what parent allows their children to be put through this, my eldest is so far gone i no longer know him, he has totally turned he is no longer the son i remember either, instead he is an unemployed, sponger who swears and drinks and is full of abuse, mocks his fathers love for his mother and is even crude infront of his mother about sex to which she laughs, she really has had a big influence on him over the years what with me working nights and hardly seeing him they are like 2 peas in a pod, very similar in character.

The family i once remember is gone the only remaining person who is unlike them is my youngest he is soft and cring but i fear he will change if exposed to this behaviour any longer and the 3 of them will all be the same, and so shun me as if my wife turned them, i have tried all my life to live my life with her making allowances for her behaviour living my life if i can call it that, i have no friends i never go out all i do is work, my life is them thats all i know she always hated me having friends and would ignore them or look at them funny, my life was her and the kids, which makes this even harder as i have nothing else only them, thats all i would look forward to at the end of a hard week, to spend time with them, taking the youngest out, sitting with my wife enjoying her company and loving her proud that i was with her and she with me, how wrong i have been. It relly does make this harder.
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Old 1st October 2011, 02:54 PM   #336
Helen_uk
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

HB

I really do wish I could give you a hug, it sounds like you really need one right now.

You've hit the nail on the head , you love the woman she was. She's changed , whether it's MLC or just her deciding she isn't getting what she wants doesn't change the fact she is being disrespectful and uncaring , nor does it help you.

Please, please think about yourself . You can't change her or what she's doing but you can choose to change your reactions to it . It may just shock her into thinking about what she's doing.

It wasn't wrong of you to call the police, do you think she wouldn't hesitate to do the same if the situations were reversed ? She surely must have expected you to. Anybody would.
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Old 2nd October 2011, 10:12 AM   #337
Chamomile
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

Quote:
Originally Posted by heartbroken View Post
all i seem to say is thanks but thanks,

Yeah she has full access to my account for years i didnt have the password for online banking but she did, my fault i know but i had lost a lot of interest and trusted with my money, money as a married man i thought was ours, today i am sitting in my house after only days ago i ws paid to find i have no money in my accout well under £50 pounds and a long wait till pay day, as said she had just been paid but has left me with basicilly no money again, this happened last time.

I am getting ready to go to my brothers or mothers i havnt decided yet i just need to get out as i am back to work tomorrow night and my head is in a bad way.

I am scared to go out in case she comes round and takes things from the house that i own, thats how bad it is.

I know i called the police but i feel it was wrong of me doing this i feel bad, shrinking again. But as said she needs to know that this can not happen, she has not contacted me so i am left guessing where they are as i feel i cant call round to see where they are, of course her family will have the picture it was all my fault but i know the truth and to an extent so does some of my family after my wife swaering and acting as she does in front of mother, i am glad she saw how she relly is with me.
Hi HB

I am so sorry that you are in a bad place at the moment.

It's so Good to see that Raymond and Helen giving you their solid moral support and being there, to comfort you in your time of need.

It may be wise to change the lock before you leave your house. Perhaps, you can start initiating some plan of action, which would be necessary to protect your belongings and ensure your safety given the current circumstances.

Hope you would be able to seek other forms of support, info & advice available on Monday.
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Old 2nd October 2011, 10:29 AM   #338
Chamomile
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

Quote:
Originally Posted by Helen_uk View Post
HB

Are you seriously telling us your wife has access to your bank account but her own account is for her use only ?

You need to put a stop to this, seriously.

Not only have you done the right thing in reporting this assault, you've done the only thing you could . NOBODY should be allowed to get away with assaulting another person in this way. To be honest I think if she's in a position of trust at work then her employers have a right to know how volatile she is .
Yes, Helen. I agree with you. I'm actually shocked by the whole thing re. the banking situation and the rest. How so little control HB seems to have got left in his marriage or even in his own life.

I'm with you on this; I personally don't feel that anyone would need to justify himself or herself for seeking an assistance from a relevant authority given the seriousness of the situation. Shame that many people in a similar situation, are sometimes too afraid of coming forward to report because they are ashamed or are afraid in some ways.

So, HB, you have made a huge step forward. Yes, I agree with Raymond and Helen, once again. You'd need to start to take control in your life more. Baby steps, yes?
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Old 2nd October 2011, 12:21 PM   #339
heartbroken
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

thanks,

I know the situation is bad, i know that my life has been all about her and that i have little to no control over my life.

My understanding over the situation is ( its taken me long enough) as i loved the woman that was not the woman that is, is that for years and years my wife was for the most part just that, devoted and caring as well as a mother i loved this and she loved me, but there was a prob she gave up too much to be just that and felt that this was what she had to do not what she wanted to do so supressed her needs and wants for the most part and had a very self distructive nature, but there was a want burning away in her that would rear its ugly head once the kids were up.
While she was working in an enviroment with only a few people and not much social outings she did not feel the pressure or need to go out, that lasted for 11 years, but her job ended and i stepped up my finacial game because i had to as she was not working, she was a stay at home mum, things were all ok and she was still devoted and caring to all of us, but as the finaces started to get tight again she felt she had to go back to work, this took three years but she had lost a lot of confidence and did not feel very independant as i was making all the money, but she managed to find another job.

Her confidence soared and combined with the fact that i had now taken on a nightshift role and she got used to me no longer being here she started feeling more independant including finacially, the first year she was just getting to know the girls at work but by the second she had got very friendly and was no being asked out a lot but refused because of her comittment at home, time went by and her need or want started to grow and she may have came to the conclusion that she no longer needed me in her life finacially nor emotionally due to thee above, i picked up on her lack of love and did try to speak to her but this was not working, her need for me started to leave her, as she gained even more confidence as well as the as she see due to the girls at her work having this lifestyle ( maybe they were in unhappy relationships to ) she got in tow with them and decided that why should she not start doing this, this is the norm as she is surrounded by it, of course after 23 years of not i found this hard to accept or she knew i would find it hard, going out on the lash till all the hours just for the sake of it, i understand special occasion but not just for the hell of it not including me, she knew she wanted this as she had surpressed it for many years and now that it was in her face all the time now she couldnt resist, and so decided to end things with me.

As she knew i could not put up with this even though she did not want to be with another, i couldnt believe it due to her past. Her diet on the internet and at work is dis your hubby, or have a laugh at them, many posts on fb like "life is to short, if you get a chance take it, i treat other the way they treat you" all this sort of things that is in effect influencing her even though she says it is not, so with all these factors in place i stand no chance she is surrounded by it and i know she has her own mind but if she has surpessed all this lifestyle due to kids etc and now there up she has found it impossible to resist now and wants me out of her life in order to live it, me moaning and contesting it only fuels it ( the man hate thing) and so we go round in circles, i stand no chance i know she still loves me but but if i stand in her way she will want me gone, to me it seems she is very selfish and childish, that person has no place in my life and until she realises that there is a conciquence ( i doubt it) then this will not stop, she has said life is easier with me not in it as i moan at her alot about what she is now doing i never did before, me moaning nd kicking off only makes her think i am not a descent guy, her last photo on facebook was something like, "many women are choosing to live single now" not very good to see.

As much as she said she would try her resentment for whatever , she would find fault in anything, she couldnt as she knew she wanted to live like this and anted to but with me it would impossible as i deem it as unnacceptible in a marriage, now and then yeah by all means but not all the time.

At the moment i am sitting in my kitchen on the laptop typing this not knowing what she is going to do next my youngest son stayed here in the family home with me last night, but i have work tonight and really can not take any more time off for fear of being disipined as i have been off already many times due to this, she has not called to say who will look after my youngest tonight when i leave to go, so i will have to make plans myself or she mayl turn up last minute knowing i will go to work and she wont have to face me if she is watching him and staying here all very childish, but she forgets our son is caught in the middle due to her and this disgusts me.

Does all this sound about right.

I know i need to stop thinking like this and decide, my mind says she is no longer for you but my emotions say otherwise, i know if or when she comes back i will have to put up with this all over again and she will continue to act like this and the only way to stop the arguing is to say nothing but i find this impossible and humilating and cant help myself, yeah i know i should leave she is pushing all the buttons to force me out what man/woman can put up with this , she feeds me what i need but still acts in this selfish way, i am never going to leve i know that, i will be carted off to an asylam or she will wait for a place of her own which comes first is anyones guess, but i must take control of my own reactions and not let all this get to me, easier said than done when no matter what i do as well as her still love her and for that very reason i forgive everything, help!!!

Last edited by heartbroken; 2nd October 2011 at 12:43 PM.
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Old 2nd October 2011, 04:44 PM   #340
39herbert
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

HB
I have been following your story from the start and found it gripping and very sad, . I feel very much for both you and your wife. Its my impression that its a case of being married far too young. Both of you missed out on the most important times of your lives. Instead of looking after houses and babies in your late teens and early twenties you should have been traveling the world or at least out on the lash most nights of the week. Every body needs this type of time in their life and its now once the kids are older that your wife realises how much she missed by settling down so young. I think you and other people on this board think that your wifes going out is all about other men. I think its more about having a laugh with the girls every women needs this. You keep on saying your wife has changed, of course she has she was never gonna stay that 16 year old she was when you first met . It sounds very much as i am defending your wife I'm not her behavour towards you has been horrible. I beleive that its not too late to save your marriage but your wife needs a lot of space she's bored and feels trapped. You played it badly when she first started going out by making far too big an issue over it. If you had just said nothing and let her go out without any issues I reckon she would have blown off some steam and soon realised that going down town isn't all its cracked up to be. Now she knows it gets to you and is using it against you. Things have detereated very badly for you over this weekend and it may be too late, but as I said before given some slack I think you and your wife can have a future. Working nights is awful I know I do two night shifts a month and thats enough for me. Get back on days and try to persuade your wife you can have fun together and things just might work out. If she comes back this weekend and wants you to go , i reckon you should. That will stop her having the upperhand in the relationship which she has at the moment and give her the freedom she needs. She will soon realise that being single isn't all that, and if she doesn't well it is too late. good luck
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Old 2nd October 2011, 08:34 PM   #341
chosen
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

I dont know. I got engaged at 18 and married at 19 and had my first child at 21. We bought our first home at 20, and I never felt I had missed out on anything. We dont all need to travel the world to feel fulfilled. Those who do these things early, can have more time to do other things when the children have grown up, but with their spouses and not acting as if they are single.
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Old 2nd October 2011, 10:01 PM   #342
Helen_uk
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

I don't think whether or not HB's wife is seeing someone else is the point here . She might be , but even if she isn't she's making herself available to it .

In the process she's being disrespectful and on occasion abusive.

I don't think I'd be prepared to wait around for my fiancé to sow his wild oats in this way in the hope he'd get it out of his system and come back....

I was married at 16 and had my first child at 19 , at no point in my life have I felt the sudden urge to go out and party or have secret friendships on face book whilst in a relationship. I've never felt I " missed out " . I made choices to marry and have a family at a young age , I kept my vows.
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Old 3rd October 2011, 10:09 AM   #343
heartbroken
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

last night was not good, my wife came back into the house, and i just could not shut up i know i should but the things she is doing has pushed me over the edge and i just cant let them go, my mother and father ended up coming round as i think i have had a breakdown or something, they had to call the doctors as i just couldnt calm down, i understand i must shut up but i just cant do it in her presence.

I managed to get an appointment at the docs and about to leave , i am again off work as i just cant cope. One other prob my sister in law her twin is to have her baby today ( a section) but i have been told i can not go along with her to the hospitial m y wife does not want me there, i have known her sister as long as i have known my wife and this really hurts to feel this shunned, her mums 60th birthday party is in a few weeks and i have been told i am not welcome my wife said this, this woman really has pushed me to breaking point and does not see what she is doing to me, she blames it all on me and how i am acting but can not see by the way she is acting towards me is thee reason i am now in this mess, to be totally neglected shunned looked at like something on your shoes kills me i just cant take this anymore, i know i should leave but cant i just cant, i feel she is tormenting me by being here and loves it when i am not, i am to go to the docs to get something to help me its that bad i just can not switch off anymore its with me all day and night, i cant cope i am irrational etc not good. Why is my wife still acting like this towards me when she sees whats its doing, me acting like this fuels her anger and pushes her away, i have asked her to stop for my own sanity but she wont and says its how i am acting.
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Old 3rd October 2011, 10:55 AM   #344
Raymond
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

HB you must take some control over yourself. This is getting quite bad. I know she is acting bad but you must not blame her for your condition. That is a cop out. You know the situation inside out. It is time you stopped letting it get to you. You need to get away and take stock. I have said this before but you must stop the moaning. She is feeding on this and that gives her confirmation to go out again.

Chamomile talked about baby steps. Start with something. Perhaps you can secure your bank account from her. That would give you some financial independence without her robbing you. It is very unhealthy to let her kick you about even though you love her. That would reduce her respect for you to nil. You have to break this passivity and work out steps to take. You cannot change her by trying but she could change possibly if you sorted yourself out. What pattern are you setting for your youngest about what a husband is? You really need to take some control of your life if only for him. If she ends up in adultery she will have to take the consequences and you must not be a doormat if that ever happened. Settle that in your mind now. You are fighting for self survival now.

Your first obvious discipline is to secure your bank account now.
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Old 4th October 2011, 11:12 AM   #345
heartbroken
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

My wife has put back some money into my account, its not that she robbs it it just that i allowed her to have access and i dont really bother.

Last night i took some medication i did feel a bit dodgy and the same this morning but my head has cleared and gave some thought to the situation, i know i am not the happiest of peolpe for a long time i have been misreble and not good fun to be round what with all lifes stress, things really got me down i would imagine this affected my wife and made her unhappy, i have noticed over the years that she like and to a point is attracted to people with a fun loving personallity something i have been lacking big style, this may have turned her off me and so reaches out for a laugh speaking to the guy nd also going out, she is always banging on about i just want to have fun and a laugh, i have totally lost my sense of humour i need to get it back, no love langauge or letting her see and know how much i love her will make her want to spend more time with me or be with me, i need to sort myself out and get back to having a sense of humour and fun round her.

For the moment she is home saying she will try, but does not want to spend time with me as i am misreble i need to snap out of this and stop being depressed, i need to have a laugh, with her.
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