Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  

Go Back   2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums > Advice > Marriage Help

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 20th September 2011, 10:04 PM   #301
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Really need some advice this is bad

Pretty headstrong then. If she is determined I don't see how you can stop her. I think you have to be a man and prepare yourself for the worst just in case. What I mean is that if she ever gets into adultery you need to be ready never to put up with it. Tell her to leave or whatever. You have to make up your mind now.

Hopefully that will not happen and the thrust will eventually fizzle out. However I think you need to be prepared because if you had to put up with unfaithfulness you would become a doormat if you did not deal with it decisively.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd September 2011, 07:03 PM   #302
heartbroken
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 200
Re: Really need some advice this is bad

yeah i do suspect the worst at times but she is trying in her own selfish way i suppose but i m very suspitious, to start going out when she was never tht social before is playing on my mind concidering she has said or set a benchmark for how many times she is wanting to go out without me, seems odd when if you are trying to make things work that you would want to do this but she has said that i need to trust her and she would never cheat after i ask her.

She is being more loving but i can not approach her about anything without her going off on one, not defensivly but just touchy, when i ask her to work on things before she starts going out she just says no i will do as i want, i just need to trust her but of course this needs to be earned and considering what has been going on i find it hard, i want to believe her but at the moment i just feel if you really wanted to make things work you would take the other persons feeling into account, maybe i am being too harsh and way off the mark thinking the worst when she is or choose to go out into town till 3am but lets face it, it aint the best desision at the moment is it, she says she needs to get out with the girls now and then i get that i really do but she has never done this before and all seems a little sus, she is now willing to go out with me but i feel this is only so she can go out with her pals kind of a comprimise and feel she really doesnt want to, but time will tell, i have said talking to an ex on fb is one thing paying with fire while out and getting drunk is another, and she has not got the best of records, this has happened before yeah it was 220 years ago but does a lepoard relly change its spots, yeah but only if they want to.

I have the choice to go dayshift now, but she has said this would be bad at the moment as she feels i would be round her too much and therefore start kicking off with her, again maybe another bad sign that really she does not want to spend time with me, all points to the fact that she would rather spend less time than more trying to fix things, bearing in mind that i work nights and hardly see her, all suggests that she dont want to spend the time together and i get that cause she feels we will just argue at the momnet, she has said after a period of time if things get better she would be happier with the dayshift thing but i dont know i just aint getting a goo vibe, oh yeah one other thing sex for the moment is a no go for her as she says she feels she is only used for that, no the case but she feels that i only see her as a sex object and this will take time, so after all these years and even after her admitting we have never had a prob in this dept now sex is of f the cards, yeah i know this all dont look to good, but it would be easy to jump the gun and suspect the worst but i know for now she is not cheating on me (fact ) but the intention may be there but she says this is not the case, she did take her time to sort herself out downstair before going out and if not interested in sex why do this she said it is for her and she feels better about herself this way but i dont know, all this maybe the fact that she needs me to court her more and feel more loved but then if this is the case why not maximise the possibility instead of not. What do you guys think am i being too trusting.
heartbroken is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd September 2011, 01:01 PM   #303
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Really need some advice this is bad

I must agree with you HB everything looks mighty suspicious and doesn't really encourage trust. It is very wrong of her not to share intimacy with you and this puts yet another barrier between you. Not the sign of one working on her marriage and refusing is very wrong in my opinion without a good reason.

She says you are just using her for sex. Hmm you are her husband. To put the best spin on it you have to ask yourself that question. My wife once said to me a long time ago that I only hug her when I am wanting sex. That is not true now as I have learned that her love language is touch and she needs that. Sex is another department and the hugs would be different. You could look and check whether that is true with you. Sex is normally part of relationship for a wife and it is possible for us men to overlook that. Having said that we do have needs as they have which should be met in marriage.

I don't like the signals here but do not know enough about her to make a judgment nor should I. I think you need to just keep your eye on things but this lack of sex can put an enormous wedge between you if is not dealt with quickly by her.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th September 2011, 07:10 AM   #304
heartbroken
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 200
Re: Really need some advice this is bad

things aint good, the weekend was a disaster.

All started when she added the guy she had been talking to to her close friends list on FB, i was not happy and spoke to her saying there is no place for him in our lives even if it is innocent enough as it is causing major probs. She refused to deal with it as she sees she is doing nothing wrong and they are just friends, tbh i know there aint anything going on with them but her being secretive about him makes me worry, the fact that she had him call her 2 months ago and was talking to him for over an hour when i was at work makes me v unhappy, but she said this was to tell him she couldnt not talk to him because of me, and says if she wants to talk to him she will, but theres nothing in it, but to make him a close friends suggests the opposite.

This flared up and i got really unhappy as i feel she is hiding things from me, i realise that i moan and bang on about things but it is the things she is doing that are wrong i bang on about and cant help myself as i feel hurt by her lies and sneakyness, of course she is not happy about my moaning and so hates spending time with me, then she comes to the conclusion that she does not want to be with because of it, but i relly feel i cant let her do these things and so we go round in circles, why oh why is she doing this, as she knows that i will moan about it and this makes her unhappy when i do, so why do them in the first place, in my head its because she wants to but because of me she has to resist, this makes me think that deep down she wants to do things that are not the signs of a loving wife and have no place in a marriage, she wants to do them but feels she cant if she is with me, now i aint suggesting for a minute that she stop doing the normal things in life but to act this way am sorry but i am going to mention it as they have no place, sounds like she is selfish and wants to talk to other men even though as she says is harmless and nothing in it so why hide it, to say its because i would go nuts is an excuse guys that she had a past with as well as going out on a Saturday night with the girls partying till 3.30am without me, something she has never wanted to do or done before, i aint happy about this so harp on she get hacked off as to be with me she must stop, am i wrong here to expect this to stop, my head is not in a good place and feel i need help i am not coping at all.
heartbroken is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th September 2011, 07:53 AM   #305
heartbroken
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 200
Re: Really need some advice this is bad

To clarify my wife wants to do as she pleases and for me not to complain about it, talking to ex bfs, going out partying, she has said that it would not be all the time but at least once a month, but i think that once she gets into it and gets even more friendly with these people which are workmates this will happen more often, if i moan about it she will be more inclined to go out, i really cant win, if i dont moan about it and do not show how unhappy i am about it she will think i have no problem with it.

I know that i go on alot about things but she is not showing the actions of a wife, or am i expecting too much from her, for her to never have went out in the past and now all of a sudden i find this hard and ask myself why ?? thinking she will cheat i am very unhappy about her going out drinking till the early hours surrounded by guys who no doubt will be asking her if she wants a drink etc and how she may be acting when out, over the last while she has became more and more independent which i am happy about but as this happens she is pushing me to the side and doing things that are not good for a relationship.

As she has gained a new sense of independance and of course more time as the kids need less and less time spent on them she has all this time what with me being on nights too, and so starts to talk and chat on FB as she is bored and has nothing else to do, i moan about it even though she says theres nothing in it and in turn pushes her away, but i feel i have to mention that it is inappropiate , she then trys to cover it up and in turn i feel she is hiding something from me for a reason considering she had been talking to an ex but no longer is ???, but she says it because i act this way she hides things but still does it ( she is no longer chatting to the guy ). She just cant see the problem as she says she is doing nothing wrong.

Things were going really well, but only if i dont mention things to her, then she does something that hurts i mention it she refuses to deal with it then i bang on asking why she did it in the first place and ask her to stop, she again refuses saying i am being controlling she continues doing things and so fuels the paranoia in my mind, instead she should be reassuring me, she does to a point with words but her action say a different things, suggesting she wants to talk to him ( she has said she does but because of me she doesnt) and to go out a lot, in turn spending less and less time with me, i do understand because of my moning she wants to spend less time with me but its only because of what she is doing i dont moan usually, she just feels that time with me is boring and makes her unhappy because of it. But i can not stop!!!

I do feel i am starting to obsess now my mind is constantly on the prob, worrying all the time, i go to her for contant reassurance but is only given some of the time, i also know that for the most part she will tell me things to shut me up.

This aint good folks, but again today we are getting along, i feel i have a niggle and is bugging me, it will build up and i go to her again asking and moaning, i will go to my work tonight trying to trust her but my mind contantly thinks what is she up to.

I think i now need to go back to the docs as i cant stop thinking about things, and may need something to help me deal with this, i know things would be good if i could stop moaning, lets face it who wants to be with a moaner, but i feel i am only moaning because of what she is doing, am i wrong???

i am a born worrier, i am also an anxious person more so now because of her actions.

Last edited by heartbroken; 26th September 2011 at 07:58 AM.
heartbroken is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th September 2011, 12:44 PM   #306
heartbroken
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 200
Re: Really need some advice this is bad

the situation is, over the last 6-8months we have been to a very bad place in our marriage, mostly on her part being secretive after saying she felt she no longer loved me, letters from solicitors followed and all hope seemed lost, we managed to still stay together and i had to try hard to stoke the fire enough to get things rolling again, this was after her chatting to an ex boyfriend decades ago and even handing her number out to him, now she wants to go out partying with workmates that i feel have influenced her somewhat or she feels that would like to take part in this after never ever being into this before other than when she was in her 20s (and cheated on me).

So i now have to be happy with the fact that even though my marriage is not truely repaired yet, her talking to one guy in particular on fb and her moby while i was at work, as well as her cheating on me many many years ago in a similar enviroment, her taking drastic measure in her apperance more than i have ever seen in 23 years, her constantly checking herself out i am now being told that she will be going out with likeminded woman of the same age for what she says is harmless and just for fun, yeah thats maybe the case but have they ever been seriously attacked and had to receive over 60 stiches on their face because some guy years ago decided to hit them with a pint glass , erm i dont think so , yeah i worry rightly so she aint exactly got the best track record when out on that scene, but she swaers its just to let her hair down even though she never really felt the need to before now.

I realise we all need to have fun but fun with the girls etc is going to theirs for a laugh and a drink in a safe enviroment or going out for something to eat, not going out getting hammered till 3.30am-4.00am in places that are loaded with guys who tbh are not out for the beer or dancing, playing with fire. OK maybe it is all harmless etc yeah guys will pester her shes a good looking woman very sexy yeah she may well tell them she is married and not interested but how long before she needs another ego stroke but a more demanding one, god i am so paranoid about this, i just feel if she is working on the marriage this is not the time for this and tbh has no place in a marriage anytime, i got married and settled down no longer interested going out to meat markets, if i want a laugh i hook up with pals but draw the line going out into town with them, am i wrong ????? is this acceptible behaviour for a married woman with 2 kids who marriage took a turn for the worst and is trying to fix it.

I am always waiting for her to tell me she is going out again every week and feel if she could she would go out every weekend, she told me one a month but i know this will increase, why would you want to spend less time with your husband if you were trying to sort things i hardly see her as is, i just aint buying all this.
heartbroken is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th September 2011, 01:28 PM   #307
Helen_uk
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,531
Re: Really need some advice this is bad

I think you need to listen to what your gut instinct is telling you ..... Her behaviour is unacceptable for a married woman and sorry, I doubt very much if this is all innocent fun.

The fact you're so uncomfortable with it all, and she doesn't seem to care that you are is a red flag to me.

There is nothing harmless about going out and getting drunk with a bunch of other people doing the same, not for married people .

I don't think you're paranoid at all , I would react exactly the same way if my fiancé behaved in this way . It's just wrong.
Helen_uk is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th September 2011, 01:39 PM   #308
heartbroken
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 200
Re: Really need some advice this is bad

thanks helen, i am getting really carried away with this, my heart races and my stomach churns, i feel ill.

To make things clear its been about 18-20years since she has cheted on me when out in town, i was offshore at the time.

Same amount of time since she was attacked again i was offshore.

I just cant handle that all of a sudden she now after 23years is mrs socible after not really going out in that sort of enviroment, yeah the occasional girls night out at theirs etc have fun by all means but out drinking surrounded by guys dancing etc makes me ill, i did have trust believe it or not but at the moment no, tbh i dont think i would ever be happy with this.

She gets on the 4 inch heels slaps on the make up and i am supposed to believe is all for the fun of it after her talking to some ex on FB and hiding it, i just dont have the trust anymore.

She is not happy with me going dayshift as she feels i would nip her head, for all the stuff she is doing when i am not here.

She has started buying lots of new clothes to go out in, lots of expensive creams etc perfumes, i just dont think for a minute she is going out for the fun.

I onlu have a day and a half at the weekends to see her and now she has set a benchmark that she will be going out into town with them at least once a month.

Is it normal for a married woman with these probs to want to go out even though she says its to let her hair down, all of a sudden.

They all do it at her work singles and married and she feels this is normal and is not asking much to do so once a month, i also feel that she is strongy influenced by her workmates oh and FB, yeah she is adult enough to make up her own mind, but feel she is comparing her own social life to theres, she said she is not but the change in my wife since returning to work is shocking.
heartbroken is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th September 2011, 02:56 PM   #309
heartbroken
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 200
Re: Really need some advice this is bad

that last saturday she was out she came home with mud etc on her bum and bruising on her leg (quite big) and both her elbows, yeah i had the paranoid head on thinking how wink wink the bruising got there but i recon she just fell what with wearing the high heels and being drunk but at the time and for a week she couldnt remember how, just the other day she said she remembers having a slip, why is my head so paraniod???

all this looks suspect i know and its easy to jump the gun, i could be making things look worse than they are nd all is innocent. But it was a strnge bruise, it was on her thigh half way down on the outside but straight agross about 7 inches, she must have noticed how she got this.
heartbroken is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th September 2011, 03:52 PM   #310
Helen_uk
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,531
Re: Really need some advice this is bad

The thing is heartbroken that it doesn't matter if it's all innocent or not . She's your wife. It makes you feel uneasy , that should be enough for her to tone it down.

I've never been one for thinking married couples should be joined at the hip , and I think it's healthy to have some " me time " in a relationship. But that isn't what this is at all.... This is being disrespectful .

Truth is, reading through your posts , she doesn't seem to care how much it's affecting you , she's just hell-bent on having a good time .

For me ,my partner having regular nights out getting drunk with single friends, and having secret friendships on Face Book would be a deal breaker . Regardless of her reasons, and regardless of how innocent this is, it's hurting you . That should surely be reason enough for her to stop if she loves you ?

Last edited by Helen_uk; 26th September 2011 at 04:01 PM.
Helen_uk is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th September 2011, 04:25 PM   #311
heartbroken
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 200
Re: Really need some advice this is bad

in all fairness helen, there not all single , last time it was 2 other married women, but they were hammered.

I do think she needs time to herself but there must be boundries the prob is the other women stay out till this time and for her to say i am going home earlier would make her look silly in front of them i see that, she finds all this acceptable as all her workmates are doing the same eg FB going out. That seems to be the problem she is compring her life with other, a life she was quite happy with to a point but no sees another life that she quite likes the look of, i cant stop this but its a total change from what she was once before, the weekends are tense usually not all the time but usually.

There is an engagement party this weekend and usually it would be a couple event, i asked her about this before and she said tht if it was couples she would ask me along, but now nearer the time she has hinted that she will go with one of her other workmate, i asked why and could we not go as a couple it would be nice, but now she is saying she is going to go, i asked why and she said because it would mean i would go and she isnt wanting that, she feels i would cramp her style, i feel terrible knowing this.

I bet that nearer the weekend she will fall out with me and go regardless, watch this space.

She did flip on Sturday after we had had a few vodka and red bull drinks, i mean within a split second one minute she mentioned the night out and told me she would be going with her pal from work, i then was away to say something and she went crazy storm out of the room slamming doors and went to bed in a foul mood, i didnt even get a word out yet, i blame it on the red bull lol, i would pouring her anymore of them lol, is asked her about it the next day and she couldnt remember at all.

I am now getting ready for another stressfull week at work, my nerves are shattered they really are, i was doing so well but all this is getting to me, i must try to stay strong but am stuggling with it now, i feel i must speak to her she would then come to me consider my feelings and all would be ok but this is not going to happen the way i see it, but will be on her terms, her way or no way.

Why can i not see she is not considering my feeling and think she still does care, and i suppose in her own way she does but doesnt show it too well, she seems reserved but then again it could be because she is expecting me to bang on about things again i get that.

As for her secretive behaviour i do feel partially responsible as i do get annoyed about what she is doing and she feels by not telling me being secretive that this is the right thing to do, of course its not as when i find out i lose trust, she swears its harmless chat, but to put him as a close friend worries me deeply as i am not on that list and she says that i am her husband and thats a different list lol, why can she not see what she is doing, and instead thinks i am being controlling, oh my head.
heartbroken is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th September 2011, 05:44 PM   #312
Helen_uk
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,531
Re: Really need some advice this is bad

Heartbroken,

To be honest think you're making excuses for her . You're going round and round in circles and justifying her behaviour.

Of course you know her, I don't , but until you get things straight in your own head , I don't think you're going to find a solution.

It boils down to whether you can live this way or not . If you can then you should maybe ease off a bit. If you can't then you have to make that clear. At the moment you sound very confused.

I'm not attacking your wife at all, it's not my place to do so , but all marriages need boundaries, in fact all relationships do. You should perhaps sort out what your boundaries are together and try and find a compromise.
Helen_uk is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th September 2011, 06:18 PM   #313
heartbroken
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 200
Re: Really need some advice this is bad

sorry Helen, i never thought for a minute you were and i can relate to what you are saying wholeheartly thanks, the problem is i cant live like this but i cant live without her either big prob, i know i make excuses for i catch myself doing it.

The prob i have is she has total control over me which is not a good thing i have no say in what she does and because she know i want to be with her she can do whatever, not a good situ tbh.
heartbroken is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th September 2011, 07:33 PM   #314
Helen_uk
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,531
Re: Really need some advice this is bad

I've been there heartbroken, you have my empathy . I think eventually you get to a point where you discover that you really can live without them. It takes a while though.

The position you've been put in isn't fair , it's a horrible way to live with that worm of doubt wriggling away in the pit of your stomach and there is no peace of mind at all.

I do think that deep down she must realise that this isn't a good or fair way to behave but she's caught up in the new-found excitement . If she is aware of what it's doing to you then I can't see how she can love you or a least not as much as you love her .

Eventually you'll reach a place where you just can't live this way any more ,and then she will either stop or the relationship won't survive , until then I just don't think life is gong to improve for you - sorry
Helen_uk is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th September 2011, 01:14 PM   #315
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Really need some advice this is bad

Sorry I've been away for a few days but I agree with what Helen says. Reading between the lines she is taking you for a ride and isn't really being a good wife in my opinion. It is totally out of order. If you were there it would be different but why should you have to drink until four in the morning? Add to this that she is not having sex with you speaks volumes. Her heart is somewhere else it seems and I can't believe she is not flirting a little in that atmosphere. It seems that if you cannot rein her in do the opposite and give her the rope. However if it goes wrong, which it may, you need to do the necessary and end the marriage. That is the big problem as I know you will find this difficult to do. The alternative could be becoming a doormat.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 01:06 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer