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Old 20th June 2012, 05:32 PM   #1
gareth
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Great marriage but no sexy for a year.

Hello, I'm new here & to all this.

We've been married for almost 15 years, things were pretty normal I suppose, started out with huge amounts of passion then we grew up a bit & things were great. Until ten years ago I had an affair, I realised it was totally wrong & ended it but the damage was done. We got over it but its always been lurking there in the background.
We have two kids 10 & 6 who are both brilliant.
We both work hard, I work early starts & my wife's job never gives her much free time. Things are fine between us, we never row & we work well together orgainising a busy home. My wife is envolved in varoius organisations & i encourage her in these. Money isn't a big worry & we have a few nice holidays a year.

just one problem, we have made love less & less since my fling until the point has come where its been a full year since anything happened. We even went away for a night in a hotel for an awards 'do' but nothing happened. i don't like to prssure her & I think thats a bad thing but it seams like i just cant get her in the mood.
I can't think how I can talk to her about it without upsetting her.

Any advice?

Last edited by gareth; 20th June 2012 at 07:04 PM.
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Old 20th June 2012, 08:20 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: Great marriage but no sexy for a year.

I would guess she could still be wounded from your affair and the trust has not been fully restored. This may have been swept under the carpet. She is probably very efficient and a good mother but the affair must have hit her for six. Trust is the thing that takes the longest to build up but can be broken the quickest.

I take it you were very repentant over this and that she has forgiven you (or has she?). I would say that it is your job to restore the trust and hers to forgive. Do you live an open life with no grounds for her to be suspicious that it could happen again? Are your relationships with the opposite sex all above board. What about your internet habits. Any of these things could still be eating away at her because of the devastation caused by the affair. You may need to work on assuring her that she is the love of your life which she should be.

Another thing not to be overlooked is her relationships with the opposite sex because of the rejection she may have felt over your affair. We have been caught out time and time again on this one so it is worth checking.
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Old 20th June 2012, 09:10 PM   #3
gareth
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Re: Great marriage but no sexy for a year.

Thanks for replying, yes my dealings with other women are 100% legit. I've thought about finding someone else but I don't WANT someone I want her, she's the love of my life. I'm very open with her, I never go out when she doesn't know where I am & leave my phone & PC unlocked.
She forgave me & says it sometimes hurts still but that she trusts me. She trusts me to visit my best friend who lives in the same town as my ex girlfriend, so I guess it's ok .
I've thought about her seeing someone else, she does go out alot to meetings & stuff, but it all checks out & I could check with other people if she was there or not so I'm sure she's not playing away .

I think I need to talk to her, just can't stand upsetting her...
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Old 20th June 2012, 10:39 PM   #4
chosen
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Re: Great marriage but no sexy for a year.

I cant see how you can avoid talking about this to her if you want to sort it out. Why do you think it will upset her?
A year is such a long time, and sex in marriage is so important. Its brings the couple closer together emotionally as well as physically and does help us to aviod any temptation to stray.
What does she say if you try to initiate something? Do you ever suggest that you have sex? If you never bring it up, she may just assume that you arent bothered about it the same as her. I wonder if she knows just how important sex is in the marriage, and for the man especially.
I am not sure it is the affair that is causing this, as that was 10 years ago, and its only the last year that sex has stopped.
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Old 21st June 2012, 08:34 AM   #5
Raymond
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Re: Great marriage but no sexy for a year.

Good points Chosen. I was going to say similar after hearing Gareth's last post.

Maybe it's just a case of working on the sexual problem? It doesn't help that she is so busy. What happens in the bedroom can be a kind of thermometer of the marriage. I think talking about it is a great idea. I know it can be embarrassing. The right time has to be chosen but a lot of good can come out of frank talking about this subject. It will throw up any problems in the relationship as well which need to be sorted.
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Old 21st June 2012, 09:09 PM   #6
gareth
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Re: Great marriage but no sexy for a year.

Thanks for the advice & help.

I think she'll be up set because she'll think I JUST want sex, but I need to conect to her & feel close to her like I used to, she's so wound up & stressed all the time. I'd like to think that a good healthy sex life would relax her & make her happy.
If I try to start anything she just tells me to get off, so I respect her wishes & don't try it. I try to just kiss & cuddle her but he's not happy to do that.
She knows that I'm still interested in sex with her & it is JUST her I want, sex with someone else wouldnt do, like I said I need to feel close to her.

I know I have to talk to her, I've been getting grumpy & stressed this last week, its just the worry that i'm living with the girl of my dreams & it feels like we just share a house. Or worse still that our marriage is about to fail & i'll end up being what I fear most, not there for my kids.
This makes her think I'm angry with her / don't want her. Its just making it worse, we have to talk but its not easy with our jobs & the kids etc. We can't ask her mum to have them as she does enough already. I'd just love a day to take her out sit on the beach & just talk all this over.

We went away for a weekend about 18 months ago & just clicked together once it was just us. But more recently at the awards 'do' it didn't click.

We've both lost loads of weight since Christmas, she used to say I was too heavy & I squashed her, i've lost 2.5 stone, she's lost the same. I thought that would kick start things but no. I've started running & going to the gym, she says I look good now but its not changed things.

I'm rambling I know, but it helps to straighten out my thoughts.

I HAVE to talk to her over the weekend, we can't talk on a work night as i'm up very early & have to get to sleep not long after the kids & it kills me to think of her stitting up awake worrying & being upset.
Saturday night, I'll try & bring it up, that way I've got Sunday to be with her.

Thanks for reading
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Old 21st June 2012, 10:15 PM   #7
chosen
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Re: Great marriage but no sexy for a year.

Do you think that it may help to write down what you feel and give it to her? maybe even some good marriage counselling may help to start communication.
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Old 22nd June 2012, 08:21 AM   #8
Raymond
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Re: Great marriage but no sexy for a year.

Sounds like you both need some downtime together to touch base and work out this sex thing. You are quite normal to want sex with your wife. That is an important part of marriage. You don't only want sex with her but as that is a missing ingredient it has become accentuated. Ask her what your approach should be. You should be having sex. It is a valid and important part of marriage. I never feel as close to my wife as when we have had a good time in the bedroom. Of course our relationship out of the bedroom is important and necessary as well but there is something about it that releases something in a very fun way and opens me up in an emotional way to my wife. It should be fun so try not to make a tension out of it for her. That's why you have to pick your time. It seems like it is something she has neglected and needs to get back to that place.

You should have some power over her body as she should have over yours. I think it is a very important goal for you but I know you cannot force it as it takes two to do it.

Perhaps some females on here can give wife's view on the subject?
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Old 4th July 2012, 09:01 PM   #9
gareth
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Re: Great marriage but no sexy for a year.

A few weeks have passed & things are only a little better.
I tried to talk to her , said I miss her & want things to be back tp rights between us. I told her that just because we might 'do' 'something' I don't expect 'everything'. this seemed to make her think but every time I cuddle up to her in bed she tells me to bugger off. She bought some nice PJs [vest & shorts] the other day, she looks great in them. I tell her she's beautiful all the time, [not just when she's in here PJs!] I think she knows I love her.

Sad moment today, I was looking for something in my bed-side draw & found our condoms. They're out of date. Just brings it home that I haven't made love to my wife for over a year now............

I DON'T want anyone else , i'm 100% sure of that.
In 8 months we'll have a spare room & I can see me sleeping in it & my wife thinking that there's nothing wrong with that............

Still don't know what to do............
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Old 4th July 2012, 09:19 PM   #10
chosen
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Re: Great marriage but no sexy for a year.

Why not write down your feeings and fears about this and give it to her. Otherwise she may think its ok to just never have sex again.Would she go to marriage counselling?
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Old 4th July 2012, 10:32 PM   #11
gareth
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Re: Great marriage but no sexy for a year.

We just spoke about it more openly than before.
Basically it seems like its ok with her that we don't have sex & I make her uncomfortable bu pressuring her.
I doubt very much she'd go to counselling as she sees it as my problem.
I've agreed not to pressure her & told her I won't bring it up again.

Some people would just say ' f*** it ' & have an affair but I really don't want sex with someone else. I want to feel close to my wife.
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Old 4th July 2012, 10:59 PM   #12
chosen
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Re: Great marriage but no sexy for a year.

So she sees it as your problem that you want to have sex with your own wife??????A married couple are supposed to have sex. It is an important part of marriage, and her saying that she wont have sex is cruel. However you arent helping by saying that you wont bring it up again. Of course you should bring it up, its very important. I think that she needs to relise how you feel and that you arent going to accept spending the rest of your life with no sex.
I think that she needs to know that the marriage may be at risk if she isnt prepared to work on this situation that is making you so unhappy.
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Old 5th July 2012, 04:52 AM   #13
gareth
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Re: Great marriage but no sexy for a year.

I see your point Chosen.
I know I need to try & sort it out. I'm unhappy. We used to have such a close sex life & now its just stopped.
I need to make her see that I don't just want sex for its own sake , I want to make us close & complete as a couple again.
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Old 5th July 2012, 08:18 PM   #14
Raymond
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Re: Great marriage but no sexy for a year.

In my mind sex is a vital part of marriage and should always be ongoing. If both do not want it then that is different but it would be rather an odd marriage.

She is not fulfilling her marriage vows by being a refuser but how does one get her to see that?
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Old 5th July 2012, 11:36 PM   #15
hope
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Re: Great marriage but no sexy for a year.

Hi Gareth

I recently found out my husband cheated on me. It's weird but it hasn't stopped me from having sex with him, if anything it has made me look closer at my marriage and realise this is a very important part of it. Its the only part that is purely, or at least should be, purely for the both of us.

It isn't to be shared with another. Thats why we commit and marry.

Maybe your wife isn't having sex with you because you cheated on her years ago, but it sounds more like she's simply got out of the habit. That happens when you are busy and stressed.

Recently, i have realised the happiest times i have with my husband are walking along a beach, we can hold hands, so we feel close, we can talk out our issues without looking at one another directly, we can squeeze hands to show we understand one another, and its so calming to talk and walk.....less stressful than sitting across a table from another having the same chat.

Can i ask? Why do you feel you had the affair 10 years ago?

Hope
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