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Old 14th May 2011, 10:30 AM   #46
sammie38
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Re: How do I trust him again?

Morning SM

I think you're right in that this has to be a test for both of us but it is going to one hell of a few days for me, wondering where he is and what he's doing every night :-( He has said that he'll ring me constantly but that still doesn't mean anything! At the end of the day, I have to deal with this and I have to begin to believe what he's telling me, otherwise we have no future and I might as well leave now.

Regarding last weekend when your wife was ill, the fact that she wanted you to stay and look after her seems to be a good sign, she could have just asked you to take your daughter away for the day so she could rest. She didn't pull away at the physical contact which is good so maybe she is coming around and she just wanted time to make sure you had changed and you did want your family back again before she 'let you in again'. She seems to have been 'closed' towards you but that's probably because she's scared of getting hurt again.

Not long until your holiday, hopefully things will get even better before you go.

Sammie
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Old 14th May 2011, 10:36 AM   #47
chosen
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Re: How do I trust him again?

sammie
Why not discuss boundaries for him with this woman and anyone of the opposite sex?
For example he only sees her with others there. No one on one time alone. No meals, coffees or drinks together.Definetly no time alone in each others rooms. No texts or phone calls unless strictly for work.
This is a hard situation because in your place, I would actually ask him to speak to his boss so that he no longer works with her or ever sees her again. Maybe someone else could take his place this time? I am sure there must be a way round this. That would be my absolute minimum requirment for carrying on the marriage(ie no contact again EVER). but thats just me.
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Old 14th May 2011, 01:23 PM   #48
sammie38
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Re: How do I trust him again?

Thanks for your message chosen.

She's his boss, that's the problem, but not the boss of the whole company and hopefully things will change next week and she will no longer be his boss so I'm keeping my fingers crossed for that. No one else knows what's happened so to request that he not work with her isn't really an option. Plus, because of the job he does, at the moment, coffees and time travelling together to different places is inevitable and I just have to deal with that and believe what he tells me.

I want my marriage to continue and again, because of the job he does there will always be one on one contact with lots of different people, men and women alike. I just hope his next boss is a man!

I have to learn to trust him, because as I said previously, if I can't begin to do that I may as well leave and I don't want to do that.

Hopefully, this time next week, I will know more and begin to deal with what I have to deal with. I check his phone and emails from time to time but I feel like I am waiting for something to go wrong and that's no way to make our marriage work. I have to move on and believe him. I hope he never hurts me like I've been hurt now but no one can predict that :-(
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Old 15th May 2011, 10:38 AM   #49
lanzarotedoll
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Re: How do I trust him again?

Hello

I felt the need to write something in here as I too have gone through exactly the same type of thing - coming up on 3 years ago.

Unfortunately, despite getting some great advice on this site to help me through being thrown into a situation I never asked for, my marriage has fallen apart. The reason? Because my husband cheated on me and I am unable to trust him. In all honesty, regardless of whether you are male or female, if someone has cheated on you, you will NEVER forget that it happened - it will always be there in the very back of your mind.

It depends on the person as to whether they are able to get over it and move on. And there is the element that your partner needs to want to help you do this. Mine really hasnt hence being in this position.

Im now at the stage where I have found that he's seeing other people and this still hurts like hell - after going through hell to feeling better about things Ive been thrust back into turmoil and have no idea how to get over it. I dont want him to be happy at this moment in time because he cheated on me and why should he be happy? I know I need to forgive and forget and move on to enable me to start again but cant seem to get out this rut Im in.

Keep talking to the folks on this site sammie - if you want to be with your husband and he's willing to try with you - the folks on here will support you as far as they can. Unfortunately, it hasnt worked for me. Good luck.

LD
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Old 15th May 2011, 02:58 PM   #50
sammie38
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Re: How do I trust him again?

Hi LD

Thanks for your post, hearing from other people who are, or have been in the same situation really helps. It's good to hear other peoples' advice and whether I take it or not is up to me, but it's good to other different view points.

I'm sorry to hear that things haven't worked out for you and I think you're right in the fact that I will never forget it happened but hopefully, one day, it won't be at the forefront of my mind all the time.

I will find it easier if he doesn't see or talk to this woman again and fingers crossed she will disappear very shortly. If not, then I'm not sure I'll be able to deal with it but only time will tell.

I think I believe him when he says he wants to be with me, but something attracted him to her in the first place so that will always be in my mind whilst she's still around.

Good luck with you and I hope you find the confidence to move on soon.
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Old 15th May 2011, 04:56 PM   #51
Raymond
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Re: How do I trust him again?

Although one will never forget it there is a difference in continually being on playback and bringing it up.

If there is real repentance and then forgiveness by the wounded party, this is provided that the repentance is real, there is no reason why the marriage should not thrive again if he is sincere and committed.

Forgiveness is wiping the debt clean and having a fresh start. If one has really forgiven then it is not brought up again and held over someone but is forgotten on purpose as no marriage can exist like this.

If the repentance is not real then obviously it is a different matter.
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Old 23rd June 2011, 08:07 PM   #52
sammie38
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Re: How do I trust him again?

Hi all, thought I'd just pop on and give you all an update! It's been a really difficult few weeks for me :-( my husband had to go away for a few days to the country where she lives and although they were never alone, they went out for dinner every night in a group and I found that really difficult, that they were socialising together :-(. Anyway, she was given a few options and she chose the pay off, so will be officially leaving the company next Thursday! At the moment he is still talking to her because technically she is still his boss but she has been told she can't come back to the UK. I just hope against hope that after next Thursday they have no contact with each other and that they don't swap personal email addresses or phone numbers. He has promised me that he's happy never to talk to her again but we've had a stressy couple of days and my jealous head is back on. I just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up until next weekend! Any advice on how to move further forward would be gratefully received, as at the moment my husband thinks I'm driving us apart :-(
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Old 23rd June 2011, 08:22 PM   #53
Raymond
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Re: How do I trust him again?

Things will always be difficult while he is still seeing her Sammie because of the tie that they had. He hasn't got any choice at the moment though because she is his boss. Thankfully this will be coming to an end and there will not be any need to see her ever again. You have no choice but to tough it out while you look forward to the finality of it. There should not be any reason to ever contact her again and that will be the wisest thing he can do.
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Old 31st July 2011, 09:03 AM   #54
sammie38
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Re: How do I trust him again?

Just a quick update - the OW has left the company and gone back to her own country – so hopefully she’ll stay there. We’ve just been to Cornwall for a week which was lovely and just what we needed. However, we had a bit of a set to this week as she has been sending a few emails, although my husband says there is nothing to them – I don’t understand why there is still need for contact! I emailed him from work on Wednesday and we had a long email chat (he isn’t the best at talking about his feelings openly) and he said that his feelings for me are stronger since this happened but that he can’t cope with me moaning and stressing at him all the time! That annoyed me off cos it’s me that’s been hurt, not him. However, I understand that I need to start letting go, otherwise I might as well leave now. We are going to be grandparents in a few weeks time (I’m only 38 for heavens sake lol) and he said that he wants to share that experience with me and no one else, so at least he’s saying the right things!

I was feeling pretty down and upset about things last night though so this morning when he left to go fishing I checked his deleted emails (I know, don’t tell me it’s wrong) and thankfully he has been telling me the truth and there is nothing in there that matters, just work stuff. He did mention to me the other day that he had told one of his colleagues that he was still in touch with this woman and that he was waiting for her to email him some information she still had. His colleague told my husband that this woman was trouble and that she had information on the company she shouldn’t have. He has been told to stay away from her as she is bad news and he wouldn’t want to be seen to be associated with her! To be fair, there have been no emails since he was told that information. I’m hoping she’ll get bored and leave him alone and if he ignores any emails from her (which I think he will do after what he was told) she’ll just leave him alone and go and live her own life.

Thank you for all the support from everyone, it's really helped me through this difficult year.
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Old 9th August 2011, 11:56 AM   #55
sammie38
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Re: How do I trust him again?

......and just when I think all is going well, something else happens to push me back down again

I think I mentioned previously that my H has a gambling addiction which was pretty much under control until all this happened. He has gone off the rails a bit in the last few months until it came to a head when we went on holiday. At this point, we made an agreement, he wouldn't gamble and I wouldn't moan, nag or go on about what happened. Well I feel I've pretty much stuck to my agreement but this morning he phoned me to say he gambled the £40 he had on him. At least he's told me about it but it's worrying me that he's stressing about something.

Also, he told me that the ow had only emailed him a couple of times last week and he said that he was hoping she was getting bored like he said she would if he only sent one sentence emails back. He did say that she hadn't emailed him since Tuesday which I know is a lie because I read his emails on Saturday and she'd emailed him on Friday! There was nothing to worry me in any of the emails but why isn't he telling me the truth - is it just so I don't worry??
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Old 9th August 2011, 01:11 PM   #56
chosen
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Re: How do I trust him again?

He should be ignoring her e-mails completely, and not replying to them at all, in fact isnt there a way that emails can be blocked from somemone? There is no reason for them to have any contact at all now, and him lying about it isnt going to help you get that trust back.

I expect that all of this going on has made him start gambling again, but hopefully he will stop that.
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Old 9th August 2011, 01:47 PM   #57
Chamomile
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Re: How do I trust him again?

Hi

I agree. What's wrong with him (keeping a regular email contact with someone who committed adultery with)?
It sounds like he doesn't have much respect for you Sammie.
Who is he married to?
If he's still in love with you, he wouldn't be taking all these risks would he?
Your intuition is telling you something, which I think you need to take heed.
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Old 9th August 2011, 06:31 PM   #58
koliver0821
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Re: How do I trust him again?

Sammie, have you gone to counseling, Couples or otherwise? Strongly suggest if you havent.

If my catch my wife in a lie about her emails or facebook, we are going back to counseling. I think one more warning to him is needed. You may not realize it, but you some power. Just have to believe in yourself. If you ask me, he hasnt just broken your trust once. Hes done it numerous times now. The first time dealing with his gambling addiction. The affair, lying about contact and gambling again. You have plenty to be worried about. The key in all fo this is how you decide to communicate this to him.

Dont be worried about how he feels about you snooping on him. He broke your trust and has to earn it back. Just dont come out and attack though. Tell him how it makes you feel when you find an email from her. If he doesn't react positively, then I think its telling you something. tell him your warning bells are up. He said it was over. In order for you to feel closure, you need all contact severed. I DID THIS TO MY WIFE. I told her in order for me to feel safe and gain some measure of closure that she would need to end all contact. To help that along, I went on to her facebook page and blocked the other guy she had the affair with. She was bothered by it. But I told her I did it in order to feel closure. That if the affair was truly over, this shouldnt matter anyway. She agreed. But try to be even keeled and do not go on the attack. once you do that, people tend to get defensive. Its a normal reaction anytime someone sounds an attack. Check your tone, your non verbal language, everything to ensure you are not coming across in a threatening manner.
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Old 1st May 2012, 07:30 AM   #59
sammie38
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Re: How do I trust him again?

Hi all. Well it's been over a year since I found out about my husband and his boss, do thought I'd just give you all an update and if I'm honest, I just need someone to talk to again.

It hasn't been the easiest of years and I still don't trust my husband. I'm not sure whether that's normal or whether I'm just being unfair? The OW moved back to her own country last summer, although my husband met her for a drink a couple of times whilst he was over there, he assured me it was just a drink and he did tell me about it. The last time was November and he hasn't heard from her since, from what he told me, they had a conversation which resulted in him telling her that she used him to get the information she needed and to try and get on in the company - which incidentally didn't work, as I may have said previously, she was asked to leave! Anyway, after the last visit in November I became very jealous, even though he'd told me they'd met. We had the biggest row we've ever had, he slammed the palm of his hand very hard against the bannister of the stairs which resulted in extreme bruising and was very very angry, wondering why I couldn't let it go and asking how long I was going to punish him for? After an hour he calmed down, came to talk to me and said he understood exactly why I felt like he did but saying it was all making him ill! I thought we'd sorted everything out again when he phoned me from his car the next morning, very very calm but strange and said he'd had enough, I needed to cancel the holiday (we had booked to go to Mexico in the first week of December) and that he wanted us to split up. He then began to cry and cry and my husband isn't an emotional man, I've only ever seen him cry once in the 13 years we've been together. Anyway, he couldn't talk properly so he said he'd ring me back later. I was so worried about him, he was driving and crying and sounded like an emotional wreck. I rang his Mum who rang him and tried to talk to him but all he kept saying was 'no one is listening to me, no one is listening to what I want'. Eventually I managed to speak to him, he explained how all this was making him feel, how he'd been at a low point when all this with the OW had started and how it would never happen again. To cut a long story short, we went on holiday and had a fabulous time and things calmed down and we began to get back to normal.

However, there is a new girl who started in the company in January and she's from the same country. My jealousy has started again and I hate it. I've asked him about her and he's told me he's not interested and that he will never cheat on me again. I have access to all his emails, phone, everything, so why am I still - after a year so scared that it will happen again? I love him so much and I don't want to feel like this anymore, it's driving me insane! How do I get over it?!
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Old 1st May 2012, 08:57 AM   #60
Raymond
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Re: How do I trust him again?

One cannot just switch on trust just like that Sammie. It will take time sometimes lots of it. He sounds really repentant and I trust you have now been able to forgive. You have to make an effort obviously. You seem to be hurting him now, not on purpose but because of how you are.

He must understand that trust is the quickest thing that can be broken but takes the longest to build up. If you are willing it will come. So long as you are not trying to punish him or take revenge your marriage will heal. Maybe it will be worth mentioning to him how long trust takes to build up again. That is the nature of it and he needs to cooperative to give you a basis for trust in the way he deals with the opposite sex in view of the history. You must do your part as well though.
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