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27th April 2011, 11:29 AM
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#1
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Guest
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My wife of 23 years has left - I'm in pieces
I am absolutely devasted.Two weeks ago last Monday I received a text from my wife of 23 years saying that she wouldn't be coming away with me that night and she wanted some time away. She said she thought she still loved me but had been given a place to stay for while. My life felt like it ended that day and it still feels like that now - I am in pieces, absolutely wretched.
She came 'round to talk a week later. I say 'she' but the cold, heartless, uncaring person I saw before me was not my wife, she seemed like an alien. I told her how much I loved her and begged her to reconsider but she said she can now do what she wants when she wants how she wants so is happy. However, her parting shot was that she would go away and think about it.
The are some complications to this tale. The first is that 3 months ago she was diagnosed with moderate to severe depression. Her father is in a care home because of alcoholism and her sister is a severe alcoholic. She's also never got over the death of her mother a few years ago. Thus I thought her depression was because of these things not me - how wrong it seems I was.
I saw her again yesterday and explained that I'd learned a lot and realised I'd made mistakes. I told her I loved her and would do anything to save our marriage. I remained calm, didn't lose my temper and spoke quietly. She was crying most of the time and mellowed after a while and said she needed to think. I didn't get a yes or a no to her coming back so I'm still waiting.
I don't gamble, I don't drink excessively, I don't womanise and have honestly never said no to anything she wanted to do. Things haven't been great lately but I'd put this down to her depression. I was happy to devote my life to this woman and now all I have left is my loneliness and utter despair. Is there any hope she'll be back?
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27th April 2011, 11:54 AM
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#2
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Guest
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Re: My wife of 23 years has left - I'm in pieces
Hi kdk,
Although my story is somewhat different, I know how you feel. It's horrible.
When you say you made mistakes, what do you think they were?
SM
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27th April 2011, 07:08 PM
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#3
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Guest
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Re: My wife of 23 years has left - I'm in pieces
Mistakes? Well, I questioned her about who she was texting all the time and she said that was too controlling. Reminding her to wear certain protective gear on her scooter - she said that was treating her like a child. Those sorts of things really. I certainly didn't have an affair, get drunk or stay out late. If anything I was the affectionate one not her. I didn't smother her but I was always there for her and did anything I could to help. Mind you that got me into trouble for doing things for her without being asked!
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27th April 2011, 07:56 PM
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#4
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: My wife of 23 years has left - I'm in pieces
Have you considered the possibility of someone else being on the scene? there are signs there from my reading of your posts.
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27th April 2011, 08:12 PM
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#5
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Guest
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Re: My wife of 23 years has left - I'm in pieces
Yes I have. I have asked her direct - Is there anyone else? - and she said no. She's told our sons she's staying with a friend and she did not mention anyone else being involved when I saw her yesterday and had a long chat. Why at this late stage would she not tell me?
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27th April 2011, 08:35 PM
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#6
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: My wife of 23 years has left - I'm in pieces
People often dont tell, and even when they have been found out they still deny it. Who was it she was texting that she woudnt tell you about? If she had nothing to hide then she would have told you surely.
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27th April 2011, 08:39 PM
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#7
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: My wife of 23 years has left - I'm in pieces
I hope there is nobody else but from my experience on here I have learned never to write it off. I think something is going on, whatever it is, to cause her to behave like this. The reasons she gives seem trifles to me.
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27th April 2011, 08:50 PM
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#8
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Guest
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Re: My wife of 23 years has left - I'm in pieces
If you really want to know if she's telling the truth about someone else, you should look up the cell phone bill and investigate her calls and what numbers she has been calling. If she's calling the same number alot - you may want to call it yourself and see who answers. If she's not telling you the truth about that, then there is probably alot more to her story.
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27th April 2011, 08:52 PM
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#9
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Guest
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Re: My wife of 23 years has left - I'm in pieces
Well, for some reason I believe her. Maybe I'm a fool but surely she wouldn't keep me hanging on if there was someone else. She'd have said something by now surely?
She has given me a lot of mixed signals and she has had a lot going on in her life. Could she just be burnt out emotionally and I'm I getting the brunt of it?
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27th April 2011, 09:11 PM
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#10
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Guest
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Re: My wife of 23 years has left - I'm in pieces
What if there is someone else but she's afraid if you know about him and later on she decides that she doesn't want him then she will have lost both ways. Maybe that's why she doesnt want to tell you. I still think its worth knowing one way or the other.
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27th April 2011, 09:19 PM
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#11
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: My wife of 23 years has left - I'm in pieces
sadly the spouse is often the last to know, and doesnt want to believe it of course.
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27th April 2011, 10:21 PM
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#12
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Guest
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Re: My wife of 23 years has left - I'm in pieces
OK I get it. She may be seeing someone else. Tell me though, after 23 years of marriage to someone I'd trust with my life, why would she suddenly turn into a liar and a cheat? This woman was my life and she knows that.
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27th April 2011, 10:31 PM
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#13
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: My wife of 23 years has left - I'm in pieces
Its hard to say but it happens all the time. My husbands ex did just that after 23 years. Many people I know in my own family have done the same.
She may not be of course, but it is a possibility, and would explain her behaviour. These things usually start because people have no boundaries with the opposite sex and get too close to another person.I have seen it in women who have gone back to work after bringing up children and they meet a man at work. Or men meet a woman at work, that is a BIG danger area where strict boundaries are needed.
Just bear it in mind and see what happens.Before she left, was she texting more than usual? You did mention that she was texting all the time.Was that normal? Was she on the phone more that usual,or on the computer more than usual? Does she work?Does she have opportunity at work to go out for lunch or meet someone after work? Did she go out with her friends at all in the evenings, or did she always come straight back form work?
People can sometimes get depressed because of guilt over having met someone else. This has happened here on this forum.
If she is depressed then it may well have been caused by the events that you have mentioned, and not you, but there seems to be something that has made her leave.Would she consider marriage counselling do you think?
Last edited by chosen; 28th April 2011 at 02:49 AM.
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28th April 2011, 08:26 AM
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#14
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: My wife of 23 years has left - I'm in pieces
One has to look into these angles kdk. Forgive us for being cynical. We have seen too much on here. A lot of people say that their spouses become cold, heartless and uncaring and seem like someone else. Classic symptoms I would say.
Obviously you have to work it through to what the truth is. I hope you do come through this hurdle and that she works through whatever it is that she is working through. I am sure all of us would love to be wrong on this.
It could be because of what she went through with her mother and the alcoholic-ism in the rest of her family, but surely this is a time to stick together not seperate?
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28th April 2011, 09:38 AM
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#15
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Guest
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Re: My wife of 23 years has left - I'm in pieces
Thank you everyone for taking the time and trouble to post. It's nice to know there are strangers out there willing to help others.
As I said before I guess I'm in a waiting game. The only other thing I can think of is that I've found an old phone of hers and I could go through that to see what's on it. Should I?
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