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Old 17th April 2015, 02:38 PM   #61
Lindentree1
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Yes, defeated. We've missed you on this board. How are you?
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Old 21st April 2015, 12:00 AM   #62
defeated
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

hi there
i'm living up to my name at the moment. feeling pretty defeated.
easter didn't go to plan and we just felt disconnected and the black cloud over my husband remained. it's hard when we're away, all sitting around the table eating a take-away and i'm willing the children to eat quickly because i know he's going to shout at them for eating too slowly and i'm working as hard as i can to keep things 'nice' and fun to be away.
one of the children was ill and he and i had a big argument and so we came home a night early (our argument was nothing to do with the ill child, just the lack of connection).
we are ticking along, having arguments every week or so and other than that living perfectly 'fine' together. sleeping seperately but getting on fine in a sort of flatmates that don't really have any depth of friendship kind of way.
i tried to address it tonight and he got annoyed ofcourse and when i asked him what he though the crux of our problem is he said it's because i choose to see him so negatively and see the bad in him.
i know i'm not perfect and sure you all must think that i am causing this situation and must make myself happy - but i'm trying. i joined a netball team and contacted old friends. i'm arranging my children's birthday parties and meeting up with friends. i am trying to be as happy as i can and go along with not addressing the fact my seven year old daughter has started asking why i sleep in a different room.
i am boring myself. i can carry on in this situation for the time being - forever hoping that we'll reconnect and feel in love again and be happy, but actually living in the most soul destroying situation, because i haven't got the time or the energy to think about how i can physically change it. but i am losing hope that we'll get to a good place and understand one another.
i am sure you think i am defeatist, but i don't know what will make him happy, but i'm not it.
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Old 21st April 2015, 03:44 PM   #63
Lindentree1
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Quote:
Originally Posted by defeated View Post
hi there
i'm living up to my name at the moment. feeling pretty defeated.
easter didn't go to plan and we just felt disconnected and the black cloud over my husband remained. it's hard when we're away, all sitting around the table eating a take-away and i'm willing the children to eat quickly because i know he's going to shout at them for eating too slowly and i'm working as hard as i can to keep things 'nice' and fun to be away.
one of the children was ill and he and i had a big argument and so we came home a night early (our argument was nothing to do with the ill child, just the lack of connection).
we are ticking along, having arguments every week or so and other than that living perfectly 'fine' together. sleeping seperately but getting on fine in a sort of flatmates that don't really have any depth of friendship kind of way.
i tried to address it tonight and he got annoyed ofcourse and when i asked him what he though the crux of our problem is he said it's because i choose to see him so negatively and see the bad in him.
i know i'm not perfect and sure you all must think that i am causing this situation and must make myself happy - but i'm trying. i joined a netball team and contacted old friends. i'm arranging my children's birthday parties and meeting up with friends. i am trying to be as happy as i can and go along with not addressing the fact my seven year old daughter has started asking why i sleep in a different room.
i am boring myself. i can carry on in this situation for the time being - forever hoping that we'll reconnect and feel in love again and be happy, but actually living in the most soul destroying situation, because i haven't got the time or the energy to think about how i can physically change it. but i am losing hope that we'll get to a good place and understand one another.
i am sure you think i am defeatist, but i don't know what will make him happy, but i'm not it.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, defeated. This is heartbreaking. No one thinks you're causing this situation. There are two people in a marriage, and you can only control your end of it.

Joining a team and connecting with friends is a healthy outlet for you. Well done for taking care of yourself in that way. I know you're busy because taking care of four children and a home is challenging but you're still finding time to do things just for you. That's brilliant.

I can really only think of one thing to say at this time--I'm sure our other posters will have helpful things to say. This situation is intolerable to you--I would feel the same. The only thing I can think to say is that you and your husband need couple's counseling. This situation is too big to handle alone. i think it requires outside help. You've mentioned you've done counseling before-but I really think you need consistent couple's counseling. A counselor might help you to break down those walls. Would he be willing to go to counseling with you on a regular basis? Hopefully he will. If he does not, I would go alone. You need some more support.

I would try to avoid arguments--if he tries to push your buttons--disengage. Arguing with him will only make you feel worse. If you have to walk out of the room, so be it.

Take care of yourself, defeated. Keep posting here. We care.
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Old 21st April 2015, 11:38 PM   #64
defeated
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
I'm so sorry you're going through this, defeated. This is heartbreaking. No one thinks you're causing this situation. There are two people in a marriage, and you can only control your end of it.

Joining a team and connecting with friends is a healthy outlet for you. Well done for taking care of yourself in that way. I know you're busy because taking care of four children and a home is challenging but you're still finding time to do things just for you. That's brilliant.

I can really only think of one thing to say at this time--I'm sure our other posters will have helpful things to say. This situation is intolerable to you--I would feel the same. The only thing I can think to say is that you and your husband need couple's counseling. This situation is too big to handle alone. i think it requires outside help. You've mentioned you've done counseling before-but I really think you need consistent couple's counseling. A counselor might help you to break down those walls. Would he be willing to go to counseling with you on a regular basis? Hopefully he will. If he does not, I would go alone. You need some more support.

I would try to avoid arguments--if he tries to push your buttons--disengage. Arguing with him will only make you feel worse. If you have to walk out of the room, so be it.

Take care of yourself, defeated. Keep posting here. We care.
Thank you. It is such a lonely place.
We are seeing the marriage counsellor on Saturday for the first time in about 5/6 weeks.
Your response means so much. Thank you.
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Old 22nd April 2015, 05:17 AM   #65
chosen
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

I hope that the counselling will help. Just the thought of worrying that he will get annoyed with the children for eating too slowly made me sad and mad. What does it matter if they eat slowly? He sounds like a very angry man, and they are hard to live with.
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Old 22nd April 2015, 03:36 PM   #66
defeated
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

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Originally Posted by chosen View Post
I hope that the counselling will help. Just the thought of worrying that he will get annoyed with the children for eating too slowly made me sad and mad. What does it matter if they eat slowly? He sounds like a very angry man, and they are hard to live with.
Thank you.
I don't know how to cope as I know he has issues from his past which I'm sure are hugely contributing to him being so selfish, angry & difficult.
He seems happy to carry on in this way, living the way we are, but it's destroying me. I feel as though if he could just acknowledge he has things to address then we'd have a chance, but as he's adament it's because of our interaction & my negative view of him then it seems pretty bleak.
How would you recommend dealing with my situation?
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Old 22nd April 2015, 05:45 PM   #67
chosen
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Carry on with the counseling for now and see if he is prepared to make any effort to change. If he doesnt and its making life for you and the children a complete misery, you may need to consider separating until or if he does make that effort. We can all change if we make that effort, and maybe if he thinks he may loose you all, he will wake up and see what he needs to do. If you did separate, then make it clear that you will need to see some major long term changes for you to even think of reconciling. I mean like a year of concerted effort on his part.
I am not one to advocate separation except for serious reasons, but I cant see why 5 people should be made miserable because of one persons moods and anger.
Sorry if I have asked you this before but what does the counselor say?
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Old 22nd April 2015, 05:53 PM   #68
notDoneYet
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Hi defeated, sorry to hear things haven't improved. That's a shame and it sounds to me like you're walking on eggshells at the moment. Can I ask you something though? Something I'm going to try but haven't got the chance with being physically separated. It's called solution based therapy and it isn't interested in racking over the past. Think back to when you and your husband were getting on great. What were you doing differently than what you're doing now. Can you think of one small thing? Please note, you not him. One small behaviour that was different.
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Old 22nd April 2015, 09:06 PM   #69
Lindentree1
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Quote:
Originally Posted by defeated View Post
Thank you. It is such a lonely place.
We are seeing the marriage counsellor on Saturday for the first time in about 5/6 weeks.
Your response means so much. Thank you.
I'm glad you're seeing the counsellor. I hope this can be a regular occurrence for the both of you. I think it's the best thing you can do at this time. Getting outside perspective and advice could be very constructive for the two of you.

I know your situation isn't easy, but you are handling everything with so much grace.
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Old 22nd April 2015, 09:59 PM   #70
sambrooklands
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

You are doing all you can defeated. It is still early days. The best advice I would like to share with you is to try and stop worrying about the time it takes for things to resolve - this is a pressure you do not need. My dearly loved cousin (who is female, about 10 years older than me, and has seen all sides of life) gave me the best advice when I was in your position a year or so ago.....

...Think very honestly how long it will take for your problems to be all resolved (in a quiet moment do this and be ruthlessly honest with yourself) once you have this period of time established with yourself, double it, and you will be somewhere close to reality.

Try this please.

Councilling is great news - he would not be going if there was no hope at all. Believe me counciling is harder for blokes than women. Remember your counciling sessions are a safe place for you to say exactly how you feel and get all things out on the table. Do not be afraid to cry, scream or collapse in there - they will have seen it all before.
Be kind to yourself, and keep in touch
x
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Old 27th April 2015, 03:31 PM   #71
notDoneYet
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Hi Defeated

I was reading another website and this post reminded me of you, see what you think

"The answer is: ACT AS IF!!!! Have a glass of wine while you make a lovely meal, put on some fun music that you really enjoy - get yourself into a really good mood before he gets home. Dress nice, put on some perfume. Act as if you're going to have a lovely evening together. DON'T REACT - ACT. If he comes home in a lousy mood, say something like "oh, poor baby, what a lousy day - here would you like some wine? Can I get you an appetizer?" Ignore his bad behaviors, reward his good ones. I remember doing this one night when my H came home in a really foul mood - took all evening. but eventually his mood lightened, and at bedtime, HE reassured ME that his bad mood wasn't about me - without me asking!

So don't let HIS bad mood put you in a BAD mood - let your GOOD mood put him in a GOOD mood.

It works!"
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Old 27th April 2015, 05:38 PM   #72
ralfgarnett
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Quote:
Originally Posted by sambrooklands View Post
You are doing all you can defeated. It is still early days. The best advice I would like to share with you is to try and stop worrying about the time it takes for things to resolve - this is a pressure you do not need. My dearly loved cousin (who is female, about 10 years older than me, and has seen all sides of life) gave me the best advice when I was in your position a year or so ago.....

...Think very honestly how long it will take for your problems to be all resolved (in a quiet moment do this and be ruthlessly honest with yourself) once you have this period of time established with yourself, double it, and you will be somewhere close to reality.

Try this please.

Councilling is great news - he would not be going if there was no hope at all. Believe me counciling is harder for blokes than women. Remember your counciling sessions are a safe place for you to say exactly how you feel and get all things out on the table. Do not be afraid to cry, scream or collapse in there - they will have seen it all before.
Be kind to yourself, and keep in touch
x
This is good advice, I recently finished my counselling sessions and I totally agree with this.
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Old 28th April 2015, 02:35 PM   #73
Lindentree1
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Hi defeated, how are you doing?
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Old 17th June 2015, 06:02 AM   #74
Lindentree1
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Hi defeated,

It's been a few months since you've posted. If you're lurking, please let us know how you are. Hope you're okay.
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