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Old 18th March 2015, 11:56 PM   #1
defeated
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Don't know how to get through....

So, my husband has returned from his business trip, where he didn't contact us at all.

He came back and it was just really awkward, but he said he'd booked a meeting with the counsellor on his own for tonight. Just before he went to bed last night he told me he was tired, but did i need to talk to him about anything. I said 'no' because i said all i could say before he left and was shattered too and knew he'd be shattered after his travelling anyway.

He said he was going to sleep in the spare room and i said 'that's your choice' and off he went.

Today was really awkward between us. He decided to work from home and he was being perfectly fine, but i just can't look at him in the same way. I'm just thinking about how i've had years of incidents where he's let me down emotionally and not made me feel special or his priority.

Anyway, he went off to his counselling session and came back to say that he loves me but doesn't want things to carry on.

I pressed him on what he thinks the problem/reason is for us not getting on and he told me that it's because i'm so negative about him and always want to see the bad in him and that's what's causing it.

I feel insane. It confuses me as I start to question if it is me and if I am in fact partly to blame. But i think of all i've done and how what i'm asking for doesn't seem unreasonable to me.

I don't know what to think. I can't get out of my head me telling him, just before he left for his trip last week, that i'm hurt that he spent his father's day when we had a little baby and i was pregnant, living in a foreign country, with a woman from his work, when he knew how upset i was about it and how that signifies so much about his general treatment of me -and him responding that i'm raking up things from the past and he did nothing wrong at all and i just choose to see the bad in him...... and so many other things that i've been upset by.

Ugh, i'm scared about what's happening. Really terrified, but just don't understand what's happening. It's like being with a mad person that's not rational and can't understand or empathize at all about things that i'm saying.

My head's a mess. Please any perspective. I can take it on the chin - am i overreacting. What's going on? I don't understand.

Last edited by defeated; 19th March 2015 at 01:05 AM.
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Old 19th March 2015, 06:01 AM   #2
Lindentree1
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

I don't think you're overreacting. His sleeping in the guest room is a bit worrying.

It always takes two to have a marriage. You each have your own perspective. Perhaps he does feel you're too critical, even if you don't mean to be--even if you are not. You feel you're not being heard and you are wondering about your value in his eyes, from what I gather. He doesn't seem to understand that.

But you have a few things going for you. He is going to counseling--I would try to suggest going to joint counseling if he agrees to that. He is still home--that's much better than where I am!

He said he loves you. You said you love him. Love is worth fighting for. I think you both need some help communicating with each other. That's why joint counseling would be a good idea.

I really get the feeling you both love each other. His actions are confusing (and even seemingly cold at times), I agree, but if you want this marriage to work you both need to work together. He definitely needs to understand that. Hopefully he will in time.
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Old 19th March 2015, 09:46 AM   #3
sambrooklands
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Defeated.
Counciling on his part is a real breakthrough - do not under estimate the value that this can bring. I know we have touched on this subject before, but to me it looks like you will be able to cope far more effectively if you see the GP about a touch of light medication to help you through this. You are under immense pressure, and many others would have cracked a long time ago, so give yourself a pat on the back. What this will do is help make you emotionally more stable and you will start to see things far more objectively. Do not underestimate how cruel and disruptive unstable emotions can be. (and do not confuse this with being an unstable person, as you are not - you sound solid as a rock otherwise!)
He cannot alter what happened in the past, and maybe you do need to let all the painful memories of when you were pregnant etc go, with some external assistance maybe. Make your husband aware of this intention. I beg to differ with Lindentree about being concerned that he has gone into the spare room....I have been in the back bedroom more time than I have had hot dinners, and you know what...? so have plenty of other couples, although you will never be told this.
speak later.

Last edited by sambrooklands; 19th March 2015 at 12:18 PM.
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Old 19th March 2015, 10:26 AM   #4
Raymond
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Perhaps his love language is words of affirmation and he is not getting it. This doesn't mean you have to lie or not put a contrary view into the situation, but it may mean you find places where you can see the good and give him some affirmation on it as well.

I think it is risky going away with another woman from work to a foreign country even though it was business. Any wife would be concerned over that. He should see that in my view.

I would try and find some good things to say about him. So long as it is not flattery or grovelling but genuine things that you see. As I said this might be his love language. You will have a love language as well.
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Old 19th March 2015, 03:08 PM   #5
Lindentree1
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Quote:
Originally Posted by sambrooklands View Post
Defeated.
Counciling on his part is a real breakthrough - do not under estimate the value that this can bring. I know we have touched on this subject before, but to me it looks like you will be able to cope far more effectively if you see the GP about a touch of light medication to help you through this. You are under immense pressure, and many others would have cracked a long time ago, so give yourself a pat on the back. What this will do is help make you emotionally more stable and you will start to see things far more objectively. Do not underestimate how cruel and disruptive unstable emotions can be. (and do not confuse this with being an unstable person, as you are not - you sound solid as a rock otherwise!)
He cannot alter what happened in the past, and maybe you do need to let all the painful memories of when you were pregnant etc go, with some external assistance maybe. Make your husband aware of this intention. I beg to differ with Lindentree about being concerned that he has gone into the spare room....I have been in the back bedroom more time than I have had hot dinners, and you know what...? so have plenty of other couples, although you will never be told this.
speak later.
Well, I beg to differ with you. Defeated said she and her husband have not been intimate since December, now he is sleeping in a different bedroom. He is pulling away from her. In my book, that is always a cause for concern. Not panic, but concern.
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Old 19th March 2015, 03:55 PM   #6
Raymond
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

I agree. There should be concern. Counselling on relationship is one thing but if there is a third person that is another thing. Being on here so long has taught me never to discount that. Hopefully though that is not the case but don't discount it.
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Old 19th March 2015, 04:10 PM   #7
Lindentree1
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Yes, I'm not saying there is a third person, but he has definitely shown signs of pulling away. Another example is he wants to go off all alone to Mexico for the second time for his birthday. Why not spend time with his wife, his children?

Maybe he's pulling away because he's depressed, or grieving. Whatever the reason, they've got to be able to talk to each other. Shouldn't they be on the same team?

I agree with Raymond about learning his love language.
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Old 19th March 2015, 04:34 PM   #8
sambrooklands
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

I have not been intimate with my wife for longer than that. Frustrating and hurtful as it is for me, I guess there are legitimate reasons why this is the case. I accept these in the hope that things improve. All I wish to say is that Defeated should not view this as anything bigger than it needs to be. I personally think her husband is depressed and needs help for anxiety. There are a lot of parralells to myself here, and with the right help and support, I have every hope this couple can work through this and come out stronger after it all.
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Old 19th March 2015, 04:56 PM   #9
Lindentree1
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Everyone's situation is different. I, too, think they can work it out because they have both expressed love for each other. Where there is love, there is hope. But they can't get through this trying time without work. Problems don't magically disappear, and ignoring them is not helpful. I didn't tell defeated to inflate her problems, but her husband tends to place blame on her and she ends up being confused. I was simply trying to point out that, no, not everything is in her mind or all her fault. it does take two to have a marriage. I have also mentioned he might be depressed or grieving. But they are arguing,and other issues are popping up, and they need to deal with what is going on.

At least that is my opinion. That's what she's asking for, and we all have differing opinions at times. That doesn't mean we should not have respect for each other.
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Old 20th March 2015, 06:45 PM   #10
notDoneYet
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Hi defeated. Any update on your sitch?
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Old 20th March 2015, 09:03 PM   #11
Lindentree1
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Hope everything is okay.
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Old 21st March 2015, 12:12 AM   #12
defeated
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Hi
Thanks for your support. I think the difference in opinion highlights how different each situation is.

I feel in shock and just messed up.

My husband can't own anything. Not that he's been difficult, not that I've supported him, not that he's put me and is putting me through hell.

I have no other option than to separate. I am so desperate to feel loved and to love him, but if when you're saying how things he's done have broken your heart and he flatly says 'it's your interpretation of things i do and the fact i make it about me when it's not), referring to spending father's day with the woman he worked with) I just don't have any other option.

I am utterly terrified. I'm financially buggered and have no source of income and no independent funds. I will have to move house I'm sure as I won't be able to afford to stay in the one I'm in. I will have to look after four tiny children with no support at all, as have no family close by and have only lived here a year and so don't have firm friendships; and i will doubtless have children blaming me for their Daddy not being around and probably playing up.

I will know that the man that I loved enough to take my vows with and who I made little people with and has been my heart is destroying us by not having any understaning about why I'm so sad and therefore feels constantly critisized.

I tried to ask him what he wants from me, and after a lot of pressing him, he eventually said he wants me to understand that he needs to stick to his obligations. But if that's at the expense of me and his children then I can't stay.

I feel black inside.

We have an appointment with the marriage counsellor tomorrow to talk about how to seperate.

I don't understand what's going on and I'm so scared.

I keep on hoping still that something will get through to him. I know he loves me deep down and the children, but it's as if there's a blockage somehow and he would rather stick to his opinions than have some understanding about why i don't feel loved.

I'm so sad and can't stop crying at night and can't sleep.

I know, sambrooklands, i will go to the doctor, but at the moment just getting through stuff is taking all my energy and trying to make sure my children are happy is taking all my energy. I will go to the docs if i don't start sleeping and things get even worse, as I know they will.

If anyone can shed any light on what the hell's going on here, I'm feeling pretty desperate.
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Old 21st March 2015, 12:27 AM   #13
Lindentree1
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

I'm so sorry, defeated. I'm sorry that its come to this; I really am. I wish I knew what to tell you. : ( I hope you get some sleep tonight. Take care of yourself.
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Old 21st March 2015, 06:43 AM   #14
chosen
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

defeated, it may be helpful for you if you think about moving back to your family. You husband will have to give you a fair amount of his income for child support for 4 children, and the govt will I am sure have welfare benefits for a mum on her own with 4 small kids, and maybe even a home if you cant afford one. Get some advise as to what you are entitled to.
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Old 21st March 2015, 12:57 PM   #15
sambrooklands
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Don' t think, say, or do anything that is final at this stage - just accept that you are in the heat of the moment and that things will settle down and pass. So much of what you say mirrors my own situation, so hang in there and things will improve.
I would suggest staying with family for maybe a couple of weeks just to give a bit of breathing space to all concerned. This will help in a way that you will not be able to see at present. Make it clear to your husband that it is only temporary as it is with the sole aim of trying to improve things. Going to the councillor to discuss 'how to separate' I do not think is the best of ideas. Despite everything, do not forget that it is still early days in your crisis. Things are raw and hard at the moment, and discussing separation is not appropriate or healthy at this early stage. Keep talking to us, dont feel you are burden and I will keep checking throughout the day and evening to see you are ok. We are holding your hand here (in cyber terms...!). Be kind to yourself.
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