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Old 6th January 2007, 05:21 PM   #1
Davidnsen
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Wife wants time away

My wife and I have been married since 03 and have had a great relationship so far. At least I thought so. I love her and I am still very much in love with her. We are both Christians too. I am 4.5 years younger then her so I have played catch up with my college education. She was established when I was still attending college. We both want kids, house, and a dog. We were living in Wisconsin and we both wanted a change. Some where warm we thought so we moved to Florida. By moving to Florida it set us back a little bit. We both had to find new jobs and settle into a new area of the country. It worked out great thought, we both have better jobs then before and are completly settled in after 6 months. Our families were a big part of our support group. This is ironic because we knew this, yet we still moved a thousand miles away. A couple of days ago I was blindsided by the news that she is not happy and hasn't been happy for some time. I became quite emotional over the hole situation for about a day and once my emotions were out I was able to talk very well with her and listen to everything she had to say.

Looking back I can totally see the signs building up to the situation we are in. There has been tension in the air since we moved to Florida it seems. Every comment is taken as means to a conflict. My wife even broke down a few times about being so far away from family. Since we decided to move as a team I encouraged her to stick it out for a little bit longer. Give it some time I would say. I only said these things because we were in this as a team I thought. I have stated that I will move back in a heart beat but she thinks I am only doing this to make her happy, which is untrue.

Sex life and social life are her main concerns. I am the first to admit that I am lazy. We were having sex 1-2 times a week but she thinks there has been no passion at all in our marriage. I feel our sex drives are in opposite time slots during the day. She feels there is slim to no chemistry in our relationship. I am setting an appointment for a testostorone test to see if my lazy sex drive is a physical problem. I am very attracted to my wife sexually and desire her.

My wife is very social and loves to work a room at a party. I enjoy attending parties but I am rather introverted. I have tried a great deal to improve my social skills with books and hypnosis. There has been great improvement too. All of a sudden she thinks we are so much different and that we don't have a lot in common.

Looking back I can see some key crossroads in our relationship where action was needed and none was taken. I feel awful and very guilty. She wants time to reflect on what she wants alone. She even mentioned that we have become more like best friends then lovers. (That was the dagger in the heart) What worries me most is that it seems she has lost interest. I listened to all of her concerns and support her spending time at her moms in Iowa until she figures out what she wants to do. Am I doing the right thing? Is there another approach to this? This has really opened my eyes but I hope it isn't to late. I am very optimistic about this and I believe the expectation will be that we reconnect. I think she doesn't though.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 6th January 2007, 06:14 PM   #2
Annie2
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Re: Wife wants time away

Hello,
I'm sorry to hear you're having problems. It's very clear that you have addressed the issues you think may have led to your wife wanting space. I would say that if she in any way wasn't happy about the move she didn't really express that. Although you say you kept saying just give it time. If this is the reason behind her wanting space then she has left it late and allowed it to build up resentment.
Your sex life doesnt' sound lacking! But who am I to say. I certainly wouldn't be worried about 'only' 1-2 times a week.
I often wonder whether 'space' is the best way to deal with things. It seems a little selfish when it's a problem that involves and affects both of you. Are you supposed to sit back and await your fate? I would have thought talking it through some more would be more productive, but maybe she does need time to sort her head out to be able to do that.
The 'friends' and 'things in common' are classic statements. I think you will find a lot of posts on here where partners have used those. Whatever the reason I think all they mean are that they really have no idea what the problem is, so they pick out the classics. To have everything in common would be boring. The fact that you and your wife and different only enriches your life. You learn from her and she learns from you. If you were too similar you would have nothing new to offer each other.
While your wife is 'working the room' is she with you? If she is the confident one would it not be considerate of her to involve you? I'm not saying 'carry' you but if your wife understands and loves you she should surely support you.
I hope you don't feel I am being unfair about your wife, I'm trying hard not to be. I just read through your post that you are doing an awful lot of thinking and considering about her and it didnt' seem it was being returned. Maybe you could use the break for some 'you' time. You come across as being pretty in touch with reality and how you feel (and I was awed at you being able to come back to the conversation after you let your emotions calm down). You need to do a bit of thinking about how you feel because she will return with more of her own feelings if she's had time to sort it all out. As you say you are both a team so you both have the right to own your own feelings.
Good luck and take care of yourself,
Annie
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Old 6th January 2007, 06:33 PM   #3
Davidnsen
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Re: Wife wants time away

Annie,
Thank you for your thoughts. You really struck a cord when you said, "Am I supposed to sit back and await my fate". I'm trying to do everything possible to keep her from going but I believe she has made up her mind about wanting some space. The word divorce hasn't come up yet so I think she wants to try and work it out. How does one deal with the akwardness right now? She has pretty much decided on wanting time away but she hasn't decided on when she will do it? So every hug, kiss and touch is magnified as I wonder if it will be the last. I will support her taking time even though I wish we could sort it out together. I tried to explain to her how it feels to be in my shoes right now. It's the worst feeling in the world to have the person you are in love with tell you that they might not be in love anymore.

I believe we can work it out and if she really wanted out she would have left without the talk. I have to be happy that she engaged the problem and is willing to try and sort it out. It's just really akward now. Thanks again for your thoughts.
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Old 6th January 2007, 07:08 PM   #4
markus
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Re: Wife wants time away

Hello Davidnsen

Have you considered that something outside of your relationship may have caused her sudden behaviour change ?
theres lots of websites online that list the 'warning signs of infedilty'
Hopefully thats not your problem but it does look a bit suspect to me
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Old 6th January 2007, 07:15 PM   #5
Annie2
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Re: Wife wants time away

My my, a new sensitive you Markus?
I too would be suspicious but keep an open mind.
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Old 6th January 2007, 07:21 PM   #6
Kate
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Re: Wife wants time away

Hi there

Sorry to hear that things are not going well for you and your wife. Sometimes couples go through a sort of period of disillusionment a few years into their marriage. The danger is that they withdraw from each other rather than pushing through this stage. It can be a frightening stage to go through. We don't come trained for making marriage work.

At least your wife has begun to tell you the things that have been bothering her, so you can begin to address those. There are some good tips here.

You might also consider a Marriage Encounter weekend (some US links here), which helps you to work through the disillusionment stage. I've known a number of couples who've found the weekend really helpful.

Hope you can find a way forward together

Kate
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Old 6th January 2007, 07:55 PM   #7
markus
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Re: Wife wants time away

Quote:
My my, a new sensitive you Markus?
I too would be suspicious but keep an open mind.
Yeah im going to try out a softer approach and if it dont work its back to the coco beans
I'd keep an open mind but i do kind of think this has new boss or co-worker affair written all over it
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Old 6th January 2007, 08:06 PM   #8
Annie2
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Re: Wife wants time away

Yet as Kate says she is willing to talk about it. By saying she needs space, communicating her feelings shows that she is perhaps confused and not happy at simply thinking that maybe she doesn't love her husband. What I mean is she is clearly confused and that is, in horrible way but I mean it nicely, good. Instead of saying 'I don't love you I want out' she is clearly communicating that she isn't happy with the way she feels.
I don't see a co-worker or boss in this one at all. Davidnsen, please refer to Markus's other posts for reassurance that he is one suspicious man. Yet take enormous comfort that he is being rather uncharacteristically sensitive to you! Markus, I feel you will take that well ;-)
Annie
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Old 6th January 2007, 09:27 PM   #9
Annie2
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Re: Wife wants time away

Davidnsen,
I forgot to add...you asked how you deal with the akwardness. Who is being akward? I would say carry on as true to yourself as you can. Express your upset and express your true feelings that you love her. This way you are being honest and not conforming to her current feelings. Just be you, it's who she fell in love with, wanted to marry and have a life with. To change, try harder in a way that doesn't seem real will only make you feel akward. This is not how you imagined life or wanted it to be so why conform to it? You come across as a really realistic and strong man so stick with that. From a woman's point of view (I'm your average fairytale expectation sort of girl) she could, as Kate pointed out, be going through a period of disillusement (crap sp. I know). Nothing to do with you and only about her false expectations. Again don't conform. Sometimes we expect, imagine how our lives 'should' be and it messes with real life so much that we can't appreciate what we have. So not your fault, nothing you're doing wrong. I really feel you are 100% committed to your wife and your life together, that is quite something so be proud.
I really pray that this is only a 'rough' patch which all married couples have. Try seeing it as something that will strengthen and mature you both.
Keep posting and do let us know how you are. Maybe giving her the space will show her how willing you are for her to breathe (if that makes sense) but ensure you express just how much she is loved and wanted. When she says that you would only make another move to make her happy, back that up by telling her that's just how much she means to you. Be sure that you would do that with no backlash of resentment too.
Hang in there. I really understand just how hard it is.
Annie
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Old 8th January 2007, 04:32 PM   #10
Davidnsen
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Re: Wife wants time away

Thank you so much for all of your replies. The situation is still the same. I have put everything on the table including the kitchen sink. She knows that I am committed to her and making it work. Someone made a great point, I can only be the best possible version of ME! I can't be something I am not so I didn't conform to her feelings. So I spent the weekend as I normally would. My wife and I had a great time. We went to breakfast, out to dinner and spent the day at the beach. It's the hardest thing I have ever done. Having such a great time together but realizing that she is leaving to "think things through". How am I to save the day, I want to be her hero but I can only wait.
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Old 8th January 2007, 05:05 PM   #11
Annie2
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Re: Wife wants time away

Well done you that must have been so hard for you. But how much harder I think it is to 'conform' and behave in a way that you are not comfortable with. By being you you are being a hero. You are not betraying your role within your marriage, or yourself and you are not making anything difficult for your wife. This is all you can do and I reckon it's far better than letting your despair beat you into a negative and unapproachable form.
Remember the 'think things through' is not 'shall we divorce'. That hasn't been mentioned she has only expressed how she is currently feeling. By thinking it through you can hope that she will have the time to understand far better why she is feeling like that. I just feel anxious that 'space' is the right way to go about that. Yet if it feels right for her then I suppose you have to respect that.
You don't have to just 'wait'. Work on your own feelings, take care of yourself and keep busy. Have you been able to chat to any of your own friends? If you have one or two close people to talk it all through with it can really help.
Has she said when she is going? I would be very clear with her on whether she will be comfortable with you contacting her while she is away. I am sure you will want to but maybe it would be best to not question her for hourly/daily updates on her thinking. I know that is the hardest thing to do but you are doing brilliantly so far it's maybe worth addressing how you would feel about that now. Did your wife express whether she enjoyed the weekend with you?
I hope things become a bit clearer for you soon, hang in there and post again. It may help to read a few of the articles, if you haven't already, on this site. I found them a great help.
Take care,
Annie
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Old 8th January 2007, 06:12 PM   #12
Davidnsen
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Re: Wife wants time away

Thanks Annie. I agree about the space not being the right approach. Our conversations are getting quite passionate. Borderline angry. I can be passionate about not wanting her to take time for herself but still support her choice to do it? I want her to know that we should work our issues out together in person and then she can work on herself. I feel that by her leaving we are no longer walking side-by-side as she is only thinking of herself. This is so frustrating. What happens in the future when things get tough? Is she just going to run away and think about by herself? What is the point of being married?
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Old 8th January 2007, 07:29 PM   #13
Annie2
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Re: Wife wants time away

hello there,
Would you describe her behaviour/attitude out of character or is it just not in line with your expectations? I ask because if it is out of character then maybe the best thing is to support her 'space'. If you don't her already feelings that brush with the idea of being an individual out of marriage (or at least questioning your relationship) are only going to be 'challenged'. This may cause her to put up even more of a fight against wanting to make things work. I hope that makes sense.
By expectations I understand that you must be feeling hurt, angry and in a way betrayed. This is your wife who you expected to spend the rest of your life with and who you have been building a future with. Suddenly those expectations are not how they should be. Nothing you did, changed or expected. Therefore if you feel that there is a chance you have missed something, that your expectations were greater than your understanding of her then now is the time to say that to her. Again I hope I am making sense.
I really can;t say what your next move should be. I would follow your heart, trust your instincts and again be true to yourself. Honesty wil get you through this. I really hope she can do that too.
I can really understand and appreciate how your emotions must be fast and furious right now. Just allow them to run their course and above all be kind to yourself. What you are feeling is understandable. The non-understandable is why she is feeling the way she is. You can explain and clearly find reason for your feelings but right now it must be a confusing place for her because she can't.
Take care,
Annie
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Old 9th January 2007, 03:43 PM   #14
Davidnsen
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Re: Wife wants time away

Last night after 5 days of exhausting conversation she changed her mind! I asked her if she was still going to leave and she said that she is putting it in God's hands. Then she broke down and cried. I was so joyfull and excited about her change in perspective.

She still wants the space but she isn't going to travel across the country to "think things through". She is going to do it at our home and I will give her as much space as she needs for herself by working late and keeping myself busy away from her. We are going to start a plan of action tonight.

I wanted to thank everyone who contributed with advice, even markus. My wife and I have realized that by moving away from our families made this whole situation 100 times harder as we could only talk to family and friends over the phone. That is a big issue that we must resolve.

As I said in an earlier post, we moved to Florida together. Now that we have been here for about 6 months we are both established and doing well professionally. I think Florida is beautiful and the weather is amazing. My wife can not handle being so far from her family. Even before this meltdown I stated that I would drop everything we have in Florida and move closer to our families. That would be MY choice as our relationship is more important to me than my job and location. She feels that I truly love it in Florida and that I am only saying that I will move because that's what she wants and not what I want. I have always been the type of person that can make any situation good as I will focus on the positives. I could be as happy in Wisconsin as I could be in Florida. So why doesn't she believe me or feel that I am not being honest with myself when I say I would move back closer to family? Is it wrong for me to think about us before myself? Although I love living in Florida I love my wife a million times more.

As we work things out I will still be seeking advice from many people and will continue here.
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Old 9th January 2007, 04:35 PM   #15
Annie2
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Re: Wife wants time away

This is really good news and I am very pleased for you both. Good luck and take care,
Annie
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