In the fog zone - Page 5 - 2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums

notDoneYet · 1st June 2015, 10:49 PM

Pim^^^^this. Listen to Raymond and Chosen but as we keep saying get legal advice. I get the feeling you were too upset the first time you spoke to a L. I was 4 months away from home and on an even keel before I spoke to one. Can you say the same? I don't think you are emotionally stable right now to listen, and understand that what people around here are saying is you have more rights than you know.

Knowledge is power. We can deal with the R later. There are no silver bullets with you and your H but please, PLEASE get better legal advice for both you and your kids.

chosen · 2nd June 2015, 06:26 AM

Another thing is that the OW may be pressuring him to pressure you to sell the house so they can have more money. Don't even think of selling yet, and go to see another solicitor.

Pimouse · 3rd June 2015, 10:31 PM

Today is a better day: saw the H, still felt sad but not to the point of crying! A plus for me :-). Still hasn't put his wedding ring back but as some of you explained before it might be for work ( as it's what he told me). I can start to see a bit clearer and even if I like the facilities of the house, I'm now prepared to let it go. It's a beautiful
house, but now it'll be forever attached to the few though years of my life. My H and I never got any money as everything was going into renovating it! Never felt so cash trapped in my life (and I was born in a Scruge family: our motto save, save, always save). Even if I wanted to stay I couldnt afford to buy him out and I would not be able to stay in it on my own with the kids (bank said I couldn't afford it even if extended the years on the mortgage).

notDoneYet · 3rd June 2015, 10:44 PM

Hi pim. You are in no hurry. You have the gift of time. Use it wisely. I'm still not convinced you have understood the legal advice you received. Go see a L.

Besides, selling a house HAS to be a joint decision and you have children to think about. Do not make any decisions yet. You are not in that place right now. Take your time.

Look, at the start on BD day for me everything was 100mph and going crazy. I kid you not. You are in that place now. But, if you allow yourself to calm down a bit (hard, I know) and look at your options you will eventually start to realise you are not in such a bad place.

Your H has total control over you emotionally right now. Try not to allow that.

Peace.

chosen · 4th June 2015, 04:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pimouse

Today is a better day: saw the H, still felt sad but not to the point of crying! A plus for me :-). Still hasn't put his wedding ring back but as some of you explained before it might be for work ( as it's what he told me). I can start to see a bit clearer and even if I like the facilities of the house, I'm now prepared to let it go. It's a beautiful
house, but now it'll be forever attached to the few though years of my life. My H and I never got any money as everything was going into renovating it! Never felt so cash trapped in my life (and I was born in a Scruge family: our motto save, save, always save). Even if I wanted to stay I couldnt afford to buy him out and I would not be able to stay in it on my own with the kids (bank said I couldn't afford it even if extended the years on the mortgage).

Once you sort out child maintenance you may be able to afford that house, or if you sell the other house abroad cant you use that to pay the mortgage off?
I cant see any judge forcing you to sell it until the children are adults. Its their home.

Raymond · 4th June 2015, 09:06 AM

Pay half the mortgage off if that is the route to take.

I misunderstood before as I thought you were given the house but you meant the one abroad. I take it it is a joint mortgage and joint ownership with quite a lot of loan outstanding on the house you are in.

Do you have work locally? One route may be to sell the house to pay off the mortgage and split any equity that is left between you. Downsizing might help as a temporary measure or getting a house in a less expensive area if that suited your work using the money from the sale of your other house? Whatever happens you have to think about it in your own good time as NDY suggests.

ralfgarnett · 4th June 2015, 11:08 AM

So many sad stories about once happy marriages in here, I bet none of us this time last year ever though these terrible things would of happened to us and we would be on these forums discussing our sadness.

chosen · 4th June 2015, 01:26 PM

It never ever occurred to me or my husband that we would ever be divorced. However we grow and mature through adversity(hopefully) and we are also more compassionate for others who are also going though a marriage break up.

ralfgarnett · 4th June 2015, 01:41 PM

"we are also more compassionate for others who are also going though a marriage break up"

Most certainly, I never realised just how painful it could be, then again in saying that I never ever thought in a million years that we would find ourselves in such a horrible situation as we do right now, and I bet neither did you, Pim, NDY or LDT.

Pimouse · 4th June 2015, 08:56 PM

You are right as I'd have never thought last year that my marriage would be in such a dire situation at the present! Now looking back I kind of knew that we both were unhappy and I guess we didn't know how to get out of this unhappiness. I naively thought that if I gave my husband some time and space to deal with his mum's death we would be fine in time, but I can see I was wrong. I think now I have reached the point where I don't feel angry about what he has done. There is no excuses for what he has done as I was myself unhappy but didn't betray him. My H is very attractive and very sociable so I guess that how he started to talk to her (they worked in the same building, but different department), then I can only assume that she fell for him and as she was paying him attention and he felt good that someone was paying attention to him. So what started as a casual conversation between colleagues became more. Now I'm trying to focus on me and see what I need to do for myself to be happier and hope that maybe one day he'll come to his sense and see what a catch I am.
On the other hand by then I'd have probably move on with my life and realise that I don't want to get back to him.

ralfgarnett · 4th June 2015, 09:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pimouse

You are right as I'd have never thought last year that my marriage would be in such a dire situation at the present! Now looking back I kind of knew that we both were unhappy and I guess we didn't know how to get out of this unhappiness. I naively thought that if I gave my husband some time and space to deal with his mum's death we would be fine in time, but I can see I was wrong. I think now I have reached the point where I don't feel angry about what he has done. There is no excuses for what he has done as I was myself unhappy but didn't betray him. My H is very attractive and very sociable so I guess that how he started to talk to her (they worked in the same building, but different department), then I can only assume that she fell for him and as she was paying him attention and he felt good that someone was paying attention to him. So what started as a casual conversation between colleagues became more. Now I'm trying to focus on me and see what I need to do for myself to be happier and hope that maybe one day he'll come to his sense and see what a catch I am.
On the other hand by then I'd have probably move on with my life and realise that I don't want to get back to him.

He is a dirty cheating low life scum bag with no respect for you, your children or even himself, there is no excuse for infidelity I hope his nuts drop off and he develops galloping kn-b rot.

Pimouse · 4th June 2015, 10:37 PM

Sometimes I wish I could speak and think of him like you just did Ralf as it would make so easier for me to move on! Reading back my posts I feel like I was always minimise what he has done, I guess I'm weaker than I thought I was. You see I have all those opinions and sometimes I don't mind voicing them but if I really look deeply I don't like conflict or being "told off" for my comments/ behaviour. So I could honestly say I'm more talk!

Lindentree1 · 4th June 2015, 11:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pimouse

Sometimes I wish I could speak and think of him like you just did Ralf as it would make so easier for me to move on! Reading back my posts I feel like I was always minimise what he has done, I guess I'm weaker than I thought I was. You see I have all those opinions and sometimes I don't mind voicing them but if I really look deeply I don't like conflict or being "told off" for my comments/ behaviour. So I could honestly say I'm more talk!

You don't have to worry about that here. Let it out. We'll listen.

Pimouse · 5th June 2015, 06:45 AM

I keep going on and on about it but the pain is still there and I believe people will get fed up with it and tell me to move on. I do express my feelings a lot and this is how I am. If I REALLY was that unhappy in my marriage, I'd have gone but we had done good days and those days made me think that it was worthwhile to stick around. Betrayal in my eyes is the worst thing that a human being can do to another one. My take is that if you are unhappy and not in love, then you say so and move on with your life. So why didn't he do that? He should have said 2 years ago it's over and I don't love you.

Raymond · 5th June 2015, 09:34 AM

You have to speak what you feel Pimhouse. People will not be fed up with it. We are used to that on here. We know that you are hurt it's just that the thread took a practical turn regarding houses and finance.

I think you need to grieve your loss but eventually move on. A certain amount of healing will happen over time but one cannot over estimate the pain in a seperation, especially because of betrayal. He was a part of you which is what marriage is and that it why it hurts so much.

I don't know why he didn't explain to you at the beginning but maybe it is not profitable to dwell on that now. The damage is done and maybe you have to extricate yourself from the whys and wherefores and try to move on?