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Old 26th May 2015, 09:32 PM   #16
Raymond
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Re: In the fog zone

Looks like you married into a culture of cheating Pimhouse. How can a marriage survive that unless a miracle happens to your husband.

As I said before the ball is in his court. If you don't get that change together with the repentance things will go nowhere. The real danger is in thinking you can change him and save your marriage yourself. It takes two. Two years is a long time to be cheating on someone. It sounds really callous to me. Really you have to save yourself and your girls from this. Eventually you will have to explain to the girls that it wasn't right what he did. They musn't think that this is the normal way to carry on in a marriage.

I think your head is the way forward in this situation. A heart must have something good and solid to rely on and you don't have that as far as I can see. As it is now it will mean years of suffering down the line unless things are mended properly. It is natural for a heart to carry on but you must recognise that things have changed now. I hope and pray that your heart will also recognise what you need to do now for your own inner safety.
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Old 27th May 2015, 10:30 PM   #17
Pimouse
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Re: In the fog zone

Thanks for your kind words Chosen and Raymond. I think that deep down i know it's over as a 2 years affair is too long to get over but knowing that everyone knew but never told me is what I can't forgive not forget! My mum asked me today if I was considering to get back to him, I said no and she was extremely quiet. I think that this put a doubt in my mind. On Monday H was very talkative about his plans for the future, and he even told me that he could buy a house that me and the girls could rent of him while I find the right house for us!!!!!! Then yesterday I saw his housemate who told me that my H was working 60 h a week! I didn't need to know that; was he trying to tell me that my H wasn't in touch with the OW or was I supposed to feel guilty for kicking him out? Then his friend went on about my husband's idea to rent a house of him and I made it very clear that it'll never happen. Then today H came to see girls for only an hour and was very cold. Does it sound to you like mind game or even bullying? I saw a solicitor and he is entitled to 50% of what I have (savings, pension and the house I was given by my father before I got married), so out of the 2 if I file for divorce he'll be the better off! How unfair is that?
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Old 28th May 2015, 09:27 AM   #18
ralfgarnett
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Re: In the fog zone

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pimouse View Post
Thanks for your kind words Chosen and Raymond. I think that deep down i know it's over as a 2 years affair is too long to get over but knowing that everyone knew but never told me is what I can't forgive not forget! My mum asked me today if I was considering to get back to him, I said no and she was extremely quiet. I think that this put a doubt in my mind. On Monday H was very talkative about his plans for the future, and he even told me that he could buy a house that me and the girls could rent of him while I find the right house for us!!!!!! Then yesterday I saw his housemate who told me that my H was working 60 h a week! I didn't need to know that; was he trying to tell me that my H wasn't in touch with the OW or was I supposed to feel guilty for kicking him out? Then his friend went on about my husband's idea to rent a house of him and I made it very clear that it'll never happen. Then today H came to see girls for only an hour and was very cold. Does it sound to you like mind game or even bullying? I saw a solicitor and he is entitled to 50% of what I have (savings, pension and the house I was given by my father before I got married), so out of the 2 if I file for divorce he'll be the better off! How unfair is that?
Very unfair, sadly that's the way the law works in the UK I presume your in the UK ?
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Old 28th May 2015, 01:08 PM   #19
Pimouse
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Re: In the fog zone

Yes, I am. My father gave me his mum's house before I got married in case if I was to separate from H, I'd still be able to keep the house in the family (as it's the law from where I come from), but as I live and work in UK he is entitled to 50% of ALL my assets and I'm the one who had been cheated & lied to for so long!. Not fair, but that's the law.
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Old 28th May 2015, 01:32 PM   #20
ralfgarnett
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Re: In the fog zone

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pimouse View Post
Yes, I am. My father gave me his mum's house before I got married in case if I was to separate from H, I'd still be able to keep the house in the family (as it's the law from where I come from), but as I live and work in UK he is entitled to 50% of ALL my assets and I'm the one who had been cheated & lied to for so long!. Not fair, but that's the law.
I know, it stinks and it's desperately unfair, immoral, and unjust, but as you say it's the law and as we all the law in the UK is often an ass and a joke.
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Old 28th May 2015, 01:44 PM   #21
notDoneYet
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Re: In the fog zone

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pimouse View Post
Yes, I am. My father gave me his mum's house before I got married in case if I was to separate from H, I'd still be able to keep the house in the family (as it's the law from where I come from), but as I live and work in UK he is entitled to 50% of ALL my assets and I'm the one who had been cheated & lied to for so long!. Not fair, but that's the law.
Hi Pimouse

Are you sure? I'd check with your L on that one. In my part of the UK the only assets that can be split as part of a D are assets acquired during the M. So If I were you I'd do a bit more research into that particular aspect. Be careful though because if the house is also considered the Marital Home then that may change things and splitting assets isn't always 50/50. But from what I'm reading the house isn't in this country and therefore not the marital home? Is that correct?
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Old 28th May 2015, 04:16 PM   #22
Pimouse
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Re: In the fog zone

I went to see a lawyer as soon as I kicked my H out and took his set of keys from him and she told me that he was entitled to all my assets acquired before and during marriage. The house is abroad and have been paying everything (bills, taxes, you name it from my personal bank account), but it'll still be split in half, unless I can get him to sign a paper saying that he won't make any claim but I don't know if just a piece of paper will do in court. Lawyer said I should wait for 2 years before filling as we might reconcile and apparently it' easier! How can i reconcile when he has been with this OW for 2 years, all his family and male friends knew about it and he took her to his work do as his wife! I still love him but my pride is saying no way you can get back together and how could I trust him? Now when I see him I keep my conversation to minimum and I'm being amicable for the girls! What I don't get is that he stil wears his wedding ring. Surely if it was over like he told me 3 weeks ago the ring should be gone. I took mine out as soon as he admitted to the affair! Why would he keep wearing it? Now my girls are asking me more frequently when their dad is coming back home. I keep telling them that we are having time apart as we need to discuss few things but we birth still love them. I don't understand is logic if there is any.
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Old 28th May 2015, 04:31 PM   #23
notDoneYet
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Re: In the fog zone

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pimouse View Post
I went to see a lawyer as soon as I kicked my H out and took his set of keys from him and she told me that he was entitled to all my assets acquired before and during marriage.
Are you in England? You need to double check this as I'm pretty sure this isn't true. Perhaps you missheard. Google divorce in England

Quote:
The house is abroad and have been paying everything (bills, taxes, you name it from my personal bank account), but it'll still be split in half, unless I can get him to sign a paper saying that he won't make any claim but I don't know if just a piece of paper will do in court.
Like I said, verify this. You can speak to more than one lawyer.
Quote:
Lawyer said I should wait for 2 years before filling as we might reconcile and apparently it' easier! How can i reconcile when he has been with this OW for 2 years, all his family and male friends knew about it and he took her to his work do as his wife! I still love him but my pride is saying no way you can get back together and how could I trust him?
A lot can happen in two years. You are very raw right now so it's not advisable to make life altering decisions based on pure emotion. The L is correct in this case.

Quote:
Now when I see him I keep my conversation to minimum and I'm being amicable for the girls!
This is good. Don't fight in front of the children. It's confusing enough for them.
Quote:
What I don't get is that he stil wears his wedding ring. Surely if it was over like he told me 3 weeks ago the ring should be gone.
Don't try and mind read. It'll just drive you mad and you don't need that right now.

Quote:
I took mine out as soon as he admitted to the affair! Why would he keep wearing it?
That's a personal choice. You wear it or dont. Lots of married, loyal spouses don't wear their rings for a number of 'legitimate' reasons.

Quote:
Now my girls are asking me more frequently when their dad is coming back home. I keep telling them that we are having time apart as we need to discuss few things but we birth still love them. I don't understand is logic if there is any.
There isn't any logic with a wayward spouse. They run on pure emotion and are getting a high from the A. It's just like an addiction. They see the M as the source of their unhappiness and the A as a source of excitement. Most fizzle out but not all.

I am so sorry you are here.
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Old 28th May 2015, 04:37 PM   #24
chosen
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Re: In the fog zone

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pimouse View Post
Yes, I am. My father gave me his mum's house before I got married in case if I was to separate from H, I'd still be able to keep the house in the family (as it's the law from where I come from), but as I live and work in UK he is entitled to 50% of ALL my assets and I'm the one who had been cheated & lied to for so long!. Not fair, but that's the law.
I think you will find that isnt the case. I have been through a divorce as has my husband as have others I know, and each case is treated very differently. Many things are taken into account such as if there are children, who will they live with, where will they live, what each spouse earns, earning potential, whose name the house is in, who bought what into the marriage, future pensions etc etc
If the house is in your name and if it was given to you before the marriage, its highly unlikely that he will get half.

DO you rent your present house then? If so can you move back home into the house you were given? Then you may well be able to stay there till the children are all adults at least.

I would get a second opinion, and no you dont need to wait 2 years, you can divorce him for unreasonable able behaviour. Its pretty straight forward.

Last edited by chosen; 28th May 2015 at 04:54 PM.
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Old 28th May 2015, 04:43 PM   #25
chosen
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Re: In the fog zone

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Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
I know, it stinks and it's desperately unfair, immoral, and unjust, but as you say it's the law and as we all the law in the UK is often an ass and a joke.
Is that why the British justice system is admired and respected around the world?

Last edited by chosen; 28th May 2015 at 04:54 PM.
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Old 28th May 2015, 05:05 PM   #26
notDoneYet
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Re: In the fog zone

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
Is that why the British justice system is admired and respected around the world?
I think ralf and pim have been wrongly advised. The 50/50 split only applies to assets acquired during the M. Well, in Scotland at least. Not sure about English law but I'm pretty sure it's very similar.
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Old 28th May 2015, 05:49 PM   #27
ralfgarnett
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Re: In the fog zone

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Originally Posted by chosen View Post
Is that why the British justice system is admired and respected around the world?
I wasn't aware that it was it's the first time I've heard anyone say that to be honest, I'm not going to get in to deeply the reasons why I consider UK law to be inadequate at times, what I will say is that far too often the punishment doesn't seem to fit the crime, even our local community bobbies think so, I was talking to a couple of them last week and they really feel as though they are fighting too many losing battles, they nick the criminals yet the courts let them off with a slap on the wrist or at worst community service, don't forget WW works in the community and she was sickened by a lot of what she encountered and how the perpetrators were practically getting away with it for often spurios reasons, I was genuinely shocked by some of the things she used to tell me.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 28th May 2015 at 06:12 PM.
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Old 28th May 2015, 09:00 PM   #28
chosen
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Re: In the fog zone

I would rather have our justice system than most in the world, where corruption is rife and conditions for prisoners are appalling.
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Old 28th May 2015, 09:07 PM   #29
Lindentree1
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Re: In the fog zone

I would get a second legal opinion, Pimouse. Your situation is too important not to.
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Old 28th May 2015, 09:19 PM   #30
ralfgarnett
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Re: In the fog zone

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Originally Posted by chosen View Post
I would rather have our justice system than most in the world, where corruption is rife and conditions for prisoners are appalling.
Thankfully I have never had any dealings with the judiciary and never want to, I have never even been in a courtroom, they once tried to get me to do jury service but I managed to talk my way out of doing it, I don't like things like that I would be genuinely worried about what I might have to see or hear, my WW did it once and enjoyed it but she has an interest in criminality and that sort of thing, she numerous books on mass murderers and Victorian murders but I don't like stuff like that.
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