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Old 10th November 2014, 08:01 PM   #1
StarryD
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Marriage Advice Needed

Firstly this is going to be a very long post so I apologize in advance!

Little background here, I'm 39 years old, I had my first daughter at the age of 21 with somebody that became physically abusive after I gave birth so I left immediately and he's never contacted me since and vice versa.. a year later I met a guy who I got along very well with, he was nice, supportive, helpful and we started a relationship which led to marriage, and I gave birth to my second daughter at the age of 25.(He was raising my first daughter as his own) It was a comfortable familiar marriage, we were never passionate or ecstatic about eachother but we cared about eachother a lot and were pretty much more like great friends, which I was happy with. After around 4 years he became quite nasty towards the kids when they would get in the way of his video game addiction, which we would argue about a lot as he said I was always defending the children (they were young kids just being kids which was inconvenient for him) He was never physically abusive just very mean and nasty toward them to a point where my youngest daughter began wetting herself everytime he yelled at her..And he claimed he didn't want to live in the same house as the children.. SO I took the kids and left him to stay with a friend while I worked long hours to accumulate enough money to get our own place. After several months of his claiming he had changed I agreed to give it another try since he had admitted to a prescription drug addiction which he had got help with, and the separation had been extremely hard on the kids despite how terrible he was to them. As they were still young I wanted to do what was in their best interest and we tried again. I was very apprehensive considering I wasn't in love with him and never had been but I cared very much about him, and thought maybe there was something we could salvage, for the kids.Everything went back to being very passive and comfortable for around 2 years but it was never quite the same as I knew by then that I had married somebody who turned out to be completely different to what he pretended to be when we first met.. He was incredibly money oriented and selfish and materialistic among other traits that I don't possess myself and was quite disgusted with, but I was determined to try because I felt I had already caused my girls enough disruption and upset.. However it began again, nasty mean comments to and about the kids.. Nasty remarks to me, threatening to tell my eldest daughter he wasn't her real father so he wouldn't have to pay child support for her if I left him again etc.. After 11 years of trying to stick it out I had had more than enough and left for the last time. We went to my mothers and since I had been promoted several times since the last time I left, I was able to put down a deposit and rent an apartment for the 3 of us quite quickly, however it was still a struggle. We agreed to have 2 weeks with the kids 2 weeks without, alternating. He never paid me a cent of child support (which I was fine with considering we had equal access and time with the kids) however after around a year he stopped all contact with my eldest daughter completely after a very childish argument they had (she was 13 at the time) and he sent her back to me saying he never wanted to see her again. And they still have zero contact (she is almost 18 now). This hurt her deeply and still does, but she has grown into an incredibly smart, beautiful, understanding and gentle young woman, and still amazes me to this day. There was a lot of emotional turmoil as can well be expected by her father abandoning her and the fact that he still has a relationship with my youngest daughter and she has to come back with me after 2 weeks and talks about the time spent with him and his family etc (none of his family have any contact at all with my eldest) which I know cuts her deep. They all hate me as does he, because I dared to leave, and we eventually divorced.
Now.. after the background of the kids etc..here's the part I wanted to get to..
In early 2010 I met a man whom I fell deeply in love with, for the first time in my life. He was everything I could ever want in a person we have so much in common, we laugh until the early hours of the morning just laying in bed talking, we make love pretty much on a daily basis (sex before with anyone was pretty much non existent and unenjoyable when it did happen, for various reasons) I'm assuming the passion and excitement is all a part of the depth of my love for this man. He moved in with us and we eventually bought a house together, and in June 2011 we got married,the kids love him, he gets on great with them both and has been an absolute rock to my eldest who absolutely adores him.
Now.. When we were first together I was quite aware he had a drinking problem and some anger issues. I went with him to get help for his drinking and while he's never completely stopped he reduced the frequency and amount he would drink quite drastically, which I am so proud of him for. The anger issues have been more difficult to deal with though.. He will be fine for weeks at a time then something will make him snap and he'll be very nasty toward me about my sexual past (which is insane as i'd never even had an orgasm before I met him and my sex life was very boring and very limited) and about my past marriage. He won't believe me that I was never truly happy or in love or that i'd never enjoyed a sex life before. He smashes things and shouts at me and often threatens to leave, but then he will calm down and he feels absolutely terrible, and I don't just mean that he acts remorseful to get back in my good books or make excuses, I mean he literally goes into a deep depression and feels physically ill for days for the way he has spoken to me and treated me. When he's in one of these rages he will call me all the names under the sun, say that he hates my kids and wished he'd never got involved with me, just all manner of horrible hurtful things, 99% of which I know are untrue as he adores the kids as they do him and he's never said a bad word to them or raised his voice to them other than when he's helping me in a situation where I need support, as we are a partnership and the kids respect him in that sense. I really couldn't understand where it was all coming from other than drunken outbursts but it still didn't make sense. Anyway I eventually learned that when he was young his father left his life completely and moved away and his mother remarried someone who was physically and emotionally abusive to her as well as my husband and his siblings. Some of the things I have heard about this man have literally left me in tears knowing that the man I love with everything inside me had to endure that life. He left home young and never regained a relationship with his mother as he had a lot of bitter feelings toward her which he is much more understanding of her situation now but unfortunately she died before they ever had a chance to reconcile.
He recently began some counselling to work on his anger issues (it was his suggestion because he was absolutely tearing himself apart over what he was doing to me) and they have been going fairly well.. But he still has these episodes where he will fly into an uncontrollable rage and say the most horrible things to me, and threatens to leave me. It's making me an emotional wreck and after one of his episodes we are both so down and depressed. I suppose I was wondering if anyone had ever been in a similar situation or if anybody has any advice on how to better deal with him if they are maybe familiar with people who have suffered childhood abuse.. Separation or Divorce are not and never will be an option for me, I love this man with everything I am and he loves me the exact same, when he's not angry which is 90% of the time he makes me feel like a princess and I can feel his love for me emanating from his very core.. It's just this one aspect that is so destructive and I am so worried that one day he is going to convince himself that he's beyond help and leave us thinking he's doing me a favor, that more than anything has me in emotional turmoil which is heartbreaking when I know how happy and perfect we are the majority of the time.

Thanks for reading if anyone's still here lol.. Any comments or advice welcome and needed, ty very much in advance

Kyla
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Old 11th November 2014, 12:11 AM   #2
ronnoco
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Re: Marriage Advice Needed

Hello Kyla,

I read your post - I find it quite a hard one to advise on to be honest. Hopefully you'll get some more replies but this is what I thought : -

As an outsider, this is certainly not a good situation for you or your children, especially the youngest. Even if it is only 10% of the time, it's too much. Witnessing this type of behaviour could be very damaging. I bet it scares them out of their wits. My parents rarely argued and shouted at each other in the 19 years I lived at home but when they did, I remembered feeling so scared. It was horrible. I can still literally recall their voices now. You need to think about this.

I worry that one day he'll reach his tipping point and explode. I have read other stories like this in the past but hopefully after 11 years you would hope it wouldn't happen.

Based on what you said, he clearly had a terrible childhood. Perhaps he has a personality disorder such as avoidant or possibly even dual personality? I don't know, i'm no clinical psychologist but it's probably worth looking into.

Sometimes people with these disorders keep things "locked up" in their minds. Almost puttying different memories into boxes to try and store them away. If so, therapy and treatment could really help him with these anger management issues.

Hope this helps :-)
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Old 11th November 2014, 01:00 AM   #3
StarryD
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Re: Marriage Advice Needed

Sorry I should have been clearer, my 11 year marriage was to a previous husband I was giving some background so people could understand the situation with my children etc, and because my now husband when he is abusive brings up my previous marriage a lot.

The kids do hear us fighting but he has never exploded the way he does with me around them, my eldest is rarely home and youngest (14) is out with friends a lot or at her dads.

We have been married since 2011. He is 34 I am 39. He does suffer with depression, and I was aware from the start he had been in trouble in the past (early 20s) with the police for anger related issues, for which he had to attend anger management. He has never hit me or made me think that he would but it scares me a lot when he is smashing and hitting things. He has never tried to hide or deny he has issues, and I try to be as supportive as I possibly can and he does agree with me and is willing to try anything in regards to getting help.. It just hasn't seemed to have worked so far. It's making me more and more terrified that he's going to give up and leave.
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Old 11th November 2014, 01:26 AM   #4
m eschenbruch
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Re: Marriage Advice Needed

All i can suggest is get him to see a psychologist. Probably he should go by himself incase he's trying to hide something or doesn't feel comfortable discussing it around people he knows. I'd just ask him as a favor to you to be open and honest if he does end up going to one, probably not much else you can do.
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Old 11th November 2014, 07:16 AM   #5
chosen
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Re: Marriage Advice Needed

Hi Srayyd

You say that separation isnt an option, but unless you are happy to live like this for the rest of your lives, I cant see you have any choice. There is no way that I would inflict this mans violent outbursts on my children. Surely they have suffered enough turmoil? It seems you have such a fear of being without him, that you will put up with this terrible behaviour even to the point where you allow your children to be subject to it as well.

If the time comes when his abuse stops completely through therapy or whatever, then begin to rebuild the marriage, but you are putting yourself and them in emotional and physical danger. You must all be walking round on eggshells all the time, and worried that whatever you do or say will start one of his violent rages. What a horrible atmosphere for the girls to have to live in, you are the only one who can protect them from it all. What sort of idea has all this given them about relationships?

You did have plenty of warning about him with him being a heavy drinker and having been in trouble with the police for violence and yet you still chose to marry him and live with him. The red flags were flying high, and you seemed to ignore them.
Maybe you need to try and find out why you keep ending up in such dysfunctional relationships with men who have such serious issues, because theres a pattern here.

You must think of the children and their emotional health, and also of your own emotional health, and there is no guarantee that he wont turn violent towards you or them one day. I will never understand why women stay with angry violent abusive men, especially when they have children who need protecting.

All abusers seem sorry and repentant after the event, but they still go on and do it time and time again, and by you staying, you are enabling it to carry on.

Last edited by chosen; 11th November 2014 at 01:35 PM.
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Old 11th November 2014, 02:39 PM   #6
Raymond
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Re: Marriage Advice Needed

Some people become someone else when they get drunk. I think it can be an opening for all sorts of demons. A lot of wounds will be hidden under it which need healing.

You asked if anyone else had had a hard and abusive childhood. Yes me. My parents divorced at birth and I grew up in various orphanages. Was sexually abused in one of them for about a year. Came out with a rejection complex. With these kinds of wounds one either rebels with angry outbursts (drinking to excess would only exasperate this) or one turns inwards. I was the later and couldn't even relate properly with people, which probably saved me from a lot of immorality. The healing did not come until I asked Christ into my life and then only gradually. I am very happily married and have been for many years with two wonderful grown up boys.
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Old 11th November 2014, 03:54 PM   #7
StarryD
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Re: Marriage Advice Needed

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Hi Srayyd

You say that separation isnt an option, but unless you are happy to live like this for the rest of your lives, I cant see you have any choice. There is no way that I would inflict this mans violent outbursts on my children. Surely they have suffered enough turmoil? It seems you have such a fear of being without him, that you will put up with this terrible behaviour even to the point where you allow your children to be subject to it as well.

If the time comes when his abuse stops completely through therapy or whatever, then begin to rebuild the marriage, but you are putting yourself and them in emotional and physical danger. You must all be walking round on eggshells all the time, and worried that whatever you do or say will start one of his violent rages. What a horrible atmosphere for the girls to have to live in, you are the only one who can protect them from it all. What sort of idea has all this given them about relationships?

You did have plenty of warning about him with him being a heavy drinker and having been in trouble with the police for violence and yet you still chose to marry him and live with him. The red flags were flying high, and you seemed to ignore them.
Maybe you need to try and find out why you keep ending up in such dysfunctional relationships with men who have such serious issues, because theres a pattern here.

You must think of the children and their emotional health, and also of your own emotional health, and there is no guarantee that he wont turn violent towards you or them one day. I will never understand why women stay with angry violent abusive men, especially when they have children who need protecting.

All abusers seem sorry and repentant after the event, but they still go on and do it time and time again, and by you staying, you are enabling it to carry on.
Of course I absolutely agree with you. I would say exactly the same to a woman who was in an abusive relationship myself. And just to reiterate, in previous relationships any sign of abuse and I left immediately because I DO completely agree with everything you have written, and I am not the 'victim' type regardless of the type of men I've attracted. The first time a man layed his hands on me i was gone, and I took my then 6 week old daughter with me and never ever contacted him nor saw him again.

My husband isn't ever abusive towards the kids and my eldest daughter absolutely idolizes him, although we've only been married a few years he's been the closest thing to a real supportive father she's ever had after her own father washed his hands of her for no reason other than he wasn't her biological father and wanted to be rid of her... And he's always the voice of reason whenever any issue pops up regarding the girls. My youngest daughter loves him too and they all get on great together, as a family unit we are perfect, he doesn't shout at them nor make them uncomfortable in any way, they are very much unaware of the problems we have together from time to time, he NEVER drinks when my youngest is with us for our two weeks nor when my eldest daughter is home.
The outbursts are very 'sporadic' sometimes it's been up to 6 months before it happens and it's always relatively short lasting anywhere from 5 minutes to an hour, but the aftermath of us both feeling shattered emotionally lasts much longer.

Am I terrified of losing this man? Yes I am, he's the love of my life and the majority of the time he treats me with 100% respect. It's hard to put across what we're like as a couple because I don't think anybody can truly understand the dynamics of a relationship other than the two people in it. We have all the same likes and interests, we do everything together whether it be us all as a family or just the two of us. we have the same sense of humor, we genuinely enjoy eachother and enjoy being in eachothers company. He's my best friend. My soul mate. Of course I'm terrified of losing him, not because I'm emotionally unstable, and a victim because I can't be without someone because I've never been that way, but because I truly love him with all my heart and soul, and he does feel exactly the same way. This is why it's so hard on me and him when he has one of his 'episodes'.
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Old 11th November 2014, 04:33 PM   #8
StarryD
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Re: Marriage Advice Needed

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Some people become someone else when they get drunk. I think it can be an opening for all sorts of demons. A lot of wounds will be hidden under it which need healing.

You asked if anyone else had had a hard and abusive childhood. Yes me. My parents divorced at birth and I grew up in various orphanages. Was sexually abused in one of them for about a year. Came out with a rejection complex. With these kinds of wounds one either rebels with angry outbursts (drinking to excess would only exasperate this) or one turns inwards. I was the later and couldn't even relate properly with people, which probably saved me from a lot of immorality. The healing did not come until I asked Christ into my life and then only gradually. I am very happily married and have been for many years with two wonderful grown up boys.
Thank you for sharing you personal story, I know it must have been difficult to think back over those memories, and I'm so very sorry you had to endure that.

My husband was raised Catholic in Ireland so religion was a part of his upbringing, he classes himself as 'Catholic' but admits that he hasn't had anything to do with religion for many years. I've actually suggested before that we go to church together as a family or as a couple ( I can't imagine the girls would be too interested) and he really liked the idea. However we've never done that.. I think I'll ask him again because he was pretty enthusiastic last time I did, it just never came about.
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Old 11th November 2014, 04:56 PM   #9
ronnoco
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Re: Marriage Advice Needed

If he never drinks when your youngest is with you which is 2 weeks at a time, why just not stop drinking all together?

If drink is the main factor and he can go without it, he knows the damage it is causing so why does he make the choice to continue to drink?

A good friend of mine turned a bit nasty/angry when drunk and decided the next day he would never drink again and he hasn't had a drop since.

He does probably need some deep healing for his wounds but he has the choice and free will to eliminate the drink from the problem. Going tee total is surely a great starting point.
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Old 11th November 2014, 05:15 PM   #10
StarryD
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Re: Marriage Advice Needed

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If he never drinks when your youngest is with you which is 2 weeks at a time, why just not stop drinking all together?

If drink is the main factor and he can go without it, he knows the damage it is causing so why does he make the choice to continue to drink?

A good friend of mine turned a bit nasty/angry when drunk and decided the next day he would never drink again and he hasn't had a drop since.

He does probably need some deep healing for his wounds but he has the choice and free will to eliminate the drink from the problem. Going tee total is surely a great starting point.
The length of time between when he drinks can be several months or it can be several weeks. This is a rapid reduction from the amount he drank when we first met before we lived together, he would drink every other night or for several days in a row (he didn't always turn nasty when drinking, just periodically). I didn't even know he was a drinker for the first few months, he broke down and told me one night. I have actually asked him myself why he bothers if he has gone several months and he said that when he starts to enter a period where he feels down and depressed and is dwelling on the past a lot that it's a comfort to him, to anesthetize if you will. He can have an outburst involving no alcohol at all but I can always stop him before it spirals out of control, I tell him to stop, breathe and think, that he is feeling upset about something and we can sit and talk through it together.. He listens to me immediately.. where as when there's alcohol in the equasion I cannot stop it. He has some pretty terrible memories that haunt him, I have heard a lot from him and other things from his sister which he never told me himself. I know there's a lot more that I don't know simply because it's so difficult for him to say the words.
So the depressive hurtful thoughts and memories are what triggers the drinking, they can go on for a few days or a few weeks before he picks up a drink,so he tries.. He just always gives in eventually... I know if the alcohol could be eliminated we could work through his anger issues and depression together, that's where I'm stuck.
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Old 11th November 2014, 05:43 PM   #11
chosen
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Re: Marriage Advice Needed

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Of course I absolutely agree with you. I would say exactly the same to a woman who was in an abusive relationship myself. And just to reiterate, in previous relationships any sign of abuse and I left immediately because I DO completely agree with everything you have written, and I am not the 'victim' type regardless of the type of men I've attracted. The first time a man layed his hands on me i was gone, and I took my then 6 week old daughter with me and never ever contacted him nor saw him again.

My husband isn't ever abusive towards the kids and my eldest daughter absolutely idolizes him, although we've only been married a few years he's been the closest thing to a real supportive father she's ever had after her own father washed his hands of her for no reason other than he wasn't her biological father and wanted to be rid of her... And he's always the voice of reason whenever any issue pops up regarding the girls. My youngest daughter loves him too and they all get on great together, as a family unit we are perfect, he doesn't shout at them nor make them uncomfortable in any way, they are very much unaware of the problems we have together from time to time, he NEVER drinks when my youngest is with us for our two weeks nor when my eldest daughter is home.
The outbursts are very 'sporadic' sometimes it's been up to 6 months before it happens and it's always relatively short lasting anywhere from 5 minutes to an hour, but the aftermath of us both feeling shattered emotionally lasts much longer.

Am I terrified of losing this man? Yes I am, he's the love of my life and the majority of the time he treats me with 100% respect. It's hard to put across what we're like as a couple because I don't think anybody can truly understand the dynamics of a relationship other than the two people in it. We have all the same likes and interests, we do everything together whether it be us all as a family or just the two of us. we have the same sense of humor, we genuinely enjoy eachother and enjoy being in eachothers company. He's my best friend. My soul mate. Of course I'm terrified of losing him, not because I'm emotionally unstable, and a victim because I can't be without someone because I've never been that way, but because I truly love him with all my heart and soul, and he does feel exactly the same way. This is why it's so hard on me and him when he has one of his 'episodes'.
He clearly has absolute control over the drinking, going by the fact that he doesnt drink when the child is with you. So why does he do it if he KNOWS that this will happen time and time again? Where does he drink? Can he make sure he avoids those places?

I have 3 people in my family who suffered sexual abuse as children, but they dont drink or act that way. In the end its a choice.

Separating isnt saying you dont love him, in fact sometimes tough love is needed. Sometimes its only when a person thinks they may loose their marriage will they stop their destructive behaviour.

Going to church will help you both I am sure, but I would recommend finding a friendly informal welcoming church rather than a R Catholic one which can be very 'religious' and is all about rules.

Hey just had a thought come to my mind. Another alternative is that whenever this happens again, you leave. So if the anger begins, or if he has drunk too much, walk out, stay with someone for a day or maybe two, and only return when he is sober and calm. Calmly tell him that this is what you will do if it happens again because you cant cope with the emotional abuse and the violence. This will protect you and this will make him see that his behaviour has consequences.

Last edited by chosen; 11th November 2014 at 05:56 PM.
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Old 11th November 2014, 06:01 PM   #12
StarryD
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Re: Marriage Advice Needed

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He clearly has absolute control over the drinking, going by the fact that he doesnt drink when the child is with you. So why does he do it if he KNOWS that this will happen time and time again? Where does he drink? Can he make sure he avoids those places?
I previously answered a similar question to this so I'm just going to copy and paste my reply to give you a little more info:

The length of time between when he drinks can be several months or it can be several weeks. This is a rapid reduction from the amount he drank when we first met before we lived together, he would drink every other night or for several days in a row (he didn't always turn nasty when drinking, just periodically). I didn't even know he was a drinker for the first few months, he broke down and told me one night. I have actually asked him myself why he bothers if he has gone several months and he said that when he starts to enter a period where he feels down and depressed and is dwelling on the past a lot that it's a comfort to him, to anesthetize if you will. He can have an outburst involving no alcohol at all but I can always stop him before it spirals out of control, I tell him to stop, breathe and think, that he is feeling upset about something and we can sit and talk through it together.. He listens to me immediately.. where as when there's alcohol in the equasion I cannot stop it. He has some pretty terrible memories that haunt him, I have heard a lot from him and other things from his sister which he never told me himself. I know there's a lot more that I don't know simply because it's so difficult for him to say the words.
So the depressive hurtful thoughts and memories are what triggers the drinking, they can go on for a few days or a few weeks before he picks up a drink,so he tries.. He just always gives in eventually... I know if the alcohol could be eliminated we could work through his anger issues and depression together, that's where I'm stuck.

He avoids bars completely and when we go out for dinner etc he will always drink soda, we really don't have a social circle other than eachother and the kids as he moved from Ireland to live with me and I've never really been the social type, so I don't have the worry that he will go out with friends and come home tanked. The times he does drink it's always him going to the store for anything we may need and coming home with a bottle of something (always hard liquor like whisky or vodka) and once he's had one he drink he will go through the entire bottle. I sometimes have to work long hours so when he's home at night alone that's when he'll do it and I'll come home to it. There have been times that I've been home and he's come home with something and he's either showed me and admitted he was about to drink it and we've tipped it away or I will find it before he drinks it and I get rid of it and we talk through those times and he's fine after. It's very complexed. I know it all stems from his childhood and he's repeatedly told me he just wanted to feel numb, again there are times he drinks and doesn't get nasty, but it doesn't make him feel any better the next day either.
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Old 11th November 2014, 06:36 PM   #13
StarryD
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Re: Marriage Advice Needed

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He clearly has absolute control over the drinking, going by the fact that he doesnt drink when the child is with you. So why does he do it if he KNOWS that this will happen time and time again? Where does he drink? Can he make sure he avoids those places?

I have 3 people in my family who suffered sexual abuse as children, but they dont drink or act that way. In the end its a choice.

Separating isnt saying you dont love him, in fact sometimes tough love is needed. Sometimes its only when a person thinks they may loose their marriage will they stop their destructive behaviour.

Going to church will help you both I am sure, but I would recommend finding a friendly informal welcoming church rather than a R Catholic one which can be very 'religious' and is all about rules.

Hey just had a thought come to my mind. Another alternative is that whenever this happens again, you leave. So if the anger begins, or if he has drunk too much, walk out, stay with someone for a day or maybe two, and only return when he is sober and calm. Calmly tell him that this is what you will do if it happens again because you cant cope with the emotional abuse and the violence. This will protect you and this will make him see that his behaviour has consequences.
That's great advice and I've actually considered doing that myself, there is someone I know who is a work colleague and friend who wouldn't judge and let me stay there but she has a lot of issues of her own so I'd feel like I was dumping on her, and I suppose because I don't want people to think badly of him, which is partly why I posted rather than speaking to people I know personally. But I think as time has gone by that is one option I may have to actually take and explain to her the way things are.
I don't think he was sexually abused but I know that the violent abuse he witnessed as well as suffered himself was pretty brutal. You are absolutely correct in that it is his personal choice which I suppose is why he 'chooses' to do it when he is alone and dwelling.
As for the church, I was raised with no religious element whatsoever my parents or family never went to church so I was unaware of the different aspects of the different denominations but the times i've researched Catholicism I agree it does seem to be pretty strict and stern regarding set rules. I think I'll do a little more research on churches and groups close to us and maybe see if there's a comfortable one we can go to that will help us and him gather some strength together.
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Old 11th November 2014, 08:55 PM   #14
chosen
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Re: Marriage Advice Needed

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That's great advice and I've actually considered doing that myself, there is someone I know who is a work colleague and friend who wouldn't judge and let me stay there but she has a lot of issues of her own so I'd feel like I was dumping on her, and I suppose because I don't want people to think badly of him, which is partly why I posted rather than speaking to people I know personally. But I think as time has gone by that is one option I may have to actually take and explain to her the way things are.
I don't think he was sexually abused but I know that the violent abuse he witnessed as well as suffered himself was pretty brutal. You are absolutely correct in that it is his personal choice which I suppose is why he 'chooses' to do it when he is alone and dwelling.
As for the church, I was raised with no religious element whatsoever my parents or family never went to church so I was unaware of the different aspects of the different denominations but the times i've researched Catholicism I agree it does seem to be pretty strict and stern regarding set rules. I think I'll do a little more research on churches and groups close to us and maybe see if there's a comfortable one we can go to that will help us and him gather some strength together.
I like the vineyard churches. They are very informal, friendly and usually have a good mix of ages in my experience. My older daughter has just started going to a Vineyard church and she really likes it. There are some good informal C of E churches as well but some are much more 'religious' so you would need to read their website to see what they are like. Baptist also can be lovely.

I dont think I would have got through things in my life without my heavenly Dad being there for me, and its a good way of making friends and being part of a spiritual family. I am sure that it would help him with his anger issues as well, and with the healing he needs. Prayer is very effective:-)

I am sure that your friend wont mind if you stay there for a while. She may even appreciate the occasional company. I honestly think that may work in time.
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Old 11th November 2014, 11:00 PM   #15
ronnoco
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 391
Re: Marriage Advice Needed

It's difficult because I see how much you love him but unfortunately love can make you live life through rose tinted glasses - I know, i've been there myself. I think that's why me and Chosen are both on the same page here. We see things differently to you because we are outsiders.

Let's just say in a few years time your eldest was married with a family to a man who had the fits of rage your husband had. Going crazing, smashing things up, being nasty and horrible to her....you'd be deeply worried about her safety and the knock effect to her and the children, I know you would. The same applies to you.

I think Chosens advise of next time it happen, just get out of there is really good. Even if you have to stay in a Premier Inn for a couple of days. Providing you don't have the kids of course just grab your purse, take your keys and go. Perhaps you could keep a bag packed somewhere else in preparation.

I think church could really help you too as well as looking into therapy to help heal these wounds the correct way.

I know he's had a bad past but many people have. Events of life shape you but it's your choices and actions that define you. Whether you see it or not, him continuing to drink when he doesn't need to is him making the wrong choice.
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