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Old 5th June 2015, 09:49 AM   #76
chosen
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Re: In the fog zone

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pimouse View Post
I keep going on and on about it but the pain is still there and I believe people will get fed up with it and tell me to move on. I do express my feelings a lot and this is how I am. If I REALLY was that unhappy in my marriage, I'd have gone but we had done good days and those days made me think that it was worthwhile to stick around. Betrayal in my eyes is the worst thing that a human being can do to another one. My take is that if you are unhappy and not in love, then you say so and move on with your life. So why didn't he do that? He should have said 2 years ago it's over and I don't love you.
This is VERY recent for you, and I cant see anyone telling you to move on.
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Old 5th June 2015, 10:20 AM   #77
ralfgarnett
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Re: In the fog zone

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Originally Posted by Pimouse View Post
I keep going on and on about it but the pain is still there and I believe people will get fed up with it and tell me to move on. I do express my feelings a lot and this is how I am. If I REALLY was that unhappy in my marriage, I'd have gone but we had done good days and those days made me think that it was worthwhile to stick around. Betrayal in my eyes is the worst thing that a human being can do to another one. My take is that if you are unhappy and not in love, then you say so and move on with your life. So why didn't he do that? He should have said 2 years ago it's over and I don't love you.
Listen Pim I have been going on about it since August, this is what this forum is for this is why we are all here for each other, keep posting what you want for as long as you want, we will always try our best to help each other and to listen to each other, we even have the occasional laugh on here, it has been known.
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Old 5th June 2015, 01:36 PM   #78
Pimouse
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Re: In the fog zone

I know the why and where/when. She was a distraction, I'm cold, I'm too negative (on this one he is right and I have diagnose with depression), that I put my family first (ie when I was going abroad for 3/4 weeks in summer). I haven't played my role as a wife for the last 5 years (since his mum passed away) and that our sex life was crap (his words). What he seems to have forgotten is that he'll leave home early, so I had to deal with the girls, will pick them up from school, take them to their clubs, would cook dinner, put them to bed, take the dog for a walk, tidy the kitchen and start usually my work (I work in education) around 8.30:9pm. What was he doing? Checking his phone! I would also have the kids with me at the weekend while he was working on our house, or on someone else or away to play his sports! Looking back what I have written now wonder why I was cold as I was alreday leaving as a single mother! He would meet her at her place and he would parade around town with her, so that's why do many people knew about her but not me as he was coming back home at the same time as usual after he wasn't to town while I stupidly was providing free childcare!
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Old 8th June 2015, 08:35 AM   #79
Raymond
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Re: In the fog zone

You don't sound cold and negative to me Pimhouse. You are saying that he used to say that? Looks to me that you did all you could in every way while he just had an affair with someone else. It must have affected how he saw his relationship with you during those two years. There is an excitement in having an affair which will make one's wife look cold and negative. However this is the deception of it. The excitement will eventually pale when it is too late and the damage is done.

Maybe you sensed something was wrong in his attention to you which made you cool towards him and no wonder if he was having an affair. In a sense it was good that you were cold to him while he was having an affair. To have continued to give your heart whilst he was with this other woman would have been even more devastating to you.

The thing is that when there are marriage problems they need to be sorted out. Having an affair is not the answer and shows a real lack of commitment to the marriage. He has done a terrible thing. Any faults you had, and we all have them, pale into insignificance compared to his betrayal of you. Don't reproach yourself. There is always a place for apologising for any known behaviour you know is wrong but condemnation of yourself is not good. We all have worth in spite of our faults. It's what you do about them which counts. I know I am not the best I can be with my wife but sometimes we are not aware of our faults. It takes time and even years to be aware of our failings. It's a continuing revelation I would say. None of us are perfect. You are normal. Don't receive the condemnation he throws at you. His is the far bigger sin for not working on his marriage or himself.
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Old 8th June 2015, 08:36 PM   #80
Pimouse
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Re: In the fog zone

Thank you very much Raymond for these very kind words, I was in need of a peep talk and you did it:-). I feel foolish as I never suspected that he was having an affair and to be honest it had never crossed my mind that he'd do such a thing! He is the kind of person who doesn't talk a lot and when you speak with him he doesn't look at you! I have seen him deal with his ex-partner when they had arguments and he would close himself to me and would deal with it on his own without even sharing his feelings.
So I guessed that when his mum died, he tried to deal with it on his own and completely shut me out. The house was/ is still a burden financially and we used to say that when the work would be done we could finally go on holidays and start to enjoy life. So I guess in a way I was waiting patiently ( we finished it this May), as I thought that it was a sacrifice of a couple of years and I thought to myself what is a couple of years in your life, when you have the family home how you wanted it and will be spending the rest of your life in it. I can see it wasn't like that for him , he wanted still his life ( he was going out 3 times a week+ One weekend away each month) while I was the one staying at home as I couldn't afford to go out or but new clothes. Strange that now looking back few signs where there but ignored them thinking they would resolve by themselves! I'm learning the hard way what life is about! Better later than never though :-)
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Old 9th June 2015, 11:39 AM   #81
Raymond
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Re: In the fog zone

It sounds like you saw the signs and chose to disbelieve them or ignore them. Openness is very important in a marriage. I haven't completely got there yet but it is happening slowly. Men can be like that but I know it is wrong as my wife is the woman that God has given me and I should love her as much as I can and be as open as I can. It is a process.

You have been disappointed and betrayed but you will need to gradually move on or at least make the decision that you will. You will need all the resources that you have to do that. At a later date you may need some counselling for healing. I am not saying in a callous way get over it. I just don't want you to let what happened define your life and future forever.
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Old 27th June 2015, 02:17 AM   #82
Lindentree1
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Re: In the fog zone

Wonder if you're still around, Pimouse. How are you?
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Old 27th June 2015, 10:47 AM   #83
notDoneYet
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Re: In the fog zone

Pim is over at the DB forum.
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Old 27th June 2015, 04:10 PM   #84
Lindentree1
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Re: In the fog zone

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Pim is over at the DB forum.
Glad she's getting support somewhere.
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