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Old 26th August 2005, 02:09 PM   #1
KelI
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 2
Unhappy Dead Marriage

I am so miserable and I am not sure what to do. I've been married 20 years to a man that I've never really loved or been physically attracted to. I knew I didn't love him and tried to break up with him when we were just bf/gf, but he begged me not to, and I let him talk me into staying with him. Then months later, he asked me to marry him, I said yes thinking that I'd get out of it sometime... I just am one of those people who have a hard time hurting someone's feelings, and didn't want to do that. We set our wedding date, and the night before my wedding I remember sitting there thinking, "WHAT am I doing? I don't love him, I don't even like being with him all that much." But, I had just found out I was pregnant, plus my parents had spent all that $$ on the wedding. So, I went through w/ it.

A few years into our marriage I became a Christian and my husband soon followed. Things were better. Although I still wasn't physically attracted to him, he was becoming a good Christian man which was emotionally attractive. I came to respect him and thanked God for him, and yes, I think I even started to love him.

However, the last several years, my husband has been drifting away from God. He has started cussing, he has started watching TV shows that aren't appropriate, he doesn't even try to control his tongue and embarrasses me around Christian friends w/ things that he says. He has a terrible temper and yells at me at the drop of a hat. He doesn't say he is sorry when he hurts my feelings and is nasty to me. He says he has had a "mid-life crisis" which has caused him to become a grumpy old fart, to put it bluntly. He went on a business trip and came home w/ a tattoo... without even asking how I felt about it beforehand. And, to top it all off, he has gained a lot of weight and doesn't even try to keep from gaining more. This is tough, when I wasn't even physically attracted to him to begin with.... I try to keep myself in shape and am at the ideal weight for my height... but not w/out working at it. Why doesn't he do the same? My husband travels a lot, and I really enjoy it when he is gone. It is so nice to be at home, relaxing, not getting yelled at, having a content atmosphere in my home. One of my kids even mentioned that they missed dad, but admitted that it felt like the pressure was off when he is gone.

To give you an example of what kind of things he does to me... one day he was taking the whole family out to dinner and movie. I was wearing some new fingernail polish that he didn't like. My dd also had put it on. He started yelling at me and told me that he wasn't taking me anywhere as long as I had that finger nail polish on. And for that matter, as long as my daughter was wearing it, too. I was angry, but did remove it from my nails and then asked my daughter to, because I didn't want the kids to have the fun evening taken away from them because of my nail polish. Another example... we are at the end of a pay period now (we typically live paycheck to paycheck) and so the pantry was nearly bare. I had enough $$ to get a couple of chickens and made those for dinner... then looked in the freezer for side dishes and found frozen blueberries, so I made homemade blueberry muffins, sliced up some home grown tomatoes and fried some okra. He starts asking me if I have any potatoes when I start putting the meal on the table. He knew there were no potatoes, the food was right in front of him, he was just being a jerk. I said, "no, but there are two chickens, homemade muffins, homegrown tomatoes and fried okra." He said, "what about a vegetable?" (as if there were none?) So, I went to the pantry, pulled out a can of peas and said, "If you want another vegetable, you can heat these up." He did, then started yelling at me about coming home from working all day and then having to make his own vegetable. I thought that I was doing wonderfully by basically making a nice dinner in spite of having a bare pantry... instead of appreciation, I get condemnation.

My friends will say things like, "Kelli I cannot figure out why you and Doug got married, you are so different." When talking to one friend about some health problems I've been having I said that I had a high tolerance for pain and my friend said, "Yes, you are very strong. After all, you are married to Doug." I defend him when people say these things, because it seems the right thing to do.... I tell them about his good qualities. But, it just shows you that it isn't just my perception.

I'm so sick of this. I really, really hate being in this marriage. I really, really want out. But, I am a Christian and know God hates divorce. But, does he really want me to live in this way? I LIVE for his business trips. I love it when he is gone. I dread it when he comes back, because normally he begins yelling at someone the first few hours that he is home. When he is gone, my home is peaceful and happy. When he returns we are all walking on egg shells.

Am I terrible to feel this way? What can I do? Any advice?
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Old 26th August 2005, 03:41 PM   #2
ITry
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Re: Dead Marriage

Hi, I am sorry to hear that you are suffering such an ordeal, I understand that you are christian and what the Bible says about Divorce-you became fond of him once why not again, maybe if you was to speak to a counsellor about your relationship (relate counsellor) just maybe they can help you find that spark and use it to build the relationship God intended.

All the best
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Old 28th August 2005, 01:56 AM   #3
kristi
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Re: Dead Marriage

It must be so difficult going through what your dealing with. I'm struggling with my own problems right now, but the're not to the extreme that yours are. Sweetie, do you cower before your husband and give him whatever he asks out of fear or a feeling that it is your duty? Do you allow him to treat you bad and yell at you and your kids, but don't stand up for yourself? Do you allow your life to be centered around him and his selfish needs? If yes to any of my questions, then you must STOP NOW! I grew up with a father who was the same way. No matter what we did, he'd find something to yell and throw fits about. We'd walk on egg shells around him in fear that he was going to go off on us, again. But no matter what, he still wasn't happy and nothing we would do could make him stop acting this way. Until........yes, there's a good ending to this story! This is what we had to do to change his behavior and it may work for your husband. So far, this has had a major impact on your marriage and is now affecting your children, too. As one with experience growing up having to deal with these kinds of problems, the most important thing I can say is YOU NEED TO STOP THE CYCLE RIGHT NOW! If not, then your children will carry on these behaviors. Even if they hate what he does, they will unknowingly pick these behaviors up and act the same way later in life. And I know you don't want your children being the same way! It will, also, make the rest of your life miserable! So here goes......1) Get your pastor involved. Make him aware of what's going on and don't hold back. Your pastor ( If he's a good pastor ) will talk to your husband or attempt to do so. He'll probably ask him to join you in marriage/family counseling. Your husband may refuse to listen or take responsibility for his actions and behaviors. Don't be surprised if this is his response. Don't let this discourage you-my father was the same way. Also, try to get to the root of the problem. Did his father or mother act like this, too? If so, it is probably learned behavior. He's just continuing the cycle of emotional abuse. And that is exactly what it is. If his behavior is affecting you emotionally in a negative way, it is emotional abuse and it needs to stop. Is it in response to changes in his life? Is it just a development of selfish, self centered bahavior? 2) Don't cover for him anymore. If people ask, you don't have to divulge everything, but tell them the truth. Stop trying to put him in this great wonderful light if he acts so terrible. It's not wrong to tell people how he acts. It actually helps. It allows you to get things off your chest and begin a circle of supportive friends. It's very important to surround yourself with people who will support you and be there to comfort you or offer good sound Biblical advice in a situation. 3) People like this feed off of the response they get when they are treating someone bad. Typically, the other person gets upset and a fight is started. You NEED to separate yourself and your kids from any and all negative behavior from him. If not, then he'll feed off of your response to his yelling and the cycle will play itself over and over and over again with no end to the problems. For example.....if my father started yelling at us, we would tell him ( calmly ) that there was no reason for the way he was treating and we'd like him to stop yelling and start treating us like human beings. If this didn't work, we'd TOTALLY IGNORE him and his behavior and/or we'd leave the room. Sometimes we'd leave the house. If we were going on a family outing and he started acting up and going off on us, we'd leave him at home and have a fun time without him. It was very important in the process for him to know that we were not dependent on him for happiness. We could have fun without him and not miss him and his yelling/bad behavior. If he asked about him not going, we would tell him why we didn't want him to come. Eventually, he got lonely and realized that if he wanted to have a family and be a part of that family, he would have to stop acting the way. It worked too! He realized that his family and children were important to him and he would have to chose between us and his selfish behavior. Now our relationships with my father are great and even better than before. But it took all of us standing up to him and making it clear to him that we refuse to allow him to treat us this way. And if he continued, then we could carry on our lives without him. ....Don't center your lives around him until he stops acting the way he's acting. If he gets upset over having to make his own peas, who cares! If he's going to treat you the way he does, then why should you care about him having to cook peas. If he doesn't like your nail polish, who cares! He can stay home while you and the kids have a great evening. You cannot center your lives around his every whim and desire! This is your life, too! YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO BE HAPPY! If worse comes to worse, you and your kids may need to leave him until he learns to treat you right. Remember, this is yours and your kids lives, and you need to think about what's best for all of you. Especially your kids. If and when he starts changing, I'm sure that your feelings and attractions to him will start to grow, again. He'll start becoming that sweet guy you were falling in love with years ago. Just give it time. Wish I could fit more in, but this is long enough as it is. If you need to talk, I'm here for you. Your in my thoughts and prayers! Let me know how things are going.
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Old 28th August 2005, 04:21 AM   #4
KelI
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 2
Re: Dead Marriage

I don't have time to write much, but just wanted to say thank you for your wise words. It does help to feel a little validated in my feelings... I felt that I was being verbally abused, but then would tell myself that I was being overly sensitive. It does help to know that others agree... I need to begin standing up for myself. Thanks again.
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Old 3rd September 2005, 05:32 PM   #5
kristi
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Re: Dead Marriage

KelI, just thought I'd drop you a post to see how you are. How are things going with your husband? Any changes yet? I hope you and your marriage are doing better and post back if you have a chance.
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Old 8th November 2005, 09:31 PM   #6
ChristianWife
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Re: Dead Marriage

Kel1,

I feel for you and understand that you are very unhappy in your marriage. Your husband sounds completely irrational and insensitive. I know where you are coming from, for at one time I was unhappy too. I cried out to God and He brought a wonderful book before me, which has transformed my life. Please read Debi Pearl's "Created to be His Helpmeet." It will transform your life too, no matter what the situation is that you are in. You will find that you have been given purpose and joy each day, as you begin to put into practice the advice presented. I sure did! The book can be found only on the Pearls' website at nogreaterjoy.org
Like I said, if you are at the end of yourself, you need to read this book! God has a plan to restore your marriage! God has a plan to use you for His glory! Your marriage could become more glorious than you have ever thought possible!!!
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