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Old 27th August 2009, 05:41 PM   #1
coolircrumble
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just found out husband is having an affair need help

Where do I start. I found out yesterday that my husband of 25years has been seeing another woman for 8weeks. I am total and utterly devastated as I had no idea there was any thing wrong with the marraige.
We ahve 2 girls who will be heart broken if I chuck him ou.
Today I went to the other womens work and confronted her and she knew he was married but he spun her a line. I have asked her to back of to give us a chance to talk but she say she loves him and he loves her.
Where do I go from here.HELP
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Old 27th August 2009, 05:59 PM   #2
crush
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

Sorry you find yourself here but we are all here to help and support where we can. My thread is very similiar, have a read if you get the chance. My h left me, we had been together nearly 20 years for a woman he had been seeing for about 6 weeks, she knew he was married also. He moved into her home straight away. We also have children who were completey devastated.

Whatever you try to say to him will make no difference at this stage as he will not be listening to you. Be careful of him blaming you for it all because they do have a tendency to do this to cover up their own guilt.

Only time will tell unfortunately, and you just have to get through each day the best you can. Surround yourself with friends, mine have been a godsend to me. I have now been on my own 5 months and it does get easier I promise you.

It is the disbelief in their actions that hurts like mad especially if you did not see it coming, I know I didn't. I thought we were happy but how wrong I was. He has left her several times but I will not listen to him anymore and want him out of my life as far as I can of course. I want him to suffer the way in which we have and maybe one day that will happen and by which time I hope I will have moved onto better things.

Keep posting it really does help.
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Old 27th August 2009, 06:24 PM   #3
coolircrumble
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

Thanks for your reply.
I have just had a phone call from the other womens husband who keeps saying he is sorry for his wife and that he only found out two hours ago.
I have not slept or eaten since yesterday and I have told no-one about this and feel I am beginning to lose control. My husband has told me that he will break all contact with her if I let him stay but she has told me he said he wants to be with her. I don't know who to believe.
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Old 28th August 2009, 06:31 AM   #4
Johnee S
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

Sorry to say kick him to the curb, don't go for this guy he will only bring you more hurt and pain in the liong run... However the other woman maybe lying to you as she may want him; only course of action is to confront him on what she said to you. You will know he is llying or telling you the truth. Do not allow him power over you, seize your power and hold to your own, don't bend to him, be true to yourself at all times going forward.
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Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that the other feels the same.
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Old 28th August 2009, 09:59 AM   #5
crush
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

I agree with Johnee S I'm afraid, don't believe anything he tells you, not at this stage anyway. He could promise you to keep away but if the feeling are there, which they obviously are he will find a way to see her and you will get hurt all over again. You need to be away from him for the time being, if it is you he really wants then he will come to you as he will realise what he has potentially lost. If not then at least you have prepared yourself for the worst, you do need to stay in control but in situations such as this it is hard as he holds all the cards. If you can be strong enough to let go you will feel so much better.

As for ow she obviously wants him and she has things to deal with within her own marriage. Maybe she will think it is to much of a risk to take also. I do know exactly how you feel but you must talk to family and friends because they will support you through this.
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Old 28th August 2009, 01:05 PM   #6
Raymond
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

Coolericrumble well done for confronting the other woman. Now that her husband knows as well there is no chance for a hidden affair. This can have an effect of opening the eyes of the parties involved unless they are being completely brazen.

I am hopeful that this can be sorted as the fantasy element has been exposed. You will have to wait and see whether he comes to repentance or carries it on. If he carries it on regardless of you and the other husband knowing then it doesn't look good and looks like he doesn't give a damn. Hopefully not.

Raymond
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Old 28th August 2009, 01:12 PM   #7
coolircrumble
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

Thanks for all you responses.
We were up all night again and he tells me it was just the thrill and she means nothing but I honestly do not know what to believe any more.
I have not chucked him out yet for the sake of my two teenage girls who do not deserve this. The other woman has phoned again today to say her husband is going to try and get my husband sack from his job as he was ment to be working when the affair was going on. If this does happen me and my girls are going to lose every thing that was good in our lives. I am soooo confused and devastated that I can't think straight and I don't no if I am being stupid in wanting my normal life back!!!
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Old 28th August 2009, 03:25 PM   #8
Rabbit In Headlights
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

I know its gonna to hurt to hear this but you wont/cant have your old life back, its changed if you managed to sort it out its got to be a new life. Other husband is just in denial at the moment because if he blames your husband its seems as if his wife didnt really want to have an affair she was coerced which you know isnt true! Also you only have other womans word for it and as she still wants to continue the affair I would take it with a pinch of salt!
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Old 28th August 2009, 04:18 PM   #9
huting
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

I am in the same situation at the moment, however apparantly all that's benn going on is flirting, nothing physical and apparantly there's no attraction. I 2 confrtonted the ow and she confirms that nothing is happening. I have now trust issues, can't sleep or eat, feel angry about tham and the whole situation.. he overstepped the mark from just being friends to saying inappropriate stuff. I also found out they spent loads of time 2getha alone just drinking coffee and talking so he says. I dunno what to do either. He says hell break contact but everytime he's late or he has a txt ill be thinking is it her. Dunno if I can live like that. I guess what I'm saying is ur noot alone although it feels like it and no1 but u knows what u can or should do in this situation. I'm choosing to believe him when he says its nothing and I'm gonna give it a try. But the trust is broken and its gonna be a struggle. Good luck. I'm thinking of u

1 thing I've been thinking about a lot is u can't change the past but u have a say in ur future
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Old 29th August 2009, 09:20 AM   #10
Raymond
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

Yes the trust has been broken. All for what? A cheap thrill?

The name of the game is faithfulness, faithfulness, faithfulness. If you haven't got that the marriage will suffer and even break. With full repentance things can be restored. That means seeing that you are wrong and that you have hurt your wife or husband. Remorse isn't any good. It just means you are sorry you got caught although it could lead to repentance if you are brought low enough.

Hopefully you husband will be suffering some reprisals by the wounded husband Coolercrumble. This may actually do some good so don't try and protect him. Let him suffer the consequences. After all this works through you will see what attitude he is left with. Hopefully he will be repentant and want to make everything up to you. I would let him suffer for a while and see if repentance comes forth.

Raymond
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Old 29th August 2009, 09:42 AM   #11
crush
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

I agree that you life will never be the same again, it can't because of his behaviour. The trust has now gone and no matter how hard you try it will always become an obstacle, this is human nature. If h is really adamant that it was nothing serious and want to work at your marriage then only you can deside which path to take. Either way it will be a hard struggle for you and your children.

Let him suffer for what he has done but do not take everything on face value, there was a reason he did it and if you are able to sit down and talk things through you might get a better understanding of the whole situation. If this affair has not taken off yet and the ow leaves him alone you may be able to salvage things but you have to realise that he could do this again with someone else. Hard I know but it is a fact.
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Old 1st September 2009, 01:11 PM   #12
shaun
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

Unfortunatly, I'm in this exact same situation, my wife had an affair with someone who I took to be a very close friend. I also am wanting to believe everything my wife tells me, to trust her totally. I am finding it really hard and cant stop thinking of all the lies and deceit that went on as its that alone that shocks me the most. I really hope in time I become less of a paranoid wreck, and regain some trust (as all trust is gone). I'm personally wanting to continue my life with my wife, as thats all I've ever wanted anyway. I do know this would never happen again but did think it wouldn't happen in the first place. I think its all about learning to trust again, which hopefully will come with time. Best of luck anyhow.
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Old 1st September 2009, 01:42 PM   #13
coolircrumble
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

Hi All, I have had a very emotional week-end. I eventually told my closes friend and she has been great. It was worthing telling her. No one else knows at the moment how I keep it to gether I do not know. We have yelled, shouted, been civil and then yelled again all week-end and I seem to be asking the same questions over and over. What I still cannot get is that he would come home to my and our kids and act as if nothing was wrong. We even had a party with friends and he had seen the other womed earlier that day and came home and lied!! I think that is my biggest issue is that he lied for 8 weeks and I wonder if I did not confront him and the other woman it would still be going on. He says he wants to be with me but I really don't know yet where our future lies. I hate lieing to mine and his family every single day and how could of done that every day I cannot imagine. Sorry for all the garbage I have justs wrote but I am typing as it pops in to my head.

thanks to everyone
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Old 1st September 2009, 06:43 PM   #14
Raymond
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

You did well to confront Coolicrumble. Who knows how long it would have gone on if you hadn't done that.

Your trust has been severely damaged and that will take a long time to mend. No quick fix there I am afraid. A lot will depend on his repentance not remorse that he got caught. Only you can guage his true attitude now. He has a lot to be ashamed of. I still feel you ought to let him suffer. Not to be vindictive but to bring out the repentance hopefully. That will also help you to take stock. I don't think you are one to now carry on as if nothing had happened. You will know when you have done enough and when you are able to receive him as a husband again. A lot will depend on him obviously. What makes it difficult is that he didn't confess he only got caught. That must grate.

Raymond
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Old 5th September 2009, 05:54 PM   #15
coolircrumble
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

thanks Raymond, yes it grates and hurts so much that I feel I had to to the dirty work and make him finish with her when all said and done if I hadn't found out and went and confronted her they would still have carried on. H said he was glad I found out and he hated lying to me but could not get out as he felt guilty about ow and what it would do to me.
I honestly think it would still be going on.
We am still screaming at him when there is know one else around but put on an act for work and the kids. I don't know what is the next step. I want to think it will be okay and we might have a life and other times I want him out and wish he was dead (which is not good).
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