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Old 9th September 2009, 11:32 AM   #31
Purple lady
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Re: Please help me sort this

I know all that you say is true Raymond and i am pulling back from the "friendship" i am terrified of when we meet because unfortunately we mix within a large social scene and are bound to see each other again. My husbands swears he hasnt been in touch with her and i believe him, we had a lovely evening togther last night and maybe things could sort out, but how do i trust again, when i get over this fear of losing him is mistrust on my behalf going to pull us apart, i know everyone here has similiar and worse problems and i hope and pray that evryone has the strength to find their path and happiness in life
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Old 9th September 2009, 01:12 PM   #32
Raymond
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Re: Please help me sort this

The trust will take time to regain Purple Lady and a lot depends on him. If you have his repentance you should gradually be able to see the fruit of that. You will come to a stage when your forgiveness is needed if he is being genuine. I'd take it slowly if I was you.

I think your immediate problem is this woman. You are wise to keep that distance from her. If you cannot avoid meeting her then it must be on a different basis. Your marriage is private and your husband belongs to you. Those lines should not be crossed by anyone. As I said before you are not the one who should be counseling her about the affair. Your priority is to build that line of protection that she doesn't cross. If she says her heart is broken it is her own doing for getting involved with someone who is already married. You owe her nothing on that score. She owes you a deep apology for betraying your friendship in a very serious way. She must not be allowed to find a line to him through you. It is pretty plain that he should cut all contact and have zero tolerance about it.

Therefore if you have to speak to her stick to those rules and you should be alright.

Raymond
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Old 14th October 2009, 12:24 PM   #33
Purple lady
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Re: Please help me sort this

Well an update he left me for my best friend last Thursday, my world has fell apart, i cant eat, sleep or even function, we have no kids no there is no reason to pull myself together, i now weigh 6 stone 10 and i know i am not helping myself but i cant seem to, i have been to the doctor and he has given me anti depressants, i just cant understand how you can thrown away 23 years for 8 weeks of texting. The weekend was a nightmare alll i could think about was them together in restaurants and hotels while i cried myself stupid on the sofa. He says that there was already someting missing from our marriage and that is rubbish, this only started when they began texting. I dont know what to do with myself, everything we had planned for our future has now disappeared and i dont even know how to try to move on nor do i want to. My stomach is constantly in knots and i feel sick from morning to night, why would this happen, i love him more than anyone else ever will and why would he throw that away. I feel like i have lost part of me as i have been with him since i was 17 and i am so lonely and scared and he doesnt seem to care. i just dont understand any of it
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Old 15th October 2009, 05:45 AM   #34
jkk
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Re: Please help me sort this

Hi

it takes time for anti-depressants to work, i think you should try some counselling, it does take time to adjust to big changes in your life, there is no easy fix, but life will get easier, there is light at the end of the tunnel - time is a great healer.

In the meanwhile, try to eat, sleep, exercise, and treat yourself kindly, there are lots of survivors on the forum who have been through tough times, and built new (often better) lives.

jkk
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Old 15th October 2009, 11:35 AM   #35
Helen_uk
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Re: Please help me sort this

jkk is right...it takes time, lots of it , and meantime you have to be kind to yourself. It's a grieving process.

Right now you're in shock , and the main thing is to talk to someone , counselling is great but not everyone can open up to a stranger in the early days.... so if you have friends or family who can support you make good use of them, if not then talk on here or look for support groups where you can get your feelings out, even if only on the web.

As to why they do these things.. partly because they can. People who have affairs or leave marriages/long term relationships seem to have an unending ability to justify why and a hundred reasons why they do it. Trying to work out why will just drive you mad.

From my experience one of the most likely reasons is that someone comes along offering something new and exciting and if your partner is caught at a time where they are feeling the LTR / marriage they are in has gotten a little stale, it's easier and far more interesting to go with the " new " option than to work on things in the marriage... MLC is yet another reason why some men ( and women ) suddenly walk away from a marriage or LTR they previously seemed content in. Only your H can know the reasoning behind his actions, and sadly you may never know.... eventually you may not even want to know.

The ability they have to cut you out of their life and show no care or remorse for your feelings is a way of them protecting and justifying things to themselves , it doesn't mean they necessarily DON'T care , they can't deal with the fall out of their actions so choose not to face them.

This is the worst of it , the shock part... so anything and everything you feel at the moment is perfectly normal.. keep telling yourself that . Take the time out you need to deal with it and then slowly at first you will start to cope again. Try to fill time as best you can so you don't have as much time to dwell and one thing I found helpful to hang onto is that what goes around comes around , relationships built with their foundations on dishonesty ( as your h's is with your friend ) rarely work out long term.

Things WILL get better.

Hugs

Helen
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Old 15th October 2009, 01:15 PM   #36
Raymond
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Re: Please help me sort this

He obviously didn't end it after all and she did get through to him and he fell for it. You must have felt like someone punched you in the stomach and tore something away from you Purple Heart. Theres nothing I can say just now. You need to grieve and be as you are, a wounded heap. You won't be there forever though but you probably don't see that just now.

Stick around. It has happened to many on here who will know what you are going through. Be nice to yourself if you can.

Raymond
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Old 16th October 2009, 11:19 AM   #37
Purple lady
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Re: Please help me sort this

Thanks everyone for the words of support, i know there is worse that happens in life but at the minute i feel scared and lonely. I love him so much but i know that I have to try to stop pleading etc for him to come home. Its my 40 next weekend and i am dreading it cos the only person i want to be there is the only person who wont. I feel like how can i start again now at this stage maybe 10 years ago but i dont even know where to begin. I do appreciate the sign ons and i have read others stories on here and they have come thru worse and come out stronger so heres hoping
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Old 16th October 2009, 01:05 PM   #38
Raymond
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Re: Please help me sort this

You will come out of this stronger Purple Lady. (sorry I got your name wrong in my last post). Your husband has been very deceitful to you and is not worthy of you. Part of you was with him and that makes it very painful. There is a tearing inside that was never meant to be but happened because of unfaithfulness and deception. You are still you though and adjustment will happen, though slowly. It's a common occurrance on here so you have lots of emphasisers with you. They will show you how to cope as they have been through it as well.

Raymond
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Old 16th October 2009, 01:25 PM   #39
j92cool
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Re: Please help me sort this

Dear Purple lady I can only repeat what has already been said but please look after yourself. Try to sleep and eat. I could not have gotten throught my traumas with the help of my doctor. You are in shock and you need to allow yourself to greive. Scream, shout, rant and rave whatever you need it is ok.

It will get better I promise but just now it seems impossible. Keep posting here it really does help. Just take it day by day or hour by hour to start.
It is not your fault. You have done nothing wrong. Be kind to yourself. What you are feeling is normal.

I wish I could hug you. ()

Keep your chin up.

J9
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Old 16th October 2009, 01:32 PM   #40
Purple lady
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Re: Please help me sort this

I feel like a failure, should i have done this different, that different, etc but i suppose that must be part of the process, i am moving qucikly with sorting everything and i dont know if i am moving to quickly or what but i feel the quicker we break contact the better cos everytime i see him it kills me that he goes again. Thanks everyone
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Old 19th October 2009, 10:29 AM   #41
Raymond
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Re: Please help me sort this

Yes that is part of the process and I think you are on the right track with cutting contact. Don't reproach yourself about what could have been done differently. He got it wrong not you. He is the one who has been unfaithful. This was cheating not an amicable divorce so don't reproach yourself. They can live with their guilt but you can only go up from here now. It will take time but you can get on the right track quickly.

Raymond
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Old 21st October 2009, 09:55 PM   #42
Purple lady
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Re: Please help me sort this

Just to say that i have already started to feel better, its lonely and i am often sad and miss him but i am not living with the stress that i was, i have friends and family who have been great and whilst i am sure there are many sad days ahead its not all doom and gloom, yes i am on antidepressants but i am eating again and have gone back to work and actually find myself laughing occasionally, dreading this weekend as its my 40th and we had plans and dreading christmas but im sure that like all the stories here we'll get thru
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Old 22nd October 2009, 08:47 AM   #43
Raymond
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Re: Please help me sort this

Thats good news Purplelady compared to how you were before, so healing is starting to happen as it will. You sound like the sort of person who will eventually overcome although it does take time. It's brilliant that you could even laugh a little. That says a lot to me.

Raymond

Last edited by Raymond; 22nd October 2009 at 01:16 PM.
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Old 22nd October 2009, 12:05 PM   #44
Purple lady
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Re: Please help me sort this

I still miss him when i go home and its lonely but i went out at the weekend with friends and i actually had a really good night, altho felt very low on the Sunday then, but so far this week so good, i am not saying i am a barrel of laughs but i feel more like me and i have put back on 8lbs which is good. I have my dogs, my family and my friends and through time i will be me again and who knows whats round the corner. It has been a long 3 months of stress and tears and heartache and i know there are bad days to come but at the minute there are normal days where before they were all bad but at some stage there will be good days again. What doesnt kill us makes us stronger
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Old 22nd October 2009, 01:21 PM   #45
Raymond
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Re: Please help me sort this

I sense you have some faith there. What doesn't kill you can make you stronger. It's what you do with it that counts. Attitude is everything in these cases and I think you have it. It's not easy I know but it is happening. Thats plain to see.

Raymond
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