Next day...this is moving quickly and i know im writing alot but writing in a journal feels too internal and is not working so here i go again. Things with the
green words are his own words the rest my observations.
We went backwards and forwards yesturday and he has admitted some things.
"I want to feel welcomed and confident in myself and for far to long have people looked past me or not taken to me. I see you and other people in my life getting the attention that I want"
I would say that I am a pretty little lady in appearance, which in some part is confirmed by the propositions i turn down regulary but mainly I have an attitude of - people dont mean me no harm and im interested in them. Which has people respond to me well. I have a well rounded family (until recently both parents under one roof) and although I can be a lil naive at times I feel comfortable in life.
He is a very well groomed man but the stigma of his complextion has consumed him over the years and has impacted on his self confidence and therefore attitude. He grew up the step child with two younger siblings and a new dad that he has never been able to get over loosing sole ownership of his mum to, then came the siblings! He often comments about not being apart of things to the point where I had a graduation picture taken with him and my dad and his first comment was
"i look like im not supposed to be there...like if you cropped me out of it the composition would still look balanced". He knows he is funny, lively and speaks very well creating long term friendships and admiration but hates that he is not welcomed on first impression and his views often not respected.
He is comparing himself to me, hence why he drags up my history with males up everytime i tell him "enough with the female friends and such already". If i speack profoundly about anything even to other people he underminds it so I dont feel I have the respect of others in it. Its like he's clinging on to what he got and sabotaging what I got cus he feels he has nothing else to give him the esteem boost he wants.
He feels the men and women friends and aquaintences he has already has have welcomed him, but new people he has to work too hard to be accepted.
He admitted that
he wants what I've got (which over the years I have learnt is shallow)
to make an appealing first impression, for PEOPLE to recieve him whether it comes to being attracted to him, connect with him or feel the need to respect and help him.
I can handle this but the women part is the bit I cant handle...i admitted that this emotional gain he's going to get from the women is to too much for me to stand by and accept. He doesnt even have to cheat. It feels like im watching two people enjoy each other and I want to take it away from them like taking a bond from between two children. I admit...because of my past with another partner and the early stages of the relationship with my husband the thought of even the initial stages of what seems like an affair imobalises my rational thinking.
This is where we have come to...When he said he wants what I have got he said
you wont teach me but you will not let me learn. I said its because when I learnt it I was single no one was to get hurt if I went too far. And the only way I can teach him as a male is to accept advances from males for enough time for me to analse what they do wrong and right and I would have to momentarily enjoy them and thats enough to make me feel like ive crossed the emotional affair line. Is that me being over sensitive????
After realising my previous naivities and the hunt of men for women, I became seemingly blind, deaf or abrupt in my response to mens advances to stop them in their quest for me. Especially because they tend to do it mainly when my husband is there...I refuse to believe this is a conisedence.
I told him accepting advances for the sake of note taking and learning doesnt seem right...he said (and this is where it gets different)...
"you wont do that for me, youve had it already i need to experience this...ive never had it...you can come to all the events and everything with me I dont mind cus i'm not going to hurt you, i dont want anything from them that will step on your toes as my wife. I dont want numbers from women other than the ones that have contacts for this business and hopefully if im recieved well anyway i will get the numbers of men with contacts to. Its not for any contrived reason. I want you and this skill with all people. I just want to be recieved".
Its like he's pining for it. Will even let me out there to come back and teach him it. I know I only have mans way not Gods way from experience, and would have to travel emotionally dangerous roads to study and teach him. He will see that its shallow attention but backed-up with his character he can easily create bonds
. I can see how it can bring us much closer together. There would have to be some EXTREME trust in each other and ourselves but it just seems like dangerous fun to learn. Like its too good to turn out healthy.
He said he would come and get me from my aunties...i said i need time and space to think without feeling like im drowing in this.
(sigh) This is weird...why is God so weird sometimes?
On another note:
I've just read a previous post of yours...about the catholic girls. Do you go around teaching groups about marriage then?