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Old 19th November 2011, 10:18 AM   #1
Hunnymunster
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To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

You have all been good to me in your responses and I have looked deep into what you all have said to sort out my issues. I gelt I owed it to you all to hive you the full picture as I know you will all have different thoughts and opinions on what I am going to say.
18 years ago on 21 Nov my husband didn't come home from a diving trip, he drowned at 40 metres. That day was my last ever normal family day and all changed from then on.
That night the policeman who dealt with the accident contacted me to apologise that the story had leaked out to the press before I was told. I heard this mans voice and concern even though I was surrounded by family and friends his voice at the end if the line grabbed me so strongly, baring in mind i was in shock from the news my H was dead. I turned to my grieving sister in law and said , this may sound weird but this man is going to be important in my life!!
True enough he kept in touch, supported me through the legal process and became friends with each others families and friends alike. He was the mist remarkable human I had ever met.
I met someone and that's where life became complicated, he was going through a divorce and not coping, I thought I could be his rock but I was wrong.
His behaviour was irratic from gentle to scary, he could be a mouse or a lion at the switch if a button. I wouldn't stand fir his behaviour and stood up to him but this gentle man didn't do rows just through things or gave that look that made you back down straight away. Me being me only saw the gentle man and I felt my standing up to him was wrong and I gradually backed down .but that wax wrong, he would change after a drink ,I would annoy him and u didn't know why! He would storm off fir miles, come home covered in scratches self inflicted on his arms, body . I supported him thinking it was the problems with the ex.
We married against my will and instinct but there was another dilemma, i knew I was in love with someone else but it wasn't possible to tell him or do anything, so I guess I punished myself fir loving a married man and thought u could change the damaged one, I was wrong!
Things got worse, not a daily routine but unexpected, . We moved in with his parents in between moving house, the tension there was impossible. His parents treated me as though I had no rights, kept information about our house move till my H came home from work instead of telling me so I could deal with the phone calls. My H got mad if I mentioned anything and rows got worse. One night he attacked me while out with friends, I saw the look and new j had to get away, he guessed and follows me out to the car and wouldn't let ne get in, he was drunk and wanted ti drive. I got in the car and he too, he grabbed my hair and tried to pull it out and tried to snap my arm with pressure, I saw a police car but didn't cry fir help as I didn't want my H to get in bother .
The next day he acted as though nothing happened and he apologised. I think I died of shame that day. There was more rows storming off etc nothing physical just the look.
My friend kept in touch he didn't know any of this but sensed, my H was getting keloid of our friendship and it began to feel wrong. So when I moved I didn't tell him where we had gone, but he found us thinking I had forgot to tell him.
At the new house things were up and down with big gaps, things got smashed in temper, my H was slashing his arms sometimes( to everyone he was this quiet meek man who was kind, and he was 90% of the time)
He was keloid of my kids too and my friends and I slowly went quiet fir the peace and it worked.
We moved to Wales 10 years ago , and after a drink again or even normal ,say the wrong thing my H would storm off drunk in the car, I was scared fir him at times.
The only way to avoid this was never to aggravate him.

My friend and I spent more time together walks, he came to the hospital with me and my son when he was Ill and supported me.
Our friendship was that of totally honest friends but we both knew after years we meant more to each other but we would never cross the barrier. We tried to lose contact on several occasions but we missed the company.
Then 7 years ago I found my H had sent an email to mert for sex, my H said he was drunk and it was nothing
My friend helped me to rent a house and we decided we would make a go of it as a couple when the dust settled and he left his wife and I left my H
Within the day my friend couldn't cope with the guilt of what we had done, though nothing physical had happened it still felt wrong and I went home, feeling rejected to my H
By then I found out my H had been on a dating site and been meeting women and when I confronted him he blamed me leaving him and he wouldn't accept I left due to the sick email I found.
My friend and I never spoke after that, both loved each other but ashamed to be open as our morals were too high!
3 years ago I found my H took someone away and I contacted my friend as I had by then not one single friend left.
He told me to bury my head in the sand and get on with it. Unknown to me he left hus partner in hope I would at last do the right thing, leave my H and after a period he hoped we could be a couple , except he forgot to tell me
From here on it's a bit messed up and he hopped one day I would leave and I didn't except fir brief periods which you know from my other thread.
We lost touch this past few years and I openly regret not having the guts to leave my H for this man. But morals and guilt got in our way.
My punishment for this is I got the confirmation I needed that my H had an affair fir sure and went on match.com all came this year with my health concern

So there you are I feel guilty because I loved someone else and because I am weak and couldn't stand up to my H

I know what you will all think but I felt I owed you all the whole story and now you know why I punish myself and that I am scared to start a new life as fir the past 18 my life has been upside down,
All due to one phonecall that fatefull day
Hunnymunster

Last edited by Hunnymunster; 22nd November 2011 at 10:10 AM. Reason: 
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Old 19th November 2011, 11:29 AM   #2
Helen_uk
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

Ah Hunny. What an awful time you've had....

Thanks for giving us an account of how you got to where you are . From what you've said it sounds as though you've always put your true feelings aside for other people .

I still think that staying in your marriage is something you need to give some deep thought to , your H is a drinker and having brought up by an alcoholic and losing a partner to suicide because of alcohol I know how difficult living with someone who drinks is . He has more than likely cheated on you. Any loyalty you owe him as a wife has been sorely tested.

Perhaps you think deep down that staying with your H will somehow make up for the fact that you love - or loved - somebody else but two wrongs don't make a right and I can't see how you can get past that , keep the marriage together and be happy all at the same time.

I really wish you the best of luck in working through your feelings and finding some happiness . I for one think you deserve that .
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Old 19th November 2011, 07:10 PM   #3
Forever
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

Hunny,

What happened to all your friends? Why did they drop out of your life?
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Old 19th November 2011, 07:28 PM   #4
Chamomile
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

[QUOTE=Hunnymunster;67239]
True enough he kept in touch, supported me through the legal process and became friends with each others families and friends alike. He was the mist remarkable human I had ever met.

We married against my will and instinct but there was another dilemma, i knew I was in love with someone else but it wasn't possible to tell him or do anything, so I guess I punished myself fir loving a married man and thought u could change the damaged one, I was wrong!
Things got worse, not a daily routine but unexpected, . We moved in with his parents in between moving house, the tension there was impossible.


All due to one phonecall that fatefull day
Hunnymunster[/QUOTE]

Hi Hunny

What concerns me is that you never tried to leave him much sooner. Did you have any asset from your previous marriage? Is that something he wanted to put his hands on and he married you?

I cannot honestly believe someone stayed in such a abusive relationship over this LONG.. If the marriage was forced upon by coercion, then it doesn't sound like a real marriage either.. Perhaps, you can access some free help from women's AID or something similar? If you google it, a local branch should come up, Hunny..Ring them up and talk to them. They must give you some legal advice.

Hugs xx
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Old 19th November 2011, 09:14 PM   #5
Forever
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

Hunny,

The marriage you are now in was a result of him throwing you a "life line" and you clinging to it during a shock...not wanting to face grief and being diverted by him instead...trouble is, he is a bit of a terrorist with severe emotional problems to put it mildly. Are you afraid to leave him because of what he might do to himself or to you?

Loving the other married man who was "out of reach" for you due to morality just shows the type of man that you prefer when you are in your more "healthy self" (apart from neediness or trying to avoid grief). Did his marriage eventually break up because of his relationship with you?

Last edited by Forever; 19th November 2011 at 09:25 PM.
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Old 20th November 2011, 01:31 PM   #6
chosen
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

You did the right thing by not getting together with the other man. Being responsible for breaking up anothers marriage isnt nice although it sounds as if that has already happened. I suppose these are the dangers of getting too close to a married man, especially when you are vulnerable..If you had left your husband for this other man and he had left his wife, could you have lived with yourself? Could you have even trusted a man who would leave his wife for you? I couldnt.
As for your marriage, your husband sounds like a deeply damaged and sick man. Has he had medical help? Does he get regular treatment?
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Old 21st November 2011, 10:23 AM   #7
Raymond
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

My you have been through a lot Hunny. You have been through some deep tragedy and maybe this immediate fixation on the policeman was not wise but who can judge you for it at the time of your great loss. You were too needy to make sound judgments. Were you doing horoscopes at the time?

Then you say you fell in love with a married man but married against your will to the policeman who appears to have very deep problems in my book. There is some deep self rejection there in him I would say. Maybe he never had the nurture he needed as a child and felt rejected. You say you married out of guilt because of falling in love with a married man which it seems you would have taken forward if he had not felt so guilty over it. Guilt is a bad motive for getting married but it seems like he had developed some control over you by then. All in all you seem to have been some kind of cork bobbing about in the sea without a rudder or direction pushed about by circumstances.

That remains true today. Personally I think you need the rock of Christ in your life. One can jiggle all the circumstances but this kind of problem remains. What I mean is the lack of direction in your life. He is the one who dealt with our guilt at the cross and it is only Him who can grant us the forgiveness He has already paid for. Not only that but He gives us a new heart and strength to live our lives for Him. No lack of direction there.
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Old 22nd November 2011, 09:01 AM   #8
Hunnymunster
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

Hi
I think I wrote a few things back to front in my post, firstly my husband who died 18yrs ago yesterday drowned in a scuba diving accident, he ran out of air.
The man I married was a member of the same diving club as my first H.
The policeman was a very respectable bloke and neither of us had the wrong intentions and I promise you we lived our friendship honerably as best friends and nothing more. We kept our feelings to our selves until he himself found out his wife had,had an affair and then he told me his true feelings.
It wasn't long after that I found the first email my now H sent to meet a random person for sex!
It was then he offered to find me somewhere to live with my sons somewhere safe , but as you said, as much as we felt fir each other we knew it was wrong and it could never work .
Yes he did leave his wife but he had lots of reasons and we thought our joint situation would one day make us a couple but we never got the chance as we both had too many morals . Due to my situation and trust with men and as much as this man would wait till his death bed for me , it could never be and probably he truly is/ was the one and only person I should have had my life with.
Ni my present H hasn't had treatment, he seemed to have settled down this past few years, I think he has found his outlet for his frustrations in his secret life. My gut feeling is his secret life which seems to now have a pattern I feel is how he diverts his frustration and I never put myself in a position of an argument , the last time was 2 1/2 years ago .
Please don't think his behaviour was daily or monthly, it was always at times of stress, not drink induced , but at times I would tackle him over things and slot was going on.
He was very easily upset but since his first affair 7 years ago he seems more in control and I dont confront him.
I have started to see s counsellor to regain my selfworth and get things into perspective, she was sad at my story but it feels unreal when I tell others in a way I feel as though I am either exaggerating things or telling lies .
I am sorry if any of you think I have misled you, I haven't , but I guess it probably changes your views of my thread Help!! About what I should do about his last affair Snd my revelations , you see I didn't want to be seen as the victim
And if I ever mention to my H about his affair he always brings up my friendship with the policeman, to divert the conversation and as a way to say I have done the same.
I know for certain I haven't had an affair and yet I find myself being branded by my H as though I had, I am guilty of having a life friend who I met before my H but he has told people I have had an affair fir years and because he wanted to protect me from my H when I first left him, as I was scared fir my life, he made people believe we were having an affair !
I guess due to the lies told about me my H wants to hide behind my blame to cover his affairs and it worked. Even though my friend Snd I lost contact 7 years ago apart from bumping into each other at the gym or supermarket , my H brings up the subject as though he was still my friend .
This is why even though I found the posts my H wrote in 2008( I only found them this year). Talking about himself and his girlfriend and he denies it, part of me questions wether he us lying or not, having not been guilty yet been told I am and knowing I am not makes me question everything like a lawyer!
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Old 22nd November 2011, 09:17 AM   #9
Hunnymunster
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

[QUOTE=Forever;67261]Hunny,

The marriage you are now in was a result of him throwing you a "life line" and you clinging to it during a shock...not wanting to face grief and being diverted by him instead...trouble is, he is a bit of a terrorist with severe emotional problems to put it mildly. Are you afraid to leave him because of what he might do to himself or to you?

Loving the other married man who was "out of reach" for you due to morality just shows the type of man that you prefer when you are in your more "healthy self" (apart from neediness or trying to avoid grief). Did his marriage eventually break up because of his relationship with you?[/QUOTE]

Again forever you touched my heart with what you describe as again you know me so well without even knowing me, I guess I am following s pattern of behaviour,
I did take the lifeline against my own will and judgement BECAUSE of many reasons which you highlighted and because I didn't think anyone would ever love me and I didn't want to be alone again ,
I was scared of a future alone but mostly I was secretly so deeply in love with someone else who I never thought I a million years would or could ever feel the same about me and I guessed I punished myself by staying with the man I knew would damage me ,as in those days I was a strong character, I let my living with him break me down into a submissive child,. Now I want to break free as enough is enough, but I have put up with do much that what ever he dose seems like nothing as u have become used to this way of life Snd put up with it fir do long .
Years shi life was worse than this and u stayed and tried to put it right as u thought that's what you do in a marriage and I stuck it out!
In comparison the affairs where minor Snd I struggled to accept the wrong he did as I seem ammuned to what ever he does, but the me hidden inside is struggling to get out and hit him over the head with a frying pan ( metaphoricsly speaking)
So there you have it. Trapped in my own body and conditioned , I am pathetic, think they call it Stockholm syndrome ?
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Old 22nd November 2011, 10:09 AM   #10
Hunnymunster
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

[QUOTE=Forever;67250]Hunny,

What happened to all your friends? Why did they drop out of your life?[/QUOTE]

Initially when I first met my H and for a while after, my H used to go upstairs out if the way when my friends came around he always avoided them.
I thought he was shy nut looking back I think it was a passive control method ad I gelt I didn't want to pit him in that position Snd I avoided all of my friends.
I realise mow he was controlling me by letting me think he was shy.
I realise I thought he was shy and nervous and u guess that's why u pit up with everything Snd u felt any behaviour was a cry fir help or someone who couldn't cope Snd I really tried to help him Snd talk him through situations calmly and tried to understand any outbursts ,
I can see now all that drained me and I disappeared and I became him and he has become me, the outgoing, confident person , a role reversal , except he has no intention of helping me get back to how u was, instead he is enjoying his confidence with the affairs and dating sites and debts and loans, all things that he didn't do before .
Si I guess I became him , no friends , no confidence etc and I guess that's my payment fir not getting out when I should instead of being toooooo soft and caring .
But I shall get out of this one way or the other that is fir certain as my eyes are opening to how I got here Snd why.
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Old 22nd November 2011, 11:28 AM   #11
Helen_uk
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

That was how I understood it first time you explained it Hunny.........
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Old 22nd November 2011, 01:08 PM   #12
Hunnymunster
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

Hi Helen
I misread one post and Raymond thought I had married the policeman, he would be mortified if all thought he was the philandering H that I am married to so had to correct. 
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Old 22nd November 2011, 01:20 PM   #13
Raymond
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

Sorry I lost the track Hunny. The policeman became a good friend to you and your feeling that he would be important in your life proved true. That is a good part of the story and he sounds a very reliable person who you can turn to for advice perhaps. Is he still around to help you now?

Then you got caught up with your husband trying to help him with his divorce and got drawn in and controlled it seems and then got married against your will, maybe because of guilt through going with a married man.

The serious thing is still his propensity to be unfaithful but it rather worries me that he is capable of self harming himself or has he got over that now? Is he capable of violence towards you? You said he got in the car and pulled your hair. Are you still afraid of him?

Maybe the reason why you cannot stand up to his unfaithfulness is because of the guilt you might have when you went with the married man, although he was in the process of seperation it seems. Do you think that that can be a reason or is it only that you are afraid of him?

From your answer to Forever it seems that you were controlled. That is an awful thing to happen. It seems like you are thoroughly dominated. It is very important that you make some friends and break that unhealthy part of it. We are not meant to control our wives. They should have freewill to express who they are. Control is a very ugly thing and it can make you like a passive object. My wife is subject to me but that is her freewill not that I am controlling or dominating her. My job is to love her and be faithful. Control is something else and it is no wonder that your natural willpower has been ground down to practically nothing. Your fear that you will not make it alone is all part of the control. Not that he is designing it that way. It just works that way. The only way to break it is resist it. I would say prayer as well but I don't know where you stand on such matters.
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Old 22nd November 2011, 01:25 PM   #14
Hunnymunster
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

[QUOTE=Raymond;67351]Sorry I lost the track Hunny. The policeman became a good friend to you and your feeling that he would be important in your life proved true. That is a good part of the story and he sounds a very reliable person who you can turn to for advice perhaps. Is he still around to help you now?

Then you got caught up with your husband trying to help him with his divorce and got drawn in and controlled it seems and then got married against your will, maybe because of guilt through going with a married man.

The serious thing is still his propensity to be unfaithful but it rather worries me that he is capable of self harming himself or has he got over that now? Is he capable of violence towards you? You said he got in the car and pulled your hair. Are you still afraid of him?

Maybe the reason why you cannot stand up to his unfaithfulness is because of the guilt you might have when you went with the married man, although he was in the process of seperation it seems. Do you think that that can be a reason or is it only that you are afraid of him?[/QUOTE]

I never had an affair the only part was after I met my now husband I realised I was in love with the policeman , I also new it was against everything I stood for to let anyone know of my feelings and we proceeded to stat good friends. We were very adult about our friendship and true friends in the real sense.
It took 8 years before we mentioned how we felt but that didn't change anything between us as friends just made us more important to each other.
No we are no longer friends we lost touch after my H,s first affair, as he couldn't understand how I could stay with my H . I have contacted him a few times but his heart is in the wrong place and he feels better off without me as a friend now, he hopped after my H last affair I would leave and then maybe we could take it from there but I didn't leave .
So my friend needs me out of his life to make himself a new uncomplicated life with a lady.
My H is much calmer these days I am not sure why but I think his confidence has built up and I guess he is incontrol of his life.
My H seemed to get slot calmer after his first affair 7 years ago, I have only seen horrible outburst avfew times in that time, the last being 2 years ago when I threw his bike helmet off our bed.
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Old 22nd November 2011, 01:56 PM   #15
Helen_uk
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

Hunny,

I don't think you need to explain, I don't think you've done anything wrong . You controlled the feelings you had for your friend because he was a married man and although you left temporarily you have done your utmost to keep the marriage you have together .

I think you're suffering from a mis-placed guilt complex and I don't think you had properly gotten over the death of your first H and are possibly still feeling grief and guilt from way back then.

I'm really glad you've sought counselling because those guilt issues need to be addressed and gotten rid of .

No wonder you feel you don't have the strength to make decisions with all that whirling about inside !
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